dslalonde

hey everyone,
I think my world will crash soon. Have a 19 year old addict. haven't seen him in a couple of days, called last night and told me had 2 flat tires. Hit a curb the night before. Just waking up @ 5pm. Come fix it. We told him no.
Was to begin a new job this morning, never called and never showed. He is spirally down and we are losing him. Intervention has been done 2 times since January. Acute care during the holidays. Started using the day he came home. Can't take much more of this guys.

Chino

I learned that when I think my world is about to crash, it already has. When I thought I was close to losing my daughter to the drugs, it already happened. In both instances I was just refusing to see and acknowledge the truth, prolonging the agony.

I also learned I have the inner strength and courage to recover. I just had to want that, much like the addict.

Do you go to any 12 step meetings or counseling?

Troubledone

One of the most radical ideas (at least to me) in recovery from codependence is that we can choose to let go. We have the power to make that decision.

I call it radical because when my addict was using, dealing, getting convicted (she has two felonies and is working on a third), having her life threatened, etc., it just seemed so out of reach. I had "held on" so long, I didn't know how to let go. And I was so scared for her that I was frantic to do ANYTHING to avoid the horrible outcomes I could see looming. And many of those came true anyway, despite my trying to control her.

At some point, I came to the realization of just how incredibly powerless I was over my addict's addiction and my own codependence. Of course, this was only after I exhausted myself...

My hope for you is that you embrace your exhaustion and helplessness and seek comfort with us here and those in your world who can support your letting go.

I have discovered that the more I let go, the more my HP and my addicts HP steps in. Sometimes the outcome seems scary (like prison), but when I get a little distance from it, I realized that there was a plan and it works for my addict to the degree SHE is open to it. I am now looking for my HP's plan for my life,so I can be open to it.

I still love my addict (niece who lived with my husband and I), and visit her in jail, and I still recognize her "stinkin thinkin" and the ways she has to grow. I just now have my own life that I live and the peace of knowing there is nothing I can do but love her and live my own life. (Of course, it took years to get to this place).

Prayers that you find your own way to let go and find peace for yourself.

God Bless

MyJoey

Welcome,

I am sorry your in so much pain. I know it is hard and I am just a newbie myself. You will find so much support here. Letting go is the hardest thing in the world, I still have a lot of growing to do in that area. My son is only 17 so I have a little time yet. One thing I have learned after hearing it so many times is your son has to want the help, he has to hit bottom......so hard for us to watch, but that is what it takes. (((hugs)))

Freedom1990

It took a lot of pain, a lot of refusal to truly turn things over to God (and trust that God had a plan for my oldest AD), and finally admit I was sick of living that way, for me to make positive changes in my life for me.

I sleep well at night now knowing I got out of God's way and am letting him do his work with AD.

What may appear to be the 'worst' thing to me could just be that blessing in disguise.

What finally brought me to my knees in my own addictions was 5 long years with the whiskey-swilling, meth-slamming, psychotic violent EXAH who beat me on a daily basis unless he was gone on one of his drug runs.

Who am I to stand in the way of God's plan for my AD?

I'd recommend Alanon or Naranon for face-to-face support from others who understand. It will save your sanity.

:ghug :ghug

dslalonde

thanks you guys. still haven't heard from him. I'm really scared

Serenity Bound

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. When I finally realized that I couldn't go on (actually my H knew I was heading for a nervous breakdown) that's when I found Al-anon & Nar-anon...then later SR! These 3 things saved MY life.

Sending prayers for you & your son.
Hugs,
Chris

BBD

Boy I used to hate that scared feeling. I can't tell you how many times I lived through that and things ended up OK. Not wonderfully~~but OK. My prayers are with you today and with your son. Hopefully you'll hear something soon and if not~~~~~your HP is watching out for both of you. Smiles, Bonnie

dslalonde

you guys just don't understand, my intuiting tells me it will not be ok. Something has happened. i feel it to my core.

winnie12

its impossible sometimes to tell the difference beteween intuition and imagination. Twice i felt this exact same way - sat up all night the first time and finally found him sleeping in the yard in the cold, his feet cut up and sick - he was messed up but alive. The second time it was three days before i found him and he was perfectly fine. I prepared myself for the knock at the door and I was mentally preparing myself for the worst - I made it all worse on myself. Both times I was wrong and found him safe. Nothing has happened until you are told its happened.

Impurrfect

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm a recovering addict. My dad wouldn't hear from me for months. He said that every time he saw where they had found an "unidentified female body" on the news, he just KNEW it was me. He never knew if I was dead or alive.

When I was actively using, I was too busy getting high, and too ashamed to call my family. I would THINK about it, but next thing I knew, it was a week later, and I still hadn't called. Weeks turned into months. It was nothing personal..I LOVE my family. It was just the pull of the drugs.

I hope you continue to read and post here. There are some amazing people here. I'm a codie (codependent), too, and they have helped me tremendously, with my codie-ness, and my addiction recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

dslalonde

At this point he doesn't feel ashamed of anything. especially telling me he took out 2 tires on my car this weekend. He thought it was funny. When i asked him if he thought we could have them repaired on a Sunday evening after 5, he told me to chill out
still do not know where my car is or where he is. he was to begin a new job this morning, no show, no call.
Intuition is a strong character in my family. I actually get physically sick before one of my boys actually get hurt. I physically feel their pain. Whether you believe it or not, it happens. It is my curse. I have been pretty right on with all of this spirally down, now i do not know how i will cope.
yes imperfect, i will continue to read and post here. Right now you guys are my lifeline
Cannot discuss this with family. no use for all of us to worry. When the time comes they will know, but i do not want any of the family to remember him this way. I want them to remember the sweet, kind, easy going young man he was. The gifted athelete, the brother, the nephew, the cousin, they all knew and loved. Not what he has become

Freedom1990

No one said they didn't believe you.

We're giving you suggestions on how to cope.

:ghug :ghug

OhBrother

You might find it a relief to tell the rest of your family what's going on. Its a lot of work taking all the worry and stress on yourself.
Also, by telling them you'll have a much bigger support network AND he won't be able prey on them for money, a place to stay, etc if you end up having to kick him out for a while.
With my sister it turned out everyone knew some of what was going on, but no one said anything so no one had the full picture. Everyone assumed they were the only ones that knew anything.

Angelic17

Ok so I am wondering why your addict son is using your car? You need to get a grip on yourself, and put your fear in check. I have been where you are and it's so painful. You have to LET GO, because whether you do, or whether you don't it's not goint to change the outcome, and your killing yourself. You might think your son is killing you, but he's not. Your fear is a sin. And it HELPS NOTHING. You need to love your son, hate his addition, and stop thinking the worst. One thing I know for sure is that all of our thoughts take form at some point. What your fearing, you will most likely get. Let go of fear. It took me 2 years, but I finally did, and amazingly, my son went into recovery. I never thought I would not help my son, but when it comes to addiction, the more you do for them, the less they will do to get better. Unfortunately it will take a hard lesson for your son to want to stop abusing drugs. You might need to put him out, take your car back, and let him suffer for his own actions. Otherwise, your not really helping him, your enabling him to continue on his path of destruction and disease. God Bless You, from one mother to another, I know the love you have for your son. Your a good mom, and his addiction has nothing to do with you, or the way you raised him. It's about him, and what he wants to do with his life. You will eventually get to the point where enough is enough. I didn't think I would ever get to that point, and now I'm there. I love my son, but his life is his own, its not mine. He was only lent to me for a short time. You need to change your way of thinking. Sorry, to tell you this, because you just don't think it's the right thing to do, but TOUGH LOVE is the answer. Good Luck, we are all here for you. Many other mothers suffer, what your going through, and sometimes worse. Hang on, there is hope. You need to take care of yourself and your husband.

Impurrfect

I agree with oh brother. Everyone in my family knew of my addiction. I went to my uncle's funeral when I had 8 months clean. No one cared that I had been on the streets, smoking crack. They didn't hold it against me. They said they prayed for me, every day, when I was "out there" and they were just glad I was "back".

If it is YOUR car he's driving around, I hope you realize that if he does anything illegal in it, you will be held liable. It is also very common for us A's (addicts) to "rent" a car out for drugs to the dealers.

I didn't get in recovery until my family let me hit bottom. They never stopped loving me, but they let me face the consequences.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Troubledone

dslalonde

I once had the same feeling - and found out that my fears were true - that My addicted niece had an attempt made on her life (men had been hired to kill her - she was dealing drugs but not making good on her payments). I also found out that she was spared by a weird coincidence (neighbors reported "suspicious" acitivity and the perpetrators were apprehended).

My niece graduated *** laude with a double major, was a body builder, bi-lingual an athlete, worked as a personal care assistant and was loved by all her clients - until meth.

I desperately wanted that back - I wanted that back for myself - she wanted drugs. Now she is in jail with 2 BIG felony counts and another pending. My worst fears all came true.

Now, she is in jail and actually doing better than ever - staying sober and having to look at her actions.

However, all that said - the fact remains. We have no control over their choices or the consequences of those choices - we have our own choices. Sometimes I chose to pray, cry my self sick, pace, rage, write, pound on pillows, lose sleep and everything else. Sometimes I chose to let go. I let go more and more.

Early in my journey, Big Sis on this site gave me some of the best advice I received at the time - which was - let go or she'll drag you down with her.

It has been very difficult to let go - and the degree to which I held on, I did get dragged down - depressed, exhausted and frustrated. To the degree I let go, I found peace.

Someone also told me - there is value in suffering. So, if your boy gets hurt - maybe that's not a bad thing considering the path he is on. Once I heard of an addict that got into a horrible car accident and the 6 months he spent in traction was what he needed to turn his life around.

We "judge" good and bad without the sight of our Higher Power. In retrospect, when my addict was given probation I thought it was a wonderful thing. After she relapsed and became psychotic, was dealing again and using, I wished they had put her in prison for a few years.

In the final analysis - we have no control over their choices or the consequences of thier choices - we control only our choices. Just recently, someone posted in answer to one of my questions - Let go or be dragged... it's true.

I pray you can let go, if even just a little and begin to trust your HP. This IS a horrible situation and it is normal to feel grief and fear - however, the only person you have the power to help right now is yourself.

Please do consider Al Anon or a Nar Anon family group - it helps a TON.
God Bless

winnie12

I too tried to hide my son's drug use from my family. Heck i was wonderwoman and could handle it all on my own - didnt want to worry anyone - didnt want anyone to think badly of him - right??? wrong. if they love him and you then they have a right to know and to offer you support to get through this. I did it all alone but i did a terrible job - made myself physically ill, didnt eat, didnt sleep just worried worried worried. that was my job to worry.

well i quit that job. i let other people help me and i'm learning to let go of him whatever that means. its not that i dont still worry about him but i'm not obsessed with worry anymore. his problems and his consquences are his not mine. if my son dies i know that there is nothing i could have done to stop it. your son is going to do whatever he decides and there is nothing that you can do about it. honestly it took those times of being so beside myself with worry till i finally hit my bottom and gave up.

You need other people when you go through difficult times in life - we are not meant to carry every burden alone because some are just too heavy.

outtolunch

On a previous post you said you feared if you desert your son, he might kill himself. Most of us have felt like this at one time or another. We were delusional and used this kind of thinking to sustain our own fantasies that we had control over someone else, let alone their addiction.
We also used the delusion to rationalize enabling.

He does not attend school. He does not work. He lives at home. He is driving your car. Chances are he is driving your car while high, which is how one manages to blow out two tires.

How does he pay for the drugs? Are you funding it? Is he stealing? Is he using or lending out your car to commit crimes? Where does he get money from?

He has your cell phone because you beleive it's the only way to reach him, but the only time you hear from him is when he wants something.

Do you see the pattern?

Seriously consider calling the Police and reporting your car stolen and press charges. You might save his life and that of others, by doing so.

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure this.

The sooner you get out of his way and let him fall, the sooner he will begin to realize the consequences. If his life remains easy, there is no reason for him to consider sobriety.

peaceteach

Hi dslalonde. I'm sorry you are going through such a crisis, sweetie. I see myself in you a couple years ago. My son is 25 now and still messed up, still using and still in denial, still unemployed, broke, and lying. Nothing I did for him at the age that your son currently is helped. In fact, it probably delayed his hitting bottom. I still screw up now and then and "help" him. All of my worry and help hasn't changed his future. All my covering up for him and wanting his family and loved ones to think good things about him didn't change the person he had become. It was really hard on me, though, and I found myself barely existing in between crises. I even had a sister-in-law witness one of my crisis moments where I was soooo worried about him and she told me it looked like someone who was having a panic or anxiety attack. I didn't think she knew what she was talking about then, but looking back now, after allowing myself the gift of detachment from my grown son's problems, I see she was right. I was truly messed up. I thought I had things under control or that I could somehow save my son, that he wasn't going to wind up a drug addict like all those other people. What a horrible thing, isn't it, to realize that your own son (or daughter) truly is one of those people.

Coming here is SUCH a smart move. Reading other parents' words of advice and wisdom is just the help you need to break through the denial and work into the acceptance stage of your life and your son's life. No one is threatening you, sweetie. I believe you when you say you have an instinct. I believe all mothers have it with their children. It still doesn't change the reality of your situation or mine. Our children are really, really messed up because of drugs. They have gone down a path that is horrible to us, that could result in death, and we have absolutely no control over their walk. NONE. But we can try to step aside and let them reach the destination more quickly, more harshly, and try to believe that a higher power is trying to reach them and help them if WE could just please get out of the way.

I'm praying for your family tonight, dslalonde. I know exactly how you feel, having been there so many times. Every parent on this forum knows, honey. We've all walked the walk you are on. Please know this and keep coming here for support or to just spill your anguish to us. We are listening.