Funeral
 

Okay SR I need some advice........

I thought about planning an intervention for my AH as a last ditch effort, but I am undecided. I thought what would be better for him was to get some burial info and have him to pick out his casket, where he wants to be buried at, what I should wear, and what his daughters and one son should wear, and maybe what he would like to tell them after he isa gone... I NEED TO KNOW FRIENDS>>>>>>>>>>>Would I be going over board or is it worth a try?

Dramatics don't work.

The only person you have control over is you.

Aren't you tired of being unhappy yet?

please dont do this - your trying to bring up some emotion in him and its not going to get through. we've all tried these tactics before - leaving literature lying around, watching tv shows on drugs, nothing like this works. your trying to control him with guilt which is a negative tool that ends up hurting us more. boundaries and focusing on yourself are going to work better. unless he's lived in a cave all of his life he already he knows he could die from using drugs.

Here you go, Unhappy. Planning a funeral isn't on this list:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I know but after talking to an interventionist he suggested talking about death in the event that it were to occur. I know I can only control me but, my AH does still have some emotions. He cries and talks about doing the right thing(BLAH BLAH) but, he says that he want to get back to where he use to be he just doesn't know how. :(

Thanks Freedom I will look at the list!

You may want to talk to the interventionist again and find out exactly what he is talking about - if he is going along with these types of dramatics i would question his skills a bit.
But hey i'm not a professional so maybe i'm wrong.

What i do know is that when i talk about death with my AS his response is always "well i dont want to live to be old anyway." That only serves to hurt me.

I think if i showed him caskets he'd just get PO'd, stop listening and most likely leave. Which again just hurts me.

People on drugs wont have the same reactions to things like a funeral that a healthy happy person is going to have. By the time you finish getting brochures on caskets and thinking about his death you are going to be even more upset. Instead of this do something healthy for yourself. If you want to do an intervention then do it but i would stick to boundaries. You dont have to do everything an interventionist suggests.

Even IF he were to get clean/sober, it isn't going to be happily ever after.

Go look in the mirror.

There's where the work needs to be done, Unhappy.

You have been profoundly affected by his addictions.

That is not going to magically go away.

You are just as resistant to any recovery for yourself as he is to admitting he has a problem.

You keep bringing the focus back to him.

Your blood pressure is way up.

You're looking at a last-ditch effort for HIM.

When are you going to get out of the driver's seat?

I know I sound like a broken record and for that I am sorry. I know I need to stop focusing on him completely and focus on healthy boundaries for me. I have just always been one to try and fix things. I have to come to the realization that I can't fix this one. Sometimes I think he knows that I was always the one to fix things..Bills, arguements, family issues, the kids, our parents and ultimately it hurts when I get text messages from him saying I need help how can we fix this.... Please help me. It breaks my heart because I don't know what to say or do. I don't know if your love ones have ever cried out like this but, I get these texts almost 3-5 a week and it just kills my spirits to know he's asking but not acting. See, My AH never had to be responsible for making decisions... He has even had a hard time deciding what to wear by himself. he part that makes me angry is that he can make decisions on his own....The really bad one to do drugs...Now he has to decide when and where to get help.....I just have to let him do it..Sorry for rambling..I'm such a co-dependent and yes I have read the book:(

He's NOT going to get help until you GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God did not die and leave you in charge.

Maybe you should get on your knees tonight, tell God you're really really tired, that YOU need help, and then let God help you.

:ghug :ghug

(((Unhappy)))
For the longest time I believed my kids could not pick out a sock without me helping. I controlled the home, the finances, the school work, etc.
Even my (now) ex simply had to make it to work and make plans with his Harley buddies, I took care of the rest.

By the time I came up for air I was exhausted, so I split from the ex.
Now I could have even MORE control of the home :)

But the truth is they all could make decisions.
They didn't need me as much as I let myself beleive.

Rather, "I" needed them to need me.

He will never take responsibility, if you don't give him the chance.

LOL I know this isn't funny but, Anvil you put a smile on my face about the texting. Its very rare that I smile. Change and consistency I need to figure what that looks like for ME. ((Sigh)))


This morning my father told my mom that he really misses me.... Meaning my personality. I was the life of the party always cracking jokes... I actually use to do stand up comedy for a while. Now I just pray every morning for the strength to get up.....

That hurts my heart because that used to be me. :(

You don't have to live that way, hon.

I don't know, I tried everything myself, manipulating, shaming, pleading, yelling, ignoring, setting boundaries, leaving, coming back. And I'm sure I left some things out there, we codies can be so inventive.

Nothing worked, but when I left, I started feeling better.

I all it took was arranging a funeral and picking out the casket, for an addict to see the light, oh my stars, I woud have wall to wall caskets, in my house.

((Unhappy))

I don't know about your AH, but I put a lot of time and energy into getting my drugs...thinking about them, planning on who, when, where I was going to get them from and use them, etc.

Every single time you do something for him, you are simply giving him MORE time to focus on his drugs. You may not be handing him money and saying "here, sweetie, go get some more drugs", but you're certainly giving him more time to figure out how to GET some more. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's what we addicts do when we're active and we have time on our hands.

Sure, he sounds miserable and is asking for your help..most likely it's when he's out of dope? That's when I was the most miserable and ready to quit...right up until the time I got some more dope. Honey, he's talking the talk but he's most definitely not walking the walk.

I was posting to another addict friend today, that I really think what got me into recovery was I got really tired of all the consequences piling up on me. What consequences has your AH had? It looks to me, like YOU are the one dealing with all the consequences, but you can stop doing that, ya know?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Oh man, 777... they have all said it and IMO it's all true. We can't control the world. Hard as we try. Addicts know just what to say to make us jump. I know, I did it for years.

When I finally let go and stopped trying to fix everything... it was extremely frightening. I thought I was going thru some sort of mid-life crisis... you know, no responsibilities, just think of me... it was very, very weird. I have slowed come to realize, with the help of many of these fine people, that it's not a mid-life crisis... it's life.

It's about doing what is right. Doing what is right for ourselves. Being caring, loving people, but not at the expense of ourselves. My Dad and Mom said the same things... "we miss you. you have lost yourself. what happened to the woman we knew and loved. what happened to your confidence, shine and smile." Killed me.

Remember who YOU are and find you. He will find his way if he chooses... or not. No matter what you do, it isn't going to matter. He needs to make it happen. Stay out of the drama... it is just to upsetting for you and frankly, he won't give a rat's **s.

All the best.