Too Much Info
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
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MyJoey - thank you, I know you of everyone here understands me and my situation and it helps me more than you know just to know you're on my side.
Nallabelle, my son is 16 - he's in rehab so not using but would if he were in the real world. The condom thing - we'll that's just a personal choice i made well before my son even hit puberty and probably a conversation for another thread. in no way do i see it as enabling. He talked to me shortly after he lost his virginity and it was the best choice for him - i feel strongly about giving my kids honest information and dont just expect them to submit to abstinence just because that's what i would like. I'd rather give them honest tools then live in a dream world that they wont have sex. I've seen entirely too many 14 and 15 yo kids with babies over the last two years so I'm realistic about that. He knows i dont condone it but I also dont want to be raising a grandchild or adding another medical condition on top of the ones he already has.
For the religion suggestion - my kids have been raised in church. God has been a huge part of my and their lives. I was his sunday school teacher for 6 years of his life and was a leader and very active in the youth ministry in our church so he was tought morals - he just didnt choose that path.
It is possible to do everything the way your "supposed" to and still end up with these problems.
Nallabelle, my son is 16 - he's in rehab so not using but would if he were in the real world. The condom thing - we'll that's just a personal choice i made well before my son even hit puberty and probably a conversation for another thread. in no way do i see it as enabling. He talked to me shortly after he lost his virginity and it was the best choice for him - i feel strongly about giving my kids honest information and dont just expect them to submit to abstinence just because that's what i would like. I'd rather give them honest tools then live in a dream world that they wont have sex. I've seen entirely too many 14 and 15 yo kids with babies over the last two years so I'm realistic about that. He knows i dont condone it but I also dont want to be raising a grandchild or adding another medical condition on top of the ones he already has.
For the religion suggestion - my kids have been raised in church. God has been a huge part of my and their lives. I was his sunday school teacher for 6 years of his life and was a leader and very active in the youth ministry in our church so he was tought morals - he just didnt choose that path.
It is possible to do everything the way your "supposed" to and still end up with these problems.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by dorton 
Is it necessary for loved ones to know everything? This is something I struggle with my AS in in rehab and should be home end of April. He has not come clean with us about exactly what he has done. Is it a necessary part of their recovery to know all and if he doesn't choose to share will that mean his recovery is less than complete?
As far as meaning my recovery was less than complete, not hardly. I celebrated 18 years clean/sober in August of last year.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Winnie- Im sorry, I wasnt trying to criticize you or your parenting with the condom thing. I am 10 years older than your son though and most of my friends (when i was a teen) whose parents provided condoms were more nonchalant about sex than the ones whose parents didnt. Look I had sex before marriage too at 18. Lucky for me, I married him.
In my parenting (and I am new the the game, my daughters are 2 and 4 with one more on the way) I have followed closely the advice of psychologist John Rosemond. He claims, that you can do "everything right" with your kids, but being the human beings that they are, can still choose to make the wrong choices; free will. It sounds like you did the best job you knew how. You provided your son with the proper guidence and tools to become a productive member of society, and a man. Your son is still young--16 is a hard age. It is by no means too late for him. Just be careful and remember that it wasnt until my parents stopped enabling me, that I made it (not saying thats what youre doing, just saying). That doesnt mean you cant still guide him. And that doesnt mean that forcing him to be accountable and responsible ("make your bed and lie in it") would be easy.
When will he come home? I would introduce him to this site- the substance abuse board could REALLY help him. It helped me and I believe at least in part, I am clean today because of it.
My heart aches for the mothers on this board. Please do your best to focus on your own healing.
In my parenting (and I am new the the game, my daughters are 2 and 4 with one more on the way) I have followed closely the advice of psychologist John Rosemond. He claims, that you can do "everything right" with your kids, but being the human beings that they are, can still choose to make the wrong choices; free will. It sounds like you did the best job you knew how. You provided your son with the proper guidence and tools to become a productive member of society, and a man. Your son is still young--16 is a hard age. It is by no means too late for him. Just be careful and remember that it wasnt until my parents stopped enabling me, that I made it (not saying thats what youre doing, just saying). That doesnt mean you cant still guide him. And that doesnt mean that forcing him to be accountable and responsible ("make your bed and lie in it") would be easy.
When will he come home? I would introduce him to this site- the substance abuse board could REALLY help him. It helped me and I believe at least in part, I am clean today because of it.
My heart aches for the mothers on this board. Please do your best to focus on your own healing.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
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Nabelle - you should read some of my other threads - we've been going through this for a while and believe me i do leave him to his own consequences. I cant throw him out on the street at this age but i have had him arrested on several occassions so he takes me and my boundaries very seriously now. he's in court ordered rehab for 6-9 months and only has one month in so we have a long way to go. He's been in drug court for over a year now so we have had lots of counseling and i have been working very hard on my codie tendancies. I have quite a few months to get through more of my own personal recovery before he comes home - that is if he actually makes it through the program. if he doesnt make it through the program then chances are he'll spend the time in jail - that's his choice to make.
I understand we dont know each other well yet and your advice is welcomed especially since you have seen his side and may have a greater understanding of how his mind works. Its always good to have solid reminders of what we know so that we dont forget.
I understand we dont know each other well yet and your advice is welcomed especially since you have seen his side and may have a greater understanding of how his mind works. Its always good to have solid reminders of what we know so that we dont forget.
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He was there a few months ago and ran - ended up going back to jail for a month and then was on house arrest with an ankle montor for 6 weeks. He seems resigned that he has to go through this. Its been very difficult for him but so far he seems much more cooperative then the last time he was there. A lot of it seems to be that when he went back to jail the last time i didnt visit him - it wasnt to punish him it was just that i had enough of it and just left him alone for a while. The drug counselor there really felt that it had a major impact on him because he had finally run off the last person in the world he thought would ever leave.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Big hugs, Winnie.
I'm very sensitive to this issue as I personally have a hard time getting rid of images/thoughts once they're in my head. I'm working on not obsessing, but I still struggle with it. So, I know that I would prefer to not know all of what my son went (and is still) going through. If it helped me to know details, that would be one thing, but like Freedom said- it just causes me more pain and makes me take 2 steps back in my own progress/healing.
Sorry, I'm rambling... I mainly wanted to say that I can relate.
I'm very sensitive to this issue as I personally have a hard time getting rid of images/thoughts once they're in my head. I'm working on not obsessing, but I still struggle with it. So, I know that I would prefer to not know all of what my son went (and is still) going through. If it helped me to know details, that would be one thing, but like Freedom said- it just causes me more pain and makes me take 2 steps back in my own progress/healing.
Sorry, I'm rambling... I mainly wanted to say that I can relate.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Winnie,
I am going to wait on the call and posting, I am just in the same funk you are and need to get it off my mind for awhile. You know how it is, but thank you and I will take you up on that very soon. This morning I found a bag of Mushrooms and some weed in his car, before I knew it my husband was on the phone with the police, glad he called because I am not sure I would have. They will be coming this week to put him on the EM so I will have him home 24/7 except from 7-12 when he is in school. Joey has a court date April 6 and his probation officer told me all his test are back and everyone is recommending rehab, but it will be up to the judge what happens. 9 times out of 10 the judge will listen to the probation officers recommendations, I told her I thought a good 6 month program was just what he needed and she said they are asking for anywhere from 9-18 months most likely a year..........my heart just sank. To make it worse (not worse, but you know) she said most likely he will go straight from the court house to detention to wait for an opening to be placed. I know all this is what is needed to get him clean and the best thing for him, but WOW it hurts. I was not expecting a year long program it just floored me. I guess the silver lining here is that since he will be home on the EM he is going to make my life hell and soon I will begging them to take him, god works in mysteries ways . LOL Well for today it is going to be 60 degrees outside with beautiful sunny skies I am going to just try and enjoy the day and get this all off my mind, I hope you can do the same. This sure wasn't what we had in mind when we decided to become parents. (((((hugs for us and all who have a loved one who is an addict)))))
I am going to wait on the call and posting, I am just in the same funk you are and need to get it off my mind for awhile. You know how it is, but thank you and I will take you up on that very soon. This morning I found a bag of Mushrooms and some weed in his car, before I knew it my husband was on the phone with the police, glad he called because I am not sure I would have. They will be coming this week to put him on the EM so I will have him home 24/7 except from 7-12 when he is in school. Joey has a court date April 6 and his probation officer told me all his test are back and everyone is recommending rehab, but it will be up to the judge what happens. 9 times out of 10 the judge will listen to the probation officers recommendations, I told her I thought a good 6 month program was just what he needed and she said they are asking for anywhere from 9-18 months most likely a year..........my heart just sank. To make it worse (not worse, but you know) she said most likely he will go straight from the court house to detention to wait for an opening to be placed. I know all this is what is needed to get him clean and the best thing for him, but WOW it hurts. I was not expecting a year long program it just floored me. I guess the silver lining here is that since he will be home on the EM he is going to make my life hell and soon I will begging them to take him, god works in mysteries ways . LOL Well for today it is going to be 60 degrees outside with beautiful sunny skies I am going to just try and enjoy the day and get this all off my mind, I hope you can do the same. This sure wasn't what we had in mind when we decided to become parents. (((((hugs for us and all who have a loved one who is an addict)))))
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Winnie, Hope you're having a better day today. My thoughts are with you. There are many things my AD did that I would have preferred not to know. And I'm sure that there is much more that I don't know.
Regarding, the condom/religious issues..............GAWD don't ya just get really annoyed with those who still DON'T GET IT. Addiction happens in ANY family and I would wager that 99.9% of all of those kids/adults who are addicted have come from families where they have been given very solid values.
Julie, if you need me, just call me.
Hugs & Prayers
Chris
Regarding, the condom/religious issues..............GAWD don't ya just get really annoyed with those who still DON'T GET IT. Addiction happens in ANY family and I would wager that 99.9% of all of those kids/adults who are addicted have come from families where they have been given very solid values.
Julie, if you need me, just call me.
Hugs & Prayers
Chris
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Im sorry but I have to disagree. I am an opiate addict and the vast majority of people (around here) on drugs did NOT come from a home where good morals and solid values were instilled. I know only one other person in a situation similar to mine.
Friends/family of addicts that come on THIS SITE are more likely to be the exception. If youre coming here, you obviously care and have good values.
But I do agree that drugs effect all classes and kinds of people. It is truly an epidemic.
Friends/family of addicts that come on THIS SITE are more likely to be the exception. If youre coming here, you obviously care and have good values.
But I do agree that drugs effect all classes and kinds of people. It is truly an epidemic.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by MyJoey
I guess the silver lining here is that since he will be home on the EM he is going to make my life hell and soon I will begging them to take him, god works in mysteries ways .
Keep focusing on the moment in front of you, hon. :ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Nallabelle
Im sorry but I have to disagree. I am an opiate addict and the vast majority of people (around here) on drugs did NOT come from a home where good morals and solid values were instilled. I know only one other person in a situation similar to mine.
Friends/family of addicts that come on THIS SITE are more likely to be the exception. If youre coming here, you obviously care and have good values.
But I do agree that drugs effect all classes and kinds of people. It is truly an epidemic.
Friends/family of addicts that come on THIS SITE are more likely to be the exception. If youre coming here, you obviously care and have good values.
But I do agree that drugs effect all classes and kinds of people. It is truly an epidemic.
I did come from a home where good morals and solid values were instilled.
Suffice it to say that addiction does not discriminate based on gender, ethnicity, religious preference, economic status, and a multitude of other factors.
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Originally Posted by MyJoey
This morning I found a bag of Mushrooms and some weed in his car, before I knew it my husband was on the phone with the police, glad he called because I am not sure I would have.
As for the house arrest - dang girl i pity you - its tough. Just remember I got through it and you can too
I found for me it was easier to just keep my distance as much as possible. Whatever you do follow every single rule the PO gives - you cant bend and let him get away with anything or he's not going to get it.
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i'm so sorry for your pain and the awful hurt of hearing the truth. i know what the sickness inside feels like....when we are so stunned and shocked that we feel seasick inside, nauseous for hours or days. this is what happens to us when the solid ground under us opens up.
things are turning, though, i think, winnie, for your family. very very slowly perhaps. but things are turning in a different direction. give God time to work it all out.
teens live in their own world and drugs or not, they always keep many secrets from their parents and do things the parents would be shocked to discover. don't fault yourself in any way, for you could not have known the truth.
somewhere in all of this there is a GOOD you will look back on and see. and you will marvel at the underlying wisdom of the universe and your higher power. no matter what happens, there is a reason for events unfolding as they are, even if you cannot know it. this is when we so need the second step, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
that power is permeating you and your son and your lives and if you surrender to whatever is happening today, with the belief that there is a reason and a greater good, then you will find some peace.
this is hard for me to do, too. but when i make the effort to improve my contact with God, then the nausea and the disturbance is quelled.
things are turning, though, i think, winnie, for your family. very very slowly perhaps. but things are turning in a different direction. give God time to work it all out.
teens live in their own world and drugs or not, they always keep many secrets from their parents and do things the parents would be shocked to discover. don't fault yourself in any way, for you could not have known the truth.
somewhere in all of this there is a GOOD you will look back on and see. and you will marvel at the underlying wisdom of the universe and your higher power. no matter what happens, there is a reason for events unfolding as they are, even if you cannot know it. this is when we so need the second step, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
that power is permeating you and your son and your lives and if you surrender to whatever is happening today, with the belief that there is a reason and a greater good, then you will find some peace.
this is hard for me to do, too. but when i make the effort to improve my contact with God, then the nausea and the disturbance is quelled.
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Winnie, I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. You are a strong woman, with an amazeing ability to 'handle' everything that has been put on your plate as a mom. You have been instrumental to me, in learning about addiciton/and the effects of the disease.
I wish I had info on how to say something comforting to you. As a mom, I know there probably isn't anything I could say 'to make me feel better' - if it were MY child.
Therefore, I just wanted you to know, I do care, and have great respect for you as a person who has touched my life............
You keep on smiling.... and I'll say some extra prayers for you this evening.
Love,
Cessy
I wish I had info on how to say something comforting to you. As a mom, I know there probably isn't anything I could say 'to make me feel better' - if it were MY child.
Therefore, I just wanted you to know, I do care, and have great respect for you as a person who has touched my life............
You keep on smiling.... and I'll say some extra prayers for you this evening.
Love,
Cessy
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Winnie,
House arrest has rules? I mean isn't house arrest pretty much it, what other rules go with it? Will he be aloud to have this girl he likes over, I know she is clean and about the only person I would let him have over.
House arrest has rules? I mean isn't house arrest pretty much it, what other rules go with it? Will he be aloud to have this girl he likes over, I know she is clean and about the only person I would let him have over.
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