357girl

I thought we were over the really bad hill that everything was getting better. I wanted to get away from here, from the meetings from everything that had to do with my 18 YO daughter's addiction to Oxycontin. She had detoxed, finished rehab was still in IOP and was going to meetings. It was all better in my mind and I could start living again. I didn't have to read the books or literature and I wasn't codependent anymore. All of it was swept neatly under the rug and I didn't see the big nasty lump under it anymore. I just chose to stop looking at it. A week ago it started becoming obvious that she wasn't working her program, that she was lying about going to meetings, she was sleeping until noon, not looking for work, the cell phone was ringing off the hook and the texting was nonstop. My codie self was going to check on her to see if she was really at the meeting she was supposed to be helping out at, putting coffee out and stuff. I told her I wanted to come with her but she went into a rage and left. Tears were pouring down my face and I was driving to find out if she was lying to me or not. I quit smoking 3 years ago and pulled over to get a pack. But then I didn't try to find her car, instead I went to a town hall meeting I had heard about. It was on the front page of our local paper the day before. A mom in my trying to get the community involved in rallying against oxycontin abuse. I pulled into where the meeting was being held expecting it to be full and wondering what faces I would recognize. But there were only three people in the room, some parents of a boy who graduated with my AD and the lady trying to start the coalition, I guess you call it. I learned that son of these other parents was one of her dealers. He was clean two weeks out of rehab. I called them the next day and the parents told me that their son said my daughter had relapsed. If fact she had relapsed with him only three days after coming out of rehab. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night with the parents of this boy. We know the names of all the kids who are using in our town. All four parents were crying when we told our stories. Right now my daughter is passed out in her room coming down off her oxycontin high. I cant reason with her friggin addict and how do I send an 18 year old out in the cold. I'm so angry. I know what I need to do take care of myself, and let my daughter take care of herself. I have to write her a letter because trying to talk to her is useless. I am so afraid I am going to lose her like I lost my mom to her alcohol addiction. And here I am again at soberrecovery crying my eyes out. I have to write that letter to her and I have things to do today that don't involve her and I know I need to do them and I wonder if she will make it another week. Two teenagers have lost their lives in our town to heroin overdose in the last 6 months. I don't want her to die and I don't want to be prepared to bury her. I will never be prepared for that. She is only 18 and i love her so much it makes my heart ache like there is no tomorrow. Claudia

BayAreaPhoenix

(((357)))

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!

BBD

Hi Claudia, I wish I had a miracle for you but I don't. Just some hugs and adice to stick with meetings and maybe get yourself involved in some counciling. Thats what helped me. I had no clue to how codependant I was....my problem was my son and cocaine. I was quite the enabler till I woke up. With such a young girl I would think you could find medical help out there. I know she has to want the help and thats the hard part. Forcing help just won't work. I'm sending a ton of mom hugs your way...and hopeing you find an answer.....Smiles, Bonnie

Freedom1990

I hear and feel the pain and fear in your post; I've been there. :ghug

Done_With_It

****{357Girl}}}

Others will be around soon who have been in similiar situations, just wanted
to stop by and drop off a hug. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now.

Hang in there others will be around shortly with a lot of love & support.

:ghug

Angelic17

Hang in there Claudia, the good news is that there is alot of help out there, and alot of hope. It's a tough road, and it's not that easy to fix. It takes alot of time and patience. It unfortunately doesn't get better overnight. TOUGH LOVE is the answer for your daughter. Addicts are very selfish, and it doesn't matter how good the person is, that disease brings out the worst in people. You need to make her be responsible for her actions. If she wants to be an addict, that's her choice. But, you don't have to allow it under your roof. I know that sounds mean, but I'm not mean, and I did all the same things and more for my addict son. The outcome was more drug abuse. He graduated from pills to sniffing heroin, because it was stronger, and cheaper. I still didn't throw him out, because, like you, I couldn't put my child in the street. But, we wouldn't let him do any drugs here, he was drug tested, and watched. So, on his own, he decided to leave my home. He ran out of here so he could get high. He was not allowed back because of the drugs, and he finally decided to get clean. He didn't like the gutter. He comes from a good home. Prayers for you and your daughter. Your a good mom, but you have to get tough. If you don't your just prolonging the situation. God Help and Bless You. :ghug3

MyJoey

(((Sending hugs and support))) I know just how you feel. My son is also an addict and he is just 17, it is heartbreaking. Honestly like someone told me if we could love them clean there wouldn't be a problem, but sadly we can't and tough love is the only hope we have of making them want to do it for themselves. Not at all easy that is why it is called TOUGH love. I know the day is coming I will be faced with kicking my son to the streets and as much as it is going to hurt me, I know I have to do it in order to help him. Go to the meetings get all the support you can, it is a long bumpy road. Keep posting here, we all cry together and we all smile together when one of our children comes clean. :ghug

greeteachday

I'm so sorry. As I read your post, I felt as if I was reliving my life when my daughter returned from her first detox. Different form of opiate, but same deal. I had no knowledge of addiction so I thought it was just detox, going to outpatient treatment, bingo she is back good as new...the beautiful 19 year old I knew just a few months earlier. Like you, I felt totally hopeless when she relapsed...it just didn't seem possible and it seemed much worse, like her disease was just screaming to stay alive and active.

You've taken a huge step, going to a meeting and coming back here. There really is hope, both for you and your daughter. I've found and I see it here all the time, that when the parent starts changing in recovery, things change with the child too. No, not everyone gets and stays clean...that is a sad reality, but behaviors change, because we no longer dance the dance of addiction.

I could never kick my daughter out...I just did not get to that point to have the strength to do it. But I took smaller steps that made a difference, and I did say she could only stay in the house if she was actively working recovery. And when faced with rehab or leave, she did choose rehab. The more meeetings I attended and the more I worked on me, the easier it became to set boundaries and enforce them without scenes and tears and sleepless nights.

Praying for you and your daughter

yeahgr8

Wow what a mum you are!!!! Wishing you all the best for you both :ghug3

sistergldnhair

My heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain and despair in every word you wrote. I, like many others here, also thought the first time my son went to detox/rehab, and was out three weeks later that it was all better. That was nine months ago. He relapsed one week later, and began a spiral downward into this nightmare. Three months later, I sent him down to Florida, to a long term treatment center. He's been there six months. It was a struggle for the first 2 1/2 months, he totally resisted treatment. It wasn't until they, as an intervention, threw him out into a homeless shelter for a few days, to see what he wanted for his life, that he truly got it. This past week, he graduated the program, and moved into a halfway house, and plans on staying down there until he gets his act together.

I'm totally proud of the work he has done, and I know now that this is going to be a life long struggle for him. Please find help for yourself, so that you can learn and get as much support for yourself. You'll need it.

My prayers our with you.

Ann

Prayers going out for you and your daughter, Claudia.

I too thought 30 days at rehab would end the nightmare and we would all live happily ever after. How heart breaking the reality is of relapse and revolving door of recovery.

Miracles happen every day and we never know when or to whom they will fall.

I have seen "hopeless" addicts find a better path and I have seen "healthy recoveries" disappear in a bad moment, but I hold hope in my heart for every addict because they CAN get better, they CAN live a healthy life again.

Hugs to you because you sound like you need a few.

helpus

Sending prayers & comforting thoughts. I am soo sorry for what you are going through. It is devistating to watch your child struggle with addiction. My daughter is a recoviering herion addict. She is 23 & next month will be clean for 2 years. It took her some time to find her way. She had been in detox, in patient, out patient, halfway house...but finally she got it. I hope things fall into place for your daughter soon. Keeping your family in my thoughts & prayers.

outtolunch

My daughter, no longer living at home, became addicted to heroin at 19. She asked for my help and we gave it to her.

She was in three different rehabs and returned home and relapsed afterwards.

I gave her the choice, homelessness or sobriety.

She chose the latter, detoxed at home and thus far remains clean.

Every single one of her dope pals is now either dead or in prison.

This makes it far more challenging to deny the consequences of addiction.

I hope for her sake, it's good enough. If not, I'll give her the same choice, again. If she steals from me, I will call the Police. If she is arrested for anything, I will not hire a lawyer. And if she is imprsisoned, I am not going to send her cigs, money or visit.

I will not tolerate active addiction. It's my mantra.

Spiritual Seeker

Sorry mom, I know your struggle as I have lived it. It is heart-wrenching.
What I know is that I was not able to have a front-row seat to my son's addiction.
Therefore, he was not allowed to live in my home.

I found him a treatment center 3 times. This last one lasted one full year inpatient and now 6 more mos. outpatient. He is sticking with it which means at 24 he is willing to go the necessary length to get sober. His decision was helped by the fact that he had burned through jobs, friends, a girlfriend and his mom. Rehab became his best option.
There seems to have to be a fair amount of wreckage before recovery works.

As hard as it is, sometimes our best option is to get out of the way of the free-fall to allow them to get low enough to want recovery.
We also have to get out of the way to restore ourselves to sanity.

357girl

I wish I was where many of you are today. Thanks for giving me some hope tonight. I am still really sad but I am trying to make myself feel better, even if its only for a few minutes, by coming on in here and reading and re-reading. My husband and I helped a friend move this evening and that took my mind off her for a few hours, but on our way home I had tears streaming down my face while I stared out the window. It seems like just yesterday that she was this little girl who had to hold my hand to fall asleep. After her dad and I divorced, I was a very happy single mom for 12 years and all I had was her and all she had was me. She was the best thing that ever happened in my life. She was so beautiful and healthy and today she looked like a complete stranger. A pale thin 5 foot 3 zombie. I did give her that letter and in it told her that her addict needed to leave by the end of the month and that it was her addict who was not welcome in this house. It's sad because she really has no where to go, no girlfriends and no family near us. Her anxiety is always so bad that everything annoys her and I think that really turns people off from her. She will sleep in her car, but the alternative is to have her use and live here and steal from us, although we really have nothing left for her to steal and she has nothing else left of hers to pawn. I just hope I can stick with that boundary of making her leave. I don't feel very strong in that department. Claudia

Spiritual Seeker

The choice to become homeless is hers.

At my son's treatment center he was breaking rules so they kicked him out.They drove him to the nearest big city 90 min. away and dropped him at a homeless shelter with a 10 min. calling card.
He called and all I told him was I hoped he'd make good decisions. I offered nothing.
There were no beds available at the shelter, so he slept in the parking lot . The next day he called the treatment center and begged to come back. They drove and picked him up with one more chance. That was the turning point he needed to see where his choices were leading him.

As parents, we know when we set a boundary it is best to follow through.
Wishing you the courage and strength to do what you think is right.

rozied

Dear Claudia, My name is Diane & my son became addicted to coke when he was 21. He had his own apt. by then and a good job. His roommate called me to tell me he had a problem with coke, that was how I found out. I knew that the only way to help him was not to help but that didn't stop me from trying anything & everything I knew to get him to stop. Finally he got arrested for shop lifting & wanted me to bail him out. I told him no way & I meant it. Well my parents were very involved in his life as I had been a single parent from the time he was 10yrs old. So behind my back they went & bailed him out. That started yrs of them helping him. Did it help...........absolutely not. He is now 42 yrs old & has been in & out of jail the last 8yrs like a revolving door.
Claudia since I have been coming to SR I have seen the kids that do get well have the parents who are the toughest. With this disease of addiction all the help in the world only makes things worse & prolongs the disease. IMHO the best thing you can do is toughen up & don't enable him. Put him in a position that either he gets help or he is on his own. You don't want to be coming here 20yrs from now.

winnie12

I read your post yesterday and just couldnt respond yet. What you are writing now I know could be the exact post that i write a year from now after my 16 yo son is out of rehab. Your words were one of my nightmares . I know this because i finally realize that this is a journey not a sprint. i know that the odds are my son will relapse several times before and if he ever really gets clean. there are no fixes for them or us - its something that we have to work on daily.

I was in a codie/addict relationship with my AS dad over 15 years ago - i thought i had it licked when i ended the relationship. But here i am with yet another addict in my life and relearning all those things i thought i got back then. I know now that if we dont learn a lesson in life it is repeated until we finally master it.

I dont know what to say except you are not alone.

helpformyson

Dear 357Girl,

Like you and all the mothers of addicts, my heart is shattered in a million pieces and will not be whole again until my child is healthy. I threw my 22 year old son out 3 x's until I finally said no more. He has been in jail 3 x's. I bailed him out because his attorney advised me to. The third time his father called me and told me not to bail him out. I agreed. The next day his father bailed him out. (I note that his father is also an alcoholic and drug user). He now has another outstanding warrant. He has burned up his $35K collage fund in drug related issues. I finally had to let go and told him that I did not want to hear from him until he decided to move in a positive direction. I told him that I would help him in his recovery, but he was not going to drag me down with him. I struggle with my decision everyday. I miss him terribly and can't stop thinking if I made the right decision. I am perpetually sad and it affects me tremendously (crying all the time). However, I spoke with an addiction psychiatrist a couple of days ago and he told me that I had indeed made the right decision. As mothers, we never want our children to hurt and try to protect them at all costs. But upon doing so, we do not allow them to suffer the consequences of their bad decisions. So, my heart continues to wrestle with my mind.

Freedom1990

Yes, it is sad, but she made the choice that put her in this position. She has the tools to get clean and stay clean, and yet she made the choice to return to active addiction.

My oldest AD has grown up around the rooms of recovery since the age of 8 (I went through rehab in '86).

She's now 31 and continues to make poor choices. Those choices have landed her in jail numerous times and having a felony record. Those choices cost her a marriage. Those choices have ended up in her having her children taken away from her, thank God. Those choices have landed her in a psych ward after she overdosed. Those choices have alienated her from family. Those choices have gotten her kicked out of rehab because she thought it was her own personal bed and breakfast.

She is responsible for her actions.

I have not one ounce of pity for her, not one. There is no valid excuse for her not seeking recovery other than she doesn't want it. End of story.