janet1965

I was sitting here thinking and reading a sticky. and all at once it hit me. HARD TO!!! My first husband abused drugs and me. My second relationship after my divorce was worse, he did harder drugs, more abusive. My second husband was bi polor, abusive mentally. My BF now is an addict,bi polor, and has mentally abused me. Do you see a pattern Here? WOW!!! I'M A MAGNET!!! I'M A MAGNET!!!! Oh wait i'm not done. My best friend is bi polor and is a alcoholic. and so is my sister. when i finished school to become a nurse. guess where i started ? hospital phyc ward for addiction and mental health. Do you see a pattern? or is it a cycle i need to break?

GiveLove

It took some personal counseling for me to figure out why I kept repeating this pattern. For me, it was because those relationships felt "normal" after my crazy-making, hyperdramatic, substance-abusing life. I subconsciously sought it out because it matched what I was used to. For you it might be a different reason. If you're interested in changing your pattern, you might try counseling to get at the heart of things. Good luck!

kj3880

Time to bring the focus of your life back to you. When I find myself engaging in relationships (or "attracting" them) with unhealthy people, I notice that there is usually some glaring problem in my own life that needs my focus. What do you need to do for your recovery today. What problems in your own life need your attention now?

Love,
KJ

Freedom1990

Pattern or cycle, it's semantics, no?

My sponsor once pointed out the common denominator in all my dysfunctional relationships...me!

That is where the work needed to be done.

NeedingHelp7

janet,

I have had the same revelation about myself, and I grieve because of it.

A few of my relationships were drug addicts/alcoholics before coming to know my HP.

I dated a guy whom I met in a support group 16yrs ago, he ended up almost killing me when I wanted to break up with him because he relapsed. He was also schizophrenic and didn't tell me.

After many years of staying single, but lonely. I thought I was out of the woods, doing good. Then I met another one in a support group, I was very careful. My only places of meeting people was support groups and church. We had a lot in common. We had alot of fun together, talked for hours. I friendship dated him for 2 yrs, got engaged and married in the 3rd year, had a son together. I'm at this point happier than ever. Then the 3rd yr of our marriage he disappeared after his psych appt one afternoon, I didn't see him for 2 days.
I was calling everywhere frantic. One of his friends told me he probably relapsed. I couldn't believe it. 2 days later I got a call he was at the hospital. I got to the hospital, he admitted to crack and being with a prostitute. That was the beginning of our crumbling marriage, our son was only 3yrs old (this being the 3rd child he's left under the age of 3, and his 3rd marriage, but I think he was just the greatest guy with such a great recovery). I was determined our marriage and family wasn't going to be broken because of this, and allowed him back home. He did it again 1 1/2 yrs later. He's been out of our home since. And he's been a mess since. In between he's on many pills. Heartbreaking.

What I have realized through this is my pattern/cycle. What attracts me to someone whom without knowing it, is going to hurt me, do drugs, and not be there for us? I've got a problem.

Thanks for starting this thread.

NH7

winnie12

I saw my pattern many years ago. A humble suggestion - try to look at it from the other side - instead of thinking of yourself as a magnet that they are attracted to maybe switch the polarity and realize that its you that's attracted to them. This realization in myself was huge for me. I was a willing party in all of my relationships - I wanted them as much if not more than they wanted me. I was trying to fill that hole in myself with disfunctional people. I felt that someone with a lot of problems wouldnt judge me, would need me, would love me. I thought if I could love these broken people with no reservations that they would also love me, a broken person, in the same way. But I always ended up with people who were not capable of love - they needed me but i dont think any of them ever really loved me.

Godsgirl

Hey Jan, I agree with Winnie...I think with my bad relationships I have tried to fill a hold of low self esteem that stemmed from childhood and pre-adult incidents that ruined my self worth...my parents were never even aware of how things affected me with the incidents that happened at an early age....one of them being singled out in a group of kids from the neighborhood creep who would drive by a group of kids 10-12 walking home from school. It was around 1973...He had a candy apple red mustang...would slow it down along our group...call me out "hey you"....and sit and stare with the car idling..my friends snickering and whispering. He was very handsome with piercing green eyes but he was "evil" the way he made a comment about marrying me when I got older....glared at me in a sexual way and then drove off. It made me feel very afraid being 9 year old....This happened for months until I told my parents...my dad had a word with his parents and it stopped...but as I got older he would still jeer at me in passing.

Well really, I think I have had a pattern and cycle of choosing the wrong men to comfort me.

janet1965

I think i am trying to save the world on at a time. Deep down i know i can't, i Learned that recently. I can't save anyone, they have to save themselfs. if someone would have told me 16yrs ago i would become a nurse i would have told them they were crazy. It was after my dad got sick that i started working in a hospital and going to school to become a nurse. i wanted to fix or understand why my dad got so sick. he has a massive strock that left him in a veggitative state.i refused for him tog o in a nursing home so after yelling and putting my foot down.if was up to my brother and sister he would have been in a home. my mom and i took care of him at home. machines and all. my mom did a awesome job. in four years of being in a bed he never had one bed sore and was always clean. for 4yrs before he past away in the home he built for his wife and kids. maybe i want to fill that void of my father. I am not happy unless i am taking care of someone like i did my dad.
When my BF messes up. I always ask myself what am i doing wrong? IT'S NOT WHAT IM DOING IT'S WHAT HE'S DOING THATS WRONG!!! I'M GOING TO THERAPY!!!

kj3880

Therapy sounds like a good choice at this point. Maybe you should also become an RN and give all that care to people who really do need it!

KJ

winnie12

The airlines recommend that in the event of an emergency, you place the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you run out of oxygen before you have placed the mask on someone else you could both die. so i think getting ourselves healthy first is key to being able to help anyone. in the process sometimes once we've had our own healthy dose of oxygen we find that the other person has succeded in finding their own.

CoDieNOmore

My patterns are been in my face lately. Married a guy @ 18 because I did not want to hurt his feelings... Married another guy so he could stay in the states and get life saving meds. Quit school to support his studies. (witch he never did) Stayed with a active drunk for 7 years because I did not want him to loss his business.. Again dropped out of school to run HIS business. And now I'm with a guy that is in SLAA and I'm having some major trust issues... But again, the only thing in commen is me.... I don't even know where to start but going to counseling sounds like a good start.
I'm so glad I found this site....... but at the same time a lot of what I'm reading is very painful because so much of it are my own issues.....

janet1965

I feel like i am going to Disneyland! a new adventure to find ME ME ME!!!!! lol
KJ i was a RN for 10 years. i loved my job but made a mistake and i am sorry i did it. I felt working on a med floor was not enough and i was board so someone told me to transfer to the ER. Well a year later i was walking out the door telling myself i can't do this anymore. My charge nurse walked up to me and said suck it up keep your heart out of it. earlier that night There was a little boy brought in for child abuse. he didn't make it. i was one of the ones working on him. his mom said he fell down the steps, they let her walk out the door and did nothing. i just couldn't do it anymore.
anyway, hi ho hi ho off to therapy i go...

cessy68

[QUOTE=janet1965;2155043] WOW!!! I'M A MAGNET!!! I'M A MAGNET!!!! QUOTE]

Hey Janet,

Just wanted to add a personal theory of mine... after doing alot of reading, soul - searching, and school I have come up with something that I believe is true.... (and I believe it with my heart and soul)

There are certain laws of the universe--- quantum physic experts even study this ----

what we put 'out' is what we get 'in'........

regardless if we are even concious about what messages we are giving out to people or places......

we are drama (inside ourselves)---- we end up with drama people, employeers etc.

It comes back to one of the principles taught here on SR..... work on us!!!

Lots of love,
Cess

Serenity Bound

I love the sound of that.....Janet saying.....I'm going to do it for ME!

GiveLove

Wow, I wonder what a recovering codependent disneyland would LOOK like? Only WE can ride the rides? (Anvil, you gotta watch what you say around me, my little gerbil-wheel brain starts going...)

Janet, counseling ROCKED my world. It was great.

janet1965

codependent disneyworld is full of positive, world changing, self esteem,finding yourself, reality giving, peace rides that is never ending for all who want to ride to finding youself. Yes only we can ride the rides!! and its just a phone call, appointment away! I got my appointment!!!

Freedom1990

I swear, I felt a little breeze clear over here with that gerbil-wheel whirling!

outtolunch

Just curious, where do you meet these men?

janet1965

I met my BF at duckin donuts. LOL I don't go there anymore. i go to starbucks...LOL

kj3880

in CodieDisneyLand--
1. Admission is free because all of us are bankrupt from our As leaching off of us
2. There is no roller coaster, cause we had enough on the emotional one.
3. If you ride the Merry-Go-Round, you'll finally learn that it only gets you right back where you started...lol