rozied

You are sooo right Cessy.

Angelic17

Rozied, I'm thinking that you are helping the mother of your grandchildren. How sad for those kids that their mom is addicted to heroin. Your grandchildren are the key between your son and her. Look at it as a kind gesture, but in the future, you sure can say NO, without feeling guilty, or like a bad person. From my experience with addiction, there probably will be a next time, and it is OK to say NO. She's not your responsibility, but if she gets well as a result of your kindness, what a gift for your grandchildren. God Bless

Chino

Erik, a former neighbor, taught me that lesson when he was 16 years old and I was 31. His dad had been going on and on about everything they had to do for him, how much it cost, etc., (Erik was low maintenance btw), then Erik said, "I didn't ask to be born."

That was a very very humbling moment for me. It took a little while longer to learn the lesson, though. He taught me a few important things before he died at 21 from an aneurysm. RIP.

greeteachday

I really liked what you said too, Cessy. I try to do a motivation check when I find myself wanting to do something; give something, etc. Is it from the kindness of my heart or do I have ulterior motives. When I got honest with me, I felt a bit ashamed for a bit as I discovered I had often had ulterior motives. Those little checks were how the reality hit me that I had big issues with control. Never thought myself a control freak...those are those whiny women who are always telling people what to do, lol. Wrong...it's not only those folks...I did my control thing in a quiet way....usually doing and doing again for others, then resenting them for all I did. Geez. I'm so glad my martyr days are for the most part behind me (that's why I keep coming back...to make sure I don't slip back to old habits)

Expectations are premeditated resentments...I have learned to truly appreciate that little saying.

Our recovery is tough work Rozied, but so rewarding...I'm so proud of you as you keep moving forward and bringing the focus back to you. Remember what you said...You are a person in your own right...a truly wonderful person and not just an extension of your adult children.

Ann

Rozied, I know how you felt when this all was happening because I have been there. Especially the girlfriend from hell thing, when I wanted so much for her to stay out of his/MY life. I tried to let it go but my adrenaline just started pumping every time I saw her/heard of her/thought of her...I owned that part, my adrenaline/panic/anxiety over what was not mine to control.

It was hard to let go, it took time, but it happened. Today when I look back I can clearly see that for every girlfriend from hell was a bad choice by my son (who was no prize himself at the time). Sick attracts sick, and until they work recovery and become healthy, they will continue to attract and be attracted by "sick" people. And we can't do a dang thing about it except pray for all of them.

Sending big hugs Rozied, your recovery didn't fall apart, you just had a bad moment and we all have those. Coming here and sharing it was a healthy thing to do and I hope you know how much we all care.

Sending prayers for the "sick" people and special prayers for their mamas. You're a good lady Rozied, may your kind heart never turn to stone.

Hugs and Love

devastated

Shoot, I wonder how my son missed that gal!! Sounds like my son's first wife, second, third, fourth and fifth girlfriend!! LOL

Nice gal. Sure wish I could be her good friend! Kidding!

Hugs, Devastated

outtolunch

And so......

helpformyson

Dear Rozied,
Your son must be a very kind soul. But at some point, he has to realize that the destructive behavior of his ex is detrimental to the children and that should be his first concern....not her. She has made the choice of not wanting to be a positive role model and mother to her children. Sounds to me that the only thing that she is able to contribute to your son and their children, is heartache. Also the revolving door relationship can not be good for the kids. I know your heart aches to see your son and his children hurt. Your son will eventually get sick of her behavior, but he has to make the decision without your input. Unless of course, the children are at risk. Hang in there, it is right around the corner. Take care of yourself.

mooselips

Rozied,
I have one thing to say for your son...he is a compassionate soul. But then again, it's easier to be compassionate when it's someone elses dime.


This was all of your doing. Unfortunately I have been there, giving out moolah when I shouldn't have.
We need to get to a point, Like Dev, and just say NO and mean it.

Your son, like mine is 35. My son will not get another penny from me for any reason whatsoever. I have been duped out of $10's and $20's forever.
NO MORE.

The age of 35 is an adult, regardless of addiction. It's time for them to take responsibilty, and pay their own way.

Hey...maybe they'll get remarried? JUST JOKING!!!!!

Love ya sweetie...

BBD

I wish we could all be sitting somewhere together cause this thread could bring on hours of conversation. Co-dependant, compassionate, controlling, kind, caring~~~~whatever. If our children weren't addicts would be questioning all this. My sister's daughter lives in SanDiego, has a job and my sister is still paying for her vechile expenses and sending her money for extras....her son is living in SD also `looking for a job. She is helping him. So, just because we have addicts for kids mean we have to stop being who we are?? I understand NOT helping the addict but it sure is hard changing ourselves with others. Thats what I'm battling now. This whole addiction thing is changing me. I find myself questioning me every time I do something nice for others.....should I have done that????????????? Put the coffeee on~ we need to talk..Bonnie

kj3880

Ya know, I can kind of understand this one Rosie...I'm pretty hardened against the "helping tendencies" right now...but that situation might have got me to help too. I mean, there are your grandkids, the mom is there...ugh. It was a difficult choice to make, and I'm not sure that you did so bad in this situation.

If she really was going to rehab. I've had addicts ask for money to get to rehab, only to find out later "The beds were all full, so I ended up spending it on a hotel room"...yeah right.

If you want to feel better about this, you could just say, "well, son, this was a one-off, one-time, special situation that brought out my codieness. I'm not going to help ever again with her. And I want my $ back when you get to working again!" And stick to that. And then try to feel good about doing the best you can.

Say a prayer that maybe your choice actually make a difference, that this woman will really get into recovery this time, as unlikely as that seems, and just move on from it. You're a good person, and sometimes we do end up helping. And sometimes that's OK. As long as you wanted to help. If you didn't, then you may need to work on the No thing. Either way, I hope it works out.

Love,
KJ

rozied

Thanks everyone. Oh Bonnie I would love to be close enough that we could really put on the coffee. Yes she was admitted to an in patient rehab. She went right into a Detox Unit. Chris & his friend Rob drove her there. Yes I was btw a rock & a hard place. If I wouldn't have given him the gas money she would have been stuck at his house.

splendra

Bottom line((((rozied)))))is you are a good person no need to beat yourself up over this.