How do I act when I see my AS???
 

I leave tomorrow (Thurs) night to drive 13 hours to see my son who has been in rehab since Jan 25 for the first time. I don't know what to say or how to act when I see him. The mom in me wants to run and hug him but I'm not sure that is the best thing. I never thought I would be so nervous to see my own child. I am afraid he will want to come home with us although I have already told him that is not going to happen. We are taking a full load of people just so he can't come home with us. I talked to his counselor tonight and she said he has a long way to go and I know that it is a 3 month program so he is only about half way through but I so wanted to hear that they thought he was doing so well and they didn't tell me that. I am so disappointed to hear that and so scared that this will not work. I know this rambles and I am sorry i am just at a loss tonight and scared to death. I just want someone to help him.

Just do your part and leave God's work to Him. I imagine he spent more than a month and a half drinking/using. "If you walk 40 miles into a forest, you gotta walk 40 miles out!" More importantly, what have you done for YOUR recovery?

Sounds like a plan if that is how you feel when you arrive :)

When my daughter was in rehab I tended to leave the direction to her. I tried not to suffocate her with my anxiety or ask so what do you do each day, how do you feel...are you craving, etc. etc. I found that letting her know I really missed her and I thought she looked great and giving her a big old hug was all that was needed to break the tension and get into the "normal" mom/daughter conversation. We talked about everything...whatever came to mind. I didn't focus on what she was there for; if she wanted to tell me about it, she would volunteer the info. And actually she did..This was what she was living day in and day out, so it naturally came up. One time she had a half day pass and we went out and just did fun things she wanted to do. That is a day that stands out in my memory as a beuatiful, happy time.

As far as his progress, it helped me to remember that just like us, our addicted loved ones progress in their own time and in their own way. I can relate to that feeling of wanting to get a "good report." I kinda felt like it was parent teacher conference and I had hopes of hearing she was straight A's. One thing I heard more than once from counselors in rehab is that they could not predict who was going to stay the path and who would relapse. They saw the model client use within hours of leaving and the ones they thought just didn't get it struggle through until suddenly something clicked and they worked recovery for the rest of their lives.

I hope you can let go of the fears and worries since there really isn't anything we can do to change things, and enjoy the visit with your son. Hugs

He has a weekend pass so we will have him with us in the hotel from Friday evening, following family counseling, to Sunday evening. Just pray for us that we are able to survive the weekend. We are taking my neices ages 4 and 8 to help ease the way as he dearly loves both of them. I don't want the whole time to be totally about him as life is not all about him as he seems to think it is, but not sure how to avoide it.

(((Dorton))) - I think you will do just fine. I also think taking your nieces is an excellent idea!! There's nothing like having little kids around, to take the focus off of anyone but THEM. I would make sure I planned some "kid friendly" things for the girls..just to remind him that this is his family thing.

When I first got clean, I hadn't seen my little niece and nephew in almost 2 years. My nephew was only 3 and didn't even know me, but my niece ran up and jumped in my arms. That is one of the things that made me want to stay clean even more...I'd missed them, and I realized that if I didn't STAY clean, I wouldn't have them in my lives, because I was not allowed around them if I was using.

I know you're nervous, but I hope it all turns out well.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Just be his Mom, but remember he's still a sick kid to a point, so don't let him take advantage of you. Keep your boundaries, (no he's not coming home, etc.) but your not their to fix him, he is their to fix himself with the help of the doctors.

Remember nothing you do is going to make or break him or decide whether he is going to use again or not. So don't put pressure on yourself, just be Mom..


Maybe ask yourself what or how would you want your family to treat you if you were sick from drugs/alcohol and they were coming to see you?

Sometimes if we put ourselves in their shoes first, then it makes it all the easier.

:ghug2

I always take AS's direction on things like hugs and what we're going to talk about. I never fully know what mood he'll be in when I see him - it all depends on the stage he's in and how counseling has been going. In the beginning we didnt touch at all but now he usually grabs me and gives me a big hug. I saw him yesterday to drop off some things he needed at rehab and he probably hugged me four times in 10 minutes but it took us quite a while to get to that point.

I never bring up the subject of how treatment is going - if he wants to share he will and then we can talk about that - even then i try to keep my opinions to myself becuase he is still learning and has a long way to go - its up to him to do it there so my opinions dont really matter. I think my role in this is more to just be a reminder that there is life after rehab - that there are people who love him and that he does still have me in his life.

Dorton, Just be a Mom. Try to think of this visit as a visit you would have with any child who was living away from home.

Have a safe trip!


:ghug3

((((dorton)))
I hope you get the chance to really enjoy your visit. Keep reminding yourself that nothing you say right or wrong will make him get better or worse.

To be honest, I REALLY admire you for signing up for a 13 hour trip with youngsters :)
(((Hugs)))

Hi Dorton,

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your son. Let us know how it goes. Be yourself- it's been since Jan. 25th since you've seen him? I'd say YOU deserve to hug him, whether he wants you to or not!! :ghug3

Getting ready to leave please pray for us.

Coming in late to wish you a wonderful weekend. Stop worrying and just enjoy the visit...and don't feel you have to walk on eggshells.

Just be yourself, enjoy him as a "person" and let the "addict" have a time out, and have a wonderful time.

Hugs

Go with the flow, stay in the moment, enjoy the weekend and remember,
" PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION "

I have never been an addict and yet my own recovery has taken a long time and I am a work in progress.

Your son is in recovery and trying. That's something to celebrate.
I would give a big ole hug without conditions.

Everyone has given you great advice. Enjoy the visit and be happy your son is in rehab. Give him HUGS!! You'll enjoy that also.

Prayers for all.

Sending prayers for a nice visit. I found that, although I had not seen my daughter for 5 months before she went to rehab, it did not take me long to feel the love for her. Hugs, Marle

We are back,and we actually survived the weekend. It was very hard!! Taking the girls with us was the best thing we could have done. The 4 year old is so full of life and funny it is hard to be upset and down around her. Thank God they travel well with a total of 26 hours in a car. I saw glimmers of change in him but not NEARLY enough for me to feel comfortable that this will work forever. We had a session with his counselor on Fri. before we took him, she didn't really say anything we didn't already know--stay strong, have a set of rules when he comes home and kick him out if he doesn't stick with them, drug test him often, that he expects everything to be all about him, that he has to have a job, etc. I just keep telling myself that the program is only half over so hopefully the second half we will see greater and faster progress. I just wish I could know for sure if it will work for the long haul. But I know there is no one that can answer that question. Please keep praying for us as we hane a LONG, LONG road ahead of us.

(((Dorton)))

I'm glad you went, took the girls, and "survived" the weekend. I'm sorry you didn't see the progress you wanted to, but recovery takes time. We A's are hard-headed and stubborn, but we can recover. We just have to hit our head against the wall a few zillion times, and realize that doing things OUR way doesnt work:) Those darned consequences are what worked for me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy