Should I file for a divorce yet??

Old 03-16-2009, 11:21 AM
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Should I file for a divorce yet??

Hello everyone...I need a little input from you guys....My AH of 10 years disappeared for 3 weeks on a drug binge and I went ahead and filed for a publication divorce cause I'm so tired of it... He chose to go to a treatment facility for 90 days as of last thursday cause I didn't allow him back in our home this time around... he either had to go back to the streets or go to treatment. Kept my boundaries for once! So I got a phone call today from him asking me to at least give him a chance to prove himself before I follow through with the divorce (which already has been filed) cause he wants to prove himself to me and wants to be the father of his kids and is willing to do whatever it takes to have me and the kids back. So here I sit wondering what I should do...Should I just put a end to it or should a give him the chance to prove himself??? I really don't know. There's one side of me that says just go ahead and move on with your life without him and there's the other side that says maybe I should at least give him a chance to prove himself one last time (he's in a 90 day program and willing to stay there and graduate and get a job and embrace recovery for the rest of his life...so he says)please help me figure this one out
Thank you

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Old 03-16-2009, 11:26 AM
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I'm listening here because I'm in the exact same position. Exact. AH has 50+ days clean. I have an appt tomorrow with the lawyer to figure out whether to file a legal seperation or a D. Have you looked into legal sep? That basically is a D, but you're still M. Custody, child support everything is figured out and it can be switched to a D.

IRL he's got a long road ahead of him. I don't know how much more you want to invest. I will say that AH is alot different after 50+ days, though he has a lot to do as far as growth. What was your AH using, how long etc??
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:38 PM
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I agree with the othe two. Do a legal sep at minimum. If he chooses to go on another bender, at least you'll be protected financially.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:18 PM
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I hate to add to everyone else, but I also agree with them. At the VERY least, get a separation. If he does go out on another binge, YOU are protected. While he is in recovery, you need to be focused on you. Regardless of what he is saying now, hasn't he said it before? Haven't you heard over and over how he's done and "give me another chance...I'm serious this time"??? My ABF has been serious so many times I can't even count.

Protect yourself, protect your children. Let him continue his recovery. Like Cynical said, if he is serious, and wants real recovery, then in a few years you can consider getting back into a relationship or marriage again - but ONLY after he has proven this track.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:55 PM
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If it was me I would NOT stop the proceedings.

Over the years I have been in recovery first from addiction and then from being a full blown 'codie' lol I have realized that 90 days, 120 days, 150 days, is just a drop in the bucket. Only time and the addicts ACTIONS will show you there is sincere change.

What he just used on you was a manipulation 'hook' to get you to stop the proceedings. Then in all likelihood in 20 or 30 days he will return to old behaviors.

You know that going through the divorce does NOT mean that you won't get back together somewhere down the road. It does mean that you mean business and you and your children deserve better than what you have been getting.

At the least, as said above, go for a 'legal' separation to cover yourself and the kids.

What 'he said' to me is just QUACKING. Let his actions over the next year or so show you he is sincere.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-16-2009, 02:15 PM
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beachlover, This man left your baby infant alone! He stole $7,000 from you! Since you have the proceedings already started, don't back down. He needs to be away from you at least a year anyway, in order to give himself time for recovery. And you never know where it will lead. I would recommend supervised visits with the children if he ever gets visitation. Don't dwell on what he's done, but do not forget. He will try to make you forget. He will try to bring you back into denial. Do not forget!

Hoping for all the best for you and the children.

NH7
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Old 03-16-2009, 06:01 PM
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Maybe it's not an "either/or", maybe it can be a "both/and" -

What I mean is, maybe you could go ahead and divorce him and move on with your life and while you're doing that he can decide if he is serious about recovery. It doesn't sound like you have a new person waiting to marry in the next 10 minutes, so he has time to get sober and SHOW YOU that he is serious.

That way, if he's serious, no harm no foul (divorces take a very long time and you can alway re-marry him a second time) and if he's not, no time wasted.

Of course for me, the three week binge would have been enough! Oh, and one other thing to consider. I read somewhere that kids do fine with a single parent family, however, it's the chaos, strife and stress before a breakup that is hard on them. A clean break might save you some money in therapy for the kids later...

Prayers you find the right answer for you.

Best of luck!
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Old 03-16-2009, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
3 week drug binge, in rehab since last Thursday (thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon) for all of five days and already begging you to "give him a chance" and let him come home and all will be well.

ONLY cuz you asked for advice, here goes....IF he is truly a changed man, than your entire relationship will change. so ending the EXISTING relationship/marriage in a sense wipes that slate clean - AND offers you protection against the errors of HIS ways. THEN he can set about becoming a fully recovered actualized individual, and prove thru his ACTIONS whether he is a worthy partner, and a good and deserving dad.

recovery takes a life time. he's got his work cut out for him, REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU DO. he has to own his stuff, rebuild his life, and that is gonna take a lot of time and dedication. and damn hard work. you and the kids aren't moving to Mars, so this isn't now or never stuff as far as "his chance" - he screwed up, BIG TIME. he wanted to play with the big boys and go off and live the life of a dope fiend on a spinner. and this is what you get when you make that choice and you have a wife and kids at home. sorry pal. ya use, ya lose........
Anvilhead... you are so on target with this... thanks!
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Old 03-16-2009, 08:13 PM
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Thank you guys for all the input. As far as the legal separation goes I wish it could be done but I live in Florida and there's no such a thing only divorce down here. Second he's not asking to come back home he's asking me for time to prove himself. Time to finish the program, get a job and show me that he's really serious about his recovery...I would love to believe but at this point I only believe after I see it...Should I give him the time to prove himself or should I just be done with it?
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Old 03-16-2009, 08:18 PM
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i am new tot his sight. my boyfriend is a addict.
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Old 03-16-2009, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by beachlover2 View Post
Thank you guys for all the input. As far as the legal separation goes I wish it could be done but I live in Florida and there's no such a thing only divorce down here. Second he's not asking to come back home he's asking me for time to prove himself. Time to finish the program, get a job and show me that he's really serious about his recovery...I would love to believe but at this point I only believe after I see it...Should I give him the time to prove himself or should I just be done with it?
My response still stands, go forward with the divorce.
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Old 03-16-2009, 10:50 PM
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i am not married but i have a boyfriend that is an addict. geez sounds like my life...wow. i feel alone sometimes. but thier are so many of me out there. i am glad i gave him a last chance. because its been several months he has been clean. he now is in the hospital for depression and cravings. but hes clean and very willing to get help. i am there to support him. it's only been a short time but i stood my ground and took now excusses and it;s sobor and homeless and alone. his ex wife stood by me and supported me with the disision i made and was willing to refuse visition with his kids. i am just glad i didn't turn my back when i so wanted to. we are heeling one day at a time. i am very proud of him and the disision i made and i am willing to stand my ground and we have a contract if he uses he has to leave he signed it and it is hanging where he can see it everyday. hope this helps.:praying
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Old 03-17-2009, 03:59 AM
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Just read Janet1965's post. That sounds like a good idea.
I'm an addict and when my husband left me, taking my
four boys with him, it broke me.But he didn't love me anymore.
If you love him, set your boundaries, protect yourself financially
and love him.
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Old 03-17-2009, 04:25 AM
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I always hesitate to offer advice because it's hard to really know another's life. What I can do is tell you a story about my life for whatever it is worth.

My husband is not an addict, but we had all kinds of marriage trouble. Basically he was immature and I was doing everything. So in many ways the codependence in me was just showing up differently and his drug of choice was TV, hobbies and reading.

We went to marriage counseling, etc. and just when I thought we were making progress (he was doing a little more), he divorced me. After that there was 8 years (yes, 8) where he was back and forth in my life "proving" himself but alwasy doing the bare minimum to keep me "hooked".

One day I said, "do not darken my door again ever until you are changed, period - and I will KNOW the minute I set eyes on you if you are, so don't mess with me." He went away and I moved on. I filed for a annulment (catholic) and started dating. About a year later he shows up - changed.

I believe that I needed that time to become independent (as in not dependent on him for my validation) and I know he needed it to grow up without "support" from me - who had really been his caretaker.

What I learned for me is that letting go was the only way I got my marriage back in a way that is functional. It has been great ever since.

Not all stories end this way, sometimes they go away and stay away - either don't recover or find someone else. I figured out that it was really my dependence that was keeping me stuck, not his pleading.

And - I couldn't let go until I had exhausted all my options.. so I did need the 8 years to get a clue.

I don't know if this helps, but I do know its a rough road.

God Bless you on your journey.
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