rayofsunshine

Background: I was married 20 years to my AH (DOC is meth), separated now for going on 6 months. His addiction was worse the last 7 years, he got in trouble with the law, attended a 1-year Christian rehab program to please the judge so he would not go to jail and was given 2 yrs. probation. Did excellent in rehab, was a leader, gave his testimony at various places with the group.

Relapsed about 3-4 months after graduation. Violated probation with failed drug tests. Went to 90 day state rehab. Again violated probation with failed drug tests. Went to 30 day state rehab. Again violated with failed drug tests. He was out of "chances". Sentence was activated and he served almost 2 yrs in prison. I had detached at this time and didn't really want him to come home, but he was insistent he had changed, so I gave him "one last chance".

He relapsed about 4 months later, things went downhill after that, until I finally asked him to leave. His leaving gave him a reason to go use with no responsibilities. He's not seen, talked to, or supported our kids since he left.

Sorry this is so long..... now to my current problem with my teenage son. My son who is 16, is failing school .... has F's in Honors English and Pre-Calculus currently. Barely passed Geometry with a D the 1st semester. Had an "F" in English 1st semester, so it's important for him to get passing grades this semester to pass for the year.

I've spoken with his teachers, the principal, etc. He's been grounded, his cell phone taken away, etc. He was not able to get his drivers license because of his grades. (State law here is you must be passing 75% of your classes.) When you have a conversation with him, he has an "I don't care" attitude.

His answer to everything is "I don't care." Says he doesn't plan to go to college, says now he's 16 he can just quit. I let him know that as long as he's living with me, quitting is not an option.

Anyway, just 3 weeks ago, on his progress report, he had a C- in English and D in Pre-calc. He got his cell phone & priviliges back. I thought we were on the right track. Until we just got the 6-week progress report and we're back to F's. The good news is their high F's, so hopefully he can bring up in the next 3 weeks before report cards.

I just don't know what else to do to motivate him anymore. I've tried taking away things so he'd have to earn them back. I've tried rewards. Nothing seems to help. I know it is tough on him not having his father around and living through the many years of addiction. I've always been the stable one, working, taking son to baseball practices/games etc. We are moving on ... the divorce will be final in Oct., though in hindsight I see where I stayed in this marriage WAY TOO LONG. Man, the damage my children have suffered, I know.

I'm exhausted .... any ideas?

liesagain

I'm with Anvil as far as he needs to know that you love him no matter what.

But my warning bells go off that he may be using or experimenting with drugs.......
classic signs slipping grades change in friend change in attitude

he could be acting out but he could be acting out in a way that could ruin his life.

Also he could be sufferring some depression over events with dad and typical teenage agnst

maybe talk to school councelor or seek private therapy..............better safe than sorry with the children (my opinion)

best wishes tough years..............mine are 20 and 17 (18 in May) so I feel for you

JustAYak

I agree with anvil for the most part. PLEASE follow the advice I quoted above...that is unbelievably important..

My grades all fell miserably around 14-15 years old (I'm only 17 now) because of all the crap that was going on with my dad and my mom. I was trying to figure out what to do with myself around those ages because everything had gone so downhill so quickly and I didn't have anytime to gather myself up. Grades were not important to me, nothing really was. I was trying to solve the puzzle that my parents left me with. Neither I nor my sister knew where everything was really heading and we only had each other really to be there for one another because both my mom and dad were so wrapped up in their own hxll that they practically forgot about us (not saying you did). No matter what privileges you take away, it won't change anything, there is a point where I started to think that everything was pretty worthless if it was all gonna end up like this ("this" being divorce among other things). Just give him the time he needs to gather himself up...

Liesagain could be right about the depression or the drugs too...not to worry you, but it's certainly possible. I turned to drugs...which certainly brings on a lot of depression later.

winnie12

I went through this with my AS and for us nothing i did made any difference in motivating him when it came to grades. The thing is if he didnt care about them there really wasnt anything i could do to make him care. To me education is important but to my son its not and there's nothing i can do or say to change that. Counseling may help at least get to the root of the problem so that you'll know if its drugs, depression or if he just isnt the type to get through school. At this point my son has failed so many classes he really has no option but to get his GED so that's what he's going to do. it was really hard for me to let go of that goal "I" had for him but it wasnt his and there's nothing i could do about it. its not the end of the world if he doesnt graduate but i would try to talk to him openly and honestly about what's going on in his life and why he has given up. sometimes cracking down hard on a kid about something they dont care about can drive them further into the darkness of their problems so like the others said make sure that he knows you love him no matter what he decides. Remember above all that his education is to improve his life not yours so at some point you may have to let him do what he chooses and then let him deal with those consequences. he'll probably regret it later but it is his life and he'll be the one that has to live with it.

bluebelle

You could try sitting down with him to have him make a few goals. Have him make a budget to show how much it will cost him when he gets out on his own. How much do people make at different careers? How much does he need to make to live how he wants to live? Maybe you can steer him toward a trade? Do you think that he would do better at a school where he can learn and trade and work while going to school? Have you tried talking to the school counselor? Maybe you could see what kinds of options are out there.

Also, it would be really good if he could get into some counseling. I know that when I was younger, my grades would really suffer when I was dealing with a lot of personal issues/problems at home. I think in some ways it was a cry for help. I would have loved to have had an adult sit down with me and ask me what was wrong. Is this a sudden change of grades from what he used to make?

There is nothing you can do about the past. It is great that you are providing him with structure and showing him that you care about what he does.

In a Tailspin

ditto, ditto, and ditto again!!

Ann

Because he is 16 years old and you are the responsible parent, I think I would look into counselling for him alone and also as a family.

What you have been through is what HE has been through too and as a child may need help in dealing with it. Better to get help dealing with it now than years from now when the damage has built up.

Whether he is using drugs or not, I think getting professional help would benefit both of you. He may not make his year, but that's not the end of the world. Knowing that help is available and that you want to work with him on this shows him responsible ways to deal with problems in life.

Just my thoughts.

Hugs

rayofsunshine

Thanks, Anvil! In the midst of everything, I was making his grades most important and forgetting that it's HIM that matters most.




SpeedyJason, I really appreciate your thoughts. What a wise young man you are for 17. I'd thought I had shielded my kids (3 teenagers) pretty much from the addiction Hxll. But from seeing your point of view and the way my son is acting now, he is pretty messed up and does need counseling. BTW I read some of your chain of love thread. Congratulations on 2 WEEKS !!!!
You are awesome!!

rayofsunshine

Thanks everyone for your input and support. After reading the replies by Anvil, Lies, SpeedyJason, I went home yesterday and gave him his cell phone back, let him know how much I loved him and how much HE mattered, I let him know it would have to be up to him if he wants his grades to improve .... and left it at that.

We had a breakthrough of sorts this morning... he told me he thinks he's depressed. He'd cried off & on throughout the night. On top of the addiction stuff, he's got girl problems and just doesn't feel like going on. So, as soon as the dr. office opened, we got an appt. His family dr. referred him for counseling. We have an appt. tomorrow morning.

Again, thank you everyone for your replies. It is so heartbreaking to watch your children suffer. I so wish I had known years ago what I know about addiction today. I would never have stayed as long as I did.

liesagain

I am so happy that he talked to you and that you have made him an appointment.
Your a good mom and hes lucky to have you.

hugs and best wishes to you both

winnie12

Sounds like he really needed to talk to you. You did a great thing for your son and I bet just having that off his chest and out in the open is very freeing.

JustAYak

I feel for you son. I had a bout with that too...

I commend you for being there for him

Serenity Bound

So glad he opened up to you.

Hugs,
Chris

timetogo

Sorry, I'm a little late chiming in. I'm glad that your son has an appointment.

I have an almost 17 year old daughter who has struggled with school since she was in grade 1! I and she have heard the same thing for years..........she is soooo very smart if only she applied herself. She is very social and believes that's what school is for lol!

When my AH and I were going through our roughest spot this past fall (he has recently moved out), one of her teachers contacted me about the fact that she was failing a couple of her courses. She had a very "what are you going to do about it" attitude that I personally resented. I got a little taste of how she was being treated in school by particularly this teacher. I know that she has been a "challenge" within the school (likes to hang out in the halls, doesn't hand her work in on time, master manipulator to get extensions etc etc) so she had gained herself a little reputation. So she felt EVERYONE in her life was shi****** on her. I explained a bit of the situation at home to the teacher. I made it very clear to her that her grades were really the very least of my worries with her -- that her mental health and transition to our home situation was way more important. I reached out to her other teachers as well letting them know that I was here to work with them as part of the team to support this kid who was stuggling.

She can make up classes -- she is young, she has time. Without making HER the important thing in the equation, she could be bound to a lifetime of depression, drug use, whatever.

She is doing much better. She knows (within reason and with some boundaries) that I've "got her back". You are doing the right thing -- let him know, no matter what, you will support him and be there for him and that you understand what he is going through.

Laurie

rayofsunshine

We went to the counselling appt. this morning. My son wouldn't get out of the car.
He said he felt better today, he's fine, and doesn't need help. I tried reasoning with him
for 10 min., then just went inside to let them know he wouldn't get out of the car and
we'd need to cancel. They were very nice, the dr. went out to the car and talked to
him, then my son came in with him. They talked awhile, then the dr. talked to me.

We have another appt. next week. He'll be able to determine if he needs depression
medicine in a few more visits.

My son had this picture of going to see as psychologist as something only "crazy" people go to. The dr. says he's only seen one actual "crazy" person in the last 7 years. Its usually everyday people that need to sort out life issues. My son was really talkative on the way home, so I do think it helped him getting some of his feelings out.

rayofsunshine

Thank you, Laurie. I'll remember this. I wish my son's English teacher was
more understanding. Even knowing his situation, she still plays hardball, strictly by the books. Can't make up any missed work, not even for a lower grade if turned in late. A zero stays a zero. Nothing for extra credit.
That depresses ME! But he is still young, and as long as he is ok mentally,
he can still make up the class next year. Thanks for the reminder!

rayofsunshine

Thanks Anvil... dark chocolate and a vanilla latte sounds good! We eat out with my
parents on Friday night, so maybe a hot fudge sundae will do the trick.

It sure feels good having hope! Thanks for your support.

devastated

I agree with everyone about the counseling. I can certainly relate to this "not caring" attitude no matter what you take away.

To begin with, 16 is such a difficult age for kids now add to the mix family problems, and what do you get, a mixed-up kid.

The good news is you have caught this early and there is hope that he will snap out of it with some good counseling.

Good luck I'll send prayers.

Incidentally, I would never pass those classes either and I'm older than 16! Yipes, calculus. Shoot, I can barely spell it!

Hugs, Devastated

rayofsunshine

Thanks, Dev! You know, I'm not smart enough to help him with his homework either.
I thought I was pretty smart, but school is alot harder than when I went!

rahsue

YEEHAA SOUNDS TO ELIKE YOU'RE BOTH ON YOUR WAY TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS!!!!!!