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New here and need advice!

Old 03-08-2009, 04:08 PM
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New here and need advice!

Hi Everyone,
I just joined this site today. I have been online in search of some type of support for myself. About a month ago, my partner, 23 years old (I am 33) had come home telling me that she needed to talk to me. She proceeded to tell me that she has been addicted to Opiates...vic, percs and OC. I knew she had a history with drugs because she had told me about a month into our relationship. But at that time had told me she had been clean for almost 2 years and her use of drugs was all in the past. She had started using at a very young age...she was in rehab in 8th grade. And then I find out differently a month ago. Which in my mind has made me think our relationship has been a lie for the last 8 months. We talked the entire weekend and she was very open and honest about her habits and the things she was doing to support her addiction. She had started the suboxone treatment last February and according to her was doing very well. Then she lost her insurance and it become hard to afford. We started seeing each other in July. At that time, she was using Suboxone as well as Opiates. And as time went on, it turned into using the Opiates more and more. Everyday to be exact, unless she couldn't afford it then she would take the suboxone to get back and not go through withdraw. That Monday after she had told me, she had scheduled an appointment to start on the suboxone treatment. She has been on this every since. But it has been very hard for me to find the trust in her to believe the things she is telling me. I second guess everything and feel like I am going crazy half the time. I'm constantly looking at her behaviors, her physical appearance and searching through everything to determine if she may be using. I just don't know how to stop my mind from constantly thinking she is going to go back to the drugs. I try very hard to be positive and supportive on the steps that she has taken to get clean but again, my trust is just not there. I've started therapy myself about 2 weeks ago just so I can try to gain a handle on my life and my emotions with going through this with her. She saw a psychiatrist about a week ago and he prescribed her Celexa for what he is diagnosing as a mood disorder. But she has yet to go to any type of actual therapy or group programs. And everything I've read about addiction and the Suboxone treatment states that Therapy is the most important thing to living a sober life and determining what caused the person to start using to begin with.
I do love her but I keep thinking is all of this worth going through. Especially after reading a lot of the stories on this site.....I don't want to lose myself through all of this...emotionally and financially. I just don't know what the right decisions are for myself at this time.
Any advice anyone can give or support would be very appreciated.
Thanks
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Old 03-08-2009, 04:23 PM
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Originally Posted by mvegas11 View Post
I do love her but I keep thinking is all of this worth going through. Especially after reading a lot of the stories on this site.....I don't want to lose myself through all of this...emotionally and financially. I just don't know what the right decisions are for myself at this time.
Any advice anyone can give or support would be very appreciated.
Thanks
welcome!!!

My advice would be to walk away, or at least step back a very long distance. Very difficult to be detached, and do the things you need to do for yourself, if you're actively involved with an addict. She seems to be doing the bare minimum needed to address her addiction.
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Old 03-08-2009, 04:50 PM
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You need to take care of yourself first, if you are not healthy then you are of no use to anyone, esp. yourself. She needs to do this for herself. You cannot do it for her, shame her into rehab or insist she get help. Going through her things is a violation of privacy and not the best action. There are other options than "therapy". NA is a great support system and are people like her so they will understand her.
If she wants it she will do it, excuses are not acceptable. Best wishes to both of you.
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Old 03-08-2009, 05:11 PM
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Thank you guys for the responses! I know mentally I am unhealthy at this time, that is why I took the steps and started therapy for myself. Trust me, I am not the type of person to be a snoop and I am not proud of myself at all for doing this but that is how bad my mind takes control sometimes because I do not trust her from ALL of the lies she has told me. It is hard when you are not sure if your entire relationship has been a lie and you are not sure if you even really know the person,especially if they don't really know themselves because they have been high for years. I am hoping that therapy will help me cope with all of this. I have talked to her about NA but she said she would never go to NA again....her excuse is they sell drugs outside. Every time I try to bring up NA or some type of support group she gets irritated with me and says she is doing her best right now and eventually she will start some type of therapy/group.
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Old 03-08-2009, 08:08 PM
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Welcome to SR! I'm glad you are taking steps to take care of YOU.
You can't fix your partner, she has to do this herself, and she has to WANT it herself. Drugs are sold everywhere, so my guess is that's just an excuse not to go to NA meetings. Actually, she could try AA meetings, but again it is her choice.

Hope you'll keep posting, reading the posts and the stickies at the top.
Hugs,
Chris
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:19 AM
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Addictived loved ones can really make you insane. But there is hope for you to get your sanity back, many of us here have, and you can too. Keep reading, keep posting.
I know it's not easy, but this is where it begins. So you came to the right place.

I too hope you can find an Alanon or Naranon meeting in your area.

NH7
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Old 03-09-2009, 11:44 AM
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I know your pain because I have lived it. Don't trust her... trust me. You are not married and have no kids with her... do you really need this?
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Old 03-10-2009, 12:20 PM
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i just went through this and i can tell you, you will not stop looking for clues and second guessing everything for a long time, if ever. i got back with a girl last october. right away her sister showed be all the drug stuff they had been finding in her room. my gf swore up and down she was clean. within a month she said she maybe needed help. she hasn't gone for help and now five months later she has a warrant out on her and is still using. i've really cut my story short and can tell you the whole thing if you'd like. what i can tell you though is trust your gut. i knew something was wrong, but i ignored all the signs. the lieing, manipulation, and worry just got worse and worse until i lost myself. its only been about three weeks since i packed up stuff up, but i am starting to see things more clearly. unless your girl is making a serious effort to change her life, the addiction will tug at her until she caves.

i can tell you that i now question in my relationship was an entire lie. i question if i really knew my gf, and i know she doesnt know herself. it was difficult to leave, but it has allowed me to see that i can havea better life with a healthy person. i worked harder at fixing her life than she did.

this board helped me through difficult times, there are a lot of great experienced people here. you need to look out for you. good luck.
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Old 03-10-2009, 02:23 PM
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Welcome to SR!

My daughter is on the suboxone program (for the 2nd time, UGH!). Her physician's protocol is that in order to stay on the program, they drug test every visit and she has to have documentation that she is attending some type of therapy or NA program. To me that just makes sense. You can take medication for the withdrawal and cravings but if you don't get some help for the mental health side of it then meds aren't going to help. Just a thought, maybe the doctor could mandate that she starts therapy along with a treatment plan.

Gotahavfaith
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Old 03-10-2009, 05:45 PM
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Thank you all so much for the responses. SR is such an amazing site! gotahavfaith, my gf is also on the suboxone program for the second time. She had started back in Feb of 08 and lasted about 4 months until she lost her insurance. She continued to buy the suboxone on the street but then progressively started using the opiates again. She would rotate on and off with the suboxone and the opiates counting out her dosages.....not a dumb girl! But as the fall hit she started using opiates every day. She is going to a different doctor this time around and he had talked to her about either therapy or an NA program but as far as I know does not require her to have documentation that she is going...she hasn't had to have it yet. She does have to take the drug test every visit and so far has been fine. I was actually trying to find some information as to how long the drugs would stay in a person's system. It has been 3 weeks in between visits and I was questioning this weekend if she was on something...Friday, Saturday and last night she did not seem herself. Her hands, legs, feet etc, were twitching pretty distinctly all of those nights. I had actually never seen her twitch like that before even when I knew she was high. I'm wondering if she may have taken something other than an opiate that would make that happen. Her pupils were also normal. She is also now taking Celexa every night. It is so hard because I want to believe her that she has been clean for the last month but it is very hard to trust her. So when I see abnormal behavior my mind instantly thinks she is on something.
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:23 PM
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The trust is an issue, and for me, was the death of my 3-year relationship. He told me he was leaving the house at 0915 for nearby appointment at 1000 because he was going to the video store on his way. I called him at 0930 to see what he was getting at the video store (you see, I *knew* the video store didn't open until 1000) and he told me how he had seen some new games out, but no new movies we had wanted to see so he didn't get anything.

Small lie - big impact. He has previously stolen from me and a former employer to get OC - and nobody can possibly count the number of lies he's told me. So in my mind, based on past experience, one little lie always meant several other little lies which always led to *the BIG lie*. I finally told him 2 days after Valentine's day that I didn't think I could get healthy with him or that he could get healthy with me. He needs a certain amount of trust and "slack" to prove that he can be clean because it's *his* choice, not because he's so closely monitored and controlled that he doesn't have a chance to screw up. But I couldn't give him that room. I was terrified that he would ruin me financially (on top of all the emotional ******** his addiction and my codie-ness have brought to the surface) if he slipped up one more time.

Quite simply, I think you need to think long and hard about if you are willing and able to put in the time and heartbreak into trying to trust her again - - knowing that she may very well prove not worthy of that trust. Also, is she willing to accept that she has broken your trust so severely that it's going to be a long, hard road of proving herself before there's any hope of things getting back to how they were just a few short days ago.

Good luck on your journey. Maybe you could consider checking out an alanon or naranon meeting in your area? It has been a lifesaver for me, I can tell you that for sure!!
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:13 PM
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Well, I am impressed by the fact that she did come clean about her addiction... eventually. It does sound as if she has a long way to go. Perhaps she might consider a meeting night that you could both go to. There are sometimes meetings that have naranon and na at the same time (separate rooms). You will both learn so much, and the support would be for both of you. The addict in my life is my daughter. We would have regular nights where I would drive her to a meeting, and go on to a nearby meeting for myself. This way we got to talk on the ride both ways. This was earlier in her recovery. We also attend a spirituality group together.

There is a lot of shame in addiction. It took courage for her to tell you. Perhaps there is hope here. My daughter did the whole ten yards, in-patient, out-patient, suboxone, methadone, probation. Coming this June she will be sober two years. She is also 23. A really good sponsor - hard to find, and nightly meetings (she goes 28 out of 30 days a month) brought her to this day.

If she balks too much about the meetings, I would wonder about her commitment to sobriety.
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:01 AM
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Vegas-
Your girlfriend could be my daughter! (haha) My AD started the suboxone program in March 08 and remained on in until Nov 08. Then had to have some dental surgery and it was downhill after that. Her doctor would not see her until all dental work was done and that was going to be a matter of months. So she also bought subs off of street but was mixing them with opiates when she could not get suboxone. Opiates much easier to get unfortunately. This time her habit was really high dosages of oxys. (or at least to me it was high dosage) She was taking 100-120 mg a DAY!!! Spent her entire tax return on them and when that ran out she had to come clean. She has been back on her suboxone for 2 weeks now and the dosage does not seem to be enough as it was the last time. Don't know if that was bcuz of mixing the 2 drugs. Her legs twitch alot and has alot of muscle cramps, that happened the last time too. If she is taking the subs on a regular basis my understanding is that you can't get high off of opiates. But let me warn you, if she is taking something like xanax, or valium along with medication, that is very dangerous to her respiratory system. I understand the trust issue and behavior, but I think we have to let that go at some point and make them be responsible. Hope this helped! Also wanted to add that my daughter now has to pay for the doctor visits, very expensive but compared to what she was spending, to me it is just a drop in the bucket. The subs are paid for by her insurance thank God.
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