lostheart

i am a partner of a recovering addict and alcoholic with a year of sobriety. I am so lost b/c she keeps telling me that i trigger her addiction when i discuss things that upset her. Like getting a full time job, helping with the house work, and the fact that she is not very motivated. She says the only motivation she needs to right now is the ability to stay sober.

winnie12

You're not triggering anything you are just expecting her to act like an adult. Those are just excuses - just like my 16 yo AS who says that he could quit using if I would just leave him alone. If she is taking her recovery seriously she would know that part of recovery is taking responsibility for her own life. But as long as you are the only one working, cleaning, and being motivated then she doesnt really have any reason to do anything else. All she has had to do so far is say it affects her recovery and makes her want to use. You know most of us would rather be doing something else then the dirty dishes but that doesnt mean we dont do them. So what would happen if you didnt clean up after her or didnt pay her bills? We all have to pull our own weight in this world and she is not your child.

lostheart

she is working part time at a recovery facitlity for addicts but has said that it is a joke b/c they can come and go and dont' even checked for drugs when they come back.

she works there on the 5- midnight shift or mid to 8am maybe twice a week and acts as though she can't get out of bed if she doesn't get at least 8- 10hrs sleep. She keeps in touch with all of her old "friends" and ex's. She lives in Arkansas with me now and the "friends" are all in Mo. but even though i bought her a new phone and asked that they not have the number she keeps her go phone so she can stay in touch with them. Someone keeps putting mins on it for her b/c i am not and i have control of the finances.

She lived with her mom for the year of recovery and didn't work to speak of and had no real responsibilities and then moved in with me after graduation. I really thought she was ready for the grown up life...at age 33 you would think so.

She gets really defensive when i ask her to stop talking to those people b/c they are continueing on with the life of drugs and alcohol. she says that they at one point or another have saved her from herself, by injecting her when they seen someone else doing it wrong, or not letting her take to much. I told her to say thank you and move on, she is not forever in their debt. She thinks that i am cold and don't understand.

winnie12

She been in rehab and works in a rehab so she knows the truth about picking the right friends - if they didnt get through to her then you wont.

peaceteach

You can't help her, lostheart. You can help yourself, though, by doing some reading on codependency. Many people who are family/friends/loved ones of addicts find ourselves suffering from this problem, this codependency. We try sooo hard to make this other person see that WE are better for them than others. We spend endless amounts of time trying to control the money, activities, and friendships of these loved ones "for their own good" but really, in the end, we wind up doing damage to ourselves in the process. I found reading a book by Melody Beattie called "Codependent No More" very valuable, very eye-opening. In it were the tendencies of someone who is codependent and I fit most all of them to a T with my now exAH, and with my addicted son.

Please keep reading, try the stickies at the top of this page. Your friend sounds like she is not really working a solid program of recovery. If she were, I doubt that she would be in contact with old, using friends. And as far as being a loved one, she does not sound very loving or supportive of YOU. What are YOU getting out of this relationship? What if this really is who she IS for the rest of life. Is that what you want in a life partner? I know that what I wanted was another adult in the home to share my hopes, dreams and joys with, to work along side me and with me toward common goals, to spend time with in happiness and joy and contentment. I wasn't able to find that with a resentful AH who eventually lost sobriety again and again. I just wasn't enough to keep him sober None of us are. Please start some reading into how their disease affects you, and decide if this is the person you really want to be. Welcome to the forum. I have found it an incredibly valuable resource of truths and information.

lostheart

thank you all i will be back
time to go home where i can not talk b/c she will be thinking that i am talking about her to others that don't need to know our business.

have a great weekend and will be back asap

lostheart

she keeps threatening to leave me b/c i want to go out to a bar dancing with my parents and her friends. they are all over 52 and we leave at midnight. I have a two beer limit b/c i don't like feeling not in control of me. I go for the visiting time and to enjoy dancing with my mom. Most of the time it is us up there dancing just having fun. She says that b/c she is sober i should be sober all the time as well. I should be her sponsor. Is this how it is suppose to work? I do anything and everything to make her life easier even if it means giving up what i love to do that makes me feel good about me?

lostheart

I don't do anything wrong, i have never gone home with anyone other than my parents. My dad doesnt drink he is always the driver and i stay at their house. Why is this so wrong? I am not asking her to go, i don't want her to be uncomfortable, and i am not leaving her home and taking off. I only want to go out when she goes to visit her mom and even then not every time. She only visits her mom maybe once every month and half to two months.

Live

It sounds to me like you are both trying to control each other and neither one of you is getting what you want.
Are you happy with this relationship?

imallright

Live your life and let her grow up. You don't cause anyone to do anything. She chooses.

lostheart

I am not trying to control her. It is so all about her around this house b/c no-one including my son wants to upset her. If there was one thing that i would love to control it would be to have her stop talking with all the old meth and drinking buds. She won't give them up. Their drama is still in our lives.

She has her own checking account b/c i don't want to her to have to ask me if can she have cigs b/c she doesn't know how much is in the account. She works a pt job (13hrs) week and i can't afford to buy her cigs (i don't smoke) this way she can control her money as well as her habit. I pay all of the bills and that too is adding to the strain of this relationship.



I have never told her or asked her not to go visit her family. Please tell me why you feel that i am trying to control her? Maybe this is something i need to take a step back and see.

helpformyson

Is this how you want to live? She is very insecure and controling and you are both in a tug of war relationship. A loving relationship is giving, not taking and she apparently likes to take from everyone. She is not fully committed to getting clean. If she truly wanted to be clean, she would eliminate all her old friends (users) from her life. Remember actions always speak louder than words. Look at what she does, not what she says.

fluer

Hey lostheart,

i thought i might offer another perspective. i understand making other's responsible for themselves, and i have a really low tolerance for people who want to live life out of a "victim mentality". with that being said, i have no way of knowing if this is the case with your girlfriend.
i did want to mention though that she could have some valid reasons for her exhaustion and need for others in her life. you stated in your first post that alot of your complaints had to do with her ability to function/perform. you also mentioned in another post that she went somewhere else to seek healing and treatment, and only returned to you post graduation. it could be that she does not feel you care for well on an emotional level.
also, depending on her personal healing journey it could be perfectly appropriate she is feeling this way. do you know why she became an addict to begin with? perhaps she does not want to take a short cut in her healing process. maybe she is diving deeper into whats wrong, and not focusing on cognitive behavioral solutions (functionality). her working at a rehab facility is also a good sign, even if it is not full time. she could work anywhere (and most likely make a better wage) but she chose to keep herself in that enviroment and to give back.
it is not uncommon for men to not know how to naturally plug into a woman's emotional needs. if you love her, and think this could be the case i would go to therapy with her. or start by just asking her. i know its hard for men to hear if they are failing someone they love in any way, but this is what seperates the men from the boys. and fyi: when a man grows for the women he loves, he receives everything and more he could want in return. woman are emotionally driven, and when a woman feels cared for, loved, understood,and supported she has an abundant amount of energy for life and love.
last thing, i hope you were just venting here where its a safe place for you to do so..but belittling where she is at in this stage of her life(33yrs old) is something i hope you do not actively do to her face. i understand frustration, and you sure have a right to that. i just hope you do value what she has done and how hard it really was for her. many people NEVER take any of the steps that she has. if you do understand and do love her, perhaps you could rethink if your need to still go out is really worth it. after all, like you said, you r not exactly 20 any longer.
and if in your heart of hearts you believe her to be a selfish partner, and most problems in your relationship lye soley in her, then love yourself enough to start making some real change. al-anon is a wonderful place for people who really desire a healthy life.

much love,
fluer

winnie12

fluer - please re-read the post because i think you are completely misunderstanding the situation here. Besides its not up to us to make the addict feel loved and understood - that comes from within and no man or woman is going to be able to give that to someone unless they have it themselves. lostheart's "going out" is just socializing with her own mother not going to raves - so again please reread the post and see if you dont have a different opinion of what she owes to this woman and how her partner is putting her own responsibility of recovery onto another person.

lostheart

thank you winnie12.

I don't belittle her at all, if anything i try to help her find her self esteem and self worth. I am not a man by the way. I got her car fixed with my income tax so she would not be stranded at home with nothing but walls to stare at. I took money out of my account and got her a checking account started so she did not feel that she had to ask me for money for her smokes. She took the job b/c it is the only one she could find that would accept her background check with the history on it. She found this one and is making no other attempts to find anther for more income to help me with the bills. She is making just enough for her smokes and gas. I have her auto ins being deducted from my account so she will be driving around with ins.( which she has not done for herself in over a year) No one cares for this person more than i have and do but i am a person of my own who deserves a little fun time with my mom without being blamed for what she may do b/c it makes her feel uncomfortable.

lostheart

I am not looking for everyone to be on my side, i am looking for the truth here on what i should expect from a recovering from others in the same situation as hers. I know that all are different but i have never used or had a problem with alcohol so i don't understand the hell that she was in but i do understand and remember the hell she put me through for four years prior to her sobriety. So i do admire her for taking the sober road but at the same time where is my thanks for taking both roads with her. The only road i did not take with her was the year that she was using her meth hard. I left before that bend in the road got to me and my children.

My 15yr old asked me why i was trying so hard to make her happy but was not happy myself.

Freedom1990

Your 15 year old is very perceptive.

Until you make healthy changes for yourself, you can expect more of the same.

Someone who is still hanging out with her meth buddies (and I am a recovering meth addict) is not working a healthy program of recovery, my friend, nevermind all the other red flag behaviors she has.

SHAMAN

What I have learned about myself is that it's often not about chasing what I want to feel... to be loved, affirmed, valued, for instance... but rather, running from/avoiding what I don't want to feel... abandoned, insecure, 'not enough'.

I know with my ex this was the case. There was this never spoken threat that if I pushed too hard or exacted to many explanations for secretive, avoidant, or 'odd' behavior, she would simply pick-up and leave... and after all I'd done for her. The cost of my unresolved guilt, pathology, and therapy issues is I became my own victim, I became my own emotional hostage based upon what I did not want to feel. It was easy to hide behind 'right' motives and expectations when my efforts were so 'noble', while it was avoidance that truly was motivating my behavior. I repressed my values, spiritual beliefs, and my SELF, becoming more and more unhealthy, to avoid the pain of past hurts. In the end, not only did I lose the relationship, and someone very prescious to me, but also the trust in my thinking and self-worth, which is of much greater value.

I have learned I am only as healthy in a relationship as I am with myself.
I've also learned I'm either running to or running from and that it's often facing what I'm running from that results in greater, spiritual growth. The greater question, for me, is frequently, "What am I attempting to avoid feeling"? It takes the strength from my fears when I face them.

Just my two cents.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

Impurrfect

I also think your 15-year-old is very perceptive.

I'm a recovering crack addict. A huge part of my recovery has been learning how to deal with life and maintain my recovery. That means having a job, paying bills, doing laundry, etc.

There are only 3 people from my past life that I keep in touch with, and that is only because they are extremely supportive of my recovery. I mail or call them...haven't seen them in over 2 years.

I'm also a codie (codependent). I've been the loving, supportive partner of the addict, way before I became an addict.

For the first time, in my life, I am finally realizing that it's okay to take MY feelings into account, that what I want is just as important as everyone else's feelings; that a relationship is a give-and-take...not a take-and-take.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

lostheart

thanks for the insight on that Anvilhead....

i am not saying that out of her family I am the only one that loves her....they love her and want whats best for her. But care for her in a way that puts a positive spin on her life they don't!!! Noone in her family would help her get her car running so she could get a job (i done that), Noone in her family or the circle of "friends" has lent a helping hand when needed even with small things. It has always been me that has been there in emotional and financially supportive ways.

I am not trying to mold her i am trying to help her see that she is worth the effort of those that love her. She is not a totally miserable person to be around..she has a heart and a great personality, that is why she has so many friends and can't let them go no matter their background with or w/o her good or bad.

She is a great friend and we have fun together in a crowd or alone. We enjoy each other.
She is just not good at sharing me with others away from her. She is a great cook and does most of the cooking. She has started cleaning the house from top to bottom every wed but i have told her that it is not just her job to clean the house so every sunday we are going to do that together. We are working on things and trying to make a go of it.

I don't like the fact that she has contact with those people b/c i know of the past and what those people (most of them) done to help in the destruction of our relationship the first time. I am also aware of the fact that the things she done were of her own choice.
So do i blame them and be angry every time she picks up the phone or do i trust her and focus on my own happiness for the most part, knowing, that she knows, if she oversteps the line and goes back then i am out of this for good. I will not go down that road again.