What's wrong with me.............
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
What's wrong with me.............
My daughters went to spend Friday night with their father because it was his birthday -- as some may know, he moved out of our home 3 weeks ago.
He chose to bring another woman to dinner with him. Now, he did have the decency to ask them before hand (my youngest told me, "yeah, be he didn't ask if we minded if she stayed the night!"). He also went outside with my youngest boyfriend to have a ciggy at the restaurant. He told her BF that, "he would watch __________, she's JUST like her mother". He also told him the only reason he had the "new woman" around is to cook at clean. She was very angry and hurt.
Now, I'm not stupid -- you just don't leave a 30 year relationship and be hooked up 3 weeks after that -- obviously it was going on before.
I'm hurt on many levels -- of all the things he's done, said, lied about -- this one hurts the worst. It is someone I know. But I'm a big girl. I feel like he didn't consider the feelings of his girls at all in this equation -- not a surprise but still, nonetheless, I just want to scream.
I don't want him to have this "power" over me -- it's all I've been able to think of even though I have wwwaaay more pressing worries at the moment. How can I get this off my mind. I feel like the only way I can release it is to have a "conversation" with him. I know better than that. I know where that would lead. Argh!
He chose to bring another woman to dinner with him. Now, he did have the decency to ask them before hand (my youngest told me, "yeah, be he didn't ask if we minded if she stayed the night!"). He also went outside with my youngest boyfriend to have a ciggy at the restaurant. He told her BF that, "he would watch __________, she's JUST like her mother". He also told him the only reason he had the "new woman" around is to cook at clean. She was very angry and hurt.
Now, I'm not stupid -- you just don't leave a 30 year relationship and be hooked up 3 weeks after that -- obviously it was going on before.
I'm hurt on many levels -- of all the things he's done, said, lied about -- this one hurts the worst. It is someone I know. But I'm a big girl. I feel like he didn't consider the feelings of his girls at all in this equation -- not a surprise but still, nonetheless, I just want to scream.
I don't want him to have this "power" over me -- it's all I've been able to think of even though I have wwwaaay more pressing worries at the moment. How can I get this off my mind. I feel like the only way I can release it is to have a "conversation" with him. I know better than that. I know where that would lead. Argh!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
I, too, have had a husband leave. It took me 8 years to get over it.
Things that helped.
Instead of "conversations" with him, I wrote letters (many) that I didn't send. This not only helped me release emotion, but it also helped me examine my own warped thinking.
I got busy doing things for me. I realized that what I missed most was loving myself, not his "love" because he was never very loving anyway.
Sometimes I punched a pillow until it was a mess.
I attended grief workshops and spent time with friends.
There is also a book, The way of transition by William Bridges that helped me understand having to not only grieve the loss of what was, but also let go of my inner attachments. Things like my "identity" as a married person vs. being single.
It's a long road, but the wonderful thing is that at the end of it you get to find yourself. I wouldn't trade my journey for anything - I found my Self and with or without him, I am good.
God Bless and prayers that you find answers that work for you.
Things that helped.
Instead of "conversations" with him, I wrote letters (many) that I didn't send. This not only helped me release emotion, but it also helped me examine my own warped thinking.
I got busy doing things for me. I realized that what I missed most was loving myself, not his "love" because he was never very loving anyway.
Sometimes I punched a pillow until it was a mess.
I attended grief workshops and spent time with friends.
There is also a book, The way of transition by William Bridges that helped me understand having to not only grieve the loss of what was, but also let go of my inner attachments. Things like my "identity" as a married person vs. being single.
It's a long road, but the wonderful thing is that at the end of it you get to find yourself. I wouldn't trade my journey for anything - I found my Self and with or without him, I am good.
God Bless and prayers that you find answers that work for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
A gentle question: Why would you think these hurtful things he does should mean something is wrong with you?
There is nothing wrong with you for feeling hurt, or abandoned, or for wanting a fulfilling relationship.
Remember not to equate feeling lousy with being low-worth. They are two unrelated things.
Hugs,
CLMI
There is nothing wrong with you for feeling hurt, or abandoned, or for wanting a fulfilling relationship.
Remember not to equate feeling lousy with being low-worth. They are two unrelated things.
Hugs,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
I agree with what's been said so far. I also was reminded of THIS post from the "stickies" section. As long as you stbxh is in active addiction, denial, etc., he's got that mentality, and the feelings of others are not important to him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Timetogo,
I just ended a 10 year relationship because my bf was active again with his addiction. He was also getting involved with a woman who stalked him in the past and caused tremendous upset in our relationship.
When I discovered he was abusing his suboxone (a drug to help him get off pain meds) was the same time I discovered he was texting and talking to this woman, even sent her a text telling her he loved her and her responding, I know I know and I love you with all my heart.
I was hurt beyond hurt, and all my insecurities rose to the surface. I was feeling not good enough feeling like he picked someone else over me. That someone else was going to get that great man I fell in love with 10 years ago. I was overwhelmed with self doubt, my self esteem plummeted and I floating in a pool of self pity.
Well I climbed out of that pool, dusted myself off put my big girl pants on and realized how lucky I am and how STRONG I am to have gotten off the train before it crashes.
I am not the woman running alone side that train desperately trying to get on board, that’s this other woman. I had the best of him; she’s getting the rest of him. She is getting a weak man who is an active addict, a lying, selfish, confused, pill popping jonesing pathetic shell of the man I first fell in love with.
I am his addiction’s anti Christ and she is exactly what his addiction needs. A weak desperate needy low self esteemed woman who accepts him today exactly how he is.
My standards are much higher today because I deserve better then to be that woman running along side the train desperately trying to get on board right before it crashes.
These women are getting the side of these men that hurt us, that brought misery to our lives. I say “let them have em and all that comes with them, be grateful it is not us anymore, we are smart and strong enough to know better”.
I just ended a 10 year relationship because my bf was active again with his addiction. He was also getting involved with a woman who stalked him in the past and caused tremendous upset in our relationship.
When I discovered he was abusing his suboxone (a drug to help him get off pain meds) was the same time I discovered he was texting and talking to this woman, even sent her a text telling her he loved her and her responding, I know I know and I love you with all my heart.
I was hurt beyond hurt, and all my insecurities rose to the surface. I was feeling not good enough feeling like he picked someone else over me. That someone else was going to get that great man I fell in love with 10 years ago. I was overwhelmed with self doubt, my self esteem plummeted and I floating in a pool of self pity.
Well I climbed out of that pool, dusted myself off put my big girl pants on and realized how lucky I am and how STRONG I am to have gotten off the train before it crashes.
I am not the woman running alone side that train desperately trying to get on board, that’s this other woman. I had the best of him; she’s getting the rest of him. She is getting a weak man who is an active addict, a lying, selfish, confused, pill popping jonesing pathetic shell of the man I first fell in love with.
I am his addiction’s anti Christ and she is exactly what his addiction needs. A weak desperate needy low self esteemed woman who accepts him today exactly how he is.
My standards are much higher today because I deserve better then to be that woman running along side the train desperately trying to get on board right before it crashes.
These women are getting the side of these men that hurt us, that brought misery to our lives. I say “let them have em and all that comes with them, be grateful it is not us anymore, we are smart and strong enough to know better”.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by timetogo 
Now, I'm not stupid -- you just don't leave a 30 year relationship and be hooked up 3 weeks after that -- obviously it was going on before.
The important thing is to remember he is trying to get to you, so don't let him. Don't let him lie rent free in your head. Do what is right for you and your kids, they will appreciate it down the road if not immediately.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Thank you all so very much. It has been a very rough week -- very rough. I thought I was doing so well and I have been derailed.........
last Tuesday the truck broke -- going to cost over $2000
last Tuesday, an "old" coworker (who is a therapist) told me that she had seen a woman a few years back who was having an affair with AH (she has NO boundaries) -- that's why, dgillz, I think it has been going on for a while
I have a major conference that I'm planning coming up next week that is draining me (because of everything else)
Then the weekend happened and I have allowed his very poor judgement to send me into a tailspin.
And the worst of all, and what has made me feel like I'm absolutely falling apart, a wonderful friend and colleague and her 10 year old daughter were killed in a terrible accident -- they went through the ice in front of her husband and other family members -- the tragedy of it all is unbearable.
When I write it all out, no wonder I feel like this. Thank you CLMI for reminding me that it is ok to feel like this. And thank goodness for this forum and all the wonderful people here.
thank you all again
last Tuesday the truck broke -- going to cost over $2000
last Tuesday, an "old" coworker (who is a therapist) told me that she had seen a woman a few years back who was having an affair with AH (she has NO boundaries) -- that's why, dgillz, I think it has been going on for a while
I have a major conference that I'm planning coming up next week that is draining me (because of everything else)
Then the weekend happened and I have allowed his very poor judgement to send me into a tailspin.
And the worst of all, and what has made me feel like I'm absolutely falling apart, a wonderful friend and colleague and her 10 year old daughter were killed in a terrible accident -- they went through the ice in front of her husband and other family members -- the tragedy of it all is unbearable.
When I write it all out, no wonder I feel like this. Thank you CLMI for reminding me that it is ok to feel like this. And thank goodness for this forum and all the wonderful people here.
thank you all again
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Laurie hon, I wish we could all come up and just make dinner for you AND do the dishes AND sit with you and let you talk and cry and scream. You have been through sooo much lately.
I can't offer any advice better than what's above me. Feel your feelings - get your anger out any healthy way you can. Grieve any healthy way you can. Any normal human being would be feeling the overwhelm you're going through. This time won't last forever, I promise you.
:ghug3
I can't offer any advice better than what's above me. Feel your feelings - get your anger out any healthy way you can. Grieve any healthy way you can. Any normal human being would be feeling the overwhelm you're going through. This time won't last forever, I promise you.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
(((((timetogo))))) So sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else. I agree with givelove ~ I always wish I could do more than send virtual hugs.....but I do hope you can work through this and feel better soon.
...derailed....temporarily....you can and will get back on those tracks. When I read this part I was reminded of what others told me and I tell myself when things get bad.....baby steps. Take care ~
Originally Posted by timetogo
Thank you all so very much. It has been a very rough week -- very rough. I thought I was doing so well and I have been derailed.........
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