MrsMagoo

Thanks Amy. I don't know why I was so irresponsible - it's not like me. Like I said, I think I was acting out in my own way.

Impurrfect

((Janet)) - that's what I did...I even had a friend, who said my two main problems were "M&M's...men and money". I made decent money, MOST of the time I was responsible with it, but when things got stressed about the MAN part, I would "act out" with the MONEY part...usually, just spending irresponsibly, and then say "oh, darn, I forgot to pay the bills!!"

It was a long, long time ago, but I remember it well. In hindsight, I think I was more comfortable with chaos in my life. If it wasn't there, I created it (subconsciously). You may want to think about it. He's been in rehab, you've been doing your own thing, and...oops, you blew an entire paycheck. I may be totally off base, but it's what I figured out about ME, and may give you something to think about.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

Mrs. Magoo, I don't know why, but I have connected with you and what is going on in your life on a very deep level. I care very much. That is why I take the time to respond, harsh though it may seem.

I'm going to let it all hang out here. I have been scammed by the best, and left with what felt like my heart and guts splattered all over the floor and thought I would never EVER get any semblance of sanity back.

When my ex-fiance walked out on my then 11 year old daughter and me in 1999, that is when I truly hit my codependent bottom. He was nothing more than a dry drunk now that I look back, but you could not have told me that at the time because I saw only what I wanted to see because he was my knight in shining armor because I was still coming from a place of neediness.

When he left, I finally saw the damages, and it just wasn't my heart and my own sanity. It was my daughter's heart, my granddaughter's heart, his two daughters' hearts whom I had grown to love for the month I had cared for them when they had come to stay with us during that summer. My workman's comp settlement that had gone into a savings account had been completely depleted because I had covered all the bills while he was cleaning up legal messes from his past. I was jobless and without a penny because he had specifically told me NOT to get a job that summer so I could stay home with his girls when they came to visit. He even wanted the engagement ring back that he had put on my finger. He walked out after the money was gone, and my 'babysitting' job was over.

I had had 9 years continuous recovery in a 12 step program at that time, and I have no idea how I managed to get through that without blowing my brains out, but I did.

Codependency kills, Mrs. Magoo. It does. That's a fact. You're still wet behind the ears with recovery in codependency, and I don't say that as a mean thing, it's just what it is. He's going to chew you up and spit you out. I am afraid, no, I'm terrified of what your mental state is going to be when that happens. I care a great deal about you, and I am terrified for your life.

How's that for gut level honesty?

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

Janet, I did the same thing while my fiancee was in treatment. I ate a lot of meals out. The ones we did eat at home were usually frozen pizza or "heat and eat" type meals (that's very unlike me, i usually cook most everything from scratch and out of our garden). I bought myself a few new outfits, and my son some stuff too. I tried to take care of some bills and in turn let other, more important ones slide. I made our already bad financial situation slightly worse due to my depression and my "poor me" syndrome. But I got through it, no permanent damage was done, and you will too. The good thing is you recognize the financial decisions you made were bad ones, whereas our addicts (or at least mine) made bad decision after bad decision while they were spending God-only-knows-how-much money on their DOC (and i'm not just talking about financial decisions, either) and rarely gave it a second thought.

I got a credit card at a local clothing store a few months before he went to treatment and didn't tell him about it (I only spent a total of maybe $200 on it)... not because i thought he'd care, just because I knew he was lying to me and I wanted to have my own secrets too. So stupid of me, but it was self-medicating, I guess.

MrsMagoo

I was definately "self-medicating" with eating out and treating others to a nice time. It's what made ME feel good!! Amy - you hit the nail on the head.

Freedom - thank you. You obviously touched a nerve when you said I wasn't the same person I was 3 1/2 weeks ago. I'm not but in a better way I think. I am trying to be hyperaware of what I'm doing and not doing.

AH is home and so far so good. I know that this is the "honeymoon" period and I have to admit, I like it. I was home sick today (we both have strep throat) so he broke his neck, even with all the pain he's in, to see that I had what I needed.

Oh - I've got to tell you - he is twitching and shaking from the benzo's still. It is pretty distracting and scary. His memory is toast.