Chino

Callie that cuts right to the core of everything. She did the same thing you did with different outcomes. Her best was not your best and vice versa.

She might even feel you did terrible things to her and her son, just like you feel she did terrible things to you and yours.

Each of you own your reality and it's common denominator is the AH/AS.

I've learned when I lash out at someone's ignorance I am lashing out at myself. They reflect something inside me.

All of us parents here have done ingnorant things, but they were all we knew at the time and what gave us a sense of control.

Will you forgive us parents for the ignorant stuff we did? Will we forgive you, the addicts SO, for the ignorant stuff you've done? The answer is yes, but only if we want to.

None of us from either side can undo the physical/spiritual damage caused by our addicts, and we can't undo the damage caused by ourselves and other codies.

All we can do is move forward.

Callie

Thanks guys - wow Freedom, that's alot of money. My grandma was like that. Never complained and almost always happy or saw the good in things.

I've thought about sitting down with MIL, with AH there just so nothing was misconstrued. That is an option, my only fear is that she's seriously dumber than a box of rocks. It's as if she wants all of the focus on her and poor her. She "did" so much for AH and "this" is how she's repaid?

I may do this, sit down with her. I really feel that I need to do SOMETHING because the "let go" thing is just not working for me right now. You know my mom is someone you don't want to cross very often. Anvil and Freedom and CO remind me alot of her. She doesn't take $hit, will let you know exactly how she feels. She'd also drop someone like <MIL> a hot potato because she doesn't need or agree with what she's done. Maybe that is the approach that I need to take. Mom has told me to just be done with MIL - deal with her on whatever level you need too, but no more. I've tried to do that, but I've never confronted her with how I feel or the devastation that she's caused.

Thanks again guys, I'll think about this. I postponed the divorce appt until tomorrow (because I'm a chicken) and promise to get to that meeting that I've never attended (because I'm a chicken). Thanks for everything guys.

Chino

Callie, sitting down and having a conversation with someone you're at odds with needs a goal. It took me many therapy sessions years ago to get my mind right, figure out which way I wanted to go. Was my purpose salvaging a relationship and starting fresh, or was the purpose ending it?

Whichever way you answer will determine the way you approach it, and there's no way to predict how the other person will respond.

racaple78

Honey, I have been in the exact same boat as you, and all I can say is........give it time. Time and distance truly does heal all wounds. I don't see my AH (soon to be ex--divorce will be final next month), the last time he called me, I specifically told him to please stop, and just leave me alone. Very liberating.

I realized that he was doing me more harm than good. I realized that there was nothing I could do. I realized that he has a LONG road of recovery ahead of him, and its entirely between him and God to work on that. I've got two kids to protect and take care of, I've got a life to live. He, is......a criminal. I feel sorry for him but he made his bed, and now unfortunately he's laying in it. I have set my boundaries, and I hope he gets well one day. Whenever I'm at church and I bow my head, I do pray for him, among other things. But life goes on.

I have recently begun hanging out with friends again and going out (both male and female friends), I've been asked out on a few dates, an old friend of mine and I have started talking again via Facebook and there is starting to become some interest there; and the more that you get around good people and realize, "OMG, what was I living with?" The more you can move forward. The more you do things for yourself, that are for "CALLIE"..... The better you will feel and begin to live life for yourself again. Sometimes in marriage we got so immersed in the other person and their problems we forget what is was that made us happy as individuals in the first place. I highly recommend you find these things that make you happy again....perhaps do things as an individual that you never allowed yourself to do or never got a chance to do with your AH. LIBERATE yourself. It will happen hon....just give it time. Take care of yourself!!

Side note: As difficult as it has been being a single mom, I have found a tremendous amount of support not only through friends and family, but a church I have recently begun to attend. I have opened my life and heart and allowed God to come in and cleanse my life and spirit, and put me where he needs me. I am looking into doing missionary work, or volunteering. So yes, its hard....but this difficulty is FAAARRRR better than the HELL I was living while being with an addict.

Abundance

FANTASTIC THREAD!!!!!!!

Just another re-enforcer that I absolutely have to get going on my step work!

AVOIDANCE.... what a flipping culprit THAT is! Avoiding doing the work.

I'm actually working with my therapist right now on just WHY it is that I am avoiding working on myself!

So this week - to get me motivated - I'm supposed to write about all the ways I can care about myself as I do other people! And that I have been given "permission" to only think of myself.
The mystical thing with that - is that things then pop up even more so to prevent me from looking at myself! Now - ain't that a biatch?!

It is what it is.......

Chino

I hear you. Sometimes focusing on me is slippery and elusive. Like reeling in a fish. Can't fight it so much the line snaps or give too much slack it slips away. Catch and release, do it again.

Callie

Somewhat of an update with this post - I'm doing pretty well with detachment from MIL. I told AH I just wanted her to leave me alone right now. She's been respecting that. If she calls, I just let him get the phone or let it go to voicemail. It's much more peaceful on that front. It will have to be this way for a while, I know. The kids have seen her, but that's been somewhat minimized as well because they're busy with swim team and they start ball next week. It's not the healthiest for them to be in there for long periods of time because they just park in front of the tv because she's too lazy to get up and do things with them. They just veg out and watch tv with her. It's fine in moderation, but they get bored pretty quickly.

MrsMagoo

Good for you - whatever works!! How are you doing, besides being busy with the kids?