helpformyson

Dear Readers,
Last month, after getting thrown out of a 2 rehabs and a half way house and being sent to jail 3x's, with a current outstanding warrant (drug related), I told my son that he was not to contact me until he was finally ready to turn his life around. In my last conversation with him, I told him that I loved him unconditionally and that I will miss him and think about him everyday. I told him to call me when he was finally ready. I am confused and don't know what to do. I am not sure if that was the right thing to do by cutting him out of my life. The reason I did it was two-fold. Self-preservation as well as knowing that he so badly wants a relationship with me and I told him he can't have both (the drugs and to be in my life). It is a catch-22, hearing from him tears me apart and not hearing from him worries me to death. I recently spoke with an addiction psychiatrist and he told me that I did the right thing. But my heart hurts so much and I cry almost everyday. He had so much potential and was in collage. Now he has nothing to his name, is buried in debt and just keeps bouncing around. My sister and neice told me to turn him into the police, but he will hate me forever. Do I turn him in or just let the chips fall?

Freedom1990

What is the motive in turning him in?

My oldest AD has an outstanding warrant out on her (she lives in a county south of me, warrant is from another county).

That's between her and law enforcement, not me.

historyteach

Dear help...
I hear your pain so well...
You need not do anything that is outside the boundaries of your relationship with your son. Therefore, you need not call the police and turn him in. He can face the consequences of his actions all on his own, and you need not have a hand in it at all. But, let me assure you from first hand experience; As one who did turn my own son in because he robbed me to feed his addiction, (within my own boundaries here), my son did not hate me forever. Addiction is strong, yes. Love is stronger. But, you've got to live past the anger in the interum if you go that route. Thankfully, you have no need to.

You did do the right thing. It's very very hard. I'm still learning how hard it is after 14 years. I kept breaking down and letting him back in. That behavior on my part only enables his addiction. It allows him to be irresponsible. Every time I do for him what he should be doing for himself, I am hurting my son. Since I love my son, why do I keep hurting him by enabling him? It makes no sense. Please stick with your plan for the sake of your son. He deserves the chance to get well. The same chance I am now finally giving my son.

I wish you well. And I hope to hear from you as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!

winnie12

The one thing i notice is that once we detach we're left with ourselves and our imaginations. loosing that control of knowing what is going on is actually the hard part.

If you turned him into the law what exactly would that be for? if you just call them and say your son's an addict they're not going to do a thing.

Serenity Bound

help, I said the exact same things to my AD, that was in Nov 08, we were sitting in my car and I then dropped her off at a friends. My conversation & parting words were that I didn't want to see her or hear from her as long as she was using. I couldn't watch it. Even a day or two later when her friend said that my AD was trying to get back into rehab, would I talk to her.......as hard as it was....I said NO. Trying to & doing it were two different things in my mind.
Did I worry and miss her, h!ll yes, but I knew that she had to do this for herself and that I couldn't be involved. Even when she did go into rehab, I didn't take her, her friend did.

Today she received her 4 month chip.....first time she's been clean this long.....I'll take today and be happy.

As far as turning your son in, well what will it accomplish, and who would you be doing it for?

Best advice I ever give is to put them into their HP hands.

Hugs to you.
Chris

MyJoey

Helpformyson,

(((Sending support and hugs))) I know it hurts, I am so sorry. You are doing the right thing, even if it don't feel like it. This will help you get him back sooner, he needs to feel the full affects of his actions I am learning that more and more. I half wish my son was over 18 so I could throw him out and make him see for himself what these drugs are doing to him. I have had my son arrested a few times now on drug charges and for stealing from us to feed his addiction, while he acts mad at us I know he don't hate us. I am not saying to have your son arrested the only reason we did was because the drugs were at our house and he was stealing from us. If you are worried about him doing drugs and having him arrested will place him in jail, where he can't get them then that is something to think about.

greeteachday

One thing I learned in my recovery is to look at my motivation. When I do things because they are right for me, I have no epxectations and I am then usually more at peace with my decisions. But when I do things because of what I believe my actions will make others do, I get myself into trouble.

One very positive outcome of working on us is that it shifts the focus off the addict and he or she is obligated to face the consequences of use. But it isn't about control...in fact we are giving the power to change back to them. So I would just caution about the no contact rule being in place because you think it will force the issue....He owns that choice and there may be lessons he still needs to learn before he is ready for recovery. It stinks, but that's the reality.

It really, really helped me with the worry and obsessing to take the time when my daughter was not in my home to really immerse myself in my own recovery. I read up on codependency, went to Naranon meetings, did step work and read and posted here...a lot. I used my phone list to talk out my feelings with other folks with lots of experience. The more I worked on me, the less I could focus on worry. I learned to accept that a power greater than me was in control and to trust the process.

Many hugs...this stuff is really hard on moms....and dads...and partners...and siblings...and friends. Guess that's why it is called a family disease. :hugs:

marle

I had to let my daughter go in November of '06. I would still occasionally text message her an I love you. In December of that year she came to my house and told me she was ready to get help, so I gave her some numbers and then told her to let me know. She wasn't ready and so she continued in active addiction until May of '08. She called and asked for numbers and this time she followed through with it. She has been clean since. In the year and a half until she was ready I saw her 5 times. It broke my heart but I was able to keep my boundaries with her and she did not ask me for anything. She was with a man who was 17 years older than she was and bought all her drugs. So it was very hard for her to leave that lifestyle, but she finally became sick and tired of it and wanted recovery. I don't know if she would have gotten to that point if I had continued to have a "normal" relationship with her. I did what I did for me and not for her. That was the difference. I did not try to force consequences on her. I did not stand in between her and God. I let go and took care of me. I also cried a lot. It is a grieving process when we let go of our addict children. I know it is so hard for you right now, but it will get better with time. The grief will not totally go away but it will get easier to bear and you will start having more good days than bad. Sending hugs and prayers, Marle

PeaceTrain

Dear Help for..
Being a Mom of an addict is such a hardship, painful to say the least. To use the tough love approach is so contrary to what most parents feel is good parenting - yet we must.
I have been to many counselors and most schooled in addiction issues feel it is the most beneficial approach. I could not comply with the complete no contact stance that most feel is necessary, but I do not live with my Adaughter now, and I only do things that will reinforce recovery. I may not be where some think I should be - but codie recovery is MY journey and it is what I can live with. There are no absolutes in relationship issues -- knowledge is power -- use your knowledge and keep your power.
Let the police deal with their issues - you deal with yours.
Best Wishes..

laurie6781

This is a part of "My Story" on another thread on this site:

As a side note, my parents lived in North Palm Beach, lol Must be something in the water, lol that gives the parent the wherewithall to do this.

Yes, it was the best thing they ever did for me and my only regret was that they had waited so long.

I can tell you I was p*ss*d at the time, moved all the way to the other coast, but when I found recovery saw that what they did had been the correct thing to do.

So, yes you did the right thing. As to turning him in, I know mine would have if I had anything 'outstanding' at the time (that they hadn't taken care of).

Check your motives. Will it help him to find recovery sooner? Don't know. Will it help him to find recovery eventually? Probably.

It gets pretty rough living on the streets even in a warm climate.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Impurrfect

(((Help)))

As a recovering addict, I, too, think you did the right thing, but as has been pointed out, there is no absolute "right way" when it comes to dealing with your child.

When I was using, the only contact I had with my dad was the few times he would come to the town I lived in, find me on the streets and take me to lunch. When I got locked up, he put money on my books, which I used for food and paper to write letters. Most of the food I gave to the other girls (such a good codie ). Was it the right thing to do? Probably not..but then I'd never been in jail for a month, and he'd never had his only child in jail that long, either. I've paid him back, anyway.

When I relapsed, dad got me out of the financial mess I'd gotten myself into in that one week, but only because I started working again within a week. I knew that if I used again, I would not only be out the door, but he would report me to my probation officer and I would be facing prison time. I had lost my job, but was able to get one in the same restaurant chain, and paid him back within 6 weeks.

My point is, you know your child and what addiction has done to him. Some parents can maintain a detached relationship with their child, others need to go no-contact. We A's do a lot of the same behaviors, but we're not all alike..I never, once, stole from my dad...other than his peace of mind I never used around him.

I know this hurts your mama heart, but I think you're doing the right thing. As far as the warrant goes, I would just let HP handle it. I had an outstanding warrant, and I eventually got picked up for it..that's what got me locked up for almost 6 months. However, it if involves YOU or something he's done TO you, then that's a different story.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sojourner

helpformyson:

Amazing, i'm at the same place and finally told son face-to-face (over the phone) that he was not welcome here, that if he did not get his stuff out of here in a week i'd throw it out, that if he called he could leave a message and i'd get back to him, that it was just to painful for me to watch his life go downhill, that i just had nothing for him if he was not dealing with his drug/alcohol problem in a recovery program of some type.

I reflect on those who are not that familiar with family members with addiction and how these people often have a hard-hearted attitude about it - their advice is "get rid of the bum, kick him out, let him fend for himself." What i realize is, they are right. It is eventually what i have had to get to. It is what many counselors and recovering people say we have to do - but i had to try other things first, and i had to get here in my own time. Now i'm ready not for my son but for myself. I know i've done everything I could up til now. Now it's time to let him go totally - again not for him but for me. It's just too painful, and his HP is totally in charge anyway with or without me in the shadows.

BohemiMamaof3

I think you did the right thing, stay strong, keep praying for him.

As for the turning him in, I believe that if you are directly asked about his whereabouts, you should be honest; or if his warrants somehow are directly related to you, then you should. Otherwise I wouldn't interfere. jmho.