Need words of encouragement... or advice... please.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 2
Need words of encouragement... or advice... please.
Okay... so here's the story.
I am 22 years old. I live with my terminally ill father, and my 20 year old brother. When my brother was 13 he got caught smoking weed for the first time. As one can imagine it has only escalated in the past 7 years. Now he snorts oxycontin, takes it by mouth, smokes marijuana, and only god knows what else on a daily basis. My mom left in August because she could not handle my brother's addictions, disrespect, and explosive anger. Thus leaving me to be the woman of the household. I do every chore imaginable in the home, take care of three dogs, prepare meals, handle my father's finances and bills, and I am currently taking care of everything for his divorce save signing his name on the numerous legal forms, letters, and questionaires that have to be done. My brother has never had a job, he does not help with the house work. He stays up until 5 a.m. keeping everyone in the house up and eating all the food and sleeps until 2 p.m. When he wakes he complains every single day about not feeling well and will lay on the couch looking half dead for an hour or so. Every day. Then he goes out with his friends to get his fix. The other day I was doing the dishes and noticed we only had a few left so I knew they were all up in his room. So I get a pair of gloves and a garbage bag and go upstairs to collect the plethora of dishes that I know will be up there. And for the second time I see white powder, a knife, and a tiny cut off piece of a drinking straw on his desk. I noticed this around August before my mom left and nothing was done about it then, and seems like nothing is going to be done now. My father pays for his food, his video games, gas in the car, car insurance, and above all else he let's him live here. My father is a sick and fragile man. When my brother is confronted about anything that is not to his liking (not just drug abuse) he has an explosion of violence and anger. He has raised his fists to my father before and has actually hit me before, chipping a front tooth several years ago. My father won't admit it, but he's afraid of my brother. He refuses to kick blood out. I can't leave my father because I know he needs me, but I cannot continue living this way. My father has a lung condition and even walking to the bathroom is a struggle for him. He cannot cook or clean or care for our dogs. I'm only 22 and I have no life because I spend every waking minute taking care of a house I'm afraid to live in. I'm a housewife without a husband and a mother without children. I beg and plead and cry and scream at my father to get him to do something about all of this. And he promises that he will, but he never does. It's starting to eat at me and every day is a struggle... please... what can I do? How can I make my father see. It seems all my words are wasted on him and nothing ever changes. I was hoping the divorce would turn my brother around, but I know now that it was just wishful thinking.
Please help... I'm at the end of my rope.
I am 22 years old. I live with my terminally ill father, and my 20 year old brother. When my brother was 13 he got caught smoking weed for the first time. As one can imagine it has only escalated in the past 7 years. Now he snorts oxycontin, takes it by mouth, smokes marijuana, and only god knows what else on a daily basis. My mom left in August because she could not handle my brother's addictions, disrespect, and explosive anger. Thus leaving me to be the woman of the household. I do every chore imaginable in the home, take care of three dogs, prepare meals, handle my father's finances and bills, and I am currently taking care of everything for his divorce save signing his name on the numerous legal forms, letters, and questionaires that have to be done. My brother has never had a job, he does not help with the house work. He stays up until 5 a.m. keeping everyone in the house up and eating all the food and sleeps until 2 p.m. When he wakes he complains every single day about not feeling well and will lay on the couch looking half dead for an hour or so. Every day. Then he goes out with his friends to get his fix. The other day I was doing the dishes and noticed we only had a few left so I knew they were all up in his room. So I get a pair of gloves and a garbage bag and go upstairs to collect the plethora of dishes that I know will be up there. And for the second time I see white powder, a knife, and a tiny cut off piece of a drinking straw on his desk. I noticed this around August before my mom left and nothing was done about it then, and seems like nothing is going to be done now. My father pays for his food, his video games, gas in the car, car insurance, and above all else he let's him live here. My father is a sick and fragile man. When my brother is confronted about anything that is not to his liking (not just drug abuse) he has an explosion of violence and anger. He has raised his fists to my father before and has actually hit me before, chipping a front tooth several years ago. My father won't admit it, but he's afraid of my brother. He refuses to kick blood out. I can't leave my father because I know he needs me, but I cannot continue living this way. My father has a lung condition and even walking to the bathroom is a struggle for him. He cannot cook or clean or care for our dogs. I'm only 22 and I have no life because I spend every waking minute taking care of a house I'm afraid to live in. I'm a housewife without a husband and a mother without children. I beg and plead and cry and scream at my father to get him to do something about all of this. And he promises that he will, but he never does. It's starting to eat at me and every day is a struggle... please... what can I do? How can I make my father see. It seems all my words are wasted on him and nothing ever changes. I was hoping the divorce would turn my brother around, but I know now that it was just wishful thinking.
Please help... I'm at the end of my rope.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Khirsa,
While I don't know what to tell you about your situation, I do know one thing....you have come to the right place! Welcome to SR. There are many folks here with a lot of wisdom. Keep posting, keep reading.......
I wish for you strength. I am sorry you are going through this.....
Kind regards,
K
While I don't know what to tell you about your situation, I do know one thing....you have come to the right place! Welcome to SR. There are many folks here with a lot of wisdom. Keep posting, keep reading.......
I wish for you strength. I am sorry you are going through this.....
Kind regards,
K
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Khirsa 
.He has raised his fists to my father before and has actually hit me before, chipping a front tooth several years ago. My father won't admit it, but he's afraid of my brother.
He refuses to kick blood out. I can't leave my father because I know he needs me, but I cannot continue living this way.
He refuses to kick blood out. I can't leave my father because I know he needs me, but I cannot continue living this way.
You could set a boundary with your father. Tell him that you cannot go on living that way. Your father is an adult, he might not be able to physically care for himself, but he can still make his own decisions. It would be his choice.
And in the meantime, call the local domestic violence hotline for legal advice. Domestic violence laws don't just cover married couples, they cover everyone in the household.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
My heart goes out to you. Although my Mom is currently in a Nursing Home, I took care of her for several months in my home and I know, it's a great deal of work. But to have to put up with the crap your Brother is pulling is ridiculous!
First of all, Sailor John is right, domestic violence isn't just about spouses or couples. It's any family member. Domestic violence isn't just when someone physically harms you either. Intimidation, threats, these things are domestic violence. If I were you, find someone to stay with your Father tomorrow and go to your local police department and let them know what's going on. You have been doing so much for your Father already, do this for yourself and him! You know in your heart he's in no position to really do anything about your brother. He probably doesn't have the energy or strength to do anything about it. It's easier for him to "ignore it" than it is to face it head on.
Also, there are many agencies that can help you free of charge with things for you Dad. Once you have 5 posts, you can send and receive PM's and I can share with you how I found them for my Mom. She got not only help with caregivers who help with daily care including bathing, running errands, but transportation to all medical appts as well as any other places she wants to go. I arranged for her to get a free lift chair (recliner) as well as the emergency notification system and many other things as well.
As soon as you have 5 posts, get with me! I would love to help you get the help I got for my Mom. I know my Mom is everything to me and I want nothing more than to make her last days here on earth as pleasant as possible. Neither you or your Dad need any of this crap from your Brother. Not to be sounding like I am defending him, but I imagine this is his way of trying to deal with everything that has happened. It's not an excuse, but the drugs are a disease called addiction that he is the only one who can do anything about.
God Bless,
Judy
First of all, Sailor John is right, domestic violence isn't just about spouses or couples. It's any family member. Domestic violence isn't just when someone physically harms you either. Intimidation, threats, these things are domestic violence. If I were you, find someone to stay with your Father tomorrow and go to your local police department and let them know what's going on. You have been doing so much for your Father already, do this for yourself and him! You know in your heart he's in no position to really do anything about your brother. He probably doesn't have the energy or strength to do anything about it. It's easier for him to "ignore it" than it is to face it head on.
Also, there are many agencies that can help you free of charge with things for you Dad. Once you have 5 posts, you can send and receive PM's and I can share with you how I found them for my Mom. She got not only help with caregivers who help with daily care including bathing, running errands, but transportation to all medical appts as well as any other places she wants to go. I arranged for her to get a free lift chair (recliner) as well as the emergency notification system and many other things as well.
As soon as you have 5 posts, get with me! I would love to help you get the help I got for my Mom. I know my Mom is everything to me and I want nothing more than to make her last days here on earth as pleasant as possible. Neither you or your Dad need any of this crap from your Brother. Not to be sounding like I am defending him, but I imagine this is his way of trying to deal with everything that has happened. It's not an excuse, but the drugs are a disease called addiction that he is the only one who can do anything about.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
I'm so sorry you are living in that situation. I sincerely hope you will get in touch with serenityqueen, it sounds like she may have the information to get you started to live your own life. I too took care of my mom for a while, and it can be very tough, TG my AD wasn't using at the time.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((Khirsa))
Welcome to SR and I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this at such a young age.
Do you work or go to school?
You could also look into NarAnon or AlAnon meetings for face to face support.
Hopefully you can find a way to hook your Dad up with the help that he needs and then (in my opinion) it would probably be best if you moved out of the house and away from the chaos. Being born into the family does not mean you have to take care of everyone - they are all adults (Mom, Dad and brother) and are responsible for themselves and there is help available to everyone (including you) if they choose to accept it.
Take care, good luck and keep posting.
Welcome to SR and I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this at such a young age.
Do you work or go to school?
You could also look into NarAnon or AlAnon meetings for face to face support.
Hopefully you can find a way to hook your Dad up with the help that he needs and then (in my opinion) it would probably be best if you moved out of the house and away from the chaos. Being born into the family does not mean you have to take care of everyone - they are all adults (Mom, Dad and brother) and are responsible for themselves and there is help available to everyone (including you) if they choose to accept it.
Take care, good luck and keep posting.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Oh my gosh, 22 and the things you are dealing with!!!
I wish I could give you a big hug <<<<<<<<HUG>>>>>>>>>>
I too took care of my aging mother so I know the hard work, your brother on the other hand is something I never had to deal with.
I guess this is something you really need to make a decision on yourself.
Is there a place you can live and then just come to your father's house every day to take care of him? If you can get the help that is suggested above, it would free you up to find some peace. It doesn't sound like there's anything YOU can do regarding your brothers behavior, but telling your father that it's not fair to you at the age of 22 to deal with abuse and to be a maid to a 20 yr old who is quite cappable of finding work.
If your father realizes he needs you then perhaps he will at least come out of denial about your brother and learn, himself, some tools to fend off HIS codie behavior.
He does know about the drugs right? Ask him if he is willing to love his son to death. With no boundaries/help that is where your brother is heading.
Now please know that all that I've said is just my humble opinion and that there are people that will give you other advice. This is where you, making the decision for yourself comes in. Take the advice you want and need and throw the rest away.
Good Luck
I wish I could give you a big hug <<<<<<<<HUG>>>>>>>>>>
I too took care of my aging mother so I know the hard work, your brother on the other hand is something I never had to deal with.
I guess this is something you really need to make a decision on yourself.
Is there a place you can live and then just come to your father's house every day to take care of him? If you can get the help that is suggested above, it would free you up to find some peace. It doesn't sound like there's anything YOU can do regarding your brothers behavior, but telling your father that it's not fair to you at the age of 22 to deal with abuse and to be a maid to a 20 yr old who is quite cappable of finding work.
If your father realizes he needs you then perhaps he will at least come out of denial about your brother and learn, himself, some tools to fend off HIS codie behavior.
He does know about the drugs right? Ask him if he is willing to love his son to death. With no boundaries/help that is where your brother is heading.
Now please know that all that I've said is just my humble opinion and that there are people that will give you other advice. This is where you, making the decision for yourself comes in. Take the advice you want and need and throw the rest away.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
What a loving daughter you are to take care of your dad in his time of need. Not enough people care for the elderly and i've always thought there was a special place in heaven for people like you.
Is there any other family members, church, a good friend or anyone else that would come and talk with your Dad - someone that he would consider a peer or that he looks up to? Seems like he may need some intervention to get him to understand that this is just too much to put on your shoulders. He probably feels that he is having to choose between two children and that's hard for any parent but when they are elderly i think its even harder to make those tough decisions. The stress of caring for a medically fragile person is so overwhelming that to throw an addicted person in the mix is really just more than anyone could handle. What is your dad's mental capacity like right now? Maybe there are social services that could come in and talk to him and offer you some guidance on what you can do. Has your brother ever hurt your dad? If he has then social services would most likely remove him from the home themselves because elder abuse is very serious.
Is there any other family members, church, a good friend or anyone else that would come and talk with your Dad - someone that he would consider a peer or that he looks up to? Seems like he may need some intervention to get him to understand that this is just too much to put on your shoulders. He probably feels that he is having to choose between two children and that's hard for any parent but when they are elderly i think its even harder to make those tough decisions. The stress of caring for a medically fragile person is so overwhelming that to throw an addicted person in the mix is really just more than anyone could handle. What is your dad's mental capacity like right now? Maybe there are social services that could come in and talk to him and offer you some guidance on what you can do. Has your brother ever hurt your dad? If he has then social services would most likely remove him from the home themselves because elder abuse is very serious.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: on the road
Posts: 110
Khirsa,
you have come to the right place. I am sure good solid advise will be coming your way. I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. When my daughter was in active addiction, I found much hope and comfort here.
Things really began to turn around when I found some naranon meetings, and began to attend regularly. I first I felt guilty even leaving my house. I had to force myself to go. I cried all the way there, and all the way home, but felt better at the meeting. I tried different meetings until I found one that I fit in. You will find people there that will understand.
Eventually, my daughter found sobriety... and I do believe that educating myself really helped. Big hug to you, I hope you give meetings a try. I am in NJ and have found some really good ones. They are listed on the internet... under naranon of nj.
God Bless, and if you dad is up to it, maybe you could bring him too.
you have come to the right place. I am sure good solid advise will be coming your way. I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. When my daughter was in active addiction, I found much hope and comfort here.
Things really began to turn around when I found some naranon meetings, and began to attend regularly. I first I felt guilty even leaving my house. I had to force myself to go. I cried all the way there, and all the way home, but felt better at the meeting. I tried different meetings until I found one that I fit in. You will find people there that will understand.
Eventually, my daughter found sobriety... and I do believe that educating myself really helped. Big hug to you, I hope you give meetings a try. I am in NJ and have found some really good ones. They are listed on the internet... under naranon of nj.
God Bless, and if you dad is up to it, maybe you could bring him too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
