logan77

thanks again. naw, the musician article never romanticized it. the stories were very harrowing, the road to recovery inspiring.
I've been tested. thankfully, I'm ok. she's damn lucky she's ok, in that department at least.
I'm working my program: ALA-NON, writing/playing, focusing on job, working out, going out. went on a weekend getaway which helped tremendously.

if I begin to have bad thoughts, I immediately engage in an activity to calm my nerves. I come here if needed, and I have my ALA-NON numbers, though I have yet to try 'em.

thanks, no worries on being hard on me. believe me, no rose colored glasses here. though, perhaps a pair could come in handy at night yes, I'm joking.
thanks as always. really.

logan77

bad dreams last night. How to kick 'em? I try reading, or calling my friend on the west coast, due to time difference she's up.
I didnt tell my friend the extent of what happened; I'm too embarrased.
though she knows enough. not everyone has to know every little thing.
wrote great material yesterday. felt crummy, went to the movies.
called a friend. spun some records.


sigh. Ya know, I've worked with people worse off than her and they've been better for over 10 years! I guess the difference is, they wanted to get better....she's just not ready. Her issues/chemical imbalance was so out of whack she honestly told herself she'd do it once more before outpatient. sick.
On Abilify, she was doing so well! Docs noted MAJOR improvements. then she ceased taking it, and a few days later, look what happened....
one cannot just go off psychotropic drugs, sometimes, the results can be fatal.

I wish none of this pain happened. I have to protect myself now.
Don't laugh,here's something very personal...ideally, she gets herself together, stays healthy consistently, we gradually communicate, realize emotions are still there, and things eventually work out where we're stronger than ever and nothing stops us. COULD HAPPEN. BUT, I won't be a fool and sit around and wait for a COULD. she's gotta want it. I have to not become bitter. I have to work through this pain, ultimately forgive this pain for any of the above to happen. I'm aware, it may NEVER EVER happen...
she's been ill for a decade! that's a long time....

also, if anyone is from NY...Road Recovery benefit concert is May 1st.
Wayne Kramer(friend), Slash, Perry Farrell, Gilby Clarke, etc. are playing to raise money for this charity that works with at risk youth to prevent drug addiction and offer hope.

I tell myself, she's not doing this purposely to hurt me. I understand, but I'm still hurting.

logan77

tix are available through ticketmaster(yuck) for 25 bucks and the show is at Nokia Theater in Times Square.

logan77

I'm godamn hurting tonight. I miss coming home to her after work; her xcitement, her willingness to be supportive and listen. this is LOUSY. and it's all happening so close to my home. How could she do this so close?! AT LEAST go someplace further away. I'm looking at new places to live a little further away. Remember, I'm not RUNNING AWAY, but hoping a change in environment could be helpful. I LIKE my happy dreams of us, but reality is cold, and unforgiving.
then, I remember, this ain't no relapse, it was a pre-lapse. I sadly think, if she was able to come home that same night after doping, and start outpatient that she would never tell me what she did beforehand.
I trusted her with the one thing I have that cannot be replaced.
If I let it run cold, if I become jaded, and hate her, and hate people and remain distrustful, I'll lose a whole lot more.
I wanna kick this junkie's door down and take her for help....but dragging someone to help makes it worse. SHES NOT READY AND WILLING OR EVEN ABLE TO SEEK IT RIGHT NOW ON HER OWN.

thanks for not giving up on me with my posts. I think this is more helpful than a doctor, a doc. who most likely never had an addiction, but only witnesses his/her patients with them.

will go read now.

splendra

Trying to force someone to get clean is the worse thing we can possibly do. There is only one "unless" and that is if they are a minor that you are legally responsible for and, even then it can be a huge challenge and they still might not get clean. This is one of the best ways I know to make resentment build.

I hope you will count yourself very lucky that you got away from her in such a short time and that you don't have children with her and she hasn't had the chance to ruin your credit. Living with an addict does not get easier it gets worse and worse. I am totally amazed at my ability to put up with crap from being so closely associated with people who have addiction problems.

I am praying that you can heal from this and find someone better. Surely you can find someone with less problems and issues than this woman. I know you can find someone who you will not have to worry about them going out and trading sex for dope.

Freedom1990

Maybe a move is in order. I had to start fresh in a whole new location after I got out of rehab. There was a lot of bad mojo back home, not to mention a psychotic and violent AH at the time.

It was a good decision on my part. I've never regretted it.

Time will ease the pain. :ghug :ghug

logan77

sigh. we cannot choose who we fall in love with.
I'm FREAKING OUT cuz I've decided to get tested yet again. I'm very scared. she should've told what she did years ago...it's FAIR to every partner out there. she had opportunities, ya know. We had a lot of discussions. I guess the same 'ol "I was afraid I'd lose you" and the whole complete avoidance of consequences. nonsense!

oh, her old drinking buddy(years ago) texted me at 3 am last night to ask me for her new address. I called the falling day and stated that I don't appreciate being contacted right now by her. and her contacting the qualifier will hinder any independent efforts to get sober. this person said she was very angry at the junkie that is housing our qualifier, but all she'll accomplish going there is a) drinking relapse b) getting hurt/angry c) possible legal problems. not needed! why contact me? not necessary.....this girl is the same one who said move on and how she dealt with the qualifier's behavior for a decade.
I smell something a foul....

trying hard, daily. it is ok to protect happy memories.

kj3880

It is true, as you say, that we cannot control who we fall in love with but only to a certain extent. It's hard to fall in love with, or indeed to stay in love with, someone that don't spend time with. And that includes time obsessing about the person. The more you obsess over the past, the harder it is to break free. I used to keep a rubber band on my wrist and snap myself when I caught myself obsessing. I suggest that you limit the amount of time you spend dwelling on these "happy memories" at this point in your recovery.

KJ

Serenity Bound

Logan, IMO, a NO CONTACT boundary should be in effect with anyone associated with her. If you get a text, don't read, delete, if you get a call, don't answer.

Keep working on you, because that is the ONLY person that you can change.

As for the other issue, not telling you, even if she were clean & sober, I don't think it is something an addict is proud to own up to or admit.

logan77

she did own up to it. while in program. I said I wasn't going to judge her on something that happened years ago....but then stated in all fairness she should've said something a lot sooner.
my, how something one used to has become something someone is currently doing.
I xplained to her that it seemed very likely she was on the spectrum for BiPolar, and how damn serious of an illness that is. PERHAPS this un-treated BP can very well be bringing on even more dope urges. Her mom mentioned the possibility of that to me only after we were together for 3+ months! You'd think a parent would be more informative...that's just me.
IF a doc. even ONCE mentioned that, how come treatment as a minor wasn't consistent?! I dunno...that bad homelife, lack of stable parents, etc. sure is taking its toll. BUT, using that as crutch to justify actions like this when you're an adult is just a cop out.

thanks...yet again. I will post later in the week. need some me time.

logan77

love can be sucked dry as fast as it can begin. I was at the damn clinic all afternoon re-checking my safety and I realized...if she was capable at all of giving a damn right now, she'd be in the waiting room helping. Low and behold, empty waiting room. Just uncertainty, raised blood pressure, and anger to join me.
Well, looks like I'm done with it for the time being. still baby steps.
I just think it's absurd that I'm the one being forced to endure tests while she's out avoiding responsiblity and getting high. not a person I should associate with.
thanks again, as always!

logan77

wow. what a turnaround. I'm really coping well. Stepped back from the situation and realized that I ALREADY gave enough of my time and emotions to this seemingly un-winnable situation. So...I'm done. I got some text from her and just deleted it because she's at some other dealer's house...honestly, all her "friends" are dealers, addicts, and drinkers. Just lame stuff, how she wants to run away with me...I sadly think she believes that it will happen, despite all her nonsense.
I think my "rock bottom" was waiting in the doc's office, longest 20 min. of my life. who NEEDS or WANTS to deal with that?!
I'm takin' care of me and my fam.
thanks sooooooo much!! May I post again despite doing quite well? thanks. oh, and I'm moving, too.

Serenity Bound

Wow, you sound great! So good to hear you're moving and moving on.

Will look forward to hearing how well you are doing.

kj3880

Yes of course continue to post. Perhaps you might be interested to look at some of the other peoples' threads who have helped you in your time of need and give back?

Love,
KJ

splendra

By all means keep posting!! I am very happy that you found your bottom!! I am sure you can do better!!

logan77

hi everybody,

Are things ok? I thought I'd continue to come here. I can no longer make ALA-NON due to work. Work is going VERY WELL. I enjoy making positive impacts and learning. See, if I was still involved in a negative situation, it would affect my work performance cuz I'd be too concerned with where she would go during her days off from work.

I took an inventory and, not to sound like a jerk, made a list of pro and cons in terms of qualities. Cons far outway the pros. Lastly, what she's done with her life has been sooooo limited. Sadly, some of my students have already done more with their lives. I accept some blame for my situation; should've ended things earlier, perhaps stepped back right away during her inpatient stay, etc. But I accept no blame for the relationship failing. It sadly wasn't built upon a 100% honest foundation.

I can certainly give back to all of you. However, I humble myself and say I dunno what I can offer in terms of addiction knowledge. But I give this:

1. remove personal items of your qualifier and store them safely. look at them at a healthier point in time in your life.

2. take personal inventory and make pro and con list of relationship. are you dealing with more pros than cons? time to move.

3. surround yourself with SURVIVORS!

4. engage in things that help YOU

5. exercise or pick up a new activity. physical engagement helps shut the mind off

6. reach out to friends.

well, that's it for now. Oddly, since I've just (poof) gotten over it, and since she's been gone, my life has already turned around so quickly. Do I care about her? yes, but not romantically at all. IF she cleaned up and x amount of time later contacted me, Id say hi but would not meet her anywhere.
Honestly, she's STRUNG OUT. She's WORSE, what's holding me to waiting for her? jeez...
all my best to all!

cece1960

Hi Logan,
Most of us (myself included) landed on this board because someone we loved was addicted.
And many of us (me again) continue to apply much of what we learned in all areas of our life.
I can only speak for myself but I come here to continue on my path, to find a better me, and when I can, to offer support to those who are struggling. I still struggle at times.

Read around...you may see someone who is looking for someone who understands what they are feeling, and need hope that there is way out of the darkness.
(((Hugs)))

logan77

gimme a shout if I can help. I'll try.
will keep posting....
supposed to be great weather this weekend!
let's hit it!