Jealous of Callie

Old 03-06-2009, 05:47 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Jealous of Callie

I feel so horrible. I have read Callie's post several times. I just get jealous of her situation. (- Sorry Callie I would think you consider your position less than enviable, but I still think it would be a big step up for me.)

All my AW got from treatment was a lot of feelings for a new boyfriend and a burning desire for a divorce. Although I know she attends IOP and hits 90 days next Thursday. I long for the open communication to reach an understanding about what each us want and need to recover. I struggle with losing her and the kids to this guys she met in treatment. What makes the AW stray during treatment? She is as obsessed with this guy and new relationship as she was with her DOC.

I know it is not my problem. I need to leave in a few minutes to make my Friday Al-anon meeting. I am moving forward slowly. I just keep coming back to why is she running away so hard. I think I am disturbed because the d choice was not mutual or even open for discussion. I can't see the relationship that she started in treatment lasting all that long, but she reminds me constantly that she loves him more than she ever did me and shares with me how she shows it to him. She still calls me 10 times a week about something stupid. I just let them all go to voicemail. I still haven't listened to most. When will that pink cloud evaporate or will it?

I just think I am going to miss that rainbow after all the storms I have weathered as well. I don't know how this was supposed to make me feel better.
brownimr is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 06:00 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am sorry that treatment didn't produce the results you had hoped for.

Your AW is far from being in recovery, even if she's not using yet.

Believe me when I tell you she hasn't dealt with any of her real issues in spite of going through treatment. She found a distraction from having to do that.

I have yet to see a 'rehab romance' produce anything but disaster in the end.

You deserve much better in your life, including a partner who is loving, kind, and loyal. :ghug :ghug
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 06:07 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree that even though she may not be using, she is a long way from working any recovery in her life. They say the real recovery begins when they leave rehab and use the tools they acquired there in real life. I don't know how long her rehab was for, but unless it is long term it is unlikely she did much more than detox and rest.

This is no reflection on you, not at all. She is behaving badly and owns her action regardless of her "excuses" for same.

Good for you for letting her calls go to message and then choosing whether you care to listen or not.

I'm glad you have found Al-Anon, and I know that these meetings will help you keep your balance through even the rockiest times.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 06:08 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
cece1960's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Keep going to meetings , take care of you and the kids, life will feel better soon.

I think its terrible that your wife would fill you in on all of the details of the new relationship. Try to stay clear of these conversations at all costs, its nothing you need to know.
I can feel the hurt in your post and my heart hurts for you.
We're here if you need to talk
(((Hugs)))
cece1960 is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 06:32 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Your wife is a polysubstance addict and it sounds like instead of taking the opportunity that rehab is, she chose instead, to focus on someone she met, there.

People who feel like crap about themselves seem to often have the need to put down others so they can sustain a fantasy of superiority. Reality is, this says all that can be said about your wife and her side kick, than it does anything about your and your children.

Like the others have said, it's time to focus on learning how stop focusing on her and her problems and put your time and attention back on yourself and your children.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 06:33 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Brownimr -

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I certainly don't to make anyone feel bad and believe me you have nothing to be jealous of. Have you read my entire story? I've for sure been through the wringer with AH and it's been a long process - years. Affairs (years ago when his addiction started), gambling, lies, loss of his job. Even now AH shakes his head at how far he's fallen. But the reality is he's got a very long road ahead of him. From past experience, just because he's doing very well right now does not mean that it will be forever.

AH and I watched the movie Candy with Heath Ledger the other day. It's an older movie, but very good and portrays the life when 2 addicts are active together. I agree with the others that your wife is NOT in recovery. She may be clean, but that's it. AH has talked about rehab romances and said everyone is so vulnerable just coming out of detox and their feelings are just starting to surface after being supressed for so long because of addiction. Also, the people in rehab understand what your wife is going through right now. They don't have full the picture that you do - only what they see in front of them. What your wife is feeling is not real. That's why rehab's try so hard to keep men and women seperated. Is the rehab aware of the affair? I know one of AH's friends had a girl in his room cutting his hair. The door was open etc, but they both got reprimanded because of it.

Keep letting her calls go to vm. The flame she's feeling will be squelched eventually. In the meantime take care of yourself. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Affairs whether physical or emotional are hard to swallow. Add addiction on top of that and it can really turn your life upside down. I'm sorry for your pain - it's debilatating, I know first hand. Keep your chin up, focus on yourself and let your W's affair cycle out. Eventually it will.
Callie is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 07:09 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
catlovermi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. It. Just. Hurts. To feel used and abandoned and then have it paraded in front of your nose. It hurts.

But it isn't who you are, or what you are worth, or the life you could have. It's just a feeling from your present circumstances, which are changing rapidly and in flux.

The hurt will not persist forever if you seek who you really are and what you are really worth, and do actions toward that, even if you don't feel like it. It will take longer than you want it to, and be hard work, but if you persist you will come out the other side and feel happiness again, in a way you never imagined.

Sending encouragement,
CLMI
catlovermi is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 10:40 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
kj3880's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Change your number sweetie, and move on with your life. You are well out of it, though you may not feel that way now. In my opinion, you are much luckier than people like Callie who are still stuck with the addict in all their full glorious drama and she now has to decide whether to take him back and continue to do the codie dance for what could be years of pain and loss and financial and emotional ruin (Callie, free yourself, Baby!).

You can take this chance to move your life focus back to you, because your wife has made this decision for you. And it is a good decision for you to be alone for a while! You have a chance to learn about you and what you like now!

It is unkind that she is filling you in on the details. Stop listening to this, for your own sanity, and move on. Give yourself time to grieve and work on your self-esteem before you pick up a new relationship. Keep up the Alanon. It works if you work it, brother!

Love,
KJ
kj3880 is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 10:47 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
Originally Posted by brownimr View Post
I just think I am going to miss that rainbow after all the storms I have weathered as well.

Maybe, just maybe, the fact that she has found someone else is your rainbow after the storm. I know that's not really comforting, however she obviously still has some serious issues to deal with and it doesn't sound like she's ready to do that yet.

This could be your opportunity to move on and create a better life for yourself.

Maybe there's a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow just waiting to be found.






Sue
suzieq1972 is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 11:31 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Callie -

I am so sorry. It really wasn't fair to be jealous of you. I have read every thread of yours this morning after my meeting. Wow. So many similarities. AW started with percocet proceeded to fentanyl, dilaudid, and morphine before she was done. She was miserable. She has attempted suicide. I just didn't know what was driving the drama until the day we sent her to rehab. Now I have been questioning every moment of the last 12 years.

Freedom 1990, KJ and Sue -

Thanks - Ya'll are so right. Logically I see it. I know my AW in her selfishness has accidently given me the best present she ever has - freedom from her drama and damage. She has given up so much in my opinion, but she has no regrets - she is happier now than ever in her life. (According to the only update to the ILs)

I would still reconcile. The emotional pull is too strong. I was blindsided by her withdrawl, I am impatient or should that be inpatient regarding her.

Me - I struggle to find the driving force to propel me through the divorce process. The AW called the day after she moved out and told me that she didn't have enough money left for a lawyer, so if I would put everything together with mine she would just sign it, as long as she got the MB. Part of me wants to stop cleaning up her messes and just say forget it, but what happens to me later when I finally get over her and meet someone decent.


Callie - I know it wasn't fair to pick you out, but I wish my AW would've given me a chance. (Pretty selfish for a codee huh?)

To all - The kids are hers not ours together. They moved with her. I have damaged our relationship enough trying to save them from their future. My last recover relapse was caused by the sD moving out of the AW. She just moved back last night.
brownimr is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 11:54 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
MrsMagoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Anvil - you've been hot lately!

Brownimr - Hang in there buddy. Your AW is a sick sick person to treat you the way she has. Cut off the dead weight and move on. You sound like a very loving guy and you probably have alot to offer somebody but take care of you right now okay? Give yourself time to process this and go to meetings or counseling to work out your very obvious raw emotions.

Try to stay busy and not think about it and continue to let those calls go to VM (good for you) but just delete them instead of listening to the "verbal vomit" that's coming out of AW. Why keep twisting the knife in your own gut?
MrsMagoo is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 12:40 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
SistersHelp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
brownimr,
My story is different in terms of relationship (my addict is my sister), but there are similarities. When things are going well for her she phones my house and tells me things that are worrying, upsetting, frightening, hurtful... She does this because she feels powerful and chooses then to throw her weight around a bit. When things crash -and they ALWAYS do- she calls again looking for sympathy, warmth, support...

I used to get stressed out by this... a lot.

But I'm learning not to take her seriously when she's UP or when she's DOWN. In either case, it's insincere. Because she's not well.

Your wife sounds similar, using her new relationship as a weapon to hurt you. When it falls apart, she may be calling for your support and love again. In either case, I'd urge you not to take her too seriously. Protect yourself.

(hugs)
Lisa
SistersHelp is offline  
Old 03-06-2009, 12:46 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by brownimr View Post
Callie -

I am so sorry. It really wasn't fair to be jealous of you. I have read every thread of yours this morning after my meeting. Wow. So many similarities.
Callie - I know it wasn't fair to pick you out, but I wish my AW would've given me a chance. (Pretty selfish for a codee huh?)
I don't have much time right now, but DO NOT feel sorry for me or that you've hurt my feelings at all! If I can take what Freedom, Anvil, Laurie, Hello Kitty, Cynical, KJ, BV etc. can dish out, I can certainly take this!!!! J/K What I wouldn't do for supper on the table every night and the white picket fence. I'll respond more later, but you did not hurt my feelings at all. I put my story out there for myself AND to help others in any way that I can - if that is remotely possible. Hang in there bud! I'll be back to respond, but trying to utilize this burst of energy that AH has had to help me around the house! That happens rarely! I'm catching "glimpses" of my ah, but he has a LONG way to go.
Callie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:01 AM.