fear revisited. advice please?

Old 03-14-2009, 07:48 AM
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Unhappy fear revisited. advice please?

my boyfriend is now 1 month and 5 days clean and sober. he's an alcoholic and has been out of rehab for only about two and a half weeks now.
the other night he went out with some sober friends. they decided to go play pool for a bit, so of course, they went to a bar. needless to say, i was NOT happy about this. i'm trying to reestablish come trust here and going to a bar is not the way to do it. supposedly he didn't drink anything except diet coke. when i mentioned to him i was quite uncomfortable with him being in a bar this early in his recovery, he replied that a person could go to a bar and not drink anything. i simply find it too early in his recovery to be playing with fire.
last night he drove to visit me (he lives an hour away). when he got in to town he wanted to get something to eat, so where does he go? another bar. this time just to get some food. when he arrived at my house he seemed very hyper, smelled of too much cologne, and had eaten numerous altoids. it stuck me, due to the fact he used to do such things to cover the smell of the alcohol. i inquired about his trip then and a bit later, and some of the details changed slightly. this also struck me as odd. and it wasn't just me. some friend of mine were over. i didn't voice my concern them, but they sure expressed theirs' to me. their consensus was that he was drinking again.
i don't know what to do or say. the fear has resurfaced within me. any advice would be appreciated. thanks for reading.
-nixx
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Old 03-14-2009, 09:09 AM
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Hi Nixx. There is really nothing you can do. It is all about what you are willing to put up with. You are on your guard, the radar is up, and we do that not only to weed through the truth or the lies, but also to protect ourselves. I know I have walked in your shoes.

You are right, an alcoholic does not go to a bar if he is in recovery. A crack head does not drop into a crack house for a little visit to see old friends. It is a disaster waiting to happen. But these are his choices and he is going to do what he wants to do. Addicts lie all the time, it is part of the disease, part of their survival. In a way you have to think about how simple they think we are, for offering us such lame stories and thinking that we will fall for it.

The sad thing is that for some of us who actually believe or attempt to believe the lies is that in the end we start doubting ourselves. This is when the insanity walks in and the road starts to become bumpy.

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. The foundation of a good and long lasting life together. Without it there is nothing. The question is are you willing to except all of him just the way he stands before you today? I am asking this because this may well be what you will have ten years down the road.
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Old 03-14-2009, 10:42 AM
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Nixx,

I'm sorry to hear that you are fearful, the bottom line however is there is nothing you can do about what HE chooses, so you need to try and let go.

Although you are right, the places he's choosing to go, is playing in the devils playground, he is making the decisions. It is his choice and decision to get clean, as it should be.

He is also responsible for the moves he makes to stay clean and or fall.........

You can't catch him, you can't stop him.... the sooner you let him go fall or stand, the better off you will be.

I was where you are many many times. I realize now, that it is not my place to tell him what to do, what are good choices or poor ones. I am not his mommy, I am not his gaurdian. I am his girlfriend. I am here to support him if he asks for it, otherwise it is up to him.

My abf has relapsed from oxycodone 3xs......... and it's sad to me. however, I know now there is nothing I can do to change it. He recently told me this weekend he is going to try to stop again. Good for him, is what i say, but have I asked him if he indeed is 'stopping' again this weekend - now that it's here? Nope. Why? Because he should do what he says he's going to do without me asking him. If he chooses to keep useing..... he is going to do it whether I say something or I dont.

where my decision now lyes, is if i choose to STAY in a relationship where someone is doing something that I don't agree with - and the effects of such.

Obviously I'm still with him,..... so the good is still outweighing the bad....

But as with all addiciton, I'm sure it will progress.... and when It starts to impact me to the point that leaving seems like a better option then staying.... I will end my relationship with him.

It's a hard struggle.... at least I have come to makeing a 'little' progress... which is KNOWING that I can't and shouldn't attempt to control his behavior and choices. If his behavior and choices put me in a spot that I don't want to be in... then I will have to make choices for ME>

Its a long journey... try to take baby steps like I've had to hon. Try first to just realize 'fear' of him useing may be valid, but there is nothing you can to to prevent it or control it.

Love,
Cessy
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Old 03-14-2009, 10:43 AM
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Let's assume for a moment that all these red flags are real. Because they likely are.

Let's assume he's active in his substances again, which means it's only going to get worse, as addiction is progressive.

Are you clear in your mind what actions you will take to protect yourself? Do you have a plan, a discreet set of actions to take?

99% of the time, those niggling doubts we feel about the addict are based in some truth. And usually, it's a truth we don't really want to face.

I found that if I wasn't clear in my own mind when I was going to listen to my gut, and if I didn't have boundaries defined to myself what I was willing to put up with, then I would get confused and damaged, being sucked into the wake of addiction. I had to learn to think ahead, and make plans for each contingency, and hold myself accountable to my plans.

CLMI
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Old 03-14-2009, 03:41 PM
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Oh catlovermi... you hit the nail on the head! Indeed the truth is in the boundaries and only we can define them. I've been confused, damaged and sucked into the wake and boundaries are the lifejacket.

Nixx, keep the faith and pray... and know that your higherpower has the whole world in his hands!
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Old 03-16-2009, 09:20 AM
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You are right, an alcoholic does not go to a bar if he is in recovery. A crack head does not drop into a crack house for a little visit to see old friends. It is a disaster waiting to happen. But these are his choices and he is going to do what he wants to do. Addicts lie all the time, it is part of the disease, part of their survival. In a way you have to think about how simple they think we are, for offering us such lame stories and thinking that we will fall for it.

The sad thing is that for some of us who actually believe or attempt to believe the lies is that in the end we start doubting ourselves. This is when the insanity walks in and the road starts to become bumpy.


you are absolutely right. thank you. its just so hard when you are trying to reestablish trust in a relationship and he pulls moves like that. i've told him i'm completely uncomfortable with the idea of him in bars. i'm just afraid that if i say and enforce that he "can't" go (and i hate saying that, because i hardly feel as if it is my right), than i just know he'll lie to me and the trust will be broken all over again. while i don't believe the lies, i definetly doubt myself and my reality. its just part of being schizophrenic, so basically i'm a chronic doormat for insanity on my best days. thats just what makes the whole thing harder. i'm at a loss and try to just keep reminding myself that i just can't do anything about it anyhow.
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Old 03-16-2009, 09:29 AM
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cessy,

thank you for your reply and i really hope that your boyfriend gets better and everything works out between you.


It's a hard struggle.... at least I have come to makeing a 'little' progress... which is KNOWING that I can't and shouldn't attempt to control his behavior and choices. If his behavior and choices put me in a spot that I don't want to be in... then I will have to make choices for ME


you're right. i just need to concentrate on myself and definelty take better care of me. i've been slipping from the stress and fear, nestled in some unreachable point in the pit of my stomach. ...its so hard sometimes.... i know you know this.

thanks again!
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Old 03-16-2009, 09:30 AM
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Are you clear in your mind what actions you will take to protect yourself? Do you have a plan, a discreet set of actions to take?

i will start working on that. thank you.
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