lovtolaff

I wonder if I confused the constant “drama and turmoil” in my most recent relationship with “passion”. The fact that there was always a small part of him that was elusive to me was kind of like the game of “hard to get” I suppose.

Just thinking out loud here – but I wonder if a more healthy relationship would have less “passion” than my last one? Say I met someone and he was a great guy – no addictions, normal by most standards, honest, trustworthy, etc? Am I going to feel like he’s “too nice” because I don’t have that constant yearning in my gut and the feeling of being consumed by all that he does?

I’ve ALWAYS picked the bad boy…always. I’ve been talking with/seeing a guy that is far from the usual guys I’ve dated. We have fun, he’s sweet, attentive, goes out of his way to do things for ME, does what he says he is going to do and I’m not constantly worried about what he is REALLY doing. It’s a different feeling to say the least. It’s like going from a tornado to a soft blowing, just barely felt breeze. Sometimes I wonder if I even know HOW to have a normal relationship. I enjoy him but I’m not quite used to the “normalcy” – kind of like always waiting on the other shoe to drop ya know?

Does any of this make sense to anyone?

(Note: I’m going to post this on 2 boards here for various responses. Thanks to everyone!)

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

that's so interesting that you say that. I had the same thing happen a few months before my A and I started dating. I met the absolute nicest guy in the world. We went out a few times, to the movies or to dinner. Did the normal kind of dating stuff. He was honest, respectful, caring. But I thought I just wasn't attracted to him. I thought i just didn't feel that "spark." I rationalized it as I wasn't looking for a serious relationship right now. Then I went into a crazy relationship with an addict. I wonder if everything was just going too well, maybe I was looking for drama. Interesting subject.

CatsPajamas

I've been at this awhile, and in my experience, I was addicted to the drama and chaos and all that went along with it. As I diligently worked my own recovery, my relationships started to be different. I pulled away from some friends as I realized those friendships were toxic. I made some new friends as I got healthier. I have had 3 or 4 dating relationships since my ex and I divorced 8 yrs ago. The first relationship was with a recovering addict. He has 23 or more years clean. I thought that would work for me as he really does work a program. It didn't last, and I dated another man who was just back from Iraq and had some serious PTSD problems and was diagnosed bi-polar. I thought I could handle it, but his disease was stronger than I was. As I worked thru the carnage left behind from that relationship, I realized that I still had a very high tolerance for unacceptable behavior. I spent quite awhile alone, deciding I needed to get healthier myself if I wanted a healthier partner.

Today, I am in a very happy, healthy relationship with a great man. He's very stable, very balanced, and doesn't seem to have any addiction/alcoholism in his family. (go figure). It took awhile, but I had come to the place where I decided I was fine by myself. I had a great circle of family and friends, little to no drama in my life, and I didn't need a man to make me complete anymore. It was then, and only then, that my HP said, "OK, now you are ready for the one I've been preparing for you. He's the one, don't mess this up." And he dropped G into my world.

It took time for me to get to this place. I don't regret any of the relationships along the way as each taught me some really important life lessons. But today I live happy, joyous and drama free, and it's all good.

winnie12

I think you have a very valid point. I remember when i was younger and was talking to my mom - i told her that we're all arguing all the time and she said we're just passionate people - at the time i thought she meant that as a positive thing but she didnt - she was just trying to explain the personality types we all were. I know now how that bothered her because she doesnt share the "passion" the rest of her family is burdened with. I find that sad now in hindsight especially since i know that i was one of those people forcing my passions on her.

I think I used to thrive on drama. My ex says that our relationship wasnt like a fire it was like a large explosion of fireworks - it was either unbelieveably good or unvelievably bad but always intense. at some point most of us do grow up and start desiring peace and stability over intensity. you just have to get to the point that you just cant handle the drama anymore.

lovtolaff

Yes me too.

Ours too...very intense. Not really in a "good" way either. It was ALL consuming for me and I totally lost myself. We were with each other 24/7 - unless he wanted to "sneak" off to do something than it was different - I was "clingy" or "controlling".

Maybe I did have REAL passion with him - I don't know. I do know that during that relationship I shed alot of tears, missed alot of meals (sick/worried stomach), and experienced alot of heartbreak...again and again. Not a healthy place to be at all.

outtolunch

Drama is all emotion and as addictive as narcotics.

Abundance

The father of my boys.... is a normie. And I got with him after my first AH. We were together for 7 years. It felt so refreshing to be in a relationship with no drama.... literally we never fought. Well, I hadn't done any codependency work when I got with him - I thought I was fixed. I was not living any drama... therefor I'm cured.

Well... I wasn't. I then began to create my own drama. I put on 50 pounds, I would lie about times that I went out to get donuts and fast food..... I dove totally and completely into my children......... LOST SITE OF MYSELF! We fell out of love and split on an amicable basis. I knew something was going on with me - and I didn't feel comfortable sharing with him what I was going through. A part of me had fear that he already viewed me as being "damaged goods" after being married to an A. And also - he was terribly boring. What is sad - is that he told me after we split - that had he of been more exciting (more challenging) - we would have stayed together. That was a defining moment for me.

So..... my advice would be to stay in your own recovery.
Keep working on yourself. Figure out why you run away from yourself and into the drama..... etc etc.