Aryana

So I know that he isn't going to do what he said (once again). I told him last night not to call that he made his decision and I unplugged the phones...

Now it's the next morning and I [B]SO BADLY[B] want to pick up the phone to call and see if he is okay. I know I shouldn't do that so I'm here instead...Why is this so hard...He's hurt me so bad and lied to me so much that I should just be able to leave it at that and get on with my life but all I can think about is if he is okay.....


What do I do????

zxcirce

sit still, relax, don't do a thing.

remember you are not doing this only for yourself, you are doing it for him. taking the shortcut to gratification will only extend the cycle, and hurt you both. you are trying to stop it for BOTH of you.

cece1960

Is there something you can distract yourself with?

Try not to think of it as never-ever-ever talking again, but just that right now its best for you to not communicate.

If you're like me, I usually wanted to pick up the phone to see if my comments had any impact on my son's thinking, much more than truly worrying about his well-being. Needless to say I was often disappointed.
(((Hugs)))

winnie12

Its hard because you are a human being with emotions not a cold robot that just executes the right thing. just because they are an addict doesnt mean we dont care and worry about them. Sometimes when my emotions get the best of me i get realistic. What is the best thing i can do for my AS. The answer is the best thing i can do is detach from him and let him feel the isolation that addiction creates - let him hit bottom on his own. So if you want to talk to him because you love him then love him enough and yourself enough not to talk to him. If you give in now you will take 10 steps back - look forward at the final goal which is peace in your life. These feelings do subside but they take time.

BohemiMamaof3

Exactly! It's like when you set limits with a child who throws a tantrum. If you let them throw a hissy fit for 10 minutes and then give in to whatever it is they want, you are teaching them that all they have to do is throw a fit for ten minutes and then they get their way. Then it is harder the next time you want to adjust the behaviour. OR like when we are dieting, you have to resist the temptations and the urges for the greater good of the outcome. Up until now, your calling has not changed the outcome, but maybe if you finally, really change how you do things it will change everything for the better.

Serenity Bound

I'm wondering if you attend AA/NA meetings..............3 1/2 yrs recovery on your part is wonderful......so if you do, how about hitting a meeting today or calling one of your program friends, sponsor. Try to do something nice for yourself, because deep down you know that calling him will NOT change him.

winnie12

By George I think you've got it!!!

Aryana

I haven't attended a meeting for N/A since I moved here...I know that would be for the best though so I think I'll look into that

Thanks

Freedom1990

AA/NA is a must for you gal. Once you get back into the swing of things there, then check into Alanon in your area.

My untreated codependency was a huge factor in my relapse after 4 years.

Those 12 steps will work for you just as well for codependency, and face to face meetings with others who love alkies/addicts will give you that extra support.

The addict is like another drug of choice for us, hon.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

Aryana

OMG I never thought it would ever come to this but I went to the store today to get a couple things and my bank card wasn't in my wallet. I go to the store about once a week so I really didn't notice it before today. Well I went home and checked my account and there was money missing not alot but it's not the point...I never thought he would ever steal from me. I guess that's what I get for thinking...All I could do was come home and cry... I don't know how to feel anymore after that I just kinda went numb and now I just kinda walk around aimlessly.

I looked for a meeting in this drug infested town and there isn't any only one on Fridays and that one was developed for the people that are court ordered to go...

Impurrfect

(((Aryana))) - did you close your account, or move the money out of it so he can't take all the money out? Don't believe he won't..you didn't think he'd take your bank card, either. You could report the card as stolen and he will face charges.

It's hard to believe there aren't more meetings in town..that's really sad. What about any towns that are close by? Sorry, but I don't know your area...we have so many towns in a close vicinity, I can travel 20 miles and go through 4 or 5 towns.

I know your heart hurts, but I hope you see he is he!!-bent on doing what he wants to do...it's time you take care of you, and let him face the consequences of his using.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rozied

It will get easier with time. As Devon said you are as addicted to him as he is to drugs. Space is the best answer for these feelings. Put some space btw you & him. When you are emeshed in the relationship it is almost impossible to see him and things clearly...................you have started putting some space btw you. keep it up.
Kahil Gibran in the Prophet says trees do not grow in each others shadow.
If you don't let him feel the consequences of his actions nothing will ever change

sophia1980

You are doing great, do not pick up the phone!

As the other above have said-getting in contact with him is like taking 10steps back.
EXAMPLE:
I moved out from our home in January after my abf realpsed in Nov'08 on crack and heroin.
I fought every day to not pick up the phone or to visit him. BUT I did end up going back home nearly every w/e, just for the day/or a night.
And EVERY time I went home, he ended up running off to score. And then at the start of every week he attempted to detox alone at home......it has gone round and round like this up until now. His relapse has now been 5months!

NOW I am soo fed up of it all and anger has set in (but also because last w/e I found out some big lies he had been telling)! I am NOW not contacting him at all, no texts nothing. I am not fighting that urge, keeping myself busy. I am trying to get his number blocked from my mobile.
AND Guess What? A friend informed me that hes been on phone getting help and started a subutex detox.

Moral of my wee story: Me hanging around has hindered his recovery. Although I had 'moved out' I was 'still around' in his eyes!

Staying out of his way will let him fall on his bottom quicker...

sophia1980

Congrats on your recovery!

Serenity Bound

Did some research for you:

Meeting list updated as of 3/11/09 Sierra Vista

Monday 6:30 St Pauls' Missionary Baptist Church

Wed 8:00 Oscar Yrun Community Center

Thurs 5:30 St Paul's MBC

Sat 7:30 St Paul's MBC

Hope this helps.
Hugs,
Chris

winnie12

You know these things that happen sometimes help us. Yesterday you were wanting to talk to him and worried about him. Then you find out he's stealing from you. Its almost a gift of reality. Another reminder of what life is like with him and what its going to become. At least it was only a little bit of money this time - just look at that money he stole as a theraputic purchase. Dont you feel a little less worried about "him" now?

Aryana

I believe this is all so true!!!

He showed up today and like an idiot I went out and talked to him...I don't know what I was thinking. Momentary lapse in judgment...Well he said some really nasty things that hurt really bad but I know it's just the dope talking. At least I hope...Who knows...anyways I finally got tired of it and I told him to leave. Go figure he wouldn't. I had to get my dad to get him to leave. Now he won't quit calling. I don't think I even want to talk to him anymore...All he does anymore is put me down and accuse me of cheating on him and said that I'm getting high to that my sister told him so...I know that is a lie but what can I do. I think he's starting to believe his own stories.

I'm not hurt anymore okay well maybe I am but I'm more REALLY mad now.

There's a thin line between love and hate and if he doesn't quit I might just cross that line :codiepolice