sophia1980

I am back home for a few days whilst my abf is going through ‘cold turkey’….and I am wondering if this is the right thing??

I left abf begin of Jan. His recent relapse has lasted 4months (heroin&crack)-H seems to be his greatest need.

He says he’s has been attempting to detox at home since I left…I have seen him a few times but he was soo anxious he would end up running off to score.
These times felt like a right kick in the teeth, so I stopped visiting him…
Then today he told me he’s only managed to get to day2of a detox before giving in. So this has been happening over & over for the last 2+months ?wtf? I should maybe translate this for he has only tried detox a couple of times….the rest of the time spent using-!

A close friend saw him 2days ago when he was ‘detoxing’ ….(yet again!)
She phoned me to say he was really struggling…she could see him fighting the urge to ‘use’ in his head….
… he didn’t use and is now on day3 detox from heroin. She asked if I would stay the w/e to help give him that ‘extra bit of support’ &if he ran off during this detox then that’s it-stay out of his life for good!

I struggled to agree but I am now here in our home! Ahh! I have done this sooo many times…playing nurse blah blah. I have been doing the ‘tough love’ approach with him for the past 10 weeks, surely if he really wanted to detox, he’d phone a rehab place and check in? Why does he still attempt a home detox (lost count how many attempts)…if they do not work for him>?

The last ‘tough love’ approach I did, led to him having nearly 2yrs clean….. Why the hell am I still here? He has had the ‘last chance’ card many times….However the shock of this recent relapse & reading SR has made me realise many things-& I do not want drugs in my life ANYMORE! Sad thing is I now realise this is probably not the end of it…. I think he knows this time I am v.serious about it. I really am fed up of this life with an addict. When he tells me this is the last time-I don’t believe him anymore….


Good thing though- this time around, after managing to ‘detach’ & not be a ‘caretaker’ for the last 10weeks, I am at home but I am NOT playing nurse, I am doing my own things, whilst he is crawling around, spewing up, diarrhoea crazy, sweats, freezing, moaning, &looks AWFUL

I refuse to feel guilty about not helping him in his state…although I feel like a bit of a b**ch! I am just soo numb & bored of this!

I keep thinking to myself, that because I am here (although not helping him), maybe I am hindering his recovery-as in not letting him do it ‘all alone’? I have realised how important it is for the addict to recover all by themselves

Any views would be appreciated. I feel the general consensus here from the recovering addicts is ‘tough love’ & letting the addict fall on their bottom….I am not sure me being here whilst he detox’s is letting him land on my soft cushion?? & I did the tough love thing over 2years ago.

Something tells me just to go away from him & his problems and if he gets clean and works a recovery, then maybe we could try again….I have felt great peace being away from him and not worrying about him etc but I can’t totally let go of him…yet! Like others say, there comes a time when you can’t take no more….& I know this time is coming, faster than I probably want it to, he is aware of this too.

For the last hour he’s been going on about me phoning the doctor for him as he has severe backpain with coming off heroin- I just handed him the phone book & phone, all I got was a scowl! Oh the joys!...now he’s asked me for a lift to the hosp, I nearly told him to ring a taxi(!) but couldn’t bring myself to say it!
[Big sigh]

sophia1980

Thanks Anvil
After he detoxes he is planning on abstaining from all 'brain altering chemicals'-he thinks his relapse was due to smoking joints.
He also plans to get a life coach, get some NLP/hypnotherapy sessions...he even joined SR and has posted a few times but to be honest, he will probably start these but stop them after a few weeks.

In the last big relapse, I left him for 6months, he went to counselling, he even got a job! (he doesn't have to work-he never will-big inheritance)-this is probably the bane of his life. Other health professionals I have spoken to in this field say, addicts with too much money are the least likely to give up as unlikely to hit their bottom (?)

anyways the job etc only lasted a while....

soo guess just wait & see how the w/e goes, I feel like I shouldn't be here!
Aww weel, at least I get to see my dogs

Freedom1990

Thank you for reminding me how grateful I am to have the choice of not putting up with crap like that.

I'm enjoying the heck out of my college classes and with no addict detoxing or using or begging me to make phone calls or vomiting or whining or...

Single life rocks!

jan123

I would tell him to call you in a year and to let you know how things are going. Basically he is going to do what he needs to do, and all the money in the world is not going to buy him time. The hardest thing in this world is to let someone you love go. It is going to be a long and hard road for him to travel before he is really clean and sober. He will be spending the rest of his life in recovery.

You are still there by his side no matter what you are or not doing. Still watching the consequences his of drug abuse. He sees that! Obviously the tough love approach didn't work if he is detoxing now. Take the time to see what you really want and deserve in a relationship and see if he hits the mark.

hope213

if he is asking to go to the hospital i would take him. take him & leave him. the rest would be up to him. maybe they can get him in a rehab. put the focus on you & what you need. prayers,

sophia1980

This detox is the worst I've ever seen him go through, the trip to the hospital was no help. He is soo dehydrated, he should be on IV fluids. Last night was similar to the detox scenes from the movie 'trainspotting'.

I know I feel like I do not want to be here but deep down I am glad I am-I would wish this on no-one. I would be pertrified to go through this alone. His vomiting episodes leave him soo breathless he begins to panic.

And now he's just ran off again clutching a hot water bottle in a taxi to score-he can't do a home detox-how many times will it take to realise this??!
He's begged me to be here when he gets home but I think I should stick to my boundaries and go. I am slightly disappointed but not surprised.

Thanks Jan-I keep on hoping he will change in the future but TODAY he is not hitting the mark-time for me to go (again!).
Why do I keep on going back?-i feel soo weak!

Serenity Bound

I think you are right on the money.......leave now and don't come back. Stick to your boundaries.

Hugs,
Chris

sophia1980

Thanks Serenity,
I did leave our home after he ran off in taxi. I am quite surprised I managed to stick to my boundaries but I know I have no other choice!

We have spoken once on the phone since I left and I told him to not contact me until he is clean. FULL STOP!

Taking5

Sophia,

congrats on taking care of yourself. Are you sure he is not on alcohol too? It sure sounds like it.

By the way smoking a joint IS a relapse all by itself, no further action required.

sophia1980

dgillz,
Thanks for msg, def not alcohol, he hardly touches alcohol-just hard drugs! ;(

like you say about the joints- the abf FINALLY admits that smoking joints is out of bounds, as is all mind-altering chemicals....well, its taken along time for him to realise this!!
Although he says this, I will not believe him until I see his ACTIONS!