kj3880

In my continuing search to understand codependency, I noticed the following:

Many of us, myself included, noticed that the drug user/people-user seeks us out. In my case, in the last codie relationship I was in, the man chased me relentlessly, which I at first resisted. What do you all think:

How many of you think that the men you were codependent to consciously, actively seek out a codie to bleed dry, then go on to the next?

How many of you think your addict just fell into being with you without knowing why he/she was attracted to the relationship?

How many of you think you started out as a normal, fairly evenly-balanced relationship, but then it became codie due to him/her developing an addiction or other serious problem like mental/physical illness?

How many of you think it is something in between?

What makes you think intiating a codie relationship was or was not deliberate?


For instance, in my case my ex abf said once near the beginning of my time with him "I can't quite figure you out...I can't tell for sure if you are the caretaker type of woman, or what..."
This statement alone indicates that he is aware that he feels he needs to find someone that he can use as a caretaker. There were other things I look back on as conscious indications that he was looking for a codie: He said "I need my girlfriend to be just like my mom. She really took care of my dad." And "I could never be with one of those real b!tchy, independent types of girls. I have to have things a certain way. My g/f has to accept that." I feel like an idiot when I think back on this stuff. It's hard to think about.
So, I hope this doesn't bring anyone any pain to answer this, but if it does hurt to think about it, maybe we need to think about it to work on it not happening again????

Love,
KJ

Freedom1990

My codependency has nothing to do with 'them' and everything to do with me.

kj3880

Hmmm. Mine has everything to do with me too, but that's not what I'm asking about. I'm curious about whether you all think that people on the other side of the codie spectrum seek us out, or if it just happens.

longview

I noticed after being in Alanon for a while 16 years ago, that I responded to the needy ones differently than non-codies (whether at work, church, or in social situations). They presented themselves very differently than I. So, following my sponsors advice to "stick with the winners," I began to pattern my way of responding to others after women I admired and "wanted what they had." It took a couple years, but then I was no longer approached by the drinkers and druggers. That was a step toward my goal for having a sane, peaceful and useful life.

But... now I get to develop a new set of skills related to AD. *sigh* At least this time I know there is a solution to my behaviors from the beginning.

sailorjohn

Change that to 'people'. There seems to be some kind of gender-bias here, as if all the relationships were abusive addict=male-codependent=female.


IMO, just basing it on my own experience, I think we/they seek the other out unconsciously, using visual cues, probably gets exacerbated by verbal cues, after we get 'connected'.

I have a bad picker, hopefully down the road in the next decade or so it will be a good picker. Today, if I'm strongly attracted to another it's a very good idea for me to start walking-or running-in the opposite direction.

kj3880

No, sorry, I'm sure there are plenty of women that abuse their SO in this way too. And plenty of male codies. I guess they don't go to meetings as much around here, for some reason, so I don't know any in person. But I didn't mean to leave you men out. Thanks for the feedback. My picker is broken, too. I'd be terrified of anyone I was attracted to at this point. But I can tell you that all my soft, romantic-type feelings are dead right now. I feel like a forest that had a fire burn through it.
Love,
KJ

jan123

I think that they seek us out and we are willing! Our problem to begin with. It sucks to have a good heart, then to be beaten up for it. Love is blind!

winnie12

I dont think the addict is that diabolical that they consciously seek us out. its just two puzzle pieces that fit together.

Freedom1990

I agree.

breakingfree88

I know that I (in the past) would consciously seek out men who seemed like they needed me. God, it felt so good to be in a relationship with someone that felt they couldn't live without me! I'm learning now that my drug has been these men, abusive, drug-addicted, porn-addicted, depressed (I could go on and on!) men. And I totally agree with SailorJohn, right now, if I'm attracted to someone I should run. HAHA

CoDieNOmore

I really liked what breakingfree said about being addicted to the men themselves. I always picked the broken men.. I needed to feel needed. I wanted someone full of drama so I did not have to look at my own stuff. I hid in my relationships. Then I wake up on day and wonder why it did not workout.... The only person I can change is me... And I have enough with working on myself to keep me BUSY for awhile....

ItsmeAlice

I definitely picked my ABF. I picked him before I knew his name. He started working where I kept my horse, and my radar starting beeping the moment he walked by. As I got to know him, he matched all my desired traits (I actually had a written checklist).

I think of that checklist now, and I think I must have written the perfect codie masterpiece, and I went looking for it.

How's that for premeditated??

kj3880

I think that my addict definitely consciously picked me to be a caretaker. And I think he's done this with other women. I'm not even sure if he's attracted to me. I doubt that I'm his type physically. I used to watch his eyes kind of light up around the women he found attractive. They were blonde, tall and lanky, flat-chested with long limbs and strong kind of Nordic-looking features. I'm kind of small but buxom, with little Irish features and long dark curly hair. Almost the physical opposite of these women. I seriously think that I was a financial decision for him, and I was just sick enough to allow him into my life for two months. Thank God I realized what I was doing before I let him move in or take money from me (he asked to do both of these things in the first month of dating).

KJ

sailorjohn

Dang, kj, just my type! Would you be interested in a neurotic, obsessive, emotionally stunted recovering alcoholic/addict?

CarolD

When I was an active alcoholic.....I was not seeking
a committed relationship.
My requirements were that the man drank as much as I did
and could afford his own place and booze.


Another view from the other side.

Hangin' In

I remember very well the family counseling session at our AD's out patient clinic. The doctor who ran the clinic had 36 years clean and sober. And he said that an addict/alcoholic and a codie can be in a room full of people and they will be attracted to one another from across the room without even speaking.

Since being around the rooms of recovery for some time now, I've observed that to be true as the majority of those women who have had or have spouses have picked alcoholics/addicts.

sojourner

great topic, one i've thought about also.

AFA the substance user, i do think their hijacked brain is drawn to those who may be possible sources - that brain is testing the waters of people (relatives, friends, parents of friends, whatever) to see if they are people to go to in time of crisis.

and here's a very subtle thing, but my AS will come to me in time of crisis, ask for my help, get a "no," and then use that "no" to go to the enabler in his life with a sad-sack story of what a mean mom he has because he found very early on that that works very well- especially with females of absolutely ANY age or relationship. Yeah, his hijacked brain is working the crowd all right...

Babs

Interesting topic....one that I have contemplated many times. I find that my codie-ness even carries over into work. I seem to always work for the "difficult" people...the ones who put me down, the ones who verbally abuse me, the ones who accuse me of disloyalty, the ones nobody else will work for!

The only thing I can figure out is that it is comfortable. This is something I know, and know how to play. This is a situation that feels like home. I always can identify the tender inner person, feel pity for how they have let unhappiness bring them down, and find great satisfaction in heroically rescuing them. Love, Pity, Rescue. My recipe for drama in my life.

When I feel attracted to someone, they should be sent directly to rehab!

Hugs,
Babs

BohemiMamaof3

I think that most *normal* people, haha, or rather people with healthy boundaries and/or self-esteem wouldn't put up with the drama and mistreatment that comes from being close to an addict. Therefore a relationship with such a person would quickly run it's course. But with those of us with codie issues, we tend to put up with all the nonsense. So I think it's not so much as the addicts seeking us out, or if it's just that our relationships last longer because we tolerate more abuse & drama for longer periods.

hope213

i do not think they seek us out i think we seek them out. i am the type that feels bad for the under dog. i thought i could really help them until i got into recovery. today i know better. all they do is make me feel not as good as. they are all about blame & can tear your self confidence totally down.it did not have to be an addict just anyone who had a problem with themselves. i always told them how good & great there were. there was one that i brained washed into really thinking they were while he made me feel so unworthy. how stupid is that?