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What makes me any better than my addict?

Old 03-13-2009, 01:06 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I don't know... guess I better rush home, throw him out and drag the kids off to the psychiatrist because they saw so much disfunction by seeing a guy who gets home from work at 8:00 at night lay on the couch and watch tv.

Cessy If that was the real issue you wouldnt be here and you wouldnt be feeling the way you do.


Also, yea, I do the bill paying, because like a smart lady, the bills and MY home are in MY name. SO I make him give me 400 per wk towards the house and food, and I handle the money in MYOWN account.
Yes those are very smart actions to take when you have an addict in your home........

MY ADDICT CANT take myhouse, or my money. It's all in my name , and WE are NOT married.
but please be careful addicts can and DO take money ......wallets debit cards checks items to pawn, not always in the beginning but with progression they can and do

thinking we or our addict is the exception can cause alot of heartache. You seem to feel that your being picked on when in fact people are just trying to help you keep your eyes open

I'm simply saying that RIGHT NOW, there isn't outward signs to the kids, friends, family, coworkers that there is a problem.

more likely than NOT thats because YOUR sooooo busy covering for him and making excuses and doing the things that he should or could do

The only thing he can continue to take, is my heart.... if I allow him to.
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Old 03-13-2009, 01:08 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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All I know is that what we accept/excuse in others usually mirrors what we accept/excuse in ourselves. If we're happy it's not a problem.
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Old 03-13-2009, 01:22 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I'm simply saying that RIGHT NOW, there isn't outward signs to the kids, friends, family, coworkers that there is a problem.

more likely than NOT thats because YOUR sooooo busy covering for him and making excuses and doing the things that he should or could do

I wanted to clarify that a little.

I'm not sure of the ages of your kids.............but at night when they come in and want to talk hang out with or play with your abf........and hes "too tired" because of the oxy

have you ever found yourself telling them.......oh he's just tired he worked hard today?

If?when he failed to keep a commitment he made to one of the kids or didnt show up or showed up but was soo wrapped up in himself and his pills or to doped up to really connect.....ever find yourself making some excuse for him?
For the kids sake....so their feelings werent hurt?

When you have plans with friends and hes not interactive because he's high do you find yourself making up an excuse? Or if hes irritable making excuses?

You said you and your friends can complain for hours.......all red blooded men or whatever...........and they dont have addiction in their home........

the thing is YOU dont know if theres addiction in their home................they just may be working AS hard as you are Covering it up.

This addiction and codependent stuff takes time and some lessons are learned the hard way......................noone can tell you what you should do in your life
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Old 03-13-2009, 01:23 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
are you worried about your "secret" getting out? you seem SO certain that nobody knows a thing.....i bet some day you'll be surprised to find out that more people knew than you thought. but you seem to have an almost inverse pride here in being the only one WHO KNOWS and what a great job you've done protecting the kids etc. like you still got this one under control.......and when anyone here mentions that maybe, just MAYBE things are fragmenting worse than you are willing to acknowledge, and that your situation is no different, your hackles go up and you go on the attack. what is it you are trying so hard to defend?
i'm glad soooo flipping glad you asked that, because I'm trying so hard to type what I mean (even earlier and I 'confused' cynical one)

I know that no one knows, (except like I said people I've told).....THEREFORE, it keeps me in a place of rationalizing thoughts such as:

"it's not so bad, everyone else would see it if it were."

"the kids think that he's awesome... they don't know if I'm pissed sometimes... that it's because of drugs, they just assume that we may have had a dissagreement like ALL people do... cause they never even hear a fight."

"if it's not affecting his business, our bills, my kids, his friends, etc.... then maybe I'm just hypersentistive/overreacting..."
__________________________________________________ ____
HERE IS
REALITY

This is what I'm trying to say... I know that I'm NOT overreacting....
Being 'lazy at night' is not acceptable to me.... (because I KNOW it's a result of no pills, or having too many pills....)
It affects ME... because on the weekends when my kids aren't around, and I want to go out with him, hes "tired"
Our sex life has diminished, - from going to bed, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... snoring in 2 seconds....
He's either HAPPY (not authentic, because of drugs and that bothers me)
OR he's sleepy.
IT SUCKS FOR ME!!!


__________________________________________________ _______
I don't take pride in any of this. and his addiction is no different- however certain 'responses' simply don't apply and i DO take offense to that. It's the equivelant of you talking about something with hank.... and someone responding like he was doing something WAY different... 'just because he was an addict... and therefore all ex-addicts must be affecting their loved ones the same....

that kind of thinking is not right... agreed?

__________________________________________________ ________

I hope you understand now, that I don't take 'pride' in no one knowing- i think that no one knowing keeps Me believing I'm wrong, and rationalizing.
thx,
cessy
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Old 03-13-2009, 01:36 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cessy68 View Post
i think that no one knowing keeps Me believing I'm wrong, and rationalizing.
thx,
cessy
What can you do about that? Do you want to do something about it?
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Old 03-13-2009, 01:45 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
What can you do about that? Do you want to do something about it?
yes chino... thats exactly why im here...........
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Old 03-13-2009, 02:33 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
Happy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey....

if you tell me he's got allergies (sneezy) or is painfully shy (bashful) , i'm calling Disney and tellin' them i found 6 of the 7 dwarfs.
Anvilhead, I'd be willing to BET that, as an addict, he is able to diagnose himself (i.e., decide what the problem is, handle it his own way, and not take anybody's advice since he knows best), making him Doc. SEVEN FOR SEVEN!!

OK, it's been a long week, and I needed some humor, too.

CLMI
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Old 03-13-2009, 03:14 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Cessy,

Let me try this another way.....if you were living with someone who was blind, would you get stressed out because he behaved like a blind person? Would you get worked up because he did not react to your appearance or a wink or whatever? Would his companion dog drive you wild, cause he was always underfoot? Would you expect him to drive a car? Would you expect him to read a newspaper?

It really is OK to continue this relationship and there is no need to justify it to anyone, here.

It's not genuine, however, to maintain expectations that he should be behaving like a normie, when he is deep into opiate addiction.

It's not genuine to think if he cared enough about you and the kids, he would just quit. That kind of thinking is all about your ego and has nothing to do with his addiction to pills.

No matter what you do or not, it's your expectations- belief that you can control this/him that's driving you nuts.

If you cannot let go of him, can you let go of your expectations and accept this situation as is?
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Old 03-14-2009, 10:17 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cessy68 View Post
I haven't ONCE waiverd saying that everything is peachy keen. I'm simply saying that RIGHT NOW, there isn't outward signs to the kids, friends, family, coworkers that there is a problem.

Keep reading my posts, perhaps you could surprise me - by showing me where ONCE i've said any different.

The only friends who know are the ones I TELL!
Sorry, I don't believe that for a second. I'm sure you do your very best to keep people from knowing, and to protect your kids, but no one can hide the sort of behavior you described.

I always knew that when my dad "fell asleep" in front of the tv, it was from alcohol.

When my parents argued after they thought I was asleep, I could still hear them on the other side of the house. Even I thought I could at least protect my younger brothers from such things, but no amount of distraction could.

What's more, YOUR behavior is affecting the kids at LEAST as much as the addict's behavior. My mother's attitude toward life (which developed in response to my dad's behavior) affected me WAY more than my dad's drinking.

Unfortunately, while your intentions are good, your instincts are dead wrong. The absolute WORST thing that a family that contains an addict can do is NOT talk about it. When everyone knows something is wrong, and no one is allowed to talk about it, or is told "nothing" is going on, THAT will drive a person crazy much quicker than the supposedly mild addict behavior you have described.
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Old 03-15-2009, 02:41 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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About the original topic: I started having bad anxiety and was diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder a few months after I met ABF. It was so bad that I freaked out over absolutely irrelevant things (for example I was terrified of getting a disease that I could not possibly get or about getting deported when there was no reason whatsoever in sight) and once a month for a week I was a hormonal wreck. My doctor put me on Zoloft and it worked wonders (still does). After a little while ABF told me that he was about to end the relationship because he could not take it anymore. He said: "I know it's not your fault, but when you get into that state of mind, I get so anxious and worried that it makes me sick." And it was perfectly fine for him to say that and it would have been perfectly fine if he had left me (we used to joke that our relationship is sponsored by Zoloft).

My point is that nothing is only about ME, whether it be addiction, anxiety, illness, etc. when these things are connected to making healthy or unhealthy choices There are always people who suffer with us and while we have to ultimately make the decision about our lives, we cannot expect people to accept this decision and suffer when it's healthier for them to detach. Would a mentally healthy person want compassion from someone when that compassion makes them miserable, depressed, ill, or all of the above?
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Old 03-15-2009, 06:36 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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there are many good answers above me. just hello & welcome to S.R.
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