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Old 03-11-2009, 03:51 PM
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Just a vent

Not sure what I'm looking for, I rarely post because when I do , I pretty
much here what I already know if that makes any sense. Anyway, cycling
between horrible anger and depression right now. My ABF has been pretty
much locked up the better part of two months now. A week ago he was
sent to long term treatment from jail.

I've pretty much had zero contact except some letters, that of course are
full of self righteous indignation, excuses, blaming and justifications for all his
deplorable behavior. While he was in jail I made the horrific discovery that
he's been cheating on me (why I was surprised I have no idea). So still trying to deal with that one. Somehow in my head I was okay with the addiction and all the stuff that comes along with it and had decided I could still do my best to help him because at least he was faithful (what a consolation, huh?) I come home from work last night to the first letter from him and a message on my machine from his caseworker. He needs clothes.

His letter humbly apologizes, asks forgiveness blah, blah, blah. and by the way , if it's not too much trouble, can I go pick up the stuff he left at the girlfriends? Is he kidding? Have I not suffered enough embarrassment, humiliation and pain?? Wtf?? Why, oh why do I even care??
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Old 03-11-2009, 04:24 PM
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Yes. You have suffered enough pain and embarrassment. You do not have to do anything else for this guy. This latest bit of news is probably just what you needed to know to finally cut the tie, to stop the communications, and to let him figure out how to deal with the consequences of his own behaviors. This could even "help" him in hitting rock bottom and finding himself ready to get straight. But that would be his business. You, on the other hand, have done what is right enough, and this is asking too much of you. Give yourself permission to say enough, you've had enough, and you just aren't going to live like this any more. Treat yourself with the respect you deserve. That is how you get others to treat you the same. Good luck!
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Old 03-12-2009, 02:58 AM
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His letter humbly apologizes, asks forgiveness blah, blah, blah. and by the way , if it's not too much trouble, can I go pick up the stuff he left at the girlfriends? Is he kidding? Have I not suffered enough embarrassment, humiliation and pain?? Wtf?? Why, oh why do I even care??
Sweetie, you deserve so much better than this. That request is absurd and a reflection of his lack of consideration for anyone but himself.

You say you already know the answers, and I suspect you already know what to do, which is to take your focus off what HE needs or wants or requests and figure out what YOU need or want for yourself. For me, going to live meetings helped me regain my balance and reclaim my life. Maybe give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs
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Old 03-12-2009, 07:37 AM
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Peace, to be perfectly honest, I really don't know how to do that. This relationship is pretty much the same relationship I've had my whole life. Same game, different players. I am now 41 years old, with no clue who I really am. I know I am a loving, caring person and yet constantly and consistently choose people in my life that are he!! bent on punishing me. Before this man, I was on my own for seven years. Yes, I was lonely, but I was safe. I don't want to be lonely the best years of my life, nor do I want to continue being in these abusive relationships. I was truly, deeply and madly in love with my A, and don't know how to move forward. I know what I am supposed to say, what I am supposed to feel, think, do..but when it comes down to it, I am at a loss.

Ann, your response has brought tears to my eyes. I am always the strong one, the responsible one, the dependable, and reliable one. And somehow, always the one that is disrespected and disregarded. I am not as strong as I come across. I feel like I am always pretending that nothing bothers me, and that it is impossible to ruffle my feathers, all the while, feeling like I'm about to be found out as the weak one who is about to crumble, because that is how I feel right now.
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Old 03-12-2009, 07:39 AM
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bmychelle, goodness girl, you deserve so much more then what he is willing or capable of giving you. First and foremost, RESPECT. His latest request IMO would be the final straw for me.

Please put the focus back on you, your needs. Take care of you.

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 03-12-2009, 07:45 AM
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I think I finally and truly understand what bottom is. I am there. I can't move, can't function Feel defeated, demoralized, broken and beaten. I can't even go to work today, and I never miss work. I actually did bring him what clothes he had left here at my home yesterday, and since I dropped them off I have been feeling like this. I did NOT go get anything from the g/f's house.
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Old 03-12-2009, 09:16 AM
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bmychelle,

WOW my situation almost mirrors what you are going through. My emotions are stinging right now with all kinds of feelings from anger, regret, sadness, and rejection, hurt behind relief, at least at times that’s how it feels.

Like you I am always the strong, dependable responsible one hiding my feelings and pretending nothing bothers me, guess I do that to appear as the strong, dependable responsible one!

I ended a 10 year relationship the other night, about 7 years too late. For the last 10 years all I’ve known is the comfort, the love and companionship of a terrific man who relapses into an unkind, unloving selfish individual. 3 relapse in the last 7 years. My problem was the relapses didn’t last long so the horrible individual didn’t appear for very long. I think that’s why I stayed.

Last summer I discovered he was in constant contact with a neighbor, very codependent very needy and her alcoholic husband left her and she felt she bonded with my bf because the alcoholic factor and she mostly talked about her ex and his drinking. The drama and chaos with her affected our relationship very much. He ended contact with her to his shock that she was in love with him, needed him, and stalked him for duration of time before she finally went away.

My bf was with me every night every weekend day and night yet I discovered a text message on his phone the other night to her saying “I love you” with her replying back “I love you with all my heart good night babe”. His response to me was, anger that I had looked at his cell phone, followed with his justification of we are only friends, her grand mother died and she needed someone to talk to. O and he told me that he always says I love you to his friends (he doesn’t have any friends) he hates everyone. The nodding off indicated to me he was abusing pain pills again, the throwing up and not eating all were tell tale signs of his most current relapse.

Back in January he received pain pills via a pain management for back problems. He was honest with the doctor, I was there and heard him. After a month he started going to pain management where about 3 weeks ago he asked to be put on suboxone. His lack of money these past few weeks indicates to me he is seeing several doctors using different pharmacys and paying cash for pain meds.

I think had I not discovered that text message I’d still be there I think waiting for the terrific man to re-appear once he got the beast of addiction under control again. I know in my heart discovering that text is what needed to happen to get me to leave and end it as I see his downward progression. We’ve split up before over his relapses this one is different I am different.

But I also have feelings that are stinging from hurt, betrayal which I still can’t figure out, he was with me every night and he was at work everyday so she was a phone pal I guess, who know’s and I wish I could say who cares but my feelings still care because I am so hurt by him. I have to go to the apartment this weekend and gather the rest of my things I am not looking forward to it and am thinking of calling him to see if I can just come after work and be done with it.

He was so angry the other night when I packed most of my things to leave, he said so much hurtful blah blah blah’s and managed to put all the blame on me.

Now it’s just getting my heart and head on the same page and focus on me and my future which will never again include an addict or alcoholic.

Guess working through these emotions which seem to flip on a dime, angry and hurt to sad and feeling down about myself is a process.

I am sorry this happened to you but please know you are not alone.
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:09 AM
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Atalose,Our lives do seem eerily similar, and I can really relate to all the scenarios such as the cell phone, the secret friends. I used to pray that he would nod off long enough to get a look at the phone, but he was always aware and deleted everything before I could get a look. I was relentless though, and pulled up the cell phone records online, he couldn't delete that. A wealth of information for me. It had gotten to the point where I questioned my own sanity. He is a very convincing liar, and it took alot to try and weed out the truth.
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:43 AM
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why do caseworkers assume that it's your responsibility to just drop everything and rush out there to bring him some clothes? why can't he wear the same outfit a few days in a row? let him stink a little bit, it's not like you have to smell him, right? tons of people in NA meetings are homeless, and wear the same outfit everyday, they're still allowed. it's kind of aggravating how the people involved with your addict seem to think you should just take care of everything. bring them cigarrettes, bring them clothes, bring them their favorite snack every now and then...
orrrr, how about this, he has a place to sleep, he's warm and he isn't starving or dying of sickness or dehydration, that should be good enough.
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:26 AM
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Yep, that was the call....a giant list of things I need to bring clothes, cigarettes, his body jewelry (c'mon), baby powder, etc, etc, etc.
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:43 AM
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yeah, it's kind of amazing to me how addicts will go for days without eating, sleep in their car, sell their watch and phones for drugs, pass out on their friends nasty floor covered in God-knows-what for days at a time without changing clothes or taking a shower, and then, all of a sudden, they need something and they just can't survive without a pack of cigarrettes or a sunkist.
makes you wanna say, "how come it doesn't bother you to contribute nothing to your bills and your family, but it DOES bother you when I contribute nothing to your superficial comfort level. "
oh, i know, selfishness.

and there's my vent.

oh, and, if i offer you ANY advice, it is this:
DO NOT GO TO HIS GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, for any reason, especially not to do something for him. He may try to tell you that he doesn't care about her and he never wants to see her again and it was temptation and it would not be good for him to go there and it is necessary you to "close the door" for him. you have been belittled enough. you do not need that kind of pain added to what you've already experienced. no matter how convincing he is, don't do it.
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:44 PM
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This is something that kind of screamed out at me because it recently came up in therapy:

Originally Posted by bmychelle View Post
I know I am a loving, caring person and yet constantly and consistently choose people in my life that are he!! bent on punishing me.
I learned we do that because we have a need to be punished. Exploring and understanding 'why' is important, but changing it is more important, especially when we're in danger physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
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