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Rediscovering Me? Scary, yet what a concept! First off I have not posted since last summer when my AH was in rehab. I was trying to figure out what my role was in his recovery, only in the end to realize I really did not have one, for it did not matter what I did his mistress (meth) remains #1. He stayed clean for 6 months and in the last two months he's had 2 dirties and 1 busted for for drinking yet tested clean for meth. Being he is in Drug Court they had him move back to the halfway house month an half ago, his latest relapse with drinking almost landed him in prison. Instead of prison the judge put a 90 day No Contact Order with me. I found it funny because the last couple of relapses, he and I were getting along fine, he ran into the "Old Crowd of Friends" and chose to use or drink. Yet he likes to blame it all on me of course so there it is No Contact. I realize that I have to thank him for blaming me an giving that final push of being able to cut him off an out of my life for a minute. I know I MUST find myself again, yet each day is terrifying. I have let myself go over the last 2 years, there's so much I have to get back....physicaly, mentally and emotionally. I have gone back to work, making less than I did when I was 18 and fighting with the Drug Court Program so I can get money from my AH because he still has a responsibility to take care of his daughter. He works full time, makes good money, lives in a halfway house so all his needs are being taken care of while I am trying to take care of my house and kids on my own. So here to the next 90 days! |
addiction stinks!!! However good for you for looking out for yourself and taking care of you |
even with the addiction, it seems like you get the raw end of the deal sometimes, i know. while my A was in treatment i sometimes thought, "man, i wish i could stay here. have 3 good healthy meals cooked for you. no bills, no parenting responsibilties, meditation and counseling daily, workout equipment, you don't have to think about anyone but yourself." seems like a vacation to me. i was at home taking care of a 2 year old by myself, trying to figure out how to pay for everything and having a new $500 bill that i had no clue about shoved in my face every other day or so. answering the phone to all of his drug buddies 5 times a day... sorry, i wasn't trying to depress you. just want to say good luck with everything. hope you find some serenity and get through it! :ghug3 |
No apologies! You made me giggle......I remember last year thinking the same thing when he was in rehab, I wanted to know where my rehab was. When he was going back to the halfway house he brought up " I don't want to hear you say how easy I have it because I get 3 meals a day, roof over my head and paid utilities" took everything I had not to reply back (it would not of been pretty) |
I know I MUST find myself again, yet each day is terrifying. I have let myself go over the last 2 years, there's so much I have to get back....physicaly, mentally and emotionally. It isn't easy to start over financially, emotionally and physically. But it IS a new start and can be as beautiful as you choose to make it. I hear courage in your voice that you may not hear yourself yet, and I have a feeling that you will make out just fine. Hugs |
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