catecicc

In getting so wrapped up with my BF’s own use I didn’t realize how deep into his own addiction one of my closest friends was. It is with such heartache and regret that I admit he and I have lost touch since I left the area but nevertheless I always cared and thought about him. This friend lost his battle to addiction March 10th. I have to be honest I am still reeling from the loss. I sat with his family and friends over the past week and got angry and then sad and vice versa.

I sat at the wake with sheer hatred for the kid he was with when he died who opted to not call 911 but rather drive back to my friend’s parents’ house and tell them their son wasn’t feeling well. I almost choked him at mass. I have never felt so sad giving having to tell everyone at church about my childhood friend. I just wish they all knew him like I did.

I still do not have words for how I feel about the whole situation. I still cannot believe he’s gone. My friend had this infectious smile and an addicting laugh. I would sell my own soul to the devil to hear it just one more time. I wish I could’ve taken away his pain. I knew how badly he hurt. These are the “coulda”, “woulda”, “shouldas” that everyone says I cannot dwell on, but how do you not? I’m mad at him too. I’m mad that he thought that drugs were the only way to heal. I’m mad that it took him passing for him to see how much he really was loved.

And then I come back to my own life and attempt to put the pieces back together. And I question how I can do that when my other half is also an addict? He was back on the drugs the day I found out about my friend and left me alone till 3 am. He didn’t come back for the wake and funeral with me and it wasn’t until yesterday that he finally showed concern. Since then I haven’t heard from him then. I feel like a fool. Why can I not let go. I long to have one back and one to leave me alone. God truly works in mysterious ways. I only hope that He forgives me for all my bad and can help me through this.

rozied

Dear Cat, You cannot save anyone from themselves. When you've had enough you'll let go. When you see how his actions affect your own behaviour, when you act out in ways totally unlike you, you will know its time to let go. When his behaviour brings out the worst in you, you'll let go.

Freedom1990

First of all, I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your friend. All the emotions you are feeling are normal with such a loss.

Where do you want to go with your life, hon? The loss of your friend clearly demonstrates just how powerless any of us are over addiction.

We can only save ourselves. We can't save the addict.

:ghug :ghug

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, and like Freedom says, the feelings your going through are completely normal. Be gentle with yourself.

As far as your bf, only you will know when you've had enough. The "beginning of the end" with my first XABF (yeah, I had 3), was when he wasn't there for me when my 18-year-old stepsister was killed in a car wreck. This was 4 years after he was too hungover to show up at my MOM'S funeral, and he adored my mom. Funny thing, though, when HIS dad died, I drove 6 hours to be there for HIM. It took all of that, and more, for me to finally reach my bottom.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

I'm sorry for your loss.......
you can only care for you at this point-- think about how much you treasure life, now that you have experienced a signifigant loss, and try to love you, and take care of you.
love
cess:ghug2

catecicc

I agree with all of you and thank you for your responses. To be honest, I'm still reeling from the loss that I haven't been able to even think about dealing with my boyfriend. I need to take care of me first. Life is too short and the loss of my friend has even further proved that to me. It's such a battle to deal with someone that loves a substance more than you.

imallright

Cate.... That is what the others are trying to say... IMO. Take care of you, hon. I am so sorry you lost your friend and yes, life is short. Like freedom, I went threw tons of Junk with EXH before I hit bottom. You have had your eyes opened, now don't be afraid to keep looking and moving forward.

sailorjohn

I can't offer any advice there, I know I can't do it, lord knows I've tried.

Have come to believe it's precisely like addiction itself, we don't let go until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My condolences over the loss of your friend.

MyJoey

Sending love and support, I am so sorry. Sad thing is we don't understand addiction and why the ones we care about do this to themselves. There is nothing you could have done that would have stopped this. Just like nothing we can say here, will take away your sadness and loss, but I hope knowing we care helps. :ghug

breakingfree88

I'm very sorry to hear what is going on in your life right now. I can't imagine how you feel. Just know that I'm thinking about you and please keep us updated. Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing.
Love,
Holly

hope213

i am sorry for your lost & pray for peace for you. hugs,

catecicc

I will never understand the pull toward a substance. I know that I cannot continue to help someone who does not want to be helped. Each day that has passed since my friend's death, my BF has proved that to me more and more. The biggest challenge is the fact that I still care so much. A good friend said something interesting to me yesterday. She told me, "It's not that I doubt that M loves you, it's just that he doesn't have the capacity to love you in the way you need to be and deserve to be loved". That rings true and haunts me.

My BF has problems that he used drugs to forget about and now the drugs have become the problem on top of that problem. I cannot bear that weight. I am strong, just not strong enough for the two of us.