Please tell me to get over this loser!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Please tell me to get over this loser!
My abf has always maintained that he has been faithful to me (apart from kissing 2 girls) and never lies about anything other than his drug addiction.
I have always said, if he ever sleeps with someone else, that will be the final straw. When he has been clean, he has sworn to my face for the last 3 years that he only kissed these 2 girls and that they never went out the city to his house.
I always follow my gut instinct and I had some gut instincts about these 2 girls but chose to believe him. Then recently he spoke about these 2 girls and admitted he slept with them!
I moved out of our home in January. Time apart from him has allowed me to do lots of thinking. My gut instincts about other incidents have come to light. These are:
Him & addict associate called escorts out to his house- he says the escorts never arrived.
Sleeps with these 2 girls and has them out to house- admits this after 3 years but only because he got his lies mixed up
Him and an addict associate call up 2 escort girls in town – again he says they never arrived!
On a 10day crack binge, he was hanging out with an addict mother & daughter prostitutes. He says it was ‘the drug connection’
I found out he had set up a profile on a dating agency- he said it was to see if the girls were really that good looking as the adverts made out??
YES as I am typing this….’I AM A MUG’ comes to mind!
He has had 5trips to Amsterdam in last couple years to buy weed….but what else has he got up to?
Last year at a lapdancers he paid £100 for a half hour dance….and what else??
If you knew this about your addict, what would you think? It does not paint a pretty picture and this is only the stuff I know about….goodness knows what else has happened.
Why am I bothering to even guess what else has he got up to? Because I believed him when he promised to my face when he was clean.
The time when he slept with these 2girls was when we were on a break....It is not the fact with what he has done with these girls, its the FACT he has LIED to me for the last 3 years about it.
I HATE LIES!
And I still love him! WHY??? Please can someone tell me to get a grip, I seem to be living in some sort of denial that he has cheated fair and square on me.
I have always said, if he ever sleeps with someone else, that will be the final straw. When he has been clean, he has sworn to my face for the last 3 years that he only kissed these 2 girls and that they never went out the city to his house.
I always follow my gut instinct and I had some gut instincts about these 2 girls but chose to believe him. Then recently he spoke about these 2 girls and admitted he slept with them!
I moved out of our home in January. Time apart from him has allowed me to do lots of thinking. My gut instincts about other incidents have come to light. These are:
Him & addict associate called escorts out to his house- he says the escorts never arrived.
Sleeps with these 2 girls and has them out to house- admits this after 3 years but only because he got his lies mixed up
Him and an addict associate call up 2 escort girls in town – again he says they never arrived!
On a 10day crack binge, he was hanging out with an addict mother & daughter prostitutes. He says it was ‘the drug connection’
I found out he had set up a profile on a dating agency- he said it was to see if the girls were really that good looking as the adverts made out??
YES as I am typing this….’I AM A MUG’ comes to mind!
He has had 5trips to Amsterdam in last couple years to buy weed….but what else has he got up to?
Last year at a lapdancers he paid £100 for a half hour dance….and what else??
If you knew this about your addict, what would you think? It does not paint a pretty picture and this is only the stuff I know about….goodness knows what else has happened.
Why am I bothering to even guess what else has he got up to? Because I believed him when he promised to my face when he was clean.
The time when he slept with these 2girls was when we were on a break....It is not the fact with what he has done with these girls, its the FACT he has LIED to me for the last 3 years about it.
I HATE LIES!And I still love him! WHY??? Please can someone tell me to get a grip, I seem to be living in some sort of denial that he has cheated fair and square on me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
You might still love him or who you think he might have been... but you need to keep the rose colored glasses off and think of you. IMO, there is nothing positive about this relationship, so why do it?
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((Sophia)))))
I am so sorry that you are involved with someone who presents this reality. I could tell you until I am blue that you ought not be with this guy anymore. I know how it feels to have everyone telling me I need to get rid of him.
Each day is precious don't ever waste one of your days doing something you will regret.
Love yourself and the choices you make will be based on that. Take good care of yourself!
I am so sorry that you are involved with someone who presents this reality. I could tell you until I am blue that you ought not be with this guy anymore. I know how it feels to have everyone telling me I need to get rid of him.
Each day is precious don't ever waste one of your days doing something you will regret.
Love yourself and the choices you make will be based on that. Take good care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My bar of standards certainly wasn't very high to begin with when I first got involved with my EXAH. At some point I had to be willing to accept his addictions/alcoholism, so that knocked the bar down a few notches. Then came the infidelity, and then the domestic violence, and well, when all was said and done, no one could limbo under the bar of standards I settled for. 
Now that I look back on my past life, and I read so many of the posts here, it is sad to think that we 'settle' for an active addict/alcoholic, but there are other 'deal breakers'.
Why is it acceptable to settle for active addiction/alcoholism?
I know, for me, that's a deal-breaker at the starting line. No thanks.
Now that I look back on my past life, and I read so many of the posts here, it is sad to think that we 'settle' for an active addict/alcoholic, but there are other 'deal breakers'.
Why is it acceptable to settle for active addiction/alcoholism?
I know, for me, that's a deal-breaker at the starting line. No thanks.
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
"My abf has always maintained that he has been faithful to me (apart from kissing 2 girls) and never lies about anything other than his drug addiction."
You totally make it sound like it's 100% peachy keen when he lies about this - has it ever occurred to you that him lying about one area of his life could easily transfer into him lying about another area?
"I have always said, if he ever sleeps with someone else, that will be the final straw." AND THEN "Sleeps with these 2 girls and has them out to house- admits this after 3 years but only because he got his lies mixed up"
Sounds like you have a nice final straw "leave him now" excuse right there. If it were me, and I'm the first to love trouble but then get stuck getting my heart broken, I would run for the hills. This guy is a major loser - you really want to be asking for advice about the same lying creep 6 months/a year or two down the line?
You totally make it sound like it's 100% peachy keen when he lies about this - has it ever occurred to you that him lying about one area of his life could easily transfer into him lying about another area?
"I have always said, if he ever sleeps with someone else, that will be the final straw." AND THEN "Sleeps with these 2 girls and has them out to house- admits this after 3 years but only because he got his lies mixed up"
Sounds like you have a nice final straw "leave him now" excuse right there. If it were me, and I'm the first to love trouble but then get stuck getting my heart broken, I would run for the hills. This guy is a major loser - you really want to be asking for advice about the same lying creep 6 months/a year or two down the line?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
Not to much going for him is there? A liar and a cheater. Try not to take it personally, I haven't met one yet that hasn't done the same. No such thing as morals, integrity, and honesty with an addict. There is nothing to base a relationship on here, and you are wasting love that could and should go back to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
hmmm....I wouldn't even blame the whole thing on drugs if that helps you. I was in active addiction for a year, and I never did that kind of stuff in my relationship. Some people use that excuse for everything. Sounds to me like he's a creep as well as an addict. Just my opinion.
KJ
KJ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Well, I will tell you GET OVER THIS LOSER!
Your worth more then this! Read your post like someone else wrote it, now what would you tell them. Honey move on, he will not change and even if he did, do you really want this in your life?
Your worth more then this! Read your post like someone else wrote it, now what would you tell them. Honey move on, he will not change and even if he did, do you really want this in your life?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
sophia1980 - my dear girl... as previously stated... you didn't cause it and you can't cure it, consider taking one of the c's and make it COURAGE. Listen to yourself... he never lied about anything other than drugs... are you serious? Most liars only fess when caught... do you want to spend the rest of your life playing Sherlock Holmes? Wouldn't you rather be who God intended you to be... happy and full of life.... there is so much in the world that IS beautiful and worth your investigating.... wasting your time as Sherlock is a loss for the planet. Be who you were born to be.... love yourself enough to take care of you.... abf.... apparently is not. Much love to you. :praying
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by sophia1980 
My abf has always maintained that he has been faithful to me (apart from kissing 2 girls) and never lies about anything other than his drug addiction.
And I still love him! WHY??? Please can someone tell me to get a grip, I seem to be living in some sort of denial that he has cheated fair and square on me.
And I still love him! WHY??? Please can someone tell me to get a grip, I seem to be living in some sort of denial that he has cheated fair and square on me.
I didn't even need to quote the rest of what you wrote, because the first part of your post was enough to turn my stomach (thinking 'what would i do', is how i reply to the posts....)
If I EVER thought for a moment, that my abf EVER even kissed a girl other than me, I'd be done.
There is more to cheatin than just sex. I even consider 'emotional' relationships cheating.
I feel we have enough on our plates dealing with addiction..... i'd be damned if I were going to deal with unfaithful acts on top of it.
Move on girl.... I'm giving you a kind little nudge from way over here.
Please respect yourself, and love yourself, thats your only way out of this!
Love,
cess
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Sophia, From one woman to another, I understand that you can still emotionally or physically be attached to someone that has done you wrong. Just like you, when I was younger, I dated and went out with a couple of lying losers. Who I loved, and thought I loved. However, once I knew that they were lying, and cheating. I found a way out of the toxic relationship, and found an honest, hard working, and respectable man. I have been married to this man for many years now, and I can honestly say, I have never caught him in a lie yet. I married the right one. Remember this, Once a liar always a liar. You need to get away from this guy. When your young and dating its supposed to be the best times in your life. If he's treating you this way now, GOD only knows what your life will be like down the road. If you were to stay with this guy, your in for a rough road. Trust me. You can do better, Believe in yourself, and move on. Don't settle for a guy who lies and cheats. Not to mention the crack and drugs and weed. He needs help honey, and you need a good man. The woman sets the pace. A man will treat you, the way you allow him to treat you. Demand respect. You deserve it. Good Luck
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Hi, thank you all for your replies.
You totally make it sound like it's 100% peachy keen when he lies about this - has it ever occurred to you that him lying about one area of his life could easily transfer into him lying about another area?
Bubblegum! Of course I know my abf can lie about anything if he lies about his drug addiction! I always tell him this and that is why he then promises over & over he hasn’t done these things blah blah.
Abf has been tested 5 times since we met for blood viruses & std’s. Me too. All clear.
We were on a ‘break’ when he was with those 2 girls. I tried to date a couple of guys at the same time. My main issue is with the LIES! not with what actually happened. Kissing/sex are both cheating. It’s his lying over & over for last 3 years. That has broken all the trust….I'm trying to move on.
You totally make it sound like it's 100% peachy keen when he lies about this - has it ever occurred to you that him lying about one area of his life could easily transfer into him lying about another area?
Bubblegum! Of course I know my abf can lie about anything if he lies about his drug addiction! I always tell him this and that is why he then promises over & over he hasn’t done these things blah blah.
Abf has been tested 5 times since we met for blood viruses & std’s. Me too. All clear.
We were on a ‘break’ when he was with those 2 girls. I tried to date a couple of guys at the same time. My main issue is with the LIES! not with what actually happened. Kissing/sex are both cheating. It’s his lying over & over for last 3 years. That has broken all the trust….I'm trying to move on.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
I do not mean to rock the happy boat here, we all have enough to deal with our addicts, but I would like to show you my LIVING REALITY….& make the point that YOU MAY NEVER REALLY KNOW A PERSON.
I used to work as an escort girl. It was a temporary job to pull money quickly together after I had the chance to go to grad school.
In my job I saw many men. I saw 1 crack addict, a few alcoholics, a few guys with heavy social cocaine use and over 90% of men I saw were NORMAL, MARRIED FAMILY LOVING GUYS!
I would get called to see them when they were in our city on business trips. I would go to their homes when they were babysitting their kids. Sometimes the kids would answer the door! I would leave straight away as I think this is totally wrong. I would see them the week after, walking around the shopping centre with their wives and pushing their kids in a pushchair.
The amount of married men that used to ring up and request sexual acts with no protection was unreal. They would hang up on me when I point blank refused….& the freaky acts they used to request! Gross! Obviously there is was NO way their wives would participate.
This job gave me such a negative image of men and only reinforced my views from a father who is a total womaniser.
U may think, why on earth would I expect an addict to be faithful if most normal men aren’t? & I am still in denial & trying to get over him because when I met abf, I honestly thought he was DIFFERENT (how wrong was I?!) He was the first person I put nearly all MY trust into that he would not cheat or hurt me in that way.
You may think I deserved it after my ‘job’ but I really did believe in him.
I wanted to bring up a point that even though you think you totally know someone, you might not! There was a recent post from a lady whose AH died & she found the notebook with all the people he has slept with. She never suspected anything.
Maybe no one will want to speak to me again after this post, but I am trying to POINT OUT REALITY! Maybe there are a few devoted men out there somewhere….they don’t seem to be in the UK!
There are thousands of adverts for escorts on internet. They obviously get a decent income….makes you think eh? Just my thoughts & experience…
I used to work as an escort girl. It was a temporary job to pull money quickly together after I had the chance to go to grad school.
In my job I saw many men. I saw 1 crack addict, a few alcoholics, a few guys with heavy social cocaine use and over 90% of men I saw were NORMAL, MARRIED FAMILY LOVING GUYS!
I would get called to see them when they were in our city on business trips. I would go to their homes when they were babysitting their kids. Sometimes the kids would answer the door! I would leave straight away as I think this is totally wrong. I would see them the week after, walking around the shopping centre with their wives and pushing their kids in a pushchair.
The amount of married men that used to ring up and request sexual acts with no protection was unreal. They would hang up on me when I point blank refused….& the freaky acts they used to request! Gross! Obviously there is was NO way their wives would participate.
This job gave me such a negative image of men and only reinforced my views from a father who is a total womaniser.
U may think, why on earth would I expect an addict to be faithful if most normal men aren’t? & I am still in denial & trying to get over him because when I met abf, I honestly thought he was DIFFERENT (how wrong was I?!) He was the first person I put nearly all MY trust into that he would not cheat or hurt me in that way.
You may think I deserved it after my ‘job’ but I really did believe in him.
I wanted to bring up a point that even though you think you totally know someone, you might not! There was a recent post from a lady whose AH died & she found the notebook with all the people he has slept with. She never suspected anything.
Maybe no one will want to speak to me again after this post, but I am trying to POINT OUT REALITY! Maybe there are a few devoted men out there somewhere….they don’t seem to be in the UK!
There are thousands of adverts for escorts on internet. They obviously get a decent income….makes you think eh? Just my thoughts & experience…
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by sophia1980
Maybe no one will want to speak to me again after this post, but I am trying to POINT OUT REALITY!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Who cares what you did? Many of us on here (including my sponsor) were street walkers. I don't care. I suspect that in fact you are the one who feels you deserve the treatment abf is giving you.
I am here to tell you that you do not. You deserve every good thing you can earn for yourself in recovery from codependency. Get to an alanon or naranon meeting. Read Melodie Beatty's books. And know that you deserve better.
Love,
KJ
I am here to tell you that you do not. You deserve every good thing you can earn for yourself in recovery from codependency. Get to an alanon or naranon meeting. Read Melodie Beatty's books. And know that you deserve better.
Love,
KJ
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
You are afraid that if you completely break free of him, you may miss him and want him back. You doubt yourself that he really did anything at all because you have no actual visual proof. THey are excellent at doing things and denying them so that we feel like we are just paranoid. If he admitted to kissing, then sex, forget it. Now that he told you this and you are still there he knows he can take advantage of you and you will stick around. Every day that you allow that boundary to be mashed, you are losing your self esteem. You can find great people out there who have been in your shoes and would never want to take someone for granted. They themselves would never cheat, lie etc. THere are good people out there...hang in there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
