logan77

damnit!!!!!!!!! she texts me thinking I'm, get this, going to drive to her dealer's house to give her her godamn phone. Legally, I'll get some crap if I go there. not worth it! How selfish. she's gotta be high to write something that dumb.
her gramma and her have spoken, and her grams took no crap whatsover. she cried, her gramma said stop it, b.s. she said she has no clothes. her gramma said too bad. stand strong!

artists I've interviewed on this subject: Duane Peters(U.S. Bombs, Die Hunns, Gunfight), Corey Parks(Die Hunns, Chelsea Girls), Ron Emory(TSOL), Wayne Kramer(MC5), Aimee Echo(The Start), Adam Becavre(Lustkillers).
sigh. I think that makes me somewhat smarter on the subject

phone is OFF. but needs to be on for a business call dang.
e-mail set to ignore.

if I didn't care about her, I'd give in and let the cycle keep going.

I deserve a good weekend. NO MORE POSTS from me til later this week. promise.

Freedom1990

Ohhh, those kinds of artists! I thought you were talking along the lines of Picasso or something. No, wait a minute, he's dead isn't he?

Personally I prefer my grandson's fingerpaints, but obviously that's the wrong kind of artist. Sigh.

DeVon-who opted for the personal life experience vs. interviewing others option

logan77

hi all,

As promised, I'm posting mid-week.
It's been real hard. I miss her. the good times. I'm nowhere near just hanging it up and saying I enjoyed the great times. I really did enjoy her living with me. oh those nice nights....but, baby steps.
I'm not a give up guy. But hasn't she given up more than once by continuing to use? Hmmm.

I remember the 3 c's. I flirt with the idea of busting in there and taking her back...but that would allow her bad behavior to continue. why does it make little sense sometimes to detatch with love? do we turn our backs and let our loved ones hit bottom? even if it could be AWFUL? I do still care. hard to care about someone that has...

1. deceived me the first time it happened
2. returns more than once to this junkie
3. puts crack ahead of me, and in a way, herself
4. won't get help right now.
5. cops out and just says I deserve a better woman and how she's sorry she cannot be that woman. I mean, with consistent help, she could be...lame.
she'll just go on using now that I'm gone.
6. yes, she's a junkie cuz she's doing low things for dope
7. she's a deadbeat mom

she calls me partner! but how can it be a partnership if I'm doin' all the work?
I'm focusing a lot on myself; going out of town for a while for a mental health break. I don't deserve this! I'm dining with her gram's next week. could be a positive thing for both of us. we'll see.
her gram is now flirting with the idea of allowing her to come back with strict guidelines in place. But I'm thinking, this already happened more than once.
not my call, though. ALA-NON is helping.

I'm understanding her addiction is seperate from affection. but she's waaay out of excuses. from the no $ for meds. to the "I don't like inpatient confinement", to the everything! I'm proud for totally helping her stay clean the longest she ever did in her life....but it's her fight now. I'm human damnit!I can miss her. as long as it don't affect me too too much, it's ok.
If she ever returns to her gram's she'll see my letters and know where I'm at.
I should be teaching again in about 2 weeks, we'll see. it'll be positive for me.

These running conversations I have with her in my head are hard to cease. it'll take time. be aware, we officially broke up Jan. 8th. but we seem to say hello and goodbye often.
she's in my thoughts. even if she don't deserve to be right now.

standing strong as I can...today.

kj3880

Well, if we don't hit our personal bottom, we can't start getting well. So, if you prevent her from hitting hers, then you will be delaying her progress. The bottom is AWFUL, by definition. That is why it's the bottom. But that's where we have to start.

It's odd to me that it seems so important for you to separate her affection from her addiction. If that were true and they were totally separate, then we now know which is strongest, don't we?

In reality, when we are in active addiction, nothing is separate from the drugs. Life becomes one big drug-seeking journey, nothing more nor less. Our focus and our world narrow completely to getting and using MORE. It is all-comsuming, all-absorbing.

That doesn't mean that you, Logan, are not a lovable person. Don't let your self-worth be defined by whether you "win" this one. Drugs win every time. It's no reflection on you, mate. You could be the cutest, most loveable, wonderful, loving, caring, hunky man on earth. Wouldn't matter. You could be her perfect soul-mate. Wouldn't matter. Drugs win every time, until we seek recovery with every fiber of our being. That never happens with most of us addicts. More of us eventually die of this thing then find lasting recovery. We are the only ones who can decide that, though.

Detach and get out of the way, so she can have a chance to decide. Get out of the front row seat and stop socializing with her granny, and other family and friends, or you are setting yourself up for a codie relapse. Good luck!

KJ

In a Tailspin

One of my fellow alanon-ers has a great visual about bottoms (the kind we hit, not the kind we sit on!!)

She talks about how with her qualifier, her bottom was not as low as his was. So for years, as he would plummet towards *his* bottom, he would first get to where *her* bottom was.....the lowest that *she* was able to tolerate. So she would "rescue" and "fix" until it got better. Many, many times he would hit her bottom, and she would pick him back up. She refers to it as him *bouncing* off her like she was his personal trampoline, and how painful that was *for her*. She also now realizes that it took him many years longer than it could or should have to hit his own bottom and eventually stop drinking because she kept getting in his way.

Just hoping that you will see what you have done as a positive step for you *and* for her. You had to get out of the way so she can hit her bottom. Unfortunately, what she is doing may NOT be her bottom.....although it's clearly low enough that we would all *hope* that it is. Good for you for getting your sanity back and allowing her to get one step closer to her own potential for recovery. You are allowed to grieve the loss of "what could have been......" - you're just not allowed to blame yourself for the fact that it won't be that way. Good luck to you - - and keep up with the Alanon!!

splendra

Hey Logan

You have to understand that her bottom is about her not you. Understand that addicts don't think like other people because getting high is always the end goal.

I believe if they wanted to they could talk the sun out of rising if it meant they could get high because of it.

I have been manipulated in so many ways by the addicts in my life. I hope it does not take you as long as it took me to see the light.

logan77

her mutual friend confirmed that she's out with "clients" again. This is disgusting. it happens close to my house, what a slap in the face. this person also said my qualifier has been ill for years, had sex with her ex for drugs and just doesn't get it. this person scared me by saying: "I think her rock bottom is death." I cannot think this way. I will keep the honest, good times close.
time to live on life. this is really too much and ABSURD. Like Leaving Las Vegas or Requiem For A Dream. Nice to know crack is always ahead of me
well, my self-esteem will be intact.
she said: "I want to get high once more before outpatient." well, once has been 10 days and counting....
until she's sorting it out, No CONTACT policy in effect.
oh, I did get that teaching job. go me.

Serenity Bound

Logan, Congrat's on the teaching job. Hoping that this will help you remove yourself further from your addiction to her. Yes, I said addiction to her, because I know first hand that we love our addicts so much that we become obsessed with them. And that committee in your head, (part of our obsession) I literally have to force myself to turn that committee off.

Crack is one awful drug (not that they all aren't).....I've seen how my AD has put crack as top #1 spot in her life, above all else. She now has 4+ mos clean & sober, she reached her bottom on her own, hopefully for the last time. B/4 she turned around I HAD to put the NO CONTACT boundary in place, for both her & me.

Keep up with your meetings, they are a great source of comfort & encouragement.

Again, Congratulations on your new job!!!

logan77

she missed me singing our song with The Lustkillers onstage Thurs.
she misses her daughter growing up
me doing even better and growing
life in itself
school, education, culture
family
EVERYTHING for this drug.

too much to list. MY MEMORIES I will keep safe from her addiction and that monster she chooses to live with. I won't replay awful images in my head of what she's doing now.
forgetting good times completely truly is the final death.
standing, strong. tonight at least. won't ask for more. baby steps.
I'm indebted to you all for helping.

kj3880

Be careful about romanticizing this experience you have just had. Addicts, even relationship addicts, tend to romanticize our experiences with our drug of choice. We play over the good times, and discard the pain. If you get a craving for your friend, you need to play the tape all the way through. Are you going to Alanon or Naranon?

You do get to keep the good memories, but please do not completely forget what this woman is capable of doing in the grip of her addiction. Create strong boundaries. Stick to them. Let her have a year clean and get her career and life on track before you let her live with you. You don't need a child-woman, no matter how attractive that idea may seem to you. A real full-fledged woman is what will make you happy, what will be a true life-partner. Drama is interesting, and can make you feel like a hero when you are always rescuing the lost little princess, but ultimately, it doesn't last. Just keep in the front of your mind, this lost little princess had sex for drugs. Not so romantic.

Love,
KJ

logan77

yes, no romanticizing here.
trading sex for dope is a good way to die.
partners means both give 100% all the time. not when they can or healthy enough. lame. I'm older and seem to have a much better grip on what a healthy relationship requires. remember, she couldn't even manage to change our pet's water

All I can be is me and all I can do is be the best I can. I made positive, sincere efforts. up to her now. I will work my program FOR ME.
just so damn tragic the way things spiraled downward. I feel I'm being smart by giving her the time to get her act together. but, that source said she's been out of control/ill for a decade. I believe it. you have time to slowly kill yourself, you have time to try and get well. her choice. Do I miss her when she's the person I know deep inside? yes. but it will come at such a heavy price if I stuck around when she wasn't getting help. I know it.

yes, I will continue to attend program. however, with new job I might have to start a whole new group, which I don't like cuz I'm new enough to groups as it is. the time my group takes place I'll be at work.

thanks for everything. what can I do to help?

outtolunch

Her addiction is about drugs. What she does for drugs is about drugs. None of this has anything to do with you.

We do not play second fiddle to drugs. Addiction is a one man band.

kj3880

A couple of things: You are older, that is true. You are older in a couple of ways now. Chronologically, which is what you are referring to, and maturationally. We addicts stop maturing at whatever age we start using. So if she's been active in addiction for a decade, then she's ten years younger than her chronological age, mentally. Fun. Not.

We change so much in recovery. We are not the same person afterward. Who you know her to be "deep inside" is not who she'll be after recovery. That's one reason so many of these recovery relationships fall apart.

What can you do to help her? Get out of her way and let her bottom out. Stay out of her way in her early recovery so she can work it. Find other ways to occupy yourself, even if it means you have to move on to healthier partners. It's not the easiest thing in the world to hear, I know, but I'm just being honest as to what's likely to happen.

Love,
KJ

mooselips

Logan,
You know what I see when I read your posts?
A smart guy looking towards the future, and someone who has the ability to take control of their life.


Your situation is not too far from mine, even though my 35 year old son is the addict.

He has been semi sober for 6 months, and that still doesn't solve the addict personality, and I'm leaning towards the idea that it'll never change. He's in prison now for the next 2 years...perhaps that will help.

If I could leave him I would in a heartbeat, somehow we have this genetic blood thing that will keep me forever part of his life. What is, is.

But........I have detached, and won't submit myself to the insaneness of addiction anymore.

Set yourself free, mind, body, and soul.


Hugs to you, Logan, you're going to be alright.

logan77

I miss the sober her. I won't lie. I really am cowboying up and letting her bottom out. this is the hardest relationship ever. yes, that begs the question if its worth it. and no, I don't regret breaking up with her, or throwing her out of my place.
however, I also know she's been the only person to make me forget my intense, yet healthy relationship of 4 years. what does that mean? c'mon, I cannot overlook things like that.
I have silly daydreams of happiness with her.
if I didn't care, I'd keep rescuing her etc. but since I do, I will let her sort it out.

I'm friggin' trying hard. going to tear it up in the education circuit. write some more songs and record again. push myself physically and continue working out. but nights are very hard. baby steps. I don't wanna force myself to just forget her. is this what you people are suggesting? I dunno about that one....
do we ever really forget? being forgotten is the final death.

should I post my addiction article involving musicians online for all of you to read? incredible stuff!

logan77

baby steps. I don't sit around like a fool waiting...or waiting for mircales. believe me you, I have witnessed some. but I've seen the sadness, too. I demand the impossible in life

splendra

Is she the first addict/alcoholic you have ever been involved with?

There is something to be said about getting to know someone really well before you sleep with them...

logan77

I agree with the really knowing someone part.
However, it really did feel right. and we talked it out.
I'm going out on a limb and posting here, but I don't feel ashamed for caring a lot about her.
I will continue adhering to everyone's advice. thank you so much! honest.
AND, if I can do anything to kinda pay you all back, lemme know. ok?

thanks! I guess what they say for addicts can be said for me.
baby steps, hour by hour.
I write letters to her and seal them up and date them. store them away. helps cease those running conversations I have with her in my head.

In a Tailspin

It would be highly advisable for you to get tested, my friend. If she's been selling her body prior to being with you, you are at a really high risk for all the big uglies: HIV, Hepatitis C, and all the non-lethal but still not cool STDs. Get to your doctor, my friend. And keep up the no contact. It may even be necessary to ask others not to talk to you about her. Unless/until she's ready to get clean, all it will do for you to hear about her current actions is make you hurt........over and over and over again.

kj3880

Writing letters you never send can help. What's helped me is staying busy in my own life, and working on my stuff. Honestly don't we all have enough issues and goals and problems and character defects to work on that we none of us should have any time to rescue others if we stay focused on our stuff. And our lives improve when we do that, too. When we put the attention where it is really needed in our lives, suddenly, our perspective changes. It's like when you adjust the focus correctly on a camera...wow...I can see what's really out there for me when I look at it like that!

You keep on asking the same question, are "you people" (whatever that means) suggesting that I just forget her? Nobody has suggested that. You can keep whatever you want of the memories and still learn to be healthy and refocus your life around healthy things and people.

You notice we none of us are that interested in musicians with addictions, however incredible it probably may be, and that's for several reasons:

1. This forum has a focus and guiding principle of respecting others' anonymity in their struggle with the disease of addiction. We don't put about anyones' name connected with their addiction on this forum, even if they are famous. It's pretty much the opposite of what "we people" (if I can speak for us) stand for.

2. On this forum we share our personal experience with codependency and addiction. We want to hear about your personal experience, strength, and hope. Not what some, albeit famous, musician has done or said.

3. I tend to think that your coverage of addiction as it relates to famous musicians has made you romanticize this disease and its' sufferers, including your girlfriend. There's a number of people in the media who portray addiction with the same glamour they portray eating disorders. They show skinny, wasted models, actors, and rockers skulking on the runway, nodding out backstage, or passing out while rehearsing with their bands. We try to keep it real here. It only looks sexy from a distance. Up close and in focus, addiction is ugly. It rots your teeth, ruins your skin, and makes you a selfish unhappy person. Not cute at all. Not interesting to me.

I'm not trying to be hard on you, but you seem to still have on your rose-tinted glasses where this sick young woman is concerned. Wake up and smell the death this thing causes.
Love,
KJ