Not with a bang but a whimper...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
Not with a bang but a whimper...
Poet T.S. Eliot wrote it in his saga poem "The Wasteland". "...this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper." ...
After 2.5 years of struggling with my addict fiance's crazy-making, I finally made the decision to leave him. I booked movers and had the conversation with my addict that it was over. The movers are scheduled to come pack/move my stuff in 34 days. I have spent so much $ and time trying to make this relationship a succees, only to be left without much $ and no time for myself.
Now, however, having made the commitment to move in a calm, well-measured, and non-chaotic way, I am finding a lot of peace-of-mind. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And interestingly, now that I am mentally packing/moving I finally see him and the relationship for what it really is: an empty shell, filled with nothing but bubbles of air-pockets, hollow hopes and expectations. When I look at him, even now when he's trying his best to act polite and ammenable, I wonder why I spent so many years living in circles. The rose-colored glasses are off, and I am neither angry nor sad. Rather, I am ready to get on with my new life in 34 days and begin LIVING again.
Sometimes, he will ask me, "What about me? What am I going to do? Where will I live?" Inside myself I say, "I don't care anymore", but out loud I lovingly say, "You've always been a survivor, and I know you'll land on your feet". I have suggested Salvation Army's Adult Rehab Center, but I have neither called for him, nor scheduled any appointments; he can do that himself if he really wanted to do so.
I told him that he may stay here with me until I leave. We have normal days, watch TV, go out for cocktails, make dinner. I think *I* am doing this calmly so that when it ends, I will have all knots tied and know that I treated him with love until the end. I think *he* may be doing it calmly in the hope that within 34 days I'll change my mind based upon his good behavior. For whatever reason, it's functioning well. And when it ends in 34 days, it will end with a wimper, not a bang. I'm done with the blow-out fights, begging, anger, and sleuthing (too tired to do it anymore).
This time I will be the one walking off into the sunset. It feels both strange and wondeful to be walking away from this disaster. I will miss him, I will miss what I thought was the man I fell in love with. But who knows if I really ever knew him at all.
Thanks for letting me share...
After 2.5 years of struggling with my addict fiance's crazy-making, I finally made the decision to leave him. I booked movers and had the conversation with my addict that it was over. The movers are scheduled to come pack/move my stuff in 34 days. I have spent so much $ and time trying to make this relationship a succees, only to be left without much $ and no time for myself.
Now, however, having made the commitment to move in a calm, well-measured, and non-chaotic way, I am finding a lot of peace-of-mind. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And interestingly, now that I am mentally packing/moving I finally see him and the relationship for what it really is: an empty shell, filled with nothing but bubbles of air-pockets, hollow hopes and expectations. When I look at him, even now when he's trying his best to act polite and ammenable, I wonder why I spent so many years living in circles. The rose-colored glasses are off, and I am neither angry nor sad. Rather, I am ready to get on with my new life in 34 days and begin LIVING again.
Sometimes, he will ask me, "What about me? What am I going to do? Where will I live?" Inside myself I say, "I don't care anymore", but out loud I lovingly say, "You've always been a survivor, and I know you'll land on your feet". I have suggested Salvation Army's Adult Rehab Center, but I have neither called for him, nor scheduled any appointments; he can do that himself if he really wanted to do so.
I told him that he may stay here with me until I leave. We have normal days, watch TV, go out for cocktails, make dinner. I think *I* am doing this calmly so that when it ends, I will have all knots tied and know that I treated him with love until the end. I think *he* may be doing it calmly in the hope that within 34 days I'll change my mind based upon his good behavior. For whatever reason, it's functioning well. And when it ends in 34 days, it will end with a wimper, not a bang. I'm done with the blow-out fights, begging, anger, and sleuthing (too tired to do it anymore).
This time I will be the one walking off into the sunset. It feels both strange and wondeful to be walking away from this disaster. I will miss him, I will miss what I thought was the man I fell in love with. But who knows if I really ever knew him at all.
Thanks for letting me share...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by suchAsucker 
Poet T.S. Eliot wrote it in his saga poem "The Wasteland". "...this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper." ...
After 2.5 years of struggling with my addict fiance's crazy-making, I finally made the decision to leave him. I booked movers and had the conversation with my addict that it was over. The movers are scheduled to come pack/move my stuff in 34 days. I have spent so much $ and time trying to make this relationship a succees, only to be left without much $ and no time for myself.
Now, however, having made the commitment to move in a calm, well-measured, and non-chaotic way, I am finding a lot of peace-of-mind. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And interestingly, now that I am mentally packing/moving I finally see him and the relationship for what it really is: an empty shell, filled with nothing but bubbles of air-pockets, hollow hopes and expectations. When I look at him, even now when he's trying his best to act polite and ammenable, I wonder why I spent so many years living in circles. The rose-colored glasses are off, and I am neither angry nor sad. Rather, I am ready to get on with my new life in 34 days and begin LIVING again.
Sometimes, he will ask me, "What about me? What am I going to do? Where will I live?" Inside myself I say, "I don't care anymore", but out loud I lovingly say, "You've always been a survivor, and I know you'll land on your feet". I have suggested Salvation Army's Adult Rehab Center, but I have neither called for him, nor scheduled any appointments; he can do that himself if he really wanted to do so.
I told him that he may stay here with me until I leave. We have normal days, watch TV, go out for cocktails, make dinner. I think *I* am doing this calmly so that when it ends, I will have all knots tied and know that I treated him with love until the end. I think *he* may be doing it calmly in the hope that within 34 days I'll change my mind based upon his good behavior. For whatever reason, it's functioning well. And when it ends in 34 days, it will end with a wimper, not a bang. I'm done with the blow-out fights, begging, anger, and sleuthing (too tired to do it anymore).
This time I will be the one walking off into the sunset. It feels both strange and wondeful to be walking away from this disaster. I will miss him, I will miss what I thought was the man I fell in love with. But who knows if I really ever knew him at all.
Thanks for letting me share...
After 2.5 years of struggling with my addict fiance's crazy-making, I finally made the decision to leave him. I booked movers and had the conversation with my addict that it was over. The movers are scheduled to come pack/move my stuff in 34 days. I have spent so much $ and time trying to make this relationship a succees, only to be left without much $ and no time for myself.
Now, however, having made the commitment to move in a calm, well-measured, and non-chaotic way, I am finding a lot of peace-of-mind. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And interestingly, now that I am mentally packing/moving I finally see him and the relationship for what it really is: an empty shell, filled with nothing but bubbles of air-pockets, hollow hopes and expectations. When I look at him, even now when he's trying his best to act polite and ammenable, I wonder why I spent so many years living in circles. The rose-colored glasses are off, and I am neither angry nor sad. Rather, I am ready to get on with my new life in 34 days and begin LIVING again.
Sometimes, he will ask me, "What about me? What am I going to do? Where will I live?" Inside myself I say, "I don't care anymore", but out loud I lovingly say, "You've always been a survivor, and I know you'll land on your feet". I have suggested Salvation Army's Adult Rehab Center, but I have neither called for him, nor scheduled any appointments; he can do that himself if he really wanted to do so.
I told him that he may stay here with me until I leave. We have normal days, watch TV, go out for cocktails, make dinner. I think *I* am doing this calmly so that when it ends, I will have all knots tied and know that I treated him with love until the end. I think *he* may be doing it calmly in the hope that within 34 days I'll change my mind based upon his good behavior. For whatever reason, it's functioning well. And when it ends in 34 days, it will end with a wimper, not a bang. I'm done with the blow-out fights, begging, anger, and sleuthing (too tired to do it anymore).
This time I will be the one walking off into the sunset. It feels both strange and wondeful to be walking away from this disaster. I will miss him, I will miss what I thought was the man I fell in love with. But who knows if I really ever knew him at all.
Thanks for letting me share...
It's sad to me. I'm sure it's sad to you, but it would be worse to stay in a realtionship where you wern't being taking care of.
I just think it's sad that your fiance choose drugs over you. They all choose drugs over life/love.
I'm proud of you. I hope life hands you a great deck of cards on your next round.....
love,
cess
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
34 days of cooking dinner together, watching TV and going out for cocktails. To prime the end of the relationship. Wow, I could never have done that!
So when you leave will here be no contact, done, and will he be out of your life forever?
So when you leave will here be no contact, done, and will he be out of your life forever?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
Yes done. I am so DONE. Every scenario has been played-out. As soon as I leave, I'm changing my phone number. I am moving away to a different state, a million miles away from him. I can honestly say to myself and others that there is absolutely nothing left I can do to save him (3 C's), and I've let my own health (skin, hair, doctor's appointments, exercise, etc) be put on the back-burner for too long. I don't recognize myself anymore. As much as I want to leave tonite while he's asleep and never look back, logistically I have to wait 34 days for the move. So, I'm trying to make the best of it while I have to. And, because I did love him, I do not want to look back on my life 40 years from now and wish I had done it differently. I don't want the last words out of my mouth to be hateful. Of course, I worry that a Last Fight may still occur when he sees the boxes packed and me getting in my car to leave, but I really hope that he steps outside of himself and realizes that a relationship CAN end with both parties saying, "I had hoped it would turn out differently, but it did not. Good luck on your journey". That is how I'm trying to guide it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I think you are doing this with dignity and grace. When we finally hit our bottom, we know...it's over. That doesn't mean we still won't have feelings to process through..I went through all the stages of grief, once the numbness wore off, but I never questioned my decision to move on with my life.
I'm so proud of you, for taking care of YOU!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm so proud of you, for taking care of YOU!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I am really happy for you. That is great that you have a plan and you are sticking to it. I'm also glad that you realized that you needed to take care of yourself and your needs. I've been there. It is so easy to neglect yourself because you are running around trying to fix everything! I hope things still stay quiet in your household. You are right, the begging, pleading, and arguing does no good. Believe me, I've tried that!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Wow, what a powerful post..thank you!! I really admire your strength, insight and wisdom.
What you wrote made me think of the Newcomers Welcome reading in Naranon. You demonstrate the "wisdom and courage to see ourselves as we really are, to do something about ourselves with the help of a higher power as we understand this, and for the grace to release our addicts with love and cease trying to change them."
Awesome. I hope your next 34 days remain peaceful...with your perspective, I think think they will. I see so much hope in your post...yes, some sadness that it is over, but hope for you and the new life you will have. Hugs
What you wrote made me think of the Newcomers Welcome reading in Naranon. You demonstrate the "wisdom and courage to see ourselves as we really are, to do something about ourselves with the help of a higher power as we understand this, and for the grace to release our addicts with love and cease trying to change them."
Awesome. I hope your next 34 days remain peaceful...with your perspective, I think think they will. I see so much hope in your post...yes, some sadness that it is over, but hope for you and the new life you will have. Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
Ya know, the hardest part of this waiting is the endurace test. This morning, I woke up to find yet another wire cable cut beside my balcony chair (copper wires for the crack filter on the glass pipe). I'm not living in denial, just trying to endure this for the next 33 days. Very difficult to maintain any type of normalicy. We both ignored it. But dammit, I was mad... I console myself with the thoughts that this will all soon be over... Trying to maintin my cool while he is in the depths of addiction. I just try to tell myself to hang-on, be cool, and it will soon be over... Please pray for me... I'm Catholic, so I pray to St Jude to intervene and help me thru these trials... Any prayers help, my friends. Please send prayers my way..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I'm sorry, but scr@w this...get out while you still have your checking account and sanity intact...find a friends' couch to stay on for the 30 days...this is just too sad, depressing, and a waste of 30 days of valuable happy life...! Get free, the sooner the better. I'm sorry, but there has to be a better and easier and happier way to live this month.
KJ
KJ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
I agree with kj3880. There is no time frame in leaving, you just go, that is where the dignity starts. You can't soften the blow by leaving knowing that you did your best in the end by having a few dinners and a movie. Actually hitting your bottom means just that, hitting your bottom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
I agree with you.. it is difficult... I have all my valuables and checking in a separate deposit box, untouchable. I sit here, him by my side watching TV, enduring all this BS. Trying to be graceful, as Impurrfect said... I know as long as I pretend to be cool, that he will not suspect that all my plans are solid, in place, and ready. Unless I'm secretive about the Finality the drama that would ensue is Beyond Comprehension (except to those who've been thru it 
.. So I *endure* so that I can leave with a whisper... There is no where I can go for 33 days.. but I assure you until then I'm OK.. until then it's like a poker game, and I'm not gonna give away this poker-hand until the deck has been played.. God bless you for your support...
.. So I *endure* so that I can leave with a whisper... There is no where I can go for 33 days.. but I assure you until then I'm OK.. until then it's like a poker game, and I'm not gonna give away this poker-hand until the deck has been played.. God bless you for your support...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
