Angelic17

Wow Freedom, I wish I could be like you. You seem strong. But your right. 100%

Freedom1990

I got to where I am after allowing myself to be her personal doormat over and over and over. When she sucked my then 15 year old daughter into her sickness, helped her run away in the middle of the night with a 24 year old predator, convinced that 15 year old that if she turned herself in that social services would allow my 15 year to come live with her because I was 'crazy', that was when the mat got pulled up and thrown in the trash.

Don't ever underestimate the power of addiction. It can drag us to the brink of insanity too. I was real close.

357girl

Thank you once again everyone. Could you please tell me what you did when your addict was still living in your home, how did you communicate with him/her? I don't know if I should ignore her, act like nothing's wrong and say hello - good morning - how are you? Do I keep reminding her that the 28th is her last day? I just don't know how to relate to her now. It is 11am and she is sleeping after working at her new job until 2am. Of all places to work, she got a job as a waitress in a strip club. Her great decisions just never end. In the letter I wrote her, I told her that the 28th was the last day. I know she will lie to me and tell me she's not using so how do you prove it... did you buy a drug test and make them take it to prove it? One oddity, when she went to detox, the first UA came out positive for opiates and marijuana, but the second one, just a couple hours later (and by that time, probably 12 hours since she last used) came out negative. I found a box of "Quick Fix" in her room the other day which is something she puts in her urine and I'm guessing she is using it at IOP when they give her UA's. I did call them on Friday and tell them this. Since I'm not on consent to get her UA results, I just pay all the bills for it, I have no idea what the results have been. When she wakes up, she will shower and when I ask her what's she's up to, she will say "I am getting ready"... for what? The smaller problem at home is my husband. I know he wants her to leave and he is really angry that she is home and using. ='( Claudia

Freedom1990

Once I found out mine was using, she was out the door that day.

I can understand why your husband is angry.

Why are you paying the bills for her UAs?

357girl

I should correct that to say that the 2nd UA should took before admission to detox was negative for opiates, but still positive for marijuana, so the test was probably accurate. She has also told me, in the past, that her ex AB would take tests for his mom and amazingly, the opiates he took the night before would not show up.

suki44883

Lots of things can cause a false positive for opiates. One of my UA's during IOP for alcohol came back positive for opiates. I wrote about it here on SR because I was at a loss to understand why because I have never been a drug user. Turns out it was a false-positive.

357girl

It is my insurance that she falls under, we have paid the $600 deductible. We haven't even received claim activity from her rehab stay and the IOP that she is in now. The bill for 4 days in detox was $7k and we paid the deductible on that. =( That is what I meant by paying for her UA's, that it's my insurance and that I paid the ded. I did stop giving her money to put in her gas tank to get to IOP after she blew through an entire tank of gas in less than two days, my first clue that she had relapsed. But at the same time, I want to make sure she goes to IOP and it is 60 miles round trip. It's hard to show tough love, but I'm trying to get there. I know that my husband has every right to be angry and fed up wit her, I am angry too, but since she is my daughter, it is harder for me to just kick her out. I am just so new to all of this. I can be a real b**** about certain things, and I can cut stuff off, which I have. But kicking her out is the hardest part for me. The family counselor at her IOP and where she went to rehab, suggested that we follow through with the boundaries we set, and the one we set was that if she was not following her program, she would have to be out in 6 weeks, which was the 28th of March. So I'm following that, in HOPES that she will turn around by the 28th, but I know that is probably 99% false hope. But just maybe the 1% will hapen. I told her in the letter that she had until the 28th to find somewhere else to live so now I feel like I shouldn't say that she has to leave now. She has IOP tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday so MAYBE she will get back on her program. She is awake now and came in here to sit down with me. I re-iterated that I need proof that she is sober and that if she doesn't put me on consent at IOP to get her UA results while she is there tomorrow then I will know she is using, and, again, she has to be out on the 28th and I don't care where she goes, that it's not my problem, she just can't be here. I'm trying. =(

Angelic17

Claudia, I know this sounds mean, but you need to put her out. Nobody just stops using oxycontins, like it's nothing. It takes a great deal of work and effort, and if she isn't doing any of that, she is still using. DEFINITELY. The Job in the strip club is not going to help, because there will be plenty of drugs there to fuel her addictions. Also, the money that she makes there will be spent on drugs. You need to get tough real fast. Otherwise, your just prolonging her addiction. Actually, you are enabling her. Your not helping her by giving her a good home, with her own room, food, electricity,hot shower. Does she pay you rent, or provide any income to your household? She is an adult according to the law. She is older than 18. I wish you luck. I know what your going through. Been there, done that. Will never do it again. Peace and Innerpeace to you and your family. Angel

357girl

I wanted to give an update on my daughter and our family situtation. Today, she was kicked out of IOP. It was obvious to them she was using and she refused to take a UA for them. She was crying, denying, and in a very bad mood. She was sleeping when I went there to talk to her counselor. When it was all said and done, I never shed a tear (they came later). As she was getting in her car to leave rehab for the last time, I asked her if she would be willing to take a blood test to clear the air and prove that she was indeed clean from opiates. She told me that she didn't want to "now", that she didn't have time. So, I made the big step and told her to go home and pack her things and leave. She gave me a few choice words and then left. I took the rest of the day off from work. I wanted to stay away from the house for a few hours in case she was sleeping there. Honestly, I didn't trust myself to make her leave if I saw her again so I just felt it was better I didn't see her so I wouldn't cave in. My husband met me for a late lunch and suggested we go look at couches since our lovely dogs tore ours up one afternoon. Retail therapy was good for me. We bought a new couch and coffee table with some money in savings. When we got home, i was afraid to look in AD's bedroom because I didn't want the waterworks to start. I did poke my head in her bathroom and noticed that much of her stuff was out of it so I know she took me seriously.

I hope to get some sleep tonight, especially since she came home at 3am this morning and started doing laundry, opening and closing cabinets, walking up and down the stairs loudly and woke up the dogs and made them start barking. My husband (her stepdad) was SO friggin mad at her and let her know. We both got less than 4 hours sleep last night.

Anyway, that's my story. She's out. At least she has a car to sleep in. Tomorrow i have some volunteer work but I really feeling the need for an Al-Anon meeting so hopefully Wednesday. Amazingly, I feel a little bit relieved tonight.

Bye for now,
Claudia

Angelic17

Claudia, I am so so sorry that you are going through this with your beautiful girl. I know how painful this is for you, but your doing the right thing. She will be calling you again for help. I promise you this. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. She will run out of options, not that she has that many now. You need to stick to your guns. Change your locks on your house, whatever you have to do. She will find a place to sleep for a few days here and there, but then it's all going to fall apart for her. Nobody is going to let her live with them, while she is in active addiction. Unless of course it's another addict. And even then she is going to have to pay her own way. Nobody is going to support your daughter the way you did. She will learn very fast. I know, that's what it took for my son. I understand how hard it is for a mom to give tough love to her child. For me it was brutal, because I am so loving and giving, and my son is my only child. Only when I stopped giving, was he willing to change. Keep us posted on your daughter. I sure hope she gets her life right, and pulls herself together. She is young, and can still have a beautiful life, if she just realizes that using drugs, are not the answers to lifes problems. She needs to understand that using drugs, is what got her in this mess to begin with. I sure hope things work out in a positive way. God Bless You and your family.

Kallista

I'm on the other side of this. My mother is addicted to Oxycontin and won't give it up. I have no contact with her.

Not "no contact unless she gets sober" -- no contact. Period. It doesn't matter if she gets sober or not. We're done. I'm not using our relationship as a stick to try to force her into sobriety. If she chooses sobriety, she'll have to choose it for herself.

She overdosed and nearly died two years ago. I rushed her to the emergency room and watched them pump her full of Narcan. She nearly died. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was so frightened.

The next day I told her that she had to quit or we were through. She quit for around 14 months and then went back to using. She lied about her using for another 6 months or so. I then found out that she was using while she was with my children. She was also hustling prescriptions at local emergency rooms, along with a friend of the family.

My mother says she doesn't want to get sober. I say I don't want to have a relationship with an addict. I will not have a practicing addict around my children.

So... we have no relationship.

I don't have any advice for you. I didn't cause my mother's addiction. I can't cure it. All I could do is decide how much I could stand in the context of what my mother was willing to do or not do.

MyJoey

Hi Claudia,

I know this is really hard for you, I really know! Me and my husband have been at odds with how to treat my son. I think at this point you maybe wise to hand it over to him.
Another words let him tell her, enough is enough time to go. Men think with their heads while us woman, our hearts get in the way. No more paying for her testing, or other bills these are her bills, not yours. He will be doing the right thing, I know you both will hurt over this, but she is a smart girl give her a little credit. This will help her to see you mean what you say, and your not going to watch her do this to herself. It will also help her fall faster. I totally understand the stealing, the lying, OOO boy I have had all the same things going on in my house. Change the locks and don't let her have any keys, garage remotes any access to the house. She will try every trick in the book, but you have to remember the way she is right now she doesn't love you or your husband she is just looking for a way to use you to feed her addiction, don't let her have it. When it gets really tough pray like you never have before for strength, your higher power is there to help if you ask. You can do this just like many others here have and keep posting when it is hard, others are here to help you along the way. I know when my day comes this is the first place I will be and you will be posting to help me. Julie

Angelic17

Kallista, I understand your hurt and anger towards your mother's drug use, but there is something you need to understand. Your mom is an addict. It's not that she doesn't care about you or her grandchildren. She has a chronic disease that is resistant to treatment, and subject to relapse. It is a brain disease, and I guess what I am trying to say is, Love the addict, Hate the disease. My mother was an alcoholic. I stopped talking to her 3 years before she died. At that time I didn't understand addiction the way I do now. I was so angry at her for choosing alcohol over her children. I didn't understand at that time, that she needed help. I am so sorry that I didn't speak to her before she died. Your a part of your mom, and when she does go, you will feel the loss. At least I did. As long as she's alive there is always still hope. Maybe you and your kids, are what she needs to turn her life around, and realize she has a beautiful family to live for. Don't judge her. Pray for her. I judged my mom, and I learned, when you don't forgive, your not forgiven. God Bless You and your family. I hope your family heals.

357girl

MyJoey & Angelic...you both called it on changing the locks. It's amazing how our stories here are so much the same, just the names and faces are different as is our level of experience with the addicts in our lives. I just got home from work and noticed that my daughter's shower is wet, so I know she came home while we were gone. We don't have her house key and I don't want to speak with her or text her to ask for it. I'm still very worried that I will cave in if I open up communication with her. I wish she would have found somewhere else to take care of herself today. I guess it's time to change the locks. This is all so hard. At least I don't see her loaded or sleeping. I'd rather not know than know, I suppose. =( Claudia

357girl

Kallista, I lost my mother to her alcohol addiction when I was 11 years old. Towards the end, I was not the best daughter to her when she was alive, neither was my dad or my sister, and for this, I will NEVER forgive myself. I was so angry that she was always drinking and seemingly feeling sorry for herself. She killed herself in the next room, when my dad, sister and I were playing monopoly without her. I am 39 now and I think of her constantly. I dream about her and I wake up crying because I think she is alive in my dream and I wake up and she isn't. I hope you can learn to forgive her some day, before it's too late. I know she has hurt you, but she is still alive, and there is still hope to salvage your relationship, even if she is still in active addiction.

Freedom1990

I hope you don't mind me touching on this because my heart hurt for you. That's a heavy burden to be carrying after all these years.

I don't believe for one single solitary second that God hasn't forgiven you, so why do you continue to beat yourself up?!

I remember sitting at an AA meeting one night and had been flogging on myself mercilessly for two years about something, and an oldtimer sitting next to me turned to me and asked me why I thought I was better than God? He reminded me that God had long forgiven me, and in effect by continuing to beat up on myself internally, I was saying I was better than God.

That hurt, but he was so right.

I'm not judge, jury, and executioner, and neither are you.

You were 11, and you did the best you could with what you had at the time.

That little girl inside of you is still there, filled with pain. Embrace her, let her cry, and let her know you love her and forgive her!

I did, and it made all the difference in the world.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

MyJoey

Just be very careful because she knows your weakness and she is going to play you (girls are really good at this). You are going to have to stay firm, even if your crying when you tell her to leave, stand firm. Let her know you love her and will always love her, but she is not welcome in your home. I think you will find once she is gone you will cry at first, it hurts, but you will also feel a relief. It is easier when it is not in your face all the time.....kind of like that saying "what you don't know" don't get me wrong you will worry, but it is still easier when your not looking at it everyday. Julie

Kallista

I'm sorry that your situation with your family turned out the way that it did.

Your situation is not MY situation, though.

I think I've achieved a level of radical acceptance.

She is an addict. She is going to do certain things and act certain ways. I'm not willing to put up that conduct, and it makes me very, very unhappy to be around her. She endangers my children. She steals from everyone around her. She acts destructively towards other people. When she is angry, there is nothing that she will not do, including file false police reports.

I don't hate my mother, but I'm not willing to put up with her conduct. I used to hate her. When I hated her, I was still involved with her. Now it just makes me a little sad. I regret that the relationship is over. I really wish that I had a good relationship with my mother. It isn't going to happen, though. She isn't going to get sober. She has made that clear.

These are the facts. I can spend the rest of my life fighting that fact, or I can accept it and get on with my life.

I'm not looking for forgiveness. I'm not looking to forgive her. I've accepted what she is and what I am and I've made my choices accordingly.

"Don't go away mad, girl, just go away."

Angelic17

Kallista, I'm sorry that you have been so hurt by your mom's addiction. I guess I was wrong to say what I did. I am a big enough WOMAN to say IM SORRY. I was just going by what I read from your original post, and I didnt have all of the facts. You never mentioned stealing, amongst the other things, that your mother has done. I thought I would be doing the right thing, by helping you to understand your mom is sick, but unfortunately I hit a sore nerve with you. I'm really sorry that you took such offense, I didn't mean to offend you. I would never intentionally hurt somebody. My aim was for you to have some sort of peace and forgiveness with your mom. Since I had some similar circumstances with my mom, I thought maybe I could help you to see that addiction is a disease. I also understand that what's right for me, is not right for you, and that the facts are different from mine. I'm not an ignorant person, nor am I a GIRL. I am a grown woman, and able to admit, when I have done something incorrectly or wrong. I didn't know the facts about your mom's situation,and I apologize for that. You however are bitter and angry, and I feel sorry for you. I'm not looking to argue, and I sure don't expect you to forgive a person that you don't know, when you can't forgive your own mother. Just remember in life, you reap what you sow, I wish you nothing but peace and love in your life. If you read closely you will see how many times I said sorry. I continue to learn every day. My mind is open and always learning. Thanks for helping me to open my eyes. I take this as another learning experience. Wishing you a healing. Expecting more negativity. Peace

Serenity Bound

Claudia, Yes it is very hard to turn your AD out. Been there & done that. Yep, changed the locks on the doors also. You know the saying "steal (hurt) me once shame on you,
steal (hurt) me twice shame on me"

Today my AD has 4 months clean (DOC crack).......did that happen over night.....h!ll no, but it can happen. So each day I turn her over to her HP.

Sending you hugs from one mom to another.
Chris