Freedom1990

You keep expecting an addict/alcoholic to act like a normal human being.

That is just a continuing disaster for frustration. Are you tired of living like that yet?

Expect nothing from him in the way of normal, period.

Expect nothing from him in the way of respect, decency, and kindness, period.

Expect nothing from him in the way of rational clear thinking, period.

Expect nothing from him in the way of fulfilling his marriage vows, period.

Expect nothing from him in the way of being a responsible parent, period.

UNHAPPY777

I guess I have to deal with what is real FREEDOM. I guess I was just wishing for a GLIMMER of hope..... I am sooo broken about this bizarre situation. At lease it is bizarre to me

Freedom1990

Wishful thinking kept me stuck in pain, chaos, and confusion.

You don't have to deal with reality. You can keep on doing what you're doing.

It's your choice.

Your chosen screen name indicates to me that your current way of handling the situation is not working for you however, no?

UNHAPPY777

Well, it was working for a while but, I think every DOG has it's day. I am tired of being mom, dad, bill balancer, juggler, miracle worker. social worker, therapist, teacher, garbage woman, cook, and most of all WORRIER.......

Da** it I can't do it all and I am soooo tired of trying. I am only one person and I can place the weight of the world on my shoulders. It just doen's fit. It's just too heavy!

winnie12

I know that feeling very well - so many people relying on you and you just get tired to your soul. what helped me was determining what really had to be done vs. what i thought had to be done in my idea of a perfect world. Did every bit of laundry have to get done today - do they kids have to go to every event that happens, do i have to stop everything and help someone? When i really looked at my life i found that in an effort to find perfection i was giving myself unrealistic expectations. So sometimes i let the laundry pile up or dont do the dishes immediately or I dont answer the phone when its someone i know will be wanting something or be draining emotionally. I have also learned to ask for help - from friends, from family, from kids. Even little kids can pick up their own toys or clean their room. Older kids can help around the house with daily chores. I am responsible for my children but i am not their slave. They are not my slaves either but in a family everyone has to give in accordance with their ability. I usually do the laundry but expect them to put up their own clothes, everyone helps with dinner dishes, they have to pick up their own belongings. When you are working together as a team it doesnt seem so bad and it all gets done faster which means you can do more things that you all enjoy doing.

As far as worrying - well at some point you realize it doesnt help - in fact it makes everything worse and it is a huge time and energy drainer. For me it is a symptom of an over-active imagination and is also a sign of my controlling nature. So, I try to only focus on today - just today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Its easier said than done but if you really look at it each morning and say what do i absolutely have to accomplish today - then only focus on those things. It does get easier in time once you realize what is important and what is fluff and mentally you do start adjusting - its still tiring being the sole support but you will get stronger in time. once last thing i have done is stop the "If" and "whys" - when i'm stressed and i let my mind start say "if he would only help us" or "why am i the only one" it just gets me into a victim state of mind. You wont get through this if you look at yourself as a victim. You have to look at yourself as a survivor - someone who lives their life to a higher standard and never lets anyone else pull her down or keep her from being the best that she can be.

UNHAPPY777

This is true I want so bad to play the victim role but, I know I have to taake my power over me back so that I can be the survivor that you talk about!

UNHAPPY777

LoL

Im so tired my students went on a 15 minute recess and I fell asleep. Sometimes you don't know how much a situation takes a toll on you!!!

winnie12

Two things

You need to stop and get some sleep this week and eat healthy - doesnt matter how much you have to do if you dont sleep and take care of yourself, you wont do anything good - it will completely change your outlook.

Secondly, start verbalizing positive reinforcement to yourself. Instead of saying I cant do this - say I am doing this. If you are talking with someone who offers sympathy dont take it - what i say when someone offers sympathy is "there's a lot of people worse off then me," or "everyone has tough times in life and this is just my time." things that dont perpetuate their sympathy and keep you from feeling sorry for yourself. Sympathy from others or for ourselves wont do us any good right now.

When i start feeling sorry for myself i remind myself of what i have. I have my daughter, I have a job, I have food in my fridge, I have family and a handful of good friends. i have a lot so i try to focus on what I do have vs. what I dont have.

UNHAPPY777

i agree I need to change my whole though process. I actually have in a way. See my mother and father have been married for 40 years and my mother has become a busy body over the past two years. My dad told me to handle my mom with a long handle spoon. He said she just loves her children and doesn't want to see me hurting. But, she has tried to make decisions for me that I wasn't ready to make. A small part of me I think held on to this marriage to spite her and take control as a 36 year old lady. I want her to respect me and my decisions. i think for once in my life I had the power. If I haven;t learned or gained anything else from this situation, I know I have cam into womanhood!!! I don't think she will baby me or take for granted my feelings anymore......So, the part about no sympathy I can totally agree on!!!!

UNHAPPY777

I agree and I have set boundaries for her too. She thinks the world is going to end if she doesnt talk to my kids in the morning and before bed. Thats not to mention the times in between.. I got a cell phone for my daugther to call me when she gets out of school and onto the daycare van (she's 8). Because I work about 1 hr away and I just want to make sure she is safe. Well now my daughter rushes off the phone with me to calll her. My daughter feels guilty if she doesnt call and my mom makes sure she makes her feel that way. NOW i pick and choose when and where they talk to her and when I answer my telephone!!!!!

winnie12

I dont know how old you are but i dont think i was able to assert my independance as an adult with my parents until i was getting close to 40. It really took me standing up to my parents and them seeing that I was capable. The guilt trips they still try but they just dont get to me as much. I'd watch the guilt thing with your daughter - we transfer too many of our own insecurities and guilt onto children. I watch it a lot with my daughter because i see already that she has picked up a lot of my codie tendancies - especially people pleasing. I've really opened up talking about these things and she is already becomming more independant in her thoughts. Your daughter is young enough to stop the cycle now. This is one big thing that drives me - the thought that my daughter looks to me to show her how a woman acts and feels about herself.

UNHAPPY777

I know and she does have that type of personality. But, the funny thing is because of my husbands situation she is becoming more secure and she really doesn't want to ever be in this type of situation. He was her world and now it seems like she makes sure that she is her own world and won't let any man even her father define who she is as a person. She a tuff cookie.... Kinda how her mother use to be with man before my husband. How sad some men can weaken even the hardest of us all!!!

winnie12

That was the same way for my daughter. I try to explain to her that there are good men out there - I hate for her to have a distrust of men in general but still do like for her to know she can make it on her own if she needs or wants to. big thing i told her during that time was that it was okay to tell people if they made her mad - she doesnt abuse that (like my AS would) but she does speak up more now and tell people when they are stepping over the line with her.

UNHAPPY777

Thats good... I need to teach my daughter that. My son who is 2 has no problem telling people when they hurt him or make him angry...including ME. He is the sweetest kid he can see me looking sad and he will walk over and say mommy are your sad ...Don't be sad I Love You and he will rub my face. He even says you look beautiful.. Sometime is sounds like he is saying you look pitiful LOL Thanks Winnie for giving me something and someone (kids) better to spend my time thinking about besides my AH

kj3880

WOw...a highly educated woman, then! That is wonderful! I love to hear about women who have tools like this! You are going to be able to keep your little family in fine style once you are free of this dead weight!

Don't be so scared! I did it, with nothing more than a high school diploma, my dear! And I now have a government career, a wonderful home on the water, and two beautiful grown kids (who only sometimes give me heartburn). I raised them all alone. It wasn't easy, cause I'm a codie and also spent a whole year in active addiction. So if I can do it, anyone can...especially you!

KJ

UNHAPPY777

I just want to be able to do it all alone. I think I have a failure phobeia. I am so afaird that I won't make it that I am scared to make it. I just hate asking for any help!

peaceteach

It starts with one foot, one day. Just walking the walk, getting things done, maintaining some sense of normalcy, staying afloat. We didn't all feel empowered and strong going through this either. It took me a while to get to a point where I'm totally confident on making it on my own. It was about that time that I found love again. Confidence attracts confidence, you know?

It all starts with accepting that this is the way things are, and deciding you are ready to put all your efforts into a better life. You don't have to wait for it to get any worse. Why? You already know the outcome.

I found it exhilirating, frankly, to start my new walk as a single mom. Sure, it had lots of days where I felt alone and cried, but it was still all of my choosing and all by my rules. Very cool stuff and very doable. Look what you've been able to do WITH a poor partner. It's a lot easier to continue doing all that you do WITHOUT that unhelping person. Good luck, sister!

UNHAPPY777

Thank You for all of your responses. This morning when I went down to wake my husband up, I pulled up and talked to him expressing my new boundaries and how they are not to be crossed. I told him that he wasn't the man I married. I said I remember him saying that all of his friends and family had turned their backs on him. I told him that they don't have to tolerate his behavior and if he continues along this same path without change then I would be following behind them shortly. I remember him saying a while back that he didnt know how to get HIM back... So I told him that there is hope and help out there but, he has to be willing to except it! So, at the end of my talking I said what is it that you want he said to LIVE...(remember he has never admitted to using) and I asked what does living look like to you? HIs ideal of living might be different from my idea. So, he just simply said I dont want to DIE! From that moment I might be wrong but, that was somewhat of a breakthrough. Because If you weren't doing drugs why would you even say that.
Now the new task is getting him to understand that his chances are greater of dying by staying on drugs than detoxing. I think he has tried to detox on his own with no success and the withdrawls were too much for him. So now it's a chance that he just may go into treatment..... I don't know just a though for today

He also said that he hadn't eaten in 2 days. But, he was at work yesterday. As a manager they have test tastings of foods and asked if he ate there he said NO!!!! Is it true that most times you don't have an appetite.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

this is the way my A used to act too when he was snorting Oxycotins. falling asleep all of the time. Grumpy when he was awake. Always sick or hurting or something when he was at home. when he was out with his friends or at work or something he was fine, but,like as soon as he stepped in the door something was wrong with his physical health. i think it was an excuse he told himself to justify the pills. and he was always lying. about everything, even little things. but especially about his "friend" (his drug connection). he told me how this guy had a problem with snorting pills and how he felt sorry for him and his family. he was always going over there, saying he was "helping" him because he had a problem. I used to chastise him for getting too involved and losing himself in his "friend's" problems. Really he was going over there because he could get some too.

UNHAPPY777

LOL K1a2.......I really believe that his is what is happening with my husband and this girl(from previous posts) See on day he came home and said that the girl had a problem with taking Seroquil and that she was crazy. He said Oh I even saw her take a whole hand full one day..... ummmmm. Now that you have responded the way that you have it might very well be the same thing. Whatever it is he seems to only be able to get it from her... BUt, I think that he might have the direct connect himself now as he said that he wouldn'e be needing her anymore and that HE had connections to the top and that he would be directing her debt to her household not him... I guess I have been reality in a cloud if you know what I mean. If I would have just taken the time sooner I would have figured out what was going on.....