Am I breaking anonymity?

Old 03-06-2009, 07:36 AM
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Living in a Pinkful Place
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Am I breaking anonymity?

Had a lengthy visit with my atty yesterday. Prepared our response to ex's request for spousal support and all the other things he is requesting in the divorce.

My atty knows the entire history of our marriage. Knows ex has alcohol/drug problem and that he is not sober right now.

In order to fight this - He stated the reason ex doesn't have a job is due to alcohol/drug problem and refusal to work. This is the truth.

BUT - geez there is always a BUT right?

I am a devoted member of Al-Anon. I believe in and am committed to working the Steps and Traditions in my recovery and in all aspects of my life.

So today I am struggling with Tradition 11. The sentence that states
"We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members."

As far as my ex is concerned - I could really care less about him - but what I do care about is my program and my spiritual well-being.

Am I doing the Next Right Thing for me?

I know that he basically threw the 1st punch with what he is asking for, but am I using that to justify me using any action to get what I want?

I have a great respect for AA and the members who truly use this program to fight the disease of alcoholism/addiction. I know that at some times in his life this program has helped my ex maintain sobriety - but not on a consistant basis. Does that relieve me from protecting his anonymity?

No where in the papers does it say he is a failed member of AA - it just says that he has an alcohol/drug problem and because of that he doesn't work on a regular basis, therefore I should not be responsible for supporting him.

I just wonder am I working the rules to my favor and ignoring the Traditions?

What's done is done. But I am still a little tormented by this. Not so much as how it will affect him, (not at all how it will affect him) but as to how it will affect my recovery and how I affect the healthiness of my home group and the programs of Al-Anon and AA.

Any thoughts?
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Old 03-06-2009, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Japic05 View Post
No where in the papers does it say he is a failed member of AA - it just says that he has an alcohol/drug problem and because of that he doesn't work on a regular basis, therefore I should not be responsible for supporting him.
I see absolutely no violation of the tradition in that.
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Old 03-06-2009, 07:46 AM
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I dont see where the two have anything to do with one another. If your marriage only transpired in the walls of AA then you might have a point. But he is your husband not an anonymous member of AA that you happen to know and your life transpires outside of those walls. these are the facts of your marriage not some private details you heard in an AA meeting so I see absolutely nothing wrong with them being a part of your divorce. If you still feel concerned then maybe you should bring this up in your Al-Anon meeting or contact someone at AA and get their blessing. I know its not the same but I kind of equate it to when i went to the church for a blessing on divorce - its not that i couldnt do it without their blessing but i felt at peace knowing that I had it.
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Old 03-06-2009, 07:52 AM
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Jap -

I'd go at him no holds barred. JMHO. I find it admirable that you'd think to do otherwise, but he's got you over a barrel financially right? Time to start rolling that barrel and get yourself off of it. I know my lawyer said that AH is involuntarily unemployed and is still responsible for the financial aspect as if he still had his job. The others above said it way more eloquently than I could right now - but I know where you're at and it's not fair. These are the consequences of his addiction.
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Old 03-06-2009, 08:13 AM
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(((Rita))) - my lawyer is a friend from AA. Of course, the legal stuff I'm dealing with is documented consequences I'm dealing with from my addiction.

However, he told of my recovery to my probation officer and the DA, in order to get my probation terminated early. I would think this is the same thing...only in MY case, my actions are about recovery, not lack of.

What I'm getting at, I didn't see it as a breach of anonymity, and obviously neither did my lawyer, who is a long-time AA'er, with more than 20 years in AA. This information was used, strictly because it was valid information, pertaining to my probation. In the same way, the information your lawyer is including, is valid pertaining to the issue of support.

Hope this helps.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 03-06-2009, 09:23 AM
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I think you're confusing anonymity with privacy. There's a big difference.
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Old 03-06-2009, 10:38 AM
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IMO he is NOT an active member of AA, so you have NOT broken anonymity.
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Old 03-06-2009, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I see absolutely no violation of the tradition in that.
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Old 03-06-2009, 11:41 AM
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Living in a Pinkful Place
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Originally Posted by Serenity Bound View Post
IMO he is NOT an active member of AA, so you have NOT broken anonymity.
Well - he is going to meetings doing the same ole thing he's done for the last few years "Pretending to be in the program"

He's even attending meetings under the influence.

BUT you know - this is not about him - it's about me. I just want to be healthy in all areas of my life. I wanna make sure I'm doing the right thing for me & my program.

I really do appreciate the feedback and the support. I am so great at second guessing myself - Like I have said before, I truly do love the programs of Al-Anon & AA. I believe when used as they are meant to be - these programs can offer so much to the ones who are willing.

I just always want to honor those who have done so much work before me to keep these programs healthy and pure. I would never ever want to cause any harm to AA or Al-Anon by causing damage to the Traditions.

Thanks again for your feedback and support.

This has been a great place of love and support during this difficult time for me. I know I am no where near thru the woods yet. But regardless of the outcome -

I know me & my God will be ok - even better than OK!!

Wishing each of you your HP's very best!
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Old 03-06-2009, 11:47 AM
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As long as you are doing this for your divorce, which is a separate issue, and you aren't dragging witnesses into court from AA to document his drunken activities in meetings, or lack thereof, you should be fine. No need to bring up AA at all, just talk about the problem and what is happening to the marriage and your finances as a result. JMO. Good job on checking your motives here! I admire that!
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Old 03-06-2009, 01:29 PM
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I think sometimes we have to look beyond a simple rule and look at the spirit of intent behind it. You're not "outing" your ex. You're not doing anything to compromise his chances for recovery. You're not publicly embarrassing him. By presenting these facts you are not breaking the spirit of intent behind the tradition of anonymity.
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Old 03-06-2009, 03:17 PM
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Hi Rita...My Louisiana Friend.....

I kinda strayed a little from SR
while I was going thru all my

I was sooooooooooooo miserable
living in Houston and soooooooo
unhappy in my marriage of 25 yrs.

I tried all i could with what I
had to hang on and prayed
that my HP would guide me
in the direction He would want
me to go.

10 some ought ys i cried, prayed,
yelled to the heavens, came here
whin for suggestions....looking
for hope, encoragement to do
the next best thing.

SR has been here for me thru
thick and thin and Im sooooo
grateful. Thank you SR.

Little did I know with a little
bit of faith and trust my HP
lined up everything for me
to happen just as it was
supposed to.

My marriage fell apart because
I continued to grow and change
in recovery and left my little
family wondering what in the
world happened to me.

I suppose if they had a program
to follow like I then we could
have all been on the same page.

They just didnt undertand me
sad to say...but hey...they
survived me and they did fine
each on their own...without
me of course.

Anyway....I continue on with
my program and keep my faith
strong as I allow my HP to guide
me and follow His Will everyday.

You are a strong woman and
from ur post I know as it might
seem hard right now, you will
break free and know freedom
like no other and experience
that happiness you so deserve
in life.

HP bless you.
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