what do I say?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
what do I say?
Well. daughter moved and started her job. She was happy. 1 wk. latere and it's falling apart for her. She found out there is a bus stop 4 mi. way, The couple next door are supposedly dealing. Her room mate ( one who got her the job) is using ectasy, She is 4 months behind in utilities, 2 months in rent, This is a far cry from what either one of us knew. daughter was told how great things were for her friend. Friend is a supervisor of chain business, but doesn't have her poop in a group. People in and out all day. daughter loves her job, but it is entry level at this time( being a felon, she is grateful to have a job) Problem-- she could move but doesn't make enough and is afraid she won't find a partime job to help her out. This job could be only 25 hrs. a week , but a possibllity it could be more for her. She is talking about leaving and coming back. she will be giving up a job which she hates to do, but doesn"t see any recourse( neither do I) she tried to find work here for 2 months, but no luck (small town) I fell bad for her as she seems to really want to get her life back. I have heard with a felony, it,s next to impossible Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm going to quote something you wrote less than a week ago, okay?
Now explain to me why you are feeling bad for her today?
Has there been some miraculous change in her being in less than a week?
Are her current circumstances not a direct result of her own choices, including a felony record?
Are you the cause of that felony record, because if you aren't, you have zero reason to feel bad, no?
She has made some very compulsive choices in the last 2 months. One was moving in with a guy she knew for 2 weeks(that's done) Now she has been talking with her old bf of 4 yrs, they used crack together, robbed me blind together, ripped off my mom together, did all the things crack addicts do. In the end they hated each other. She wanted nothing to do with him, was happy to be finally over him. Well, today she no longer is (hates) him. ,but doesn't want to be a part of his life, yet she goes over to his place to visit???
Now explain to me why you are feeling bad for her today?
Has there been some miraculous change in her being in less than a week?
Are her current circumstances not a direct result of her own choices, including a felony record?
Are you the cause of that felony record, because if you aren't, you have zero reason to feel bad, no?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I actually see this as positive - she's seeing first hand what the drug lifestyle means. You can be supportive without supporting. As I tell my son over and over - this is hard but only he can get through this. He has to live with his own choices. If she wants out of there she can and will find a way - that doesnt have to mean moving back home to let mom take care of her. Maybe hitting some meetings and finding some new sober friends in the area could help her to find a new roommate or she can start looking at some of the local papers to see if there is anyone renting a room or an efficiency appartment available in the area.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Katie)))
My first reaction is, I, too, feel bad for her, but it is HER problem. I, too have a felony on my record, even though it's not supposed to be there (long story but it's a paperwork error). I wait tables in a restaurant.
These are consequences of our actions, and though they make our life hard, it's something we have to deal with.
I don't know the answers, but if I remember, correctly, she didn't really want to listen to you when she was living at home...she had her mind set and was going to do things HER way. Now she is living with the consequences of her actions.
As adults, we have to learn that we can't come running home, every time things don't work out. Part of being an adult is figuring things out on our own. It's just important when we are in recovery. In fact, this was a HUGE part of my recovery...learning to deal with all this "life stuff" and staying clean. Yes, I did eventually move back home, but it was only because I had to take a month off for medical reasons and wasn't allowed to work. By then, I had a car and could drive the 40 miles to work. Before that, I had to live in a motel room, and depend on buses and trains. The motel was known for drugs, but I wanted recovery more.
It's not what I wanted, but it's what I had to do, to keep my job and have a roof over my head.
I know this is hard on you, too, because you're her mom.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My first reaction is, I, too, feel bad for her, but it is HER problem. I, too have a felony on my record, even though it's not supposed to be there (long story but it's a paperwork error). I wait tables in a restaurant.
These are consequences of our actions, and though they make our life hard, it's something we have to deal with.
I don't know the answers, but if I remember, correctly, she didn't really want to listen to you when she was living at home...she had her mind set and was going to do things HER way. Now she is living with the consequences of her actions.
As adults, we have to learn that we can't come running home, every time things don't work out. Part of being an adult is figuring things out on our own. It's just important when we are in recovery. In fact, this was a HUGE part of my recovery...learning to deal with all this "life stuff" and staying clean. Yes, I did eventually move back home, but it was only because I had to take a month off for medical reasons and wasn't allowed to work. By then, I had a car and could drive the 40 miles to work. Before that, I had to live in a motel room, and depend on buses and trains. The motel was known for drugs, but I wanted recovery more.
It's not what I wanted, but it's what I had to do, to keep my job and have a roof over my head.
I know this is hard on you, too, because you're her mom.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by katie53 
Problem-- she could move but doesn't make enough and is afraid she won't find a partime job to help her out. This job could be only 25 hrs. a week , but a possibllity it could be more for her. She is talking about leaving and coming back. she will be giving up a job which she hates to do, but doesn"t see any recourse( neither do I) she tried to find work here for 2 months, but no luck (small town) I fell bad for her as she seems to really want to get her life back. I have heard with a felony, it,s next to impossible Thanks for listening.
Problem-- she could move but doesn't make enough and is afraid she won't find a partime job to help her out. This job could be only 25 hrs. a week , but a possibllity it could be more for her.
What does she want it to be? Believe in her, don't feel sorry for her.
This job could be only 25 hrs. a week , but a possibllity it could be more for her.
and is afraid she won't find a partime job to help her out.
Fear can stop us from doing a lot of things, and it can be an excuse to ourselves to not let us move forward. We can do anything we want to do.
Not to be a smart us but Colonel Sanders was 65 years old (living in his car) and was told No 1009 before anyone said yes to his chicken recipe.
Whatever we want to do, we can do.
Tell her to hang in there and go out there and fight for herself, do what she wants to do. And give her a lotof hugs from us, and tell her she can do it.
We're all behind her.
JMO
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