In a Tailspin

So here's a quick update. My XABF and I broke up on 2/19, but I couldn't, by state law, force him out without 30 days written notice. I wasn't smart enough to give him written notice right away (in my mind, surely he wouldn't stay where he wasn't wanted, right?) Well, I ended up having to "bribe" him to get in writing what he owed me every month and that he would be out of my house by 3/30......yep, that's today!!

However, the XABF's DOC is Oxycontin, and about a week after we broke up he found a "reason" to go back on his prescription.......after going through Suboxone in November to get off the sh!t. So on 3/19 I found burned foil, and tea light candle, and the outside of a pen in the spare bedroom. I was actually investigating the smell of a smoldering candle after he left......and there it was. Right on the night stand of the bedroom he'd been sleeping in since we broke up. How dare he smoke that stuff in my house? I was OUTRAGED!! I called him and told him that if he wasn't out of my house the next day that I would call his doctor (who knows he's an addict and has made him sign a contract not to abuse his meds) what he was doing and that I was pretty sure that his doctor wouldn't continue giving him pills if he was going to smoke them.

He was out on 3/20. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do to watch him load up his car and drive away. As much as it's a relief that he's not here under my feet, laying around on my couch all day, being completely irresponsible...........I'm actually fighting a lot more sadness than I would've anticipated.

I was so angry and him, and felt so betrayed - - I wasn't prepared to be sad. I thought I would somehow skip that step in the grief process. Problem is, I know I have to grieve the loss of "what could've been" and what I *thought* this relationship was going to be............how wonderful it was in the beginning. I get that grieving that is essential, and that sadness is part of the process. But I can't help being a little mad at myself for it. It seems, in some way, to be sad over the end of a relationship with a man that has lied to me, stolen from me, manipulated me........you all know the ropes of life with an addict. My experience was not unique, it was just mine.

So while I no longer wake up and dread what the day will bring, I am in the crying stage. A stage I didn't feel safe to enter while he was still living under my roof. A stage that hits me at the weirdest times. Like today, during my first trip to the grocery store to shop for just me. Fought back tears several different times. I am trying to be gentle with myself. Grieving is allowed, expected, and healthy. And this too shall pass. But I'm being safe. I called today to make an appointment with a counselor - - and it's a big deal for me to say I need some help. But I'm determined not to carry the baggage from this relationship into my future relationship. I'm gonna take the time to get to know me, get me healthy, and get me satisfied with me before venturing out on another relationship.

I'm keeping busy, which is helpful. But I also find that now and then I crave a quiet night home alone - - just me and the dog. Something I've not ever had or craved before. It's nice.

Ok........done babbling now. Guess my point is that what I thought would be a "joyful" parting still has pain..........but I'm okay with it. Good luck to all of you still in the relationship with your addict...........I am thankful to be putting that chapter behind me now.

rose

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, but I only know to well the feelings. The addict in my life was my husband of 20years, But I can honestly tell you with time it feels better. He is not the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep nor the first thing I think of when I wake up. ( I don't mean to call him thing, just thoughts)

I was a lost sole for sometime, I guess another step getting through, but I am ok. I make plans with friends and family, plus I make plans with myself. I like to go and do things by myself, yesterday I went to the mall shoe shopping, really I didn't want anyone to come with me, just wanted me time and that is what I did. I enjoy time in my yard by myself, never really by myself there, my dog and cat are alway with me, but I find peace in that and they love it too!

You sound like you are really on track and all will be ok!

Rose

Freedom1990

:ghug :ghug

Serenity Bound

As you expected the grieving process is a part of your closure. Even though you are 30% sad, you sound like you are on your way to 100% freedom & happiness.

:ghug

BayAreaPhoenix

Yep, you're on your way. I was shocked too, when after about six months in my own space I had all these feelings - some sadness, even some anger - come bubbling up and tears spilling out. My therapist said I was just feeling safe enough to finally feel - things that I stuffed over the years, the grieving for what I was working for in my marriage, etc.

Hugs to you - I agree with above, you are on your way to better things!


:ghug

kj3880

Good for you for taking this big step forward to freedom and serenity. Maybe check out an Alanon meeting?

KJ

rozied

Keep focusing on yourself & keep busy making your own life as comfortable, and good as you can. It does get better & better with time.
Love,
Diane