bayeez

Here is my story. I have been happily married for 5 1/2 years and we have been together 11 years. We have been through so much together. Well this past year and a half has been really tough on us. We lost a beloved pet, my husband had a major fall and broke 11 bones, we found out his mom had cancer and flew her out here- she died a month later, and then my husband lost his job. He has been unemployed for 7 months and has just been going downhill. He has been prescribed xanax for the past year and a half and has really increased his dosage to 12mg per day. We have a toddler and I am having another baby on Monday. I have worked full time through all of this while trying to keep my sanity. My husband is not the man I once knew. I found out he has been drinking heavily while taking his medication during the day. He has even driven our toddler around like this. I have been so fed up with his lies and behavior and how much he has put on me that I have threatened to leave a few times. When I do, he becomes severely depressed and threatens his life so I fear doing anything. This past week we had a struggle over his keys. He was going to drive off and kill himself. This was all in front of our toddler. Then last night, he came with our toddler from running an errand, his eyes were rolling in the back of his head, and he could not walk straight, falling all over the place. I knew where this would lead, so I called 911 and said he was a threat to himself and had obviously mixed an unsafe amount of alcohol and pills. They came and took him. I thought he would be there for a few days, but I got a call at 2am to come get him. I honestly did not want to deal with him for a few days. I do not care at this point if he misses the birth of our 2nd child. All of our family is on the other side of the States. My mom flies in today- thank GOODNESS. I can finally count on someone. When I went to go pick up my husband last night I started bleeding, so after I dropped the toddler off with a friend and got husband out of ER, and we had to check into Labor and Delivery. Everything checked out well and we came back home. Today all I hear about is how sorry he is, how he is going to get better, how he is such an awful person. He said if he was single, he would kill himself already. I just cannot hear that anymore. I CANT. He is going to medical detox on Wednesday, which is why I think his behavior the past week has gotten so out of control.
I guess I just wanted to share my story with anyone who might understand. I feel like I have noone and I am handling so much on my own.

imallright

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are living through this. Thank goodness your Mom is coming. Take care of you. Let Mom take care of the 2+ of you. Congrats on the new baby. My prayers and good thoughts for a healthy little bundle of joy!

timetogo

Welcome Bayeez -- I'm glad that you found SR. You will find words of wisdom, courage, strength and experience with what you are going through here.

Wow, you have a lot on your plate. My heart ached for you as I read your post. I know how hard it can be to live in that kind of craziness. I'm really glad that your mom is coming today to help you. Lean on the healthy people in your life.

Try really hard to concentrate on yourself for the sake of your toddler and your unborn child as well as for yourself. Keep coming here to vent or do whatever you have to do to find some relief. We all know, to one extent or another, what you are going through and we are here for you.

Take care of you and good luck on Monday -- my best wishes for you and your new blessing.
Laurie

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

kwigers

I used the serenity prayer like a mantra for my first year.
I would hum it, I would say it, and sing it, and sometimes yes I would scream it out.

Being held hostage is not much fun, unless of course you see it for what it is:-)
If it were me, and I knew I was biding my time, I would probably try to think up some
weird strange thing that makes me laugh, and humor myself (privately) until I was able to see a pathway to freedom.
The pathway will show itself to you! Trust your higher power to show you the way! And if you don't have a higher power yet, you can borrow mine! My higher power is this awesome unisexed being who likes to laugh a lot and is always always waiting for me slow my mind enough to notice something he/she is pointing out to me. Many times I get lost in the busyness of the physical world and forget that there is this spiritual world going on as well... everything I am experiencing is exactly what I need to get where I need to go in my journey through life!
~Cheryl

Impurrfect

(((Bayeez)))

Welcome to SR!

I am so sorry for all that you are going through with your AH (addict husband), but congraluations on the upcoming birth of your second child!

One thing to learn about addiction...the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.

I know he scares you with thoughts of suicide...this is common with addicts (I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codepedent). The thing is, at the rate he is going, he may very well kill himself anyway...he is mixing a lethal combination of drugs and alcohol. If he continues to drive, with your toddler in the car, he may also take your child and innocent people with him.

There is a ton of ES&H here (experience, strength and hope). I know, right now you are focused on having the baby, and you should be. I'm glad your mom is coming in. I hope that at some point, you are able to get to al-anon or nar-anon meetings. They will give you some f2f support and help you learn how to focus on YOU. It's basically the same as coming here, just f2f.

He has to hit bottom and want recovery. With what he is taking, he really needs medical supervision to get off of it...stopping abruptly is dangerous. I know this post is about YOU, but I did want to add that.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Serenity Bound

bayeez, Welcome to SR! I am so sorry about what you are going through. Living with an addict can be h@#!. I am very happy that your Mom is coming in, lean on her and focus on you, your toddler and the precious new baby. Congrats!!!

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris

bluejay6

this is such a serious post and a dangerous situation and i'll be glad when more members come along with their vast experience to offer you counsel.

xanax is a depressant and alcohol is a depressant and the combination scares the h*** out of me as i read your story, and realize he is unemployed, thus HOME, ALONE, with your child, and soon, children. this is terrifying to me.

i hope the detox kicks in as prescribed, but he is a full blown out of control DRUG ADDICT, and that reality is going to change every single aspect of your life as you know it. your marriage, your parenting, your job, your health, your sanity. everything.

it's so good you found this site, for there is a lot of challenge ahead for you, and you have to be a parent to your children, not to a drug addict. you will have a lot of really tough decisions ahead. be honest with family, get to al-anon, and post here for the good advice you are going to be needing. you will be lovingly confronted here, if you are succumbing to the effects of codependency, and that will be good because, believe it or not, the future of your children's lives depends on YOU getting help for yourself.

he is on his own: his choices, his fight, and that will be the hard reality. if he is dangerous....and he IS dangerous right now....allowing him to make threats of suicide as he continues to get high---make no mistake, the alcohol and drugs come first with him--and continuing to live in that situation will be your choice. you are not trapped.

no one can tell you what to do, but they can help you emerge from the fog to see what is.

everyone here will care and will be here for you, whenever you reach out. don't be isolated. and don't listen to advice from people who have no education about addiction. seek out the right kind of help, and fast, because things sound very bad there.

the new baby....God bless your child and watch over your child and you and your other little one. life for this baby and your toddler should be a joy. if you seek help for yourself, you will find ways to ensure that for them.

with deep concern and support, and wishing you a healthy, beautiful new child,
bluejay

bayeez

Your kinds words all mean so much to me. I am crying just reading everyone's thoughts and concerns for me. I have not received ANY of that. It has all been about my husband and his depression and how I am not supportive bc I expect too much from him. His therapist is finally realizing how bad it is. I really don't expect the world from him. I just want him to be safe!!!! I begged him to just take his prescribed amount of pills until I had the baby in case I needed him to take me to the hospital. I should have known better. I knew today would be full of I'm Sorries and I don't deserve to live. He is going on saying how it is just the xanax and once he is out of detox he thinks he will be better. He is so remorseful of driving like that with our child and has been crying a lot today. This is our cycle. I feel he hits bottom, then he repeats this same thing over again. I wish he could go to detox sooner, but I don't want to deprieve him seeing the birth of his 2nd son. I am thankful that he wants to go to detox and that he will be going this Wednesday. I am just in a place where I am torn. I want our old lives back- I have some hope for our future and think he can get better.... but after all he has put our family through a part of me doesn't know if I can forgive him again or ever trust him again. Right now he is refusing to see he has any issues with alcohol. I am so afraid when he comes out of detox, alcohol will be the new demon.

Thank you for all the support. I do want to find a group in town. I think it would be helpful and maybe even counseling. I think I have been trying to just go, go, go... bc if I stopped I wouldn't be able to keep going with everything and who would carry all the burdens (work, insurance, kids, household) I am glad I have this maternity leave. I can be at home and kind of take some time. If my AH really wants to change and needs my help after detox, I want to give that a try too. I am just scared of him betraying my trust again.

Again, thanks for listening. I will keep you posted on the events.

~Kristina

marle

Don't let your husband use his problems as an excuse. My husband has been layed off since August of 2007 and he is managing without the help of any kind of medication. I am only saying this because addicts will use any excuse to use. They will make everyone around them feel guilty for their problems. I am sorry that you are going through this with him. It must be especially hard with a toddler and another baby on the way. Sending you some hugs, prayers and a welcome. Marle

jan123

Kristina, welcome. You have found a good place here with new friends. Once the trust is broken, it is extremely hard to move forward for a time. I told mine that i didn't trust him and his answer was WELL START. I couldn't and I can't. Rather than fighting it, I became stronger in knowing that is is okay not to trust someone you just don't trust. But I can trust myself and my family and my HP.

Amy is right when she says that the suicide attempts are part of the addiction. I have witnessed this twice in my life. What I found out is that they do this when they have completely screwed up with something. Once mine knew I was going to leave, and once because he blew his whole paycheck on crack and his girlfriend. Even in writing this it reminds me that when all of this was going on I worked, brought home a paycheck, taking six buses a day. Made meals, did the laundry, paid the bills, and attempted to have a normal life. In the end I became alone. He has moved on with her and I will never see him again.

But in saying this I feel so much better being alone than living with the fear, and anger every waking minute of my life. The lies, manipulation and being constantly used by a man baby. I found that they were always sorry, words are so easy and it costs nothing. So listen to this with the attitude of yes we are all so sorry. Time to step up to the plate, be a man, be a father because right now if you don't get your life together you are on borrowed time.

Mine went to rehab, to save his job position. That was the only reason he went. It didn't take long to see that nothing changed. He was back to work and still never even made an attempt to pay back any money for all the debt he left me with. He came out of rehab and asked me if I had seen his pot dealer around. Rehab really did nothing if you want to just keep numbing out the world with something, whether it be pot, alcohol, or your favorite drug of choice.

I wish that you and your family were not a part of this problem. I hope that with your Mom there you will be able to have the support you need with this.
You have all of us here supporting you, so you know. Little ones are so special, and you sound like you are a very special person also.

Jan

hello-kitty

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through right now. Stories like yours just break my heart. I know what it is like to be pregnant and dealing with an addict, to be giving birth and dealing with an addict, to be raising a child and dealing with an addict. And even when/if they get clean, they are not a whole person. They will (in most cases it seems) always be damaged and a drain on their families.

But enough about him. You hang in there girl. I'm so glad you are going to have your mom there to support you and help you keep the focus on you and the babies right now. Everything else will eventually work itself out.

Keep reading and posting, ok. We are here for you. You will find so much love and support on this site. (((hugs)))

Joeyboy

Sorry to hear that your dealing with drug and alcohol addiction at what should be the happiest and most joyful time of your life. GOD BLESS your two babies, and I'm sure your toddler had a guardian angel in the car while your husband was driving that baby around under the influence. All I can say is thank GOD your mom is coming to help, but the sad thing is that she probably can't stay forever. Your husband is obviously depressed and going through some tough emotions. Having a new baby, losing his job, caring for a toddler amongst an economic recession is all stressful, but it doesn't give him the right to jeopardize your babies safety. It's up to you to protect your child, and if your husband is not well, do not allow him to take the babies in the car. I mean, he has no right to drive that way in the first place, but so many addicts do. Unfortunately, you might have to go with mom, or possibly have him commited if you think he is really going to kill himself. You did the right thing by calling 911 that day. I'm thinking that this is not a good situation for two babies to be exposed to. You have to think about your kids and do what's right for them. They come first. Maybe if you tell him if he uses drugs or alcohol again you will have to pack your kids up and go, that might be the tough love that turns him around. People who say they are gonna kill themselves usually don't. It's a cry for sympathy and attention, and probably the way the xanax is affecting his brain. Did you ever consider Naranon? They have alot of helpful tips when it comes to dealing with drug and alcohol addiction. It's tough with two little ones, but you have to do what's right for them. Right now, your the only adult in the situation. My heart goes out to you. My son's father was drunk the night I gave birth. It was awful. We divorced when my son was one. I wish you the best. Prayers and Peace to you and your beautiful babies. Joeyboys Mom:praying

greeteachday

Welcome, I'm so sorry you are going through this!! It is difficult enough raising a toddler and one on the way very soon without having an active addict added to the mix. You and your precious babies should be your focus...unfortunately we can not love our addicts clean. It is indeed a scary and dangerous situation if he is abusing the xanax and alcohol and driving with your child.

I'm glad that his counselor is starting to understand the seriousness of the situation and please don't hesitate to call for help again if need be. I usually just relate my experiences and try not to give advice, but in this case, I'd like to suggest that you consider the medical detox an opportunity to let the staff there know that you believe it is unsafe for him to return to your home following detox and inpatient rehab is warranted. I just suspect that you and your babies will be safer if he has more time to let the fog lift and find the tools of recovery.
Hugs, please keep reading and posting and I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

imallright

[QUOTE=hello-kitty;2140073]Even when/if they get clean, they are not a whole person. They will (in most cases it seems) always be damaged and a drain on their families.


These are powerful words. The damage that has been to those who live in the situation, coupled with the ACTUAL phsical, cognitive and emotional damage done to addict have made life a challenge for me and my family. IMO, the best you can do is take care of you and take care of your children. Life doesn't come suddenly fabulous simply because the addict stops using. Once the trust is broken, I have found it almost impossible to fix it. Maybe it's just that I can't forgive... or maybe it's just that I can't forget.

Whatever it is, I know I have to live my life for me and find a way to protect myself from any further damage caused by others choices.

kj3880

I just want to say that is is OK to bail on this guy. Even though you have two kids together. You don't owe him anything at this point. You don't have any obligation to have a drunk around your kids just because you're married to him. The kids will be better off with just you than with their father around since he is an addict in active addiction. You can do it better on your own than you can when you are taking care of a King Baby along with your kids. I know this sounds scary, but if you take it one day at a time, it is certainly doable, even fun. More fun than being worried all the time and walking on eggshells because you don't want to "trigger the using/drinking."

If you choose to stay with him for a time (ugh) then remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. So focus on you and the kids and maintain some boundaries, like maybe, no driving.

Love,
KJ

bayeez

Just an update. I had my beautiful baby boy. He is so wonderful and sweet. I ended up needing a c-section so my husband got to spend the first hour with him. He was great and spent the first few nights in the hospital with me then he headed to detox. He sounds good- had some tough times with withdrawal- but that is to be expected with the amount he was on. He is supposed to come home tomorrow or sometime early this week. I am just trying to keep hope that the man I married will return for I have no need for that other guy. I will keep you posted.

breakingfree88

Congrats on the new bundle of joy! I am new here also and sympathize greatly with your current situation. There's not much else I can say except that I'm in a similar boat with you and please take care of you and your children! Stay strong and we'll get through this together!

liesagain

bayeez

Congrats on the birth of your son!!!
I wish nothing but the best for you and your family.

I just want to gently remind you that addiction is not cured...........and your husband has a long road ahead of him.

Try to focus on you and your children stick around here on SR theres alot of support here.

Believe808

CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your son!!!!!!
Keep posting, it always feels good when we can vent.
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES
Love ya, Donna