outtolunch

Cessy,

I think you have just found a new excuse to hang on to ABF. That's OK if it's OK with you.

It now involves your child, who is exhibiting his own co-dependent issues and feeling responsible, if you call it quits with this guy. <sigh>

And here you are again, frustrated because ABF is doing what addicts do.

Freedom1990

I sacrificed my oldest AD at the altar of codependency for many years. That was a very painful truth that I had to face when I finally hit my codependent bottom. I drug her through hell and back because it was always about me me me and what the addict wasn't doing for me me me.

Children do learn what they see and live with.

Now that 31 year old AD of mine not only hooked into addictions/alcoholism herself, but her untreated codependency has exposed her own children to things that have broken my heart many times over. It's a 'gift' that is passed from generation to generation when denial stays in place, unfortunately.

bluebelle

Cessy,
Your son does sound like a wonderful kid. He is obviously very concerned about you and the effect that all of this has on you. I'm glad that he felt comfortable enough to talk you. That is a really good. It can be so hard for teens to share with their parents.

I don't think it's a great idea to force ABF to talk to your son. If he doesn't want to share, then it would just be forced. You're right, anything that ABF would say would just be quacking.

You need to do what is best for you and your son--even if the decision is not what your son thinks you should do. As the adult, you make the decisions for the family. Your son will watch your actions, and will learn a lot from what you do. Make it clear to your son that any decision that is to be made will be your decision. That will help him understand that he is not responsible for whatever happens with your relationship to ABF. Does that make any sense?

Take care. I'm sending prayers out for both of you.

cessy68

What you say makes perfect sense Bluebelle, thankyou for sending me and my son prayers.

I talked with my therapist tonight, (who is a recoverd addict, 25yrs and now dedicates his practice to these issues.)

He was very compassionate and loving to me, just as you were. He pretty much summed it up the way you did.

My therapist aknowledged the difficulty in my situation. My abfs drug abuse is a problem that has been quite hidden, and since I gave up my role of 'detective', there is nothing that impacts me directly by his addiction, (ie, the bills are paid, and he isn't abusive, bla bla bla.... we all know his story)

Therefore, I had settled into a mode, that he can do what he wishes..... and I wasn't going to interrupt my life any further, by questioning him on whether he is still taking the pills etc.

Believe it or not, I'm not dumb, and I know he is still useing. However, I figured I'd let things just be for a while... (prior to my son's letter). That was working for me - and my home.

Now I feel like because my son found my SR posts....I'm suppsosed to throw the abf out.. or do something different than what I was working on.

I know somewhere down the line, that the abf will either get clean, or get worse, where he will face those concequences. (prob the latter of the two.)
However, this is a work in progress for me. It took a long time for things to get where they are now for me. I think it will take some time for me to proceed to the next level of 'dealing' with all of this.

A meeting where I attended recently - provided me alot of insight to this as well. I'm not going to beat myself up for a lack of movement on my part right now.... I'm just going to keep learning, and living. The right way to handle all of this will be revealed if I keep pushing forward.

thankyou for the empathy,
Love,
cess