RunWithScissors

Hi everyone,

My husband has been an off an on addict for our entire marriage( alcohol to pot to crack ) He was diagnosed bipolar 2 years ago after a very serious mental breakdown. At that time he relapsed after about 5 years clean and started first with pot then binged on crack and went into an canatonic state for 4 days after he finally got home. We got him on bipolar medication and he has been sober since then until recently

I've been smelling pot in my garage since about a week ago. I smelled it again last night..he again denied it. (he reeked of pot and axe bodyspray) I went into the garage to grab a pizza from our freezer last night and it smelled of pot and ozium again, so I looked for like 1 min and found a home made pot pipe and a small bag almost completely empty tucked into a cigerette pack.

He sat there denying it all to me, with me hold the pipe and standing in a garage reeking of pot. Of course I am not surprised he is denying that is the nature of the addict. I'm not sure he got it because he has no access to any money. Someone must of given it to him for free.

I lost my cool with him and was screaming "I'M NOT STUPID I KNOW WHAT IT SMELLS LIKE" He just stood there like a wall.

So now what. What do I do now? I just don't know anymore.

Thanks

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

As you have found out, an addict will deny using, even when caught redhanded.

One thing to know is the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, can't change it, and you can't cure it. So, you can't make him stop. That's something only he can do.

What you CAN do is decide on boundaries...what you will tolerate. If you don't want him doing this in your house, what are you willing to do to prevent it? Boundaries are about us.."if you smoke pot in my house, I will......" they aren't used to make him quit..it's all about us. In my case, I'm a recovering addict...if anyone is using drugs around me, I'll leave. No one is allowed to have drugs in my car, or my house..if they do, then they are asked to leave.

This is a great site, full of wonderful people who know exactly what you're going through. You may want to read the "stickies"..the threads at the top of the forum..and some other threads here..you'll find out you're in good company. Keep posting/reading..you're among friends.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

RunWithScissors

I do have boundries with other people. I refuse to be around drugs. If I see someone using or I smell it I leave. Namely my brother, so I never go to his house anymore probably where my husband got the drugs from, which is a whole nother mess.

I'm just confused as how to enforce or put into effect within our own home with out issuing ultimatums or should I have packed up and left my own home with our kids? (Since he knows that is a boundry that I have)

Freedom1990

What do you want for your life? You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

RunWithScissors

What do you want for your life?

I want to never be around drugs or alcohol ever again.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

I'm a little confused, you said you had a boundary now? If your boundary was, 'if you choose to use then I will pack up the kids and go'....you decide. Knowing of course, if you don't follow through, anything you said to him can be completely disregarded. Good luck.

MsPINKAcres

take it from someone who fought the fight for over 16 yrs - the longer you wait, the harder it is to leave, the more damage you take on when you leave and the more you leave yourself open to (financially) when you do finally leave.

I'm not in any way telling you to leave - I'm just saying if you know that you know this not the life that you want - seek the guidance, courage, strength and wisdom from your HP to find the way to make those steps to a healthier life.

It's not easy but the longer you wait - the harder it is.

There is always a possibility your A can achieve sobriety. If that does happen in the future - you can always reconcile - but think about what you are living in today and if NOTHING ever changes - can you continue to live this way the rest of your life?

Wishing you the Best as you make your decisions!!

HUGS,
Rita
:ghug3

Freedom1990

Then take charge of your life, follow through on your boundaries, and open yourself up to a beautiful world out there! :ghug :ghug

RunWithScissors

No I never said to him I would pack up and leave if he used again. At the time when he had his 1st mental breakdown(tired to commit sucide) I was more concerned with him getting well (he was sober for over 5 years and no signs of redrug use then)..he was pretty out of it mentally for 5 months afterwards which lead into the relapse of drug use & 2nd break down that lead to the proper diagnoses of Bipolar disorder. My boundry is I won't be in other people's homes who use drugs. I told that to my husband after being completely disgusted with my brothers ongoing and extremely active drug addiction (20 years plus nonstop)..never thinking about what do I do if my husband used in our own home...since he was clean when I told him that and chalked up his relapse to having Bipolar disorder.

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear in my first post. I'm pretty frazzeled right now after getting absolutely no sleep last night.

Rita, I already feel I'm there..I guess what i'm asking is what can I do to get help for me while I sort out this roller coaster of emotions before I make a decision.

I read through the 10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem, and I'm trying to wrap my head around a few of them since he is my husband and lives here. Is it even possible!?

Serenity Bound

RWS, Welcome to SR! Besides, being here, I would suggest that you look into Alanon/Naranon meetings. This would be a good step for YOU. As the others suggested, the choice is yours, and IF your boundaries are not to be in a house with drugs, then you need to stick to your boundary. I am in no way saying you should leave your AH, but what I am saying is "say what you mean, and mean what you say"

My AD is also bi-polar.

Sending your hugs,
Chris

lovtolaff

Yeah mine did this too....I had the CRACK pipe in my hand and you should have heard the excuses. It was insane.

I got tired of the excuses the lies the continous crack use. First it just started out with a "binge" here and there but it kept getting more and more often. And even when he wasn't using - he was trying to figure out when/where he could use next. It was like I was the only one in our relationship that was focused on the REAL world stuff - his focus was his next high.

It's a miserable a$$ life to live with an alcoholic/addict. A life that I could NOT live any longer. I started with a few boundaries and even an ultimatum or two - but he never took me seriously until I kicked him out.

I'm sorry you are here.

RunWithScissors

Thanks everyone

I'm going to look into going to a meeting. I really need it.

MrsMagoo

I busted my AH smoking crack (not literally but I saw the money was missing and he ultimately confessed) and I told him that I was tired of this cycle and until he got serioius about his recovery then he had to leave because he could not be around me or the children. It took him two days but he found a rehab and checked himself in. He is still there and I can see my husband emerging out of the fog.

The people here at SR are the ones who encouraged that boundary. It was hard to force those words out of my mouth the first time I said them aloud. I had to say it several times again the next day and all day the next to get him out. I was ready to get commintment papers from the magistrate the afternoon I found out he had gone. At that point, I didn't care where he went - even if it was to the crack house or to sleep in his truck on the beach, I just KNEW he had to go.

I'm telling you - it was the best decision I ever made and he is also grateful (and I think rather impressed that enforced a boundary because I tend to draw alot of lines in the sand but I inevitabley move them).

Draw a line and don't move it. It's not easy but it's necessary for YOU!!

Joeyboy

Well, from my own experience tough love is where it's at. You need to set boundaries in your home, and stick to them. Naranon helps give great information with that. Good Luck to you. It's never a pleasant experience dealing with a spouses drug problem. The lack of trust was the most difficult for me when it came to my son using. I wish you a speedy resolution to this problem. Sometimes you just have to put them out, and make them feel the consequence of their actions. However, it is usally heartbreaking, and it takes some time. I wish you all the best, Joeyboy

In a Tailspin

First things first: there is no such thing as an off and on addict. Once an addict always an addict. Even when not actively using - still an addict. Even if actively working a program of recovery - still an addict.

My question for you is: how do YOU want to live your live? How *crazy* will you let him make you with his obvious lies? Choose what you want, and work to get yourself there. If he comes along, great. If not, you will be ok.

Oh, and find an alanon or naranon meeting near you soon. Lots of love and support there from people who have walked in your shoes!!

RunWithScissors

Thanks for the great smack of real advice guys. I can't get advilhead's "he chooses to use again" out of my head and I had another night of no sleep.

I have a meeting in my area tuesday , I know the problem is me now, not him. Hopefully I can grow some guts and do the right thing.

greeteachday

There are lots of great naranon and Alanon meetings in NJ...Glad you are going to give it a try. Tons of Alanon so if you feel the need sooner than Tuesday and can spare the gas, a few more miles may bring you an hour of serenity. Both Naranon and Alanon have web sites with meeting schedules.

This may sound goofy, but I keep thinking about your screen name as I read your posts. Coming here and going to meetings is a way to learn by sharing with others in similar sitatuons, the proper way to take care of ourselves when we are in a difficult sitution loving an addict...sort of like the best way to run with scissors and not get hurt. Hugs

kwigers

The hardest thing I ever had to do was to become aware of my victim consciousness. I was the one in denial, not because I didn't want to see it, but simply because I did not see it. I didn't know what I didn't know at the time, that...having an addict around gave me someone to always dump the blame on, always use as my excuse for frustration, and bitterness. People everywhere were more than willing to pity me for being such a victim, and for having to put up with the addict's behavior. If we were broke it was because of her, if I was miserable it was because of what she did or didn't do, if I was getting physically ill, it was because of all the stress she had caused me-I simply was blind to my own responsibility. I used her for my excuse to not step up to the plate and be responsible for my own choices and my own happiness in life.

Now that I see it, taking responsibility for my own happiness is not too hard, there are days when I slip back into old familiar patterns for awhile, but I quickly find my way back out again. Now that I know, I am pretty protective of my power, and my responsibilities. I know from my experience that I really do take much better care of me than anyone else ever could or should! By taking care of myself I set the other person free to take care of themselves...if they choose to.
Much love and light to you!~Cheryl

NeedingHelp7

Running, Just wanna say welcome. It takes time to learn all this. We've all been there before and some still are. One step at a time, and one decision at a time. You will know when the time is right for each decision. If you don't want alcohol and drugs around, then the user has to go, but it's up to you.

Read the sticky above "Let Me Fall". This will help you make some decisions, possibly change some of your reactions, and let go. This takes much practice, and pain.

Hoping the best for you.

NH7