severing a relationship has jagged edges
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
severing a relationship has jagged edges
It's just gotten to where the relationship wi 22 AS has to be severed while he's in untreated active addiction for different reasons...
But, it's not a smooth thing to do. I'd told him i'd help him with his taxes (which i've always done for all children since they started working). So, to keep that particular promise, i'll meet him to finish that up. Another thing, there's no answer I can give him to his "why are you doing this?" He wants to go back to the "you don't know what I do, you never ask me what I'm doing, you never help me." Oh, this would be so much easier if he were to say, "I understand Mom." Instead I hang up never getting through to him. And i know he's going to push on that boundary I've made because that's where his brain is. But, my knowing it ahead of time does not mean it's going to be a piece of cake. It's just not a smooth thing to do...
But, it's not a smooth thing to do. I'd told him i'd help him with his taxes (which i've always done for all children since they started working). So, to keep that particular promise, i'll meet him to finish that up. Another thing, there's no answer I can give him to his "why are you doing this?" He wants to go back to the "you don't know what I do, you never ask me what I'm doing, you never help me." Oh, this would be so much easier if he were to say, "I understand Mom." Instead I hang up never getting through to him. And i know he's going to push on that boundary I've made because that's where his brain is. But, my knowing it ahead of time does not mean it's going to be a piece of cake. It's just not a smooth thing to do...
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
it is a hard thing with our addict sons but we have to take care of ourself. your answer to"why are you doing this" can be ..there is nothing i can do to keep you clean so i will just take care of my self & let you fall. i wish i had gotten into recovery when my a.s. was in the beginnig of his addiction. it would have saved me alot of worry,& money both. the money would not have mattered IF it had helped him. take care of you & know we have all been thru this. let go or be dragged. prayers,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I guess I'm pretty grateful that my oldest AD doesn't ask questions like that anymore. She knows better. I do nada for her, zip, zilch, zero.
I've had very few phone phone conversations with her (always initiated by her, not me) over the last couple of years, and even less face-to-face encounters.
When I do, she's the Aflac duck, whether it's on the other end of the phone, or in person.
Quack, quack, quack.
My life's good. I'm reasonably happy, working towards my college degree, my 20 year old daughter and I have a good relationship.
I'm active in my 12 step group, sponsor other women, and have taken on a couple of service positions lately.
I've had very few phone phone conversations with her (always initiated by her, not me) over the last couple of years, and even less face-to-face encounters.
When I do, she's the Aflac duck, whether it's on the other end of the phone, or in person.
Quack, quack, quack.
My life's good. I'm reasonably happy, working towards my college degree, my 20 year old daughter and I have a good relationship.
I'm active in my 12 step group, sponsor other women, and have taken on a couple of service positions lately.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It is not easy doing what is right when it doesn't feel good.
This is a phase. Things will change and he will come back in your life.
For now thankfully you have the courage to do what is best for you.
May he get the courage to do what is best for him one day soon.
This is a phase. Things will change and he will come back in your life.
For now thankfully you have the courage to do what is best for you.
May he get the courage to do what is best for him one day soon.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Manipulation is part of the addiction dance, so sadly he probably won't say "I understand mom" until he seeks recovery and realizes that what you are doing is the best thing both for him and for you. In the meantime, I hope you can cling to the knowledge that not filling in the hole so he never reaches bottom could truly save his life, and your own physical and emotional well being as well. It's sad and challenging, but you are doing the right thing. Many hugs...I think you could use a few irght now. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter actually did get to the point where she knew that I knew she was using, she did not try to hide or justify it and she did not ask me for anything. She has told me that she knew I would be there when she truly wanted help because I was strong enough to say no to her addiction. Stay strong in your resolve. Your son knows of your love and when he is ready, he will be glad that you are on his side. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
I told my daughter that I would no longer talk to or see her until she chose to seek recovery. She knew just how much I loved her and that technically I've been there for her always. Unfortunately, enough is enough, and when we mom's or codies reach our limit, it's time to take care of ourselves.
Even when her friend called me to tell me that my AD was trying to get back into rehab, would I talk to her, I had to say no. Because to me, actions speak louder than words. She did go into rehab and has 4+ months clean. It was her choice.
Most times, we need to step far away from our addicts to find peace in our lives. Very difficult for us moms to do.
Hugs,
Chris
Even when her friend called me to tell me that my AD was trying to get back into rehab, would I talk to her, I had to say no. Because to me, actions speak louder than words. She did go into rehab and has 4+ months clean. It was her choice.
Most times, we need to step far away from our addicts to find peace in our lives. Very difficult for us moms to do.
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I understand perfectly, although your case is even more difficult than mine. I broke it off with exabf 3 whole months ago, but he is still trying every trick in the book to get me to violate my no contact boundary.
Last night before my home group meeting, while I was trying to talk to a woman in my network, he hung around us drawing closer and closer, repeatedly talking to me again, until I ran out and locked myself in my car for a few minutes to try to get my nerves together.
I had to go back in to make the coffee eventually, so I got out of the car. He was waiting to confront me in front of the door, of course. I lost my temper finally. I screamed, "If you don't leave me the f@*& alone, I will press criminal charges of stalking on you!" It wasn't the way I wanted to act at my home group, not the shining example of serene recovery that I'd like to set, but it did get him to back off.
I guess I kind of rambled here, but the point I'm trying to make is, an addict will try everything to manipulate us. Things he's tried to get to me:
1. Calling several times each day.
2. Texting desperately.
3. Tracking me down at each recovery meeting I attend, because I can't stop him from going there.
4. Coming into my house without knocking trying to pretend the breakup never happened at first (only once, I made it quite clear that couldn't happen again).
5. Leaving phone messages that he:
a. needs help on the computer desperately
b. will relapse without me
c. will kill himself
d. is totally alone
e. is hungry and broke
f. is stranded
g. needs tax help (sound familiar?)
h. needs a man in recovery's number desperately
I could go on and on. My point is that they will try anything, anything to get you to go back on your no-contact. I never did. I never will. It's the only way to have any peace. New locks, new routes of travel, new routines, new phone number, can all help to make you unavailable and more at peace with your decision. I hope your son isn't as disrespectful of my boundaries as my ex is. I really do. And I hope your resolve is strong. Be prepared, because at first they can get worse with the contact in desperation to make you reconsider. At least in my experience.
Love and my prayers for your peace and serenity,
KJ
Last night before my home group meeting, while I was trying to talk to a woman in my network, he hung around us drawing closer and closer, repeatedly talking to me again, until I ran out and locked myself in my car for a few minutes to try to get my nerves together.
I had to go back in to make the coffee eventually, so I got out of the car. He was waiting to confront me in front of the door, of course. I lost my temper finally. I screamed, "If you don't leave me the f@*& alone, I will press criminal charges of stalking on you!" It wasn't the way I wanted to act at my home group, not the shining example of serene recovery that I'd like to set, but it did get him to back off.
I guess I kind of rambled here, but the point I'm trying to make is, an addict will try everything to manipulate us. Things he's tried to get to me:
1. Calling several times each day.
2. Texting desperately.
3. Tracking me down at each recovery meeting I attend, because I can't stop him from going there.
4. Coming into my house without knocking trying to pretend the breakup never happened at first (only once, I made it quite clear that couldn't happen again).
5. Leaving phone messages that he:
a. needs help on the computer desperately
b. will relapse without me
c. will kill himself
d. is totally alone
e. is hungry and broke
f. is stranded
g. needs tax help (sound familiar?)
h. needs a man in recovery's number desperately
I could go on and on. My point is that they will try anything, anything to get you to go back on your no-contact. I never did. I never will. It's the only way to have any peace. New locks, new routes of travel, new routines, new phone number, can all help to make you unavailable and more at peace with your decision. I hope your son isn't as disrespectful of my boundaries as my ex is. I really do. And I hope your resolve is strong. Be prepared, because at first they can get worse with the contact in desperation to make you reconsider. At least in my experience.
Love and my prayers for your peace and serenity,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
TOUGH LOVE... sometimes it forces our children to get the help they need and get sober. I know that's what it took for my son. It wasn't until he wore out every option, with every family member, and had absolutely no place to go, that he finally decided to stop using drugs. I sure hope your 22 year old realizes that your not going to do anything for him while he is using. I have been where you are, and done it all. When I would do no more, he got help for himself, and stuck it out. For me tough love was the answer. I sure hope your son gets well. I know how it feels watching our children self destruct. It's horrible. Many prayers are going out daily for all of the addicts who are struggling to stay clean, and those who are still in active addiction. God Bless
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