alot to process after my brothers death
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2
alot to process after my brothers death
Hello, I was searching the net for a forum to share the hardships that addiction/depression has caused me. I recently just lost my younger brother to depression/addiction and now that his life story has played out, I'm having difficult time processing my emotions. Or should i say twisting my thoughts in way that at least doesn't make me feel so guilty. I know as time goes this process will get better. I know as i scrutinize the past for what I consider the single event or events that led to my brothers decline will change as I process all of my emotions. I hope!
A week after our mothers funeral i had to call the police and have my brothers apartment broke into where we found him temporarily paralyzed from cocaine use. Basically from that point I became at 24 the dad/mom/brother with my 16 month younger brother. Hoping he would grow out of this, toward the end of his life i even excepted my reality and decided that this was how it was going to be and that I would always have to make up the difference for my brothers short comings the rest of my life, my brother not knowing this of course. How wrong for me to except that reality I was even at what considered there being no hope! A year had passed since our mother's passing and my brother had been clean for most of it. I thought this was a excellent opportunity for my brother to enlist into the army. He always struck me a structured type of guy so I honestly thought the military was a perfect fit. He did good the first year enlisted but the second year into his enlistment he got into fight and cut his hand pretty bad and got staph infection. Of course when they put him on the pain medication he had no objections to that, he was hooked again. The military eventually processed him out with general discharge which i thought he didn't deserve and he was back home. He did good for about a year and something happened causing him to start using. It is all clear to me now, my brother was and had been deeply depressed for quite some time. He never got a foothold on life when he was an adolescent making his root cause of depression extremely diluted by his self medication of opiates. So me and my brother had a chat and decided that we needed to get him into a program of some kind (which had been tried before), thankfully the type of discharge he got from military he was able to get help from VA. Before he was able to move into the halfway house that VA provided he had to spend the night at the homeless shelter, I thought for sure that this would be the so called bottom he needed. He did really well the first year, had normal 8 to 5 job working security and not the kind of job where he sat on his but, he had to stay active. During this time his over all attitude was much better and he seemed to start to grow up a little, start liking things that I did. I was very excited about this and it gave me a little hope that one day he would get married and have children like I had already just recently did. I thought him seeing his nephew born, which he loved very much was proof that hey if one of us can do it then he could as well. I say this loosely but i mean get married, buy house, and have income to support how ever many children you decide. Well shortly after my son was born i feel this is where I made a huge mistake with my brother. The security job he had and was doing very well at one of the tenants noticed his good work and propositioned him to work for her. She owned a jewelery store and needed a new security guard and said she would double his income, the only catch was he had become a licensed gun holder. When he explained this to me, who was i to tell him no, he was 29 year old man, who am I to say what he can or cannot do and the prospect of him making a decent salary was very exciting for him and me. Well shortly after that he started doing things that were very traumatic for me, so I had to be the hard ass with him again. During this time he ended up getting locked up (the gun was involved) for a few months and i saw him once or twice but i made it very clear i was extremely disappointed and that I was very pessimistic about his future which I never had that approach with anything in my life before. He got lucky the county could not locate any of the witnesses so he got let go with nothing going on his record, so I thought. The night he got out was right before Thanksgiving, i was being a little optimistic with him and explained that if i was going to have to be his brother/parent that he had to give the gun to me, he agreed. We chatted for a bit and i said I would pick him up to come over for Thanks Giving. Well last minute I had to travel to Toronto for work and Thanks Giving became a travel day for me. He called me that Thursday morning and i told him I was stuck at airport, I could tell he was disappointed, and maybe didnt believe me. That was the last time I spoke to him. A week later i got a call, i was about to board a plane in NY, it was the city morgue on December 11th.
I just got his toxicology report and I now see (which i already knew) this was a huge accident. He had very low levels of methadone and tramadol, the tramadol works like opiates and effects same part of brain, I guess the tramadol can still bind to the opiate receptors even though the methadone is suppose to block it. The combination of the two proved deadly in my brothers case. Ive been reading a bit as you can see from my recent knowledge of how opiate receptors work. Like I said I know as I go over the 1000 different scenarios of my brothers mistakes and how i may have or not contributed to them or maybe I was or wasnt hard enough on him. May not be the best approach for me. This is where I'm at, a huge amount of guilt, remorse, and disappointment.
A week after our mothers funeral i had to call the police and have my brothers apartment broke into where we found him temporarily paralyzed from cocaine use. Basically from that point I became at 24 the dad/mom/brother with my 16 month younger brother. Hoping he would grow out of this, toward the end of his life i even excepted my reality and decided that this was how it was going to be and that I would always have to make up the difference for my brothers short comings the rest of my life, my brother not knowing this of course. How wrong for me to except that reality I was even at what considered there being no hope! A year had passed since our mother's passing and my brother had been clean for most of it. I thought this was a excellent opportunity for my brother to enlist into the army. He always struck me a structured type of guy so I honestly thought the military was a perfect fit. He did good the first year enlisted but the second year into his enlistment he got into fight and cut his hand pretty bad and got staph infection. Of course when they put him on the pain medication he had no objections to that, he was hooked again. The military eventually processed him out with general discharge which i thought he didn't deserve and he was back home. He did good for about a year and something happened causing him to start using. It is all clear to me now, my brother was and had been deeply depressed for quite some time. He never got a foothold on life when he was an adolescent making his root cause of depression extremely diluted by his self medication of opiates. So me and my brother had a chat and decided that we needed to get him into a program of some kind (which had been tried before), thankfully the type of discharge he got from military he was able to get help from VA. Before he was able to move into the halfway house that VA provided he had to spend the night at the homeless shelter, I thought for sure that this would be the so called bottom he needed. He did really well the first year, had normal 8 to 5 job working security and not the kind of job where he sat on his but, he had to stay active. During this time his over all attitude was much better and he seemed to start to grow up a little, start liking things that I did. I was very excited about this and it gave me a little hope that one day he would get married and have children like I had already just recently did. I thought him seeing his nephew born, which he loved very much was proof that hey if one of us can do it then he could as well. I say this loosely but i mean get married, buy house, and have income to support how ever many children you decide. Well shortly after my son was born i feel this is where I made a huge mistake with my brother. The security job he had and was doing very well at one of the tenants noticed his good work and propositioned him to work for her. She owned a jewelery store and needed a new security guard and said she would double his income, the only catch was he had become a licensed gun holder. When he explained this to me, who was i to tell him no, he was 29 year old man, who am I to say what he can or cannot do and the prospect of him making a decent salary was very exciting for him and me. Well shortly after that he started doing things that were very traumatic for me, so I had to be the hard ass with him again. During this time he ended up getting locked up (the gun was involved) for a few months and i saw him once or twice but i made it very clear i was extremely disappointed and that I was very pessimistic about his future which I never had that approach with anything in my life before. He got lucky the county could not locate any of the witnesses so he got let go with nothing going on his record, so I thought. The night he got out was right before Thanksgiving, i was being a little optimistic with him and explained that if i was going to have to be his brother/parent that he had to give the gun to me, he agreed. We chatted for a bit and i said I would pick him up to come over for Thanks Giving. Well last minute I had to travel to Toronto for work and Thanks Giving became a travel day for me. He called me that Thursday morning and i told him I was stuck at airport, I could tell he was disappointed, and maybe didnt believe me. That was the last time I spoke to him. A week later i got a call, i was about to board a plane in NY, it was the city morgue on December 11th.
I just got his toxicology report and I now see (which i already knew) this was a huge accident. He had very low levels of methadone and tramadol, the tramadol works like opiates and effects same part of brain, I guess the tramadol can still bind to the opiate receptors even though the methadone is suppose to block it. The combination of the two proved deadly in my brothers case. Ive been reading a bit as you can see from my recent knowledge of how opiate receptors work. Like I said I know as I go over the 1000 different scenarios of my brothers mistakes and how i may have or not contributed to them or maybe I was or wasnt hard enough on him. May not be the best approach for me. This is where I'm at, a huge amount of guilt, remorse, and disappointment.
Last edited by kjuled; 03-10-2009 at 02:37 PM. Reason: because maybe too long
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kjuled)))
Welcome to SR!
I am so sorry for your losses..both of your mom and your brother.
I can TELL you not to feel guilty, but I know that doesn't mean you won't still feel it.
I'm a recovering addict, and I know there are many, many times I took things that should have killed me. I had no intention of suicide, my only thought was to get numb or high, and that was most likely your brother's intention, also.
We tell people who are dealing with A's (addicts) about the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it. I know your brother is gone, but this still applies. You did everything you knew to do, and all I see is actions of a very loving sister.
I hope you continue to read and post. There are some wonderful, supportive people here. There are a few who have recently lost loved ones to addiction, so you are definitely not alone.
Grief takes time, and it is an individual thing, but we are here to walk through this process with you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!
I am so sorry for your losses..both of your mom and your brother.
I can TELL you not to feel guilty, but I know that doesn't mean you won't still feel it.
I'm a recovering addict, and I know there are many, many times I took things that should have killed me. I had no intention of suicide, my only thought was to get numb or high, and that was most likely your brother's intention, also.
We tell people who are dealing with A's (addicts) about the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it. I know your brother is gone, but this still applies. You did everything you knew to do, and all I see is actions of a very loving sister.
I hope you continue to read and post. There are some wonderful, supportive people here. There are a few who have recently lost loved ones to addiction, so you are definitely not alone.
Grief takes time, and it is an individual thing, but we are here to walk through this process with you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
kjuled, Welcome to SR! I am so very sorry about the loss of both your mom & brother. As Amy said, you didn't cause this, and you sure couldn't have cured it. Sounds to me like you are a very loving and supportive sister. Be easy on yourself.
Hugs & Prayers,
Chris
Hugs & Prayers,
Chris
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Kjuled, I am so very sorry about the loss of your brother and also your mother.
Something we all have learned here...we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Sadly, nothing you did or did not do could have changed the outcome for your brother. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. Drugs kill our loved ones and it never fails to break my heart when I hear a story like yours.
It may help you to process this grief by going to meetings and finding live support from people who have been where you are. And stick around here also. Others who have lost loved ones here may be able to share what helped them get through the loss.
Hugs
Something we all have learned here...we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Sadly, nothing you did or did not do could have changed the outcome for your brother. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. Drugs kill our loved ones and it never fails to break my heart when I hear a story like yours.
It may help you to process this grief by going to meetings and finding live support from people who have been where you are. And stick around here also. Others who have lost loved ones here may be able to share what helped them get through the loss.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, and then your brother.
There isn't anyone powerful enough in this world to stop an addict from doing what they do, hon.
I strongly suggest you look for grief support groups in your area to help you work through all the emotions that you are feeling. :ghug :ghug
There isn't anyone powerful enough in this world to stop an addict from doing what they do, hon.
I strongly suggest you look for grief support groups in your area to help you work through all the emotions that you are feeling. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sorry for your loss. The others have already said it, but I will repeat it. It is not your fault. And as Ann has said, If love and support could stop an addict, none of us would be here. Now is the time to take care of yourself and get the help you need to let go of the guilt. Welcome to SR. Hugs, Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry for your loss. I guess it is a pretty natural part of the grief process to look back and wonder whether you could have made a difference. Unfortunately, with addiction, the disease is far more powerful than any love we have or any attempt to cure or control it. It sounds as if your brother struggled for awhile but tried so hard to beat this horrible disease. That was something that helped me to focus on as I grieved the loss of my daughter...she knew the drugs were taking control and she wanted to defeat them...She tried, just like your brother tried and I am sure he was forever grateful for your love and support. I know my daughter is at peace now and her struggles are over...I feel the same is true for your brother. I don't know why they had to die, but I know their time here was important and made a difference.
Be gentle with yourself...I find attending naranon meetings, even though my daughter has died and addiction is no longer a major part of my life has helped me understand, learn to focus my life back on me and accept what I can control...me and how I will live the rest of my time here. Hugs
Be gentle with yourself...I find attending naranon meetings, even though my daughter has died and addiction is no longer a major part of my life has helped me understand, learn to focus my life back on me and accept what I can control...me and how I will live the rest of my time here. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
kjuled,
I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my brother to an OD four years ago.
I had to wrestle with alot of very powerful emotions...anger, sadness, guilt...
I hope you realize in your heart that what everyone says above me is right...there is nothing you could say or do to prevent your brother from using drugs,. The choices he made in his life were his own. I believe tht he knew you loved him...even when you wanted to choke him...He was blessed to have such a loving sister. I hope you can hold on to your happy memories of your brother. Things WILL get easier with time...its just going to take a long time to process the loss. BE gentle with yourself...be patient...and trust that your brother is at peace and that he knows how much you always loved him.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my brother to an OD four years ago.
I had to wrestle with alot of very powerful emotions...anger, sadness, guilt...
I hope you realize in your heart that what everyone says above me is right...there is nothing you could say or do to prevent your brother from using drugs,. The choices he made in his life were his own. I believe tht he knew you loved him...even when you wanted to choke him...He was blessed to have such a loving sister. I hope you can hold on to your happy memories of your brother. Things WILL get easier with time...its just going to take a long time to process the loss. BE gentle with yourself...be patient...and trust that your brother is at peace and that he knows how much you always loved him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 123
kjuled,
I am sorry for the losses of your mother and brother. I feel your pain. My son died from an accidental heroin overdose on Sep 4, 2008. I too have had many tortured nights trying to deal with guilt, remorse, and unbelievable heart-wrenching grief. I didn't know my son was using heroin because he had just started after being clean for over 9 years. I never thought he would use again. For a time, I beat myself up for not knowing, but now I realize that even if I had known, I couldn't have stopped him. Your brother and my son had the disease of addiction. They died from it. You are a good loving sister and I pray that we can both go on and find our peace within ourselves.
Love,
Joey's mum
Katy
I am sorry for the losses of your mother and brother. I feel your pain. My son died from an accidental heroin overdose on Sep 4, 2008. I too have had many tortured nights trying to deal with guilt, remorse, and unbelievable heart-wrenching grief. I didn't know my son was using heroin because he had just started after being clean for over 9 years. I never thought he would use again. For a time, I beat myself up for not knowing, but now I realize that even if I had known, I couldn't have stopped him. Your brother and my son had the disease of addiction. They died from it. You are a good loving sister and I pray that we can both go on and find our peace within ourselves.
Love,
Joey's mum
Katy
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