dslalonde

Everyone,
Thank you so much for your comforting words. This is my daily post, sanity, let it out, pity party. I went to bed crying, knowing my 19 yr old son is not alive, woke up @ 2:00 even more panicked. Every day we come home and immediately go to his room, hoping to see any indication he has come home. Even for clothes, food, see his dog, which he loves sooooooo much, but NOTHING. Haven't heard from him in over a week. Never has this happened. We are just waiting for the call. I am soon to start checking the morgue, and police station. I want to believe he is strong and ok, but my heart tells me different. I do not feel him at all. NO one has heard from him. This is the most terrifying feeling known to a parent. I keep telling myself that his is almost 20 years old, he can go and do what he wishes, but i know he is so fragile right now. How can his body keep holding up with so much weight loss, and depression. My husband keeps questioning, "was it right of us to ask him to leave"?
I know that we were right, but it still hurts to not have an answer to this, and will i be able to live with this regret if something does happen. I really thought he would be back in a couple of days, and we could begin anew, with him in TX. But that is not the case. In the meantime, we wait, and try to cope. the world has stopped, and I am terrified. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and most of all, thanks for listening

BayAreaPhoenix

(((hugs)))

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. Sending you and your family lots of hugs and prayers!

outtolunch

You gave him the dignity of choice, rehab or the street. He chose drugs and the street.

His choices= his consequences.

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you most certainly cannot cure this.

You stopped enabling him. The rest is up to him, now.

I pray that you find peace with your decision to let go, let God.

cece1960

Susan.
Take a deep breath...you are doing what we call "awfulizing". I know, I used to be a pro at the same.
Chances are, your son is right where he wants to be right now, even if that isn't where you want him to be.
NONE of this is your fault.

Had he sought help, and begun trying, it would not have come to this, correct? He had choices, he chose drugs...a bad choice with bad consequences.

But, had he stayed under your roof, those SAME bad choices would have been made with the SAME bad consequences. The only difference is you would have been forced to watch the train wreck.

When my head goes to those dark places, I shut my eyes real tight and imagine my son's HP guiding him...and I hand the resposibility over. This didn't come easy, but one day I managed to convince myself and now continue to trust his and my HP.

I also tell myself that my mom and dad (dad recently passed) are there as well, giving someone a nudge when needed (you know, like moving son's file to the top of the pile )

I wish you brighter days
(((Hugs)))

DvsAngelNxs

Dislalonde
I feel your pain and hear. I have been threw this many times with my A. Its a horrible place to be. Somehow God brought him threw every time so far.

You are in my prayers.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

winnie12

My Dear, it was just a week or so ago that you posted the same thing - you knew for sure that he was dead - and he wasnt. As i said that time Mom's intuition can be very easily confused with imagination. You do not know that he is dead and searching morgues is just going to make all of this worse. Instead you need to hit some meetings and try to find other positive ways to deal with your anxiety. If something happens to him you will find out - until that time it hasnt happend.

I know the panic and i'm not judging because i would be panicked too but you have to get a grip on yourself or your going to cause serious harm to your health. Go to meetings, go to church, go to a doctor, get help from family/friends, do anything and everything that works for you but dont sit at home and dwell on this by yourself.

PeaceTrain

Dear Susan.
I have been in your shoes as well. I pray for your son's safe return. However, you have no reason to feel guilty about your decisions about your home and how your son lives within your home. those decisions were made out of nothing but love for your son and his well being. No one, not even a loving parent should have endure the havoc that drugs bring into the lives of not only the addict, but everyone connected to them as well. A personal note, my AD was gone for 15 days after I took her key away from my home. She showed up at her uncle's 15 days later, without a peep prior to showing up.
I do think she was trying to punish me - which of course, she did, but whatever the consequences are, just rest assured that your choices did not bring about any negativity. Prayers for you and your son.
Diane

nytepassion

First off I'd like to say I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. As a mother my heart breaks for you.

I would like to take the time to bring some hopeful encouragement to you.

First take a couple deep breaths (inhale, exhale) and then "Just Breath"

I'd bet that you cannot only not feel him, but probably not much of anything other then the sheer pain of uncertainty and fear that is flooding your mind and body causing you to go into panic mode.

Please stop and take a couple more deep breaths (inhale, exhale) and "Just Breath"

Secondly, I would like to gently get you to focus on the fact that there is a first time for everything and that just because he has never done this before isn't a good gage to declare him dead.

Inhale, exhale ... "Just Breath"

Now... I would like to introduce myself

My name is Sher AkA Nyte"Passion"

I am a recovering addict

When I was active in my addiction I did my first disappearing act and terrified my mom out of her mind.

She was paralyzed with fear, she visioned me laying dead somewhere, she awfulized so many different scenarios and circumstances over and over and over in her head, but the fact was .. I was not dead, but the truth was something terrible was happening to me at my own hands ... I was slowly killing myself. I was off getting high.

There is a first time for everything and with us addicts if we like it there will be many more times to follow.

We are punishers, manipulators, liars ... and thieves .. We will steal your sanity and your peace and make you think of nothing else but US ... We are happy being consumed with drugs and content knowing you are sitting at home with your mind consumed on US.

What I mean by saying we are punishers is that (when I was active in my addiction) if someone were to say something that I didn't like. I'd make him/her pay for it. If I were your child and you asked me to leave. I would do so, stay gone, make sure all my friends know to lie to you and say they have not seen me (us addicts stick together) and I would cause you great grief for kicking me out.

You wanted me to go away ... Okay, I will and then lets see how you like that = Manipulation (Make you think twice about ever doing that again)

Inhale, exhale ... "Breath"


It doesn't matter about the child we might abandon, the dog we love so much, the mom that is worrying her head off, the wife that is crying her eyes out ... None of it matters ... All that matters is that WE GET THE DRUGS AND GET HIGH and if we can do that in a comfortable, cozy, warm home with all the benefits of FREE room and board, 3 hot meals, money if we need it, a car to drive, hot showers, and no bills to pay ... We will be happy to plant our butt in your home and could care less if you go absolutely nuts. Addict also = Opportunist

There was a time he didn't use drugs and somewhere along the way HE HAD A first time. Like I said there is a "first time for everything"

Try not to let it consume you and hopefully you are now aware that more than likely he is just trying to make you pay for asking him to leave. Give it some time ... Most of us generally always come back or call eventually... and know just know that though this may be the first time ... it more then likely won't be the last. As our disease progresses so do the ulgly behavior right along with it.

I wish you peace...

and remember

Inhale

Exhale

Just Breath.......

Praying that you hear something to set you heart at ease real soon
Passion

lagrutke

I was in the same position with my 18 yo son. I asked him to leave and he left with no word from him for about 1 week. However, he had no job, no money, and eventually his "friends" got tired of him sleeping on their couch. Since he was only 18, his "friends" didn't have their own places, they were living at their parent's houses. The parents got tired of seeing my son and feeding him. He eventually came home. He is now enlisting in the service and trying to get his life back on track.

Serenity Bound

Susan, When I was feeling like you are now, very close to having a nervous breakdown, that is when I found the rooms of Al-anon/Nar-anon, the program saved MY life. Sweetie you need to take care of you, just as Passion said, stop, inhale/exhale, breath. Again. Post as much as you want, go to a meeting, church, doctor, please take care of yourself.

Sending you hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Chris

finally

As a mom who knows well the 2:00 panic, I would almost guarantee you he's fine. Well, as fine as an addict can be.

The danger is that because of this pain you are going thru, when he does come home you will be unable to do what you know is best for him.

My mother was never able to withstand the pain. She is still taking care of my 57 yr old addict brother.

Find out how to be strong for your son. Every year you wait makes him weaker & unable to overcome problems that only he can solve.

laurie6781

(((((Susan)))))

Ok. Yes you are 'awfulizing'. Now if your son is the typical addict and I suspect he is ......................... in his mind he said F you. May have even left the area. I did when my folks did this to me. Went all the way across the country, got 3000 miles away.

Mom said she did some awfulizing but knew it was the only thing they could do for their own sanity and in the hopes of me finally accepting the CONSEQUENCES of my actions.

I suspect, as said above he is not contacting you INTENTIONALLY. Figures if he waits a while until you are 'crazy' then he can 'manipulate' you again and get his nice cozy nest back and still use.

Prayers going out to you and your family. Please take some deep breaths. Mom later said to me when I had been in recovery quite a while, she finally figured out why she couldn't 'feel' or 'sense' me anymore is because I had moved so far away, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually also.

Take care of you please.

Love and hugs,

HurtingDad

My son disappeared for two months. Somehow he survived, though under conditions I can't (and don't want to) imagine.

It's his choice. But it's not easy on you. Breath in and out and do something for yourself

Jody Hepler

I know how you feel - I've been there - and these folks have given you great experience and hope - and advice.

My son would disappear for months and more at a time - over the last 15 years.

He is now 18 months sober (at age 41) and when we talked about that period of his life he said: Mom, why did you put up with me for so long? I was awful to you! (and he was) Out of the mouth of a recovering drug addict son. Any guilt I was harboring disappeared.

Hang in - go to f2f meetings - look at your feet, that's where your head should be - when in doubt: breathe. Why do we always project negatively?

You will get better - I promise - we've all been there.

Love in recovery,
Dottie Lou

rozied

I know how you feel also. The people here have given you some good advice. I know how scary it can be when we don't hear from them. I will keep your son in my prayers.
Diane

Marlie

I absolutely know how you feel. I also have an addicted 19 year old. She would periodically disappear. The panic, worry, fear is nearly unbearable. I would be unable to sleep and working the next day was nearly impossible. I don't have any additional words of advice that hasn't been presented on this thread. I would, however, during her absences refuse to be what I called "held emotionally hostage". I would make an effort to go somewhere with my husband (San Francisco was our usual destination) to take my mind off of her. It worked, staying really busy worked (I painted many rooms in the house), and tried not to worry. The chapter on her addiction has not closed. I am hoping for a happy ending.

I noticed that you live in Antioch. I live across the bay.

Suspicious

I hope the best for you and your family.

I find it hard to even reply to parents on here because I can NOT imagine how it would feel like to go thru it with my boys. As much as I love my husband I know that I could cut ties and escape in a heartbeat... especially in an effort to protect them. I would need some serious work on me to be able to do it for one of my kids even in an attempt to help them

helpformyson

With my 22yr old AS, when I hear from him, all I hear is lies. I know that he is high, hate speaking with him and know that he will probably od if he keeps it up. When I don't hear from him, I think that he is laying in a gutter somewhere or worse. Jail has not detered him, lack of a home base, nothing left to his name. For almost 3 years, it was a revolving door to my home. He would not find a job, sleep until 2-3 p.m. every day. Ran his truck into my garage (twice), sold everything he owned, broke into my file cabinets (looking for valuables). I would kick him out (changing the locks every time) and then sick with worry, let him back into the house. He had no respect for me but even less respect for himself. The last time I threw him out, I told him that he could not come back. He was too comfortable at home....mom cooking for him, washing and ironing his clothes, giving him a couple of bucks here and there (that he was always going to pay back), co-signing on a $35K student loan that he has defaulted on and now I must pay. Having so much comfort and help gives them no incentive to change. When it becomes so uncomfortable, when they burn so many bridges, when they have nothing left, when they lose their belongings with every move they make, when they are hungry, tired of being sick and miss the family ties, then maybe there is hope. I'm still waiting. Mothers are nutures. It is what we do...what we are with every fiber of our being. We miss that child that can not be nurtured because they are in a self-destruct mode. Sometimes I am filled with so much pain, hurt, despair, consuming sadness, and worry that I feel my heart is shattered in a million pieces and can not be made whole again until my child is well. I am angry that he is putting me through something, for which he has no concept as to how it affects me as his mother. I told him last month, that it was too painful for me to watch him self-destruct and (this is weird to say) it is almost better if he not call me until he decides once and for all that he was ready to get clean. I think about him all day every day. And that makes me angry, resentfull and sad. I'm d@mned if I do and d@mned if I don't. Bottom line is that I agree with those who are telling you, he is punishing you. "I'll show you that I don't need you". Hang tough.....I'm told they will be back.

NeedingHelp7

Been there done all that too. Gees!!!

Sometimes they don't call on purpose to make you worry, or to get you back because you threw him out. I know it's hard not to worry. If and when he does call. Just ask hows he's doing. Act like you haven't worried a bit. One day at a time.

Spiritual Seeker

My son has been sober a yr. and he just called the other night after purposely not returning my calls for two wks. (he is even living in a sober home that I am paying for)

WHEN he was using he would avoid and blame me.
I took a loaned car back once bec. he had disobeyed all rules to borrow such as cracking the windshield, burning holes in all the seats,
broke a headlight, dented, let friend drive, etc etc
Yet in his mind I was the enemy and I didn't hear from him for mos.

This is all typical behav. for many addicts.
You are worrying yourself sick and yet it does not help your son, it only takes you down with him.
Have you considered therapy? Therapy along with a parents al-anon grp. helped me manage my expectations and fears.