Impurrfect

Most of you know about my niece, Brit. She'll be 16 in July. Yesterday I took her with me to my stepsisters. It was my other niece, Abby's birthday, and my nephew Brandon (18) was up from FL.

It was a good day. Brit is struggling with anger at her "dad" (very justified) and sadness at never having met her mom, who died when Brit was just over a year old. Brandon was 5 and adored his aunt Tina (Brit's mom), so it was an emotional day, but we got through it and I'm glad Teresa and I were able to be there for Brit.

Brit and I have talked about weed and I know she smokes it occasionally. I've told her my feelings on it. She did mention that she and dad have talked about how proud they are of me, and that seeing what I've gone through with MY addiction, she is dead-set against any other drugs.

Brandon mentioned to me, yesterday, that he would like to get some weed....sigh. I'm actually glad that these kids talk to me about this stuff. I told him the same things I told Brit. I KNOW kids experiment, and I can only give them my experience and 2 cents. Brandon is about to go in the Air Force, so his partying days will hopefully end soon.

Fast forward to now. They are in Brit's room, smoking weed. I just went in there, and told them if I can smell it, so can stepmom. Dad's sense of smell is horrible, so he won't smell it and wouldn't know what it is anyway. I also told them they're being stupid and shut the door. They're high..a lot of good THAT did, huh?

I know I could wake up dad, and all hell would break loose. However, if my stepsister were to get involved (Brandon's mom), DFACS would be called on us, and we've been told "one more call and Brit will be removed"..only because of the calls her "dad" has made, of false allegations (screwed up situation). It would cause a HUGE split in my family, and one I'm not willing to risk, as I would probably not be able to see my little niece and nephew, and Brit got a lot of support from Teresa (stepsister) yesterday, and I want that to continue.

I'm trying to act like an aunt, and not an addict, which is not easy. I'm not happy about this, but it won't happen again. This is the first time Brandon's been in our house in, oh, 6-7 years? He's about to embark on a very adult mission and if they do a drug screen and he fails? Well, that's on him. I've already warned him, just like I've warned Brit that she's talking about getting a job and employers do drug screens.

Maybe I am trying to be their buddy, but I really am NOT the one who makes the rules in this house. I know my cousins and I snuck a few beers when we were young and we still joke about it.

Right or wrong, it's done. I'm still glad that they talk to me, and when they asked why I don't smoke weed, I told them. Brandon asked about crack, and I told him.

I guess this is just getting my thoughts out. Thanks for listening.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Lenina

(((((Amy)))

I think you've been a good aunt to them. You can only give them the benefit of your wisdom. You set a good example, you're honest with them so if nothing else, they will respect you. Who knows what seeds you planted? It may help them in the future.

My aunt was a great role model for me. It didn't keep me from walking the path but her advice, support and love kept me from going off the cliff.

That's all I have. Wish I could help.

Love,

Lenina

Impurrfect

Thanks ((Lenina)). I think a big part of my problem is my addict/codie brain instantly thinks "OMG...they're budding addicts....DO SOMETHING!!!"

The recovering brain told me to shut up, lay down and get back on SR, so that's where I am

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Amy)))

Don't forget the 3C's and ES&H - Seems you've done both!

MyJoey

Hey Amy,

Honestly when I found out at first my son was smoking weed, I thought no big deal. I did it when I was younger, he will out grow it. Now for my son it didn't stop there and he is an addict to not only weed but anything he can get his hands on. So I understand your concern, but as we all know not everyone becomes an addict and for most kids it will pass. I wouldn't feel bad about it, but I would make it clear they can't do it in the house again. If they think you accept it, they will push the limits like most teens do. Just my two cents. Julie

Seren

Oh, Amy, I'm sorry to hear about the decisions these young people are making. Can you explain to them about the DCFS and the potential for her to be placed in foster care? I would hate to use such a scare tactic, but perhaps if she and her cousin realized the reality, they would make a better choice?

Huge hugs to you!

HG

winnie12

What exactly could you do? If you figure that one out then you can write a book and be a billionaire in a couple of years. All we can really do is share what we know with them - even though i gotta agree that the house rules are not working and I dont know that your stepmom is really in the mental state to be the one making and enforcing house rules - it may be time for someone to take that role over from her.

I dont agree that you cant make rules in the house. You live there, you help pay bills, and you are a contributing adult so you do have rights and if she keeps pushing it at some point she may compromise your sobriety. Could you sit down with Dad and stepmom and see if they can agree to some new rules along with consequences? If they wont then how about frankly giving them a list of drugs and behavior and say okay then which do you allow her to do in your home? pot, drinking, heroin, crack, sex?

Yes most kids experiment at this age and not all will become addicts. But she does have the addiction gene. A lot of people think that its no big deal and they would rather have the child doing these things at home but i've seen a different side and i dont agree. All kids want to push the limits so if she's allowed to use at home then she's more likely to push the limits even further when she's away from home.

Why dont you talk to one of your cop buddies and see if they have ideas about "education"? I've found a lot of officers are very open to trying to help with youth. (Wouldnt you love to see the look on her face if one of them busted through her door while she was lightin up?) I dont know if that stuff stops the behavior but at least it gives her some insight.

Believe808

My son smokes weed all day long. When I was full blown in my addiction I never said anything to him. When I got sober, I forbid smoking in my house and that was a hard one since they did it previous and thought it was alright. He tried to test me a couple of times and I told him if he didn't do what I said then he could leave. Well, he is still smoking but does not do it anywhere in the house. When he asks if I'm going to a meeting I answer Yes would you like to come with me. Of course his answer is always no, but I do ask each time and hope the seed is planted in his head. When the time is right for him he knows he can ask me for help and I will be there. I pray that I am a good example for him and his friends. That is all I can do. I kills me as a mother to see my son using but I do not have any control over that. He has a HP just like me and I hope that his HP will save him like I was saved

.

Serenity Bound

I'm picturing this, and really like the idea.

Amy, You're such a good aunt and role model. Other than insisting that there be no drugs in the house, I think that all you can possibly do is share your ES&H.

:ghug
Chris

outtolunch

This is what I know of this 15 year old child:

Mom died and dad is a good for nothin, long time addict, in/out of jail.

Grandma has had guardianship for the past 12 years.

Grandma/guardian does not discipline or impose consequences.

Grandma is addicted to opiates.

Was sexually active and quit BC.

Smokes a pack, a day paid for by ??

Has cell phone w/unlimited texting paid for by ??

Is home-schooled by ??, when she feels like it

Stays up till 5:00AM/Sleeps till 3:00

Has tremendous anger issues and refuses counseling

Had a sleepover in basement and invited boys/beer to come in, 6 times and yet guardian did not end the party

Smokes pot in her bedroom

She is 15 years old.

What's the liklihood that after 12 years, her guardian is going to change?

I have nothing but respect for your challenges and what you have overcome, in your own life. You are in a most ackward situation.

As an outsider, looking in, I cannot help but wonder if remaining in this home enviornment the best place for this child, at this time.

Impurrfect

Thanks everyone!

As far as rules, I DON'T have any say-so as far as the rules, whether or not I pay rent and live here.

I have recently been following up on her schoolwork, and she IS doing it. I have seen some big changes in her, by just changing the way I deal with her, my dad and my stepmom and even though I whine about her, they are good changes.

I agree this is not the healthiest environment for a child to be in. However, I don't think foster care would be better. She used to spend all her time at her best friend's house. Since I've been working on my relationship with her, she spends more time at home, and she loves to spend time with me. She's already lost her mom, her dad is worthless and it may not sound like it, but I have see progress.

I'm just not ready to give up on her.

As far as my cop buddies, they are in another county. If I call the cops here, my dad will be arrested for endangering the welfare of a minor. I will talk to her later, and it won't happen again. Just the fear of me telling dad will scare her enough and I know it.

I know I didn't handle this the right way, but in 24 hours I saw this child absolutely broken, crying her heart out at the injustice of not having her mom and dad, and then this. She's not my child, but I couldn't love her more if she was.

I guess I've got to learn the same way all of you did..the hard way, huh?

Thanks again!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

winnie12

Amy, it may be enabling her to not tell your dad. i know you dont want to put her or your dad through that but think about it long and hard because if she uses drugs and has no serious consequences that affect her then she's more likely to use again. I learned this the hard way - if i could go back and do it all over i would have always enforced consequences for behavior. It probably feels very weird to you to be on the other side like this and if you're like me a bit hypocritical. How can i tell my son not to do things i've done before right? that's wrong - we can tell them not to do things and enforce rules because we know what it can lead to better than anyone. You have this right becuase what could happen to you if she got busted in your house? wouldnt that make your whole situation worse? she is jeopardizing everyone there - she is risking foster care, she is risking everything by stupid choices.

Even though you cant force the rules you can have boundaries/consquences. The cop thing can work even though they are in another county - you're not reporting anything you're just asking them to talk to her about the consquences of drugs and what they've seen. Want me to come talk to her? I can tell her some real stories about what happens. I dont have to lecture her just tell her what happened to my son who also has the addiction gene running rampant in his family.

Impurrfect

(((Winnie)))

I totally understand what you're saying and I am going to tell her if this happens again, I WILL wake up dad and let him deal with it and she can take the consequences. I talked with her, at length, about my ex dope boys, who smoked weed all the time, so she knows...she just doesn't think it will happen to her (sound familiar?). I won't stop talking and if she's stupid enough to try it again...well, her and dad can deal with it. It doesn't help that she's heard my dad say he thinks marijuana should be legalized, so in her eyes, she thinks he doesn't think it's that bad....sigh.

I think I did what I did more for Brandon than Brit...he DOESN'T get in trouble...made straight A's in school, has worked since he was 16, going into the Air Force, etc. He's a good kid, other than he smokes weed. He's also over 18.

I also told her how disappointed I was in her about the fiasco with her having boys over the night of her sleep-over and that some cussed out my stepmom. Turns out that a friend of a friend invited them (so she says) and she didn't know they cussed out stepmom. I told her I didn't care...if anything like that happens when I'm here, and they don't leave IMMEDIATELY, I WILL call the cops and SHE will be in as much trouble as the boys.

For now, that situation has been resolved. She's not allowed to have any more sleep-overs and the basement door lock has been changed so she can't let anyone in. Dad told her that he couldn't trust her judgment in who she invites over, so he and stepmom will make that decision for her.

We did a LOT of talking, the other day, and I can't help it...I see progress, and it's in her actions. She comes home, and cleans like a mad woman; she will just plop down and talk to dad or me; she says "thank you" for even the little things; she apologizes more when she's out of line. Yes, she can still be a spoiled brat that I want to smack.

I may have let down my guard last night, but I don't think it will happen again on my part. Having Brandon here threw me for a curve. Most of the time, I'm TOO strict, and I can go back to being that way with no problem. I've always told her she can be as mad as she wants to at me...as long as she knows that what I do, I do out of love.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

winnie12

They just cant understand that things can happen to them. even when they see friends getting busted and pregnant and even dying - they still just feel immune - those are things that happen to someone else. A lot of the kids in drug court arent addicts or even bad kids - they're kids just like her who got caught. whether she likes it or not, agrees with laws or not, doesnt really matter - it is what it is and its illegal. i hope you live in my county because if your in atlanta whew - i wouldnt want to get busted there -that'd be a real eye opener - they've got some rough kids down there. here - they're mostly just posers who think they're tough. i gotta say maybe its good she's not in school because honestly my son got in more trouble in school then he did at home. i thought about home schooling but i couldnt handle him home with me all day - its really hard for me to work with him here. when he does get out its very doubtful that he'll go back to hs and i'm actually glad - i'd rather he just get his GED then get back into all of that.

Impurrfect

We're in Clayton county...the county who LOST their accreditation!!!! Brit would have been like one of 10 white kids in her school, and I'm NOT prejudice..this is just a fact, and it is filled with gangs...NOT where she needs to be, so home-schooling was the best option.

I don't know if Brandon is spending the night again, but I'm going to tell them if I smell weed, I'm waking up dad and they can deal with the consequences. They will be warned...then it's up to them.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

winnie12

Clayton - def gets tough down there too being on the I75 drug traffic line. i know other people who chose homeschooling down there.
i'm in cobb - we're sissies up here - i like it that way.

Impurrfect

yeah, I KNOW the Cobb county cops! They eat in my restaurant all the time..I'd just drag Brit to work and let them scare the he!! out of her. Unfortunately, we're 40 miles away

Right now, all is quiet. Kids are on myspeace, dad is trying to figure out the new cable/internet thing, and stepmom, as usual, is watching TV. Me? I'm about to do my 2nd book for school, another load of laundry, and snuggle with Elvis.

I've always had a ton of respect for you parents, but I'm getting more and more each day.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

bluebelle

Impurrfect, That's a really difficult situation you were put in. I don't know what the answer is. My ABF started smoking pot at 16. He continued to smoke it until he quit opiates--almost 30 years of smoking pot. He said that his parents didn't know what to do about his smoking. They wouldn't really talk to him about it. He got in trouble at school for smoking during a football game. He was suspended for 3 days (this was the 70's after all). His parents were frozen about how to handle this. I think he wishes that they would have talked to him more to find out why he was smoking.

It's good that you are talking to her and getting her to open up. I think you do need to stick with what you said--if you catch her again, then you'd need to tell your dad. I don't think any teenager should be taking mind-altering substances. It's so hard for them to quit when they start so young. However, I know how tempting it is for them to experiment.

It does sound like she needs more structure/discipline. She sounds like she has too much time on her hands. I guess you don't have any other school programs that she can go to in that area? Are there any charter schools she could try? Maybe she could do volunteer work? Or is there some kind of activity she's interested in--like photography, or art? It's good that she is helping out at home. Maybe the best you can do is just spend good quality time with her. You can show her that she can have fun sober, and that there are rewards for sober living.

Impurrfect

(((Bluebelle)))

She does have too much time on her hands, but on a good note, she is helping out with her best friend's grandparents..."granna" has cancer and Brit sits with her, helps around the house, etc. She does this several times a week. They are the closest she has to grandparents, even though my dad and stepmom ARE her grandparents, they're more like her parents (I know..confusing). Her other grandparents...well they're enablers of an addict son and like to manipulate Brit, so she has learned how to detach.

She is determined to get a job once she turns 16, and she will get a huge dose of reality, because she just hasn't had much structure in a while. It will be good for her to have a schedule to follow. I talk about things that go on in MY job, since I wait tables and deal with "kids" so she has an idea of what to expect.

To be not biologically related (her mom was my stepsister), she has inherited my hard-headedness, and will have to learn some lessons the hard way. I'm giving her all the ES&H I can, but I also try to remember that some of my best lessons came from consequences. No, she didn't have any from last night, but she knows she will if it happens again. The one thing Brit has learned from me, is I follow through.

I really do appreciate all the feedback. All those times, in the past when I've thought "well, if it was MY kid, I would....", well, I'm eating those words I still would have liked to use "my house, my rules", but haven't gotten there....yet.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy