problem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
problem
I saw abf on sunday. I had called him last week to break things off and tell him we both should focus on ourselves for now. He was very upset about all of this. He took his pass on sunday and we went out to lunch and talked and had a really nice afternoon. Monday was fine...except for the snow. Tuesday he calls me almost in tears and really upset saying they are going to kick him out of the house if he doesn't have a job by noon on friday. According to the rules of the house, he has to have a job within six weeks of being put on level one which allows him to go out on job search mon-fri 9:30-2:45 They are not allowed to go out on saturday or sunday, or when we have snowstorms (which has been a lot this winter, including monday) Their house was also put on restriction for a week, so he lost that week and was told he was going to get it back. So at this point he is freaking out. He has 120 days clean time tomorrow...and might get kicked out. This is the most clean time he has ever had. He asks his counsler on tuesday if he can file and extention, because when he went into this house they told him 6 weeks and then u can file an extention for 2 more weeks. The director decided to change the rules on him last minute and says nope...friday by noon is the deadline, and then also tells him he can't have the week back that they were on restriction either. He was so angry and hurt. I really felt so bad for him. He has everyone helping him. All the guys in the house are pissed, the started a petition to keep him there. The guys and the staff say he's a positive influence in the house. He has convinced to guys to stay in the program, that wanted to leave. So yesterday he goes and gets hired on the spot at a job. They give him paperwork telling him he is hired and that he starts on 3/31. He goes back and tells his case manager and then has to meet with the director. The director tells him the job is no good because it doesn't start for 3 weeks. Now here is my poor abf...freaking out, he gets a job and now they are telling him nope, sorry. He did everything they asked of him and they are still telling him they are going to kick him out. He wants to stay so bad. He is really trying to focus on his recovery and do the right thing. I think I am going to call the director today when I get a chance and try to talk to him. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? :wtf2
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
He didnt do everything they said because he didnt get a job. Whether its fair or not doesnt matter - lifes not fair - we all have restrictions on our lives.
Alaia - this is not your battle to fight its his. Stay out of it and remember that you're hearing his side. Think about it you were telling him you were breaking up and then suddenly he pulls you back in with an urgent situation that he cannot handle on his own and here you are running in to rescue him. How great would it be if he learned to deal with his own problems and fixed this himself without your interference.
The last time my son was in jail he was waiting to go back to rehab but really wanted out for the holidays. He asked me to help and talk to his PO and the Judge. I refused - I said if he wanted out that he would have to do it all. He complained how he couldnt do it from jail but we both knew better. So once I refused to help him he made the contacts, had the appointments set up in jail, wrote a letter to the judge and to my surprise got released from jail for the holidays on house arrest. A 16 yo boy got himself out of jail with no help from mom or an attorney! Now that I was proud of him for - he wanted something and he did the work and got it. The thing is - he took his house arrest more seriously and he is taking rehab more seriously because he is there due to his own work and his own efforts. When he works for it - it means something - when i do it for him - it means nothing. Whether or not my son stays and succeeds in rehab is his deal not mine. If he has a problem there he has to fix it because he caused it. If i run in and save him then I just stole a lesson from him that he needed to learn and therefore have interfered in his recovery. This is all about personal responsibility.
Alaia - this is not your battle to fight its his. Stay out of it and remember that you're hearing his side. Think about it you were telling him you were breaking up and then suddenly he pulls you back in with an urgent situation that he cannot handle on his own and here you are running in to rescue him. How great would it be if he learned to deal with his own problems and fixed this himself without your interference.
The last time my son was in jail he was waiting to go back to rehab but really wanted out for the holidays. He asked me to help and talk to his PO and the Judge. I refused - I said if he wanted out that he would have to do it all. He complained how he couldnt do it from jail but we both knew better. So once I refused to help him he made the contacts, had the appointments set up in jail, wrote a letter to the judge and to my surprise got released from jail for the holidays on house arrest. A 16 yo boy got himself out of jail with no help from mom or an attorney! Now that I was proud of him for - he wanted something and he did the work and got it. The thing is - he took his house arrest more seriously and he is taking rehab more seriously because he is there due to his own work and his own efforts. When he works for it - it means something - when i do it for him - it means nothing. Whether or not my son stays and succeeds in rehab is his deal not mine. If he has a problem there he has to fix it because he caused it. If i run in and save him then I just stole a lesson from him that he needed to learn and therefore have interfered in his recovery. This is all about personal responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
So you called to break it off and then spent the weekend with him and now you want to intervene on his behalf, and call the director.
At the end of the day, he screwed up. He did not do what he was supposed to do, when he was supposed to do it, despite having a very real deadline and plenty of time to do it.
Facing the very real risk of getting kicked out, is the consequence of his choices.
What became of both of you focusing on your own lives?
Please let him stand on his own two feet and work this out. He needs learn how to survive on his own, in the real world, without others doing his bidding for him. He's a grown man.
At the end of the day, he screwed up. He did not do what he was supposed to do, when he was supposed to do it, despite having a very real deadline and plenty of time to do it.
Facing the very real risk of getting kicked out, is the consequence of his choices.
What became of both of you focusing on your own lives?
Please let him stand on his own two feet and work this out. He needs learn how to survive on his own, in the real world, without others doing his bidding for him. He's a grown man.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
I agree with the others, he had the rules laid out to him from the beginning, and HE didn't comply. Instead, after you trying to break-up with him, he quacks & quacks to pull you back. He needs to work on himself. And you need to focus on yourself.
winnie, I thank you for your post, as I needed a reminder today to let my AD do it all on her own.
winnie, I thank you for your post, as I needed a reminder today to let my AD do it all on her own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
He got a job yesterday...he got hired before friday, which was the deadline. It's not his fault that it doesn't start till 3/31. He has been actively looking for a job. He had 3 interviews, but didn't get hired at them. The economy sucks right now and trying to find a job is next to impossible. There are so many people all looking (especially the 30 or so in the program) for jobs. I am not rushing in to fix his problem, I don't think it's fair what they are doing to him! Between snow days and restriction he lost almost 2 weeks of job search, and he was told he could file for an extention...but now they won't let him, for whatever reason. If they let him have the week back that the house was on restriction and the 2 week extention, it would be time for him to start since 3/31 is in about 3 weeks. He has other applications out and has been trying to set up interviews. He goes to the career center and looks up jobs, e-mails some of them that are on craig's list to me, so I can attach his resume for him, because he isn't good with computers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
So you called to break it off and then spent the weekend with him and now you want to intervene on his behalf, and call the director.
Yes, I do want to intervene because he did get a job yesterday...before friday and now they tell him it's not vaild cause he dosen't start till the 31st. Thats just ********. He got the job, they should let him stay.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Alaia, with all due respect, I personally know how bad the economy is right now, it has affected my life. However, you are only hearing your bf's story, do you know for a fact that this how it all went down?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
You're missing the whole point - this is not your problem its HIS problem. Therefore its not up to you to fix it - its up to him. Have you remotely thought that the rehab is trying to teach him something about responsibility and you may be standing in the way?
What happens to the next person who doesnt follow the program guidelines and gets thrown out - do they say but you let that guy stay - this isnt fair and they have to let them stay too. next thing you know the rule of getting a job means nothing.
honestly, what does fair have to do with anything? this is what my teenager says when he doesnt want to follow rules. is it fair that you have to deal with addiction in your life? Is it fair when the single mom looses her job and cant afford food? lots of things arent fair in my life - i can cry about it or i can do something about it - the one thing I never expect is for someone else to do it for me. dont steal this lesson from your bf - let him do it himself. If he does he will have pride and he will be more apt to make sure he keeps that job instead of coming up with excuses later and crying to you to fix it for him.
Alaia - this is not only a lesson in his recovery but this is a lesson for your recovery. Are you going to go back to the old ways and fix it or are you going to let him be responsible for his own life and his own battles?
What happens to the next person who doesnt follow the program guidelines and gets thrown out - do they say but you let that guy stay - this isnt fair and they have to let them stay too. next thing you know the rule of getting a job means nothing.
honestly, what does fair have to do with anything? this is what my teenager says when he doesnt want to follow rules. is it fair that you have to deal with addiction in your life? Is it fair when the single mom looses her job and cant afford food? lots of things arent fair in my life - i can cry about it or i can do something about it - the one thing I never expect is for someone else to do it for me. dont steal this lesson from your bf - let him do it himself. If he does he will have pride and he will be more apt to make sure he keeps that job instead of coming up with excuses later and crying to you to fix it for him.
Alaia - this is not only a lesson in his recovery but this is a lesson for your recovery. Are you going to go back to the old ways and fix it or are you going to let him be responsible for his own life and his own battles?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I have to agree with the others.
He had six weeks, and not until his back was against the wall did he land a job opp. Had he tried harder during the six weeks, he may not be in this spot.
I'm sure this isn't the first time this has happened at the facility. They have thier rules for a reason, and if its in the best interest of the facitily and your ABF, they may listen.
Sometimes a lesson learned is a valuable thing. Let him learn, and grow.
(((Hugs)))
He had six weeks, and not until his back was against the wall did he land a job opp. Had he tried harder during the six weeks, he may not be in this spot.
I'm sure this isn't the first time this has happened at the facility. They have thier rules for a reason, and if its in the best interest of the facitily and your ABF, they may listen.
Sometimes a lesson learned is a valuable thing. Let him learn, and grow.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25
you said he has people trying to help him so i think you need to try and let go of the situation and I can't see anywhere that signfies you fouscing on yourself and he needs to stand up to his own responsiblities. is it not a form of co-depenancey when even though he has others helping he still relys on you to help him after you telling him you need to foucse on youself? does that not make him somewhat selfish?? we all need help in life but there's only so much one can do and if he is starting on a bad number all i can sugest is that you be carefull not to be pulled down with him...emotions are very hard to control and can make you blind and do things against your will along the way...rules are there for a reason other wise whats the point 'cause you would never learn anything or take responablities for you actions...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
The recovery house is there to help him, not hurt him. They know what they are doing and what they are dealing with. You really don't know what signs they see in him of not pulling his weight.
I will just give you an example...my ex-ah was in a recovery program and he called in tears one night saying they were going to remove him from the program because he was staying to himself isolating. He tells me he just wanted some quite time. He only had one week to go. I was mad, what is wrong with that, time alone. He managed to stay on got back on the program, finished his week, got in the car and went straight to get crack. He was in the program ordered by the court, so he was sweating not to be removed.
Isolation is part of relapse, they knew what was going on, they are trained for it.
Your have to remember hands off, let the chips fall where they go.
Rose
I will just give you an example...my ex-ah was in a recovery program and he called in tears one night saying they were going to remove him from the program because he was staying to himself isolating. He tells me he just wanted some quite time. He only had one week to go. I was mad, what is wrong with that, time alone. He managed to stay on got back on the program, finished his week, got in the car and went straight to get crack. He was in the program ordered by the court, so he was sweating not to be removed.
Isolation is part of relapse, they knew what was going on, they are trained for it.
Your have to remember hands off, let the chips fall where they go.
Rose
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by winnie12
Have you remotely thought that the rehab is trying to teach him something about responsibility and you may be standing in the way?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Everyone above has pretty much 'hit the nail on the head."
This is NOT you taking care of you. This IS you getting in on the 'drama' one more time.
Everything that you typed that 'he said' sounds like QUACKING to me.
Gee, if they are going to kick him out, guess he's going to have to find another sober living facility (and if he's SERIOUS about his recovery this is what he will do). But I don't think he will, I think he's going to 'wheedle' his way back into your place.
Alaia I will say an extra prayer for you, that you get your 'light bulb moment' and do not have to go through more h*ll which I believe is coming based on what you have said in this thread.
You are NOT his mommy. You are NOT his 'fixer.' This is HIS DEAL. He has to fix this on his own.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
This is NOT you taking care of you. This IS you getting in on the 'drama' one more time.
Everything that you typed that 'he said' sounds like QUACKING to me.
Gee, if they are going to kick him out, guess he's going to have to find another sober living facility (and if he's SERIOUS about his recovery this is what he will do). But I don't think he will, I think he's going to 'wheedle' his way back into your place.
Alaia I will say an extra prayer for you, that you get your 'light bulb moment' and do not have to go through more h*ll which I believe is coming based on what you have said in this thread.
You are NOT his mommy. You are NOT his 'fixer.' This is HIS DEAL. He has to fix this on his own.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Alaia,
Sweetie, please re-read what you wrote. Sometimes things just pop out at me when I read others posts... the biggest red-flag that hit me on your thread was....
MY POOR BOYFRIEND......
Honey, he is not your poor boyfriend, you speak as if he were a 'wounded puppy' that has been abandonded by his mother, and now it's your job to feed it, keep it warm, and make sure that it's chance of survival it maximized..... because you feel so bad for this helpless little puppy.
Guess what, he is a grown man, and I keep thinking about HIS POOR BABY (literally) that he has failed. Screw fixing things for him Alaia, let him fix things for him, and the child that HE brought into the world.
I haven't seen one indicator in the posts, that he has done anything for his ex, the baby, and certaintly not for YOU.
I think you need to sit back and really evaluate what your motives are.....
(p.s.- I know this will rattle ya a bit.... I think you need to really see things clearer. however, it is ment with love.)
Love,
Cess
Cessy
Sweetie, please re-read what you wrote. Sometimes things just pop out at me when I read others posts... the biggest red-flag that hit me on your thread was....
MY POOR BOYFRIEND......
Honey, he is not your poor boyfriend, you speak as if he were a 'wounded puppy' that has been abandonded by his mother, and now it's your job to feed it, keep it warm, and make sure that it's chance of survival it maximized..... because you feel so bad for this helpless little puppy.
Guess what, he is a grown man, and I keep thinking about HIS POOR BABY (literally) that he has failed. Screw fixing things for him Alaia, let him fix things for him, and the child that HE brought into the world.
I haven't seen one indicator in the posts, that he has done anything for his ex, the baby, and certaintly not for YOU.
I think you need to sit back and really evaluate what your motives are.....
(p.s.- I know this will rattle ya a bit.... I think you need to really see things clearer. however, it is ment with love.)
Love,
Cess
Cessy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
I am glad that everyone is totally against me. I am glad that u all think i am doing the wrong thing. this is a lot different then comming home for xmas. It's really not his fault. He got the job, he should get to stay. end of story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
You know what makes me mad even more...is the fact that the whole staff and the mens house are all behind him with support and want him to stay...it all comes down to the director and the director has the final say. I went there today, I have been on the phone. i got the story straight...its all ********. He's getting kicked out even though he got hired. You don't believe me...fine, u think I am wrong...fine but I am not giving up hope. I know the whole story and I am not going to back down. Thanks for the support guys. Thanks alot.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Alaia, the whole 'mens house'- again, who are you talking to? recovering addicts? The same ones that stuck it out together when useing?
The same people that continue to manipulate and rationalize behavior, long before and long after initial recovery?
The 'workers?'- did you ever think that something sounds terribly wrong with your 'story'?
There isn't a social worker at a group home who would EVER, and I mean EVER, sit there and tell a client, (nevermind an intrusive ousider girlfriend) that the director is WRONG!!
It's not going to happen. It is unethical, and thats just for starters.........
I guess you want to rationalize this and deny this - perhaps even more than your boyfriend denies and rationalizes his drug abuse. In addition, I can't believe I hear you stomping your feet about reasonable feedback.
It's interesting that you have never responded about his ex, or his baby, you don't seem to care about those issues. It seems as though the only issue that you are concerned about is, YOU. Unfortuantly it's not in a healthy way. If you really wanted to help and support him, you'd start by backing off, and letting him take care of the people who should be his first priority.
I don't even see how he could possibly get well, with you running mad around him, the director, the workers, it's just horribly unhealthy.
Sorry you disagree,
Hugs,
Cess
The same people that continue to manipulate and rationalize behavior, long before and long after initial recovery?
The 'workers?'- did you ever think that something sounds terribly wrong with your 'story'?
There isn't a social worker at a group home who would EVER, and I mean EVER, sit there and tell a client, (nevermind an intrusive ousider girlfriend) that the director is WRONG!!
It's not going to happen. It is unethical, and thats just for starters.........
I guess you want to rationalize this and deny this - perhaps even more than your boyfriend denies and rationalizes his drug abuse. In addition, I can't believe I hear you stomping your feet about reasonable feedback.
It's interesting that you have never responded about his ex, or his baby, you don't seem to care about those issues. It seems as though the only issue that you are concerned about is, YOU. Unfortuantly it's not in a healthy way. If you really wanted to help and support him, you'd start by backing off, and letting him take care of the people who should be his first priority.
I don't even see how he could possibly get well, with you running mad around him, the director, the workers, it's just horribly unhealthy.
Sorry you disagree,
Hugs,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Alaia
You know what makes me mad even more...is the fact that the whole staff and the mens house are all behind him with support and want him to stay...it all comes down to the director and the director has the final say. I went there today, I have been on the phone. i got the story straight...its all ********. He's getting kicked out even though he got hired. You don't believe me...fine, u think I am wrong...fine but I am not giving up hope. I know the whole story and I am not going to back down. Thanks for the support guys. Thanks alot.
I find that if I make a decision that I know is right in my heart, I don't have to defend it.
If you're so sure you're doing the right thing, then what anyone else says here should roll off of you like water off a duck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Alaia, my 21 year old daughter was tossed out of a sober house. Between her story, "their" story, and all of the other residents, I was able to put the pieces together. Still, not once did I try to talk them into letting her stay, and I was paying the bill! That was her job, not mine, and she didn't want to stay some place that wasn't a good fit.
I learned "hands off the addict" no matter if they're in recovery or not.
I learned "hands off the addict" no matter if they're in recovery or not.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
