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Can't decide - Is he using again!

Old 03-10-2009, 02:11 PM
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Can't decide - Is he using again!

I think my husband is using again. I hate thinking this, and I think I keep trying to convince myself he's not. He says he's not, but I know the lies!

Why I think he's using: He doesn't eat much. He's lost weight, especially in the face. When he first came home from inpatient treatment in early November, his face was full, rounded. He looked good. This look has faded away.

He doesn't really do anything. He lays in bed most of the time watching TV. He complains his shoulder bothers him (from an old injury from the service years ago, and he receives a small 10% disability for). He lays in bed with the heating pad on his shoulder. Sometimes I feel like he just uses this as an excuse, so he can be laying in bed doing nothing.

He goes to meetings, 4-5 a week, has a sponsor, but doesn't really seem to be working a program. He really isn't working very much on his steps.

He sleeps, but always complains that he didn't sleep well. He has been taking sleeping pills, prescribed by the doctors when he was in treatment, and he also takes anti-depressants prescribed while in treatment. Sometimes I feel like these help him sleep rather than being up, and mask his using.

There was always a funny smell to him when I know he was using, and I swear I am smelling it again.

He still seem very depressed, unmotivated, and just plain empty.

Why I convince myself he's not using:

He has no money, and no access to any, at least not from me. He gives my his entire paycheck.

He doesn't go anywhere except to work and meetings. (However, I have wondered if he is really going to meetings at times).

He doesn't really act like he did when I knew he was using for sure, like staying up for days, going from happy and uppity for a day or two, then crashing. I never see the happy uppity part.

He doesn't get angry or blow up. He did once a few weeks ago, and it was not something that should have made him act like he did. (daughter called from school and wanted someone to bring her a motrin because her arm hurt from injuring it at dance the night before)

Any way I am very confused, and I am sure I'm in denial. I am also running out of time to finish this, so I guess I'll just leave it here.

BTW, his DOC is meth!

I know there are recovering addicts here as well, and I really would like to here from you.

Thanks, I need advice, or just a swift kick in the a$$!!
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Old 03-10-2009, 02:18 PM
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If it looks like a Pine Tree, works like a Pine Tree, smells like a Pine Tree, reasons like a Pine Tree, and messes up the place like a Pine Tree - then it's probably a Pine Tree.

By the way - even notice that we always "doubt" ourselves - when the A's in our lives have proven time after time after time that when we think they are "using" again they usually are?????????

Why doubt - trust yourself and trust your HP to allow you know what you need to know when you need to know it!! Trust yourself - you know what you know. Why give benefit of doubt to someone who hasn't earned it?

Trust yourself, Trust your HP, your inner wisdom and Take good care of YOU!!!!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 03-10-2009, 02:39 PM
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The hardest part for me is to see them doing so well then all of a sudden they start doing horible. This is hard because you know they are capable of recovery!!!
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Old 03-10-2009, 02:48 PM
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My abf was JUST like this last week. I could've sworn that he was using again - instead of going to his meetings like he said he was. Had that smell, the look, the whole nine.

Found out - from his sponsor (the Nazi he is) - that he is clean. (Sponsor had him take a test cause he was seeing the same things.)

Upon further investigation - from the sponsor not me - he was just having his 'itch' to go back out. He was struggling with his demon and, according to him, it was close to winning.

I'm not trying to suggest being in denial. You know your husband better than us and Japic05 has it right - if it looks like a pine tree...

Be prepared ALWAYS just in case.
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Old 03-10-2009, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by wuzzled View Post
He doesn't really do anything. He lays in bed most of the time watching TV. He complains his shoulder bothers him (from an old injury from the service years ago, and he receives a small 10% disability for). He lays in bed with the heating pad on his shoulder. Sometimes I feel like he just uses this as an excuse, so he can be laying in bed doing nothing.
Is that acceptable to you from someone without an addiction? If your answer is no (hope so!) then ask yourself why you tolerate, allow, and even contribute to it by enabling it.

After one relapse, my daughter was doing the same crap... nothing. I finally came to a place where I realized I was allowing her to use her addiction as a crutch. She knows she's always free to be a lazy ass but she can't do it here.

Hell, I've had to literally use crutches many times in my life, and I still made it to school or work, and took care of a baby, too.
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Old 03-10-2009, 05:40 PM
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Whether he's using or not, is this the way you want to live?
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Old 03-11-2009, 08:11 AM
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All of the behaviors you describe could be chalked up to depression. Perhaps the meds he's on are not managing the depression very well?

Just throwing that out there.
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Old 03-11-2009, 08:42 AM
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It doesn't sound like meth, but then we A's are known for abusing other drugs. It could be depression.

However, as everyone has already pointed out, the issue is, what is acceptable to you? Yes, addiction throws in the question of "using or not?" but it doesn't take away the addicts responsibility of their behavior. Even when we (yes, I'm an RA) are clean, we don't get to stop being responsible for our behavior. Just because we're clean, doesn't mean we don't have to do our part.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:02 PM
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Thanks everyone for your responses, they are helpful.

Boundaries, it's like I know in my head what the boundaries are, (and should be) but I'm not sure if my heart gets it. I am working on this. I have to make sure I can carry out the consequences if he steps over the boundaries, and I am not sure I'm there yet. I am attending Al-Anon, and reading daily. Looking for that COURAGE, I am making progress, just baby steps.

He does help out some, he takes out the trash (do have to remind sometimes), he takes daughter to school every morning and picks her up at dance class. He goes grocery shopping with me every week, and keeps gas in my car. He says when the weather warms up, he will be working in the yard, so we'll see how that goes.

I was reading another post about expectations after rehab, and know that I shouldn't have any to avoid disappointment. It's really hard not to have expectations.

One of the agreements made before he left inpatient treatment was, that if I asked him to take a drug test, he would. Next time I feel like he may be using, I will ask him to take the test.
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:31 PM
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Aw wuzzled,

I'm somewhere in between where you are, and where others are on this thread.

I know mine is useing again... walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... (addict..

Anyhow, I get the lump on the couch... or I get the high guy. I was trying to figure out if he relapsed, (obviously since he admitts it now) he has.... but regardless I am trying to evaluate what others have said here.

with or without the drugs.... is this what I want in a relationship?

These are questions that are hard to ask when you sit back, praying, hopeing , and waiting for the person you USED to know - to show back up in your life.

I think most people who have been through this, MUST have gone through this 'stage'. (accepting what their addict is- not trying to controll it anylonger, takeing care of yourself... BUT the final movement isn't there yet. The finality of realizing that our old loved one may not be comming home....even when they are RIGHT there in front of you on the couch....)

Aw the hurt.

I feel for you.
Love,
Cess
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Old 03-12-2009, 02:43 AM
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Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk View Post
All of the behaviors you describe could be chalked up to depression. Perhaps the meds he's on are not managing the depression very well?

Just throwing that out there.
As I read your post, these were my thoughts too. He has the symptoms of depression and maybe a visit to his doctor would help. Sometimes all they need is an adjustment in their medication.

The thing is, this is something HE should be thinking and doing, however, my experience is that sometimes just talking to them (in normal conversation, not emotionally) about why they are behaving the way they do can open the communication door and help me understand.

For me, working MY recovery may mean that I try not to interfere in anyone else's life. But it also means I don't have to pussyfoot around and I can have a conversation with any loved one about what is bothering me or them. I don't try to control the outcome or do for them what they should do for themselves, but having conversations is something people do and not something we have to hide from.

Just my thoughts/

Hugs
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Old 03-12-2009, 08:25 AM
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I wanted to add only one thing...........you said he agreed to take a drug test and if you feel hes using your going to ask him to take one

What is your plan if the test is positive? Do you ask him to leave or have some other "action"
because if there is no course of action on your part then whats the point of testing him?
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:43 PM
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If he tests positive, he will have to leave, and he knows this.

There just isn't any other option.
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Old 03-12-2009, 01:14 PM
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Leaving will be immediate. I already know he has no place to go, and so does he. Where he would go and how, would be his problem. I think I already said something to him some time back, that you should be thinking about Plan B, if this doesn't work out.

I had thought about him using more than the prescribed amount of his pills, but he hasn't ran out of any before refill time. The drug test I bought (yes, I already have one here) is specifically for meth, this is his DOC and what I would be looking for.
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Old 03-12-2009, 07:05 PM
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Sounds like he is basically NOT doing his drug of choice. Ever notice when they are high, they are full of themselves, big talk, constant talk, rattling on about this that and everything? I don't know anything about meth, but crack does all of the above mentioned.

How sad that we ended up even having to ask these questions. Please don't get me wrong, I am with you in finding the answers and this is the best place to be. Here among friends. I am speaking generally, just in how sad it is that drugs have hurt so many people when all we wanted to do was to love them and have a good life together.

I am so lucky that I work with about 150 males in my firm. Working with these non-addicts truly helped me change my perspective on what I was going home to. When I would ask them (a few of them, not the whole 150) what are you doing this weekend, well it was all so normal and so lovely. When I was living with my addict and my coworkers asked me what I was doing on the weekend, I just hung my head in shame. Not much, especially if he had a pay day. Sitting at home, playing the detective.

I have a hard heart now, so if he can't sleep, isn't motivated, doesn't want to get busy, enjoy life, so be it. I can and will do all of it. I made the mistake of caring way to much about him, and way to little about my happiness.

Hugs for you!

Jan
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Old 03-13-2009, 01:56 PM
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My first thought after reading your post was that he was doing drugs again.
However, it may be the meds that he is taking with prescription are too strong or not strong enough. So, that would be the first thing I would want him to look into. It takes a long time to get the strength correct.

I don't know about the smell though? My son's drug of choice is also meth; however, I have never smelled anything on him.

Hope it's just a matter of regulating the prescription meds, and not drugs.

Hugs, Devastated
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