BohemiMamaof3

Hi, it's been awhile and I'd like some input, regarding my 37 yr. old A Brother who is in a relapse right now. A summary: In December he voluntarily left the Salvation Army recovery program where he was working and living for more than 2 years. He went on a binge. His old friend/college roommate offered him a job on the opposite coast of where he was living (near us). Since he was unable to find work in his given profession around here because of his addictions (alcohol & drugs) and the complications, it was a good offer to start fresh. Now, two months later his friend called us and let us know he left, is dating the town drug dealer and his landlord is calling the job over unpaid rent. His friend is still willing to help him, and wants to know what we want. We being our mom, my husband and I, my Abro's only relatives. He offered to buy him a ticket back here, or use his community connections to have him "picked up". I said to him, what good will it do him to come back here, he has been through all the rehabs around, in and out of hospitals, jail. I said, soon he will end up in the hospital, because his body cannot tolerated drinking or drugging for any length of time anymore. I said he will likely call you (the friend), because you're the only one he knows out there, and then you can encourage him to get into a program. He said I will offer him a job again if he completes a program. ABro was not honest with his friend about his addiction (no surprise) and told him all these lies about his work experience and even saying he had a daughter living in another country with her mother. All lies. The friend seems to have a big heart and wants to help despite all this, he remembers his old friend from college days, etc., he says my Abrother is brilliant in his field when he's sober. I also want to add, that my brother never seemed far in his recovery or in his steps while at the SA. I know I'll get flack, that it's not for me to judge his recovery. My brother's friend will be calling me in a few days for an update. What would you say to him?

mooselips

BohemiMamaof3,
Sorry to hear of your brothers relapse.
As you know in the past, there is nothing you, or your brothers friend can do to make him stop using. This is your brothers journey.


I would tell the friend the same sentiments.
Your brother has your number, and I'm sure the friends number, and can call you or him.


Hopefully, with your brother having been sober for a long period of time, has tools in his recovery box, that can help him attain and want sobriety again.

When.... Is all up to him.


Hugs and hugs...

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Would also add, you can't control what your brothers friend does either. I would suggest that you cull some online references dealing with addiction and enabling, and send them to your brothers friend. If the friend isn't aware of how that works, it will hopefully make it easier for him to understand how you feel.

Freedom1990

I would simply reiterate to him what you said the last time. You can't change the fact that his friend is still willing to help him regardless of what your brother has done anymore than you can change what your brother is currently doing.

:ghug :ghug

kj3880

You just have to stay in your own lane. And so does this friend. Tell him kindly to read up on codependency. Maybe recommend Melodie Beatty's books. That's all you can do. It takes what it takes for us to decide to get into recovery. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Same for others codependency. You can't cure that either, as painful as it is for us all to watch someone in the grip of codie behavior, they have to reach bottom too, and the bottom is different for each addict, each codie. Hard to watch, though, isn't it?

Love,
KJ

BohemiMamaof3

Thank you, I needed that reality check!