Have a question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: A very HOT place, near the beach ;-)
Posts: 295
Have a question
Hi everyone,
I am myself a recovering addict with 9 months clean.
I am also a child/adult of an alcoholic/addict.
I usually post in the substance abuse forum but thought I should come this way and ask a question.
I abused pain pils for around 4 yrs. I have 2 small children. My youngest is only 3 and really doesn't remember some of the things i did. But my oldest is 7and she remembers. She doesn't bring it up a lot or remember a whole bunch but she does ask me questions about why did I do this or that and they are very random and at really off the wall times. Now she does not know about addiction for obvious reason (she is so young) but she does know that mommy was "sick"
I had a seizure in front of her and ended up in detox & hospital.
I have no desires or cravings to use and I am sooo grateful for being able to get into active recovery and I really am optimistic and hopeful for the future of myself and my family.
It just hurts so bad when she asks me why I did certain things or she questions me about things that happened when I was using..like falling asleep on the couch or saying stupid things that did not make sense and much worse things. I know this hurts her as well and I have told her many many times that she can always talk to me about it. Now of course because of her age I won't divulge to much info to her about why I did what I did.
I guess my question is...What DO I tell her? How do I help her cope with these confusing memories she has and help her process them in a healthy way so that they don't haunt her forever?
I remember thinking these same thoughts and having these same questions about my mom when I was a kid. I was really never able to process them appropriately and this horrible cycle HAS to end now.
Also, when these things come up, I have so much guilt, shame and horrible feelings that they are overwhelming at times that I really beat myself up.
I don't know, I guess I feel like..Why should she forgive me when I cannot even forgive myself?
Sorry for rambling here I just thought thay maybe someone could help me along here. My recovery is coming along absolutely wonderfully but I just have so much shame and guilt.
Thank you
HT
I am myself a recovering addict with 9 months clean.
I am also a child/adult of an alcoholic/addict.
I usually post in the substance abuse forum but thought I should come this way and ask a question.
I abused pain pils for around 4 yrs. I have 2 small children. My youngest is only 3 and really doesn't remember some of the things i did. But my oldest is 7and she remembers. She doesn't bring it up a lot or remember a whole bunch but she does ask me questions about why did I do this or that and they are very random and at really off the wall times. Now she does not know about addiction for obvious reason (she is so young) but she does know that mommy was "sick"
I had a seizure in front of her and ended up in detox & hospital.
I have no desires or cravings to use and I am sooo grateful for being able to get into active recovery and I really am optimistic and hopeful for the future of myself and my family.
It just hurts so bad when she asks me why I did certain things or she questions me about things that happened when I was using..like falling asleep on the couch or saying stupid things that did not make sense and much worse things. I know this hurts her as well and I have told her many many times that she can always talk to me about it. Now of course because of her age I won't divulge to much info to her about why I did what I did.
I guess my question is...What DO I tell her? How do I help her cope with these confusing memories she has and help her process them in a healthy way so that they don't haunt her forever?
I remember thinking these same thoughts and having these same questions about my mom when I was a kid. I was really never able to process them appropriately and this horrible cycle HAS to end now.
Also, when these things come up, I have so much guilt, shame and horrible feelings that they are overwhelming at times that I really beat myself up.
I don't know, I guess I feel like..Why should she forgive me when I cannot even forgive myself?
Sorry for rambling here I just thought thay maybe someone could help me along here. My recovery is coming along absolutely wonderfully but I just have so much shame and guilt.
Thank you
HT
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oooooo....how to talk to a child about such an adult topic! I'm afraid I can't help, but I can offer congratulations on your clean time of 9 months! And there should be folks along a bit later who have had to deal with this very issue.
Hugs to you and your family. HG
Hugs to you and your family. HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: eastern Wyoming
Posts: 65
Congrats on your recovery and making a better life for yourself and your children.
I can only relate my experience from when my children were young and I was causing codie craziness in our home with their dad. After I got in Alanon, the kids would bring up embarrassing memories. I admitted my weaknesses to them, pointed out reactions that didn't improve things, tried to share how/why my new tools were better. I let them talk about their feelings and fears from those times and we always got to how our lives were better. People told me how the "secrets" in our lives were damaging. Once the secrets were out in the open, they had much less power.
One uncomfortable (for me) outcome was when oldest child won the state's Young Author's contest with the story of her life before, during, and after. It was very positive, but it brought back feelings of guilt and embarrassment. I came to realize it was a healing thing for her and may have helped someone else. It wasn't about me and my image.
I can only relate my experience from when my children were young and I was causing codie craziness in our home with their dad. After I got in Alanon, the kids would bring up embarrassing memories. I admitted my weaknesses to them, pointed out reactions that didn't improve things, tried to share how/why my new tools were better. I let them talk about their feelings and fears from those times and we always got to how our lives were better. People told me how the "secrets" in our lives were damaging. Once the secrets were out in the open, they had much less power.
One uncomfortable (for me) outcome was when oldest child won the state's Young Author's contest with the story of her life before, during, and after. It was very positive, but it brought back feelings of guilt and embarrassment. I came to realize it was a healing thing for her and may have helped someone else. It wasn't about me and my image.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Hey HT - Unfortunately I had to pretty much tell them what happened as AH was still heavily in active addiction. I kept it simple and to the point, but initially I would NOT have told them as much if AH would have gotten his crap together.
My twins are 8. I sat them down and just told them drugs. They knew about drugs from DARE @ school, but don't really know what they are or do. There are great workbooks out there dealing with this and I would actually make worksheets based on the book asking questions. Also, there are books @ the library. I think for my 2 the key is to keep the lines open and after speaking with child psychologists, DO NOT LIE. You don't have to be brutally honest, but don't lie. Kids understand so much more than we think they do.
I also talked with the kids about "safe" people to talk to about questions they might have. My family, aunts, uncles etc. I didn't want them telling the entire 2nd grade class about this, so I told them that those people (family) had their best interests @ heart and that sometimes kids say things that are mean or not true etc. I also bought them journals and told them they could write whatever they were feeling and they could talk about it with me or if they didn't want to talk about it that was fine too. I bought them some new pencils and crayons just for the journals and that's helped alot. Also, I try to separate them alot and spend 1 on 1 time with them and make sure they can ask whatever they wanted. Congrats on being clean. You can't change the past, but sounds like you're on the right track for your future as well as your kids!
My twins are 8. I sat them down and just told them drugs. They knew about drugs from DARE @ school, but don't really know what they are or do. There are great workbooks out there dealing with this and I would actually make worksheets based on the book asking questions. Also, there are books @ the library. I think for my 2 the key is to keep the lines open and after speaking with child psychologists, DO NOT LIE. You don't have to be brutally honest, but don't lie. Kids understand so much more than we think they do.
I also talked with the kids about "safe" people to talk to about questions they might have. My family, aunts, uncles etc. I didn't want them telling the entire 2nd grade class about this, so I told them that those people (family) had their best interests @ heart and that sometimes kids say things that are mean or not true etc. I also bought them journals and told them they could write whatever they were feeling and they could talk about it with me or if they didn't want to talk about it that was fine too. I bought them some new pencils and crayons just for the journals and that's helped alot. Also, I try to separate them alot and spend 1 on 1 time with them and make sure they can ask whatever they wanted. Congrats on being clean. You can't change the past, but sounds like you're on the right track for your future as well as your kids!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I am a recovering addict, ACOA, and co-dependent. Being from such a dysfunctional family has been very difficult to process all the "stuff".
The thing is children are very aware and why it is so common to think they do not know what is going on is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond me. even the youngest new born knows when things ain't right.
I think denial is one of the biggest if not the foundation block of addiction.
My mother was the only child of 2 violent alcoholics something very serious happened to her when she was a child and she does not know what it was. Her legs are very messed up and it looks to me that as freaky as it sounds that they were turned around backwards. I have studied physiology and anatomy and have worked with doctors and studied her xrays so it is not just a wild guess...Even as a child I would look at her legs and question what was wrong with them. She knows she was not able to get out of bed for close to a year. Nobody in her family knows what happened to her either they do remember that she was very ill.
Why did her parent think it was best not to discuss this with her? I am sure things like this have totally messed up my whole family.
I think you should come out and tell your child you were a drug addict. I told my son about my addictions. I got clean before he was born so he did not experience my active addiction first hand. I felt like he needed to be told because he saw my other family members drunk and high a lot and he questioned their behavior so I just told him straight out what was going on.
My son is the only one of his first cousins that does not have drug and alcohol issues and I think it is because he was honestly told the whole story with no gaps. I feel like if the are old enough to ask the question they are old enough to be told the truth.
I wish you all the best and congrats on your clean time and hopefully you can help to prevent your daughter from having the same problems.
The thing is children are very aware and why it is so common to think they do not know what is going on is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond me. even the youngest new born knows when things ain't right.
I think denial is one of the biggest if not the foundation block of addiction.
My mother was the only child of 2 violent alcoholics something very serious happened to her when she was a child and she does not know what it was. Her legs are very messed up and it looks to me that as freaky as it sounds that they were turned around backwards. I have studied physiology and anatomy and have worked with doctors and studied her xrays so it is not just a wild guess...Even as a child I would look at her legs and question what was wrong with them. She knows she was not able to get out of bed for close to a year. Nobody in her family knows what happened to her either they do remember that she was very ill.
Why did her parent think it was best not to discuss this with her? I am sure things like this have totally messed up my whole family.
I think you should come out and tell your child you were a drug addict. I told my son about my addictions. I got clean before he was born so he did not experience my active addiction first hand. I felt like he needed to be told because he saw my other family members drunk and high a lot and he questioned their behavior so I just told him straight out what was going on.
My son is the only one of his first cousins that does not have drug and alcohol issues and I think it is because he was honestly told the whole story with no gaps. I feel like if the are old enough to ask the question they are old enough to be told the truth.
I wish you all the best and congrats on your clean time and hopefully you can help to prevent your daughter from having the same problems.
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