the drugs vs. the personality......

Old 03-02-2009, 07:34 PM
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the drugs vs. the personality......

I wonder if ya all feel it is the drugs that induce such selfish behavior - or is it the pesonaility traits of being selfish, that allow them to abuse drugs and complicate their already selfish beings.........

It's the "me, me, me" attitude.

I found myself pondering this- because people I know say - "he/she is so selfish because of the drugs".....

and I get others saying "he is so selfish, that he dosen't care about the impact of what he/she does....."

Example....

I whined all day about how much i'm working... etc.
Only to come home and find him on the couch, watching me go back and forth upstairs doing laundry etc. I heard "cess, could you grab me a bowl of cereal.....?"

URRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!! :wtf2

OR example...

I get the phone call about how all of his workers are lazy, HE does all the work, bla bla bla....

URRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!

OR when I slept in today and went to work late and he asked about it, I said "I deserve to sleep, I'm constantly busy. Why do you ask? You sleep in alot..."

The response.... "I WORK MORE..... (not true) ..... I WORK HARDER...... (not ture)

I wonder if he thinks the maid cooks, cleans, does his laundry, grocery shops... pays the bills.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY....

I really am believing that he is just a selfish individual, who ALWAYS thinks of himself FIRST. He ALWAYS has it worse than me, or anyone else that he is around. He is such a VICTIM. And constantly can find ways to justify his beliefs and/or actions/reactions.

I think sober or actively abuseing drugs- I found myself with a flippin selfish- self centered man.'

Thanks for letting me vent ladies and gents.

Let me know if you think its the chicken that laid the egg or the egg that made the chicken.............



Love,
Cessy
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:57 PM
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I don't know. My ABF had some self-centerness before the drugs. However, it became much more pronounced once his only thought in life was getting more drugs. Now that he is in early recovery, he is still very self-centered and whiney. I think I've seen a little bit of improvement as he is in recovery, but it comes and goes. Today, he was very whiney.
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Old 03-02-2009, 08:47 PM
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Cess,

Eager to hear the responses. I too have pondered it. There are so many different ways to look at this. Drug addiction also cause regression so its possible that they regress to the age of immaturity. The age where you can ONLY think about yourself?

Or maybe its something that is triggered with the addiction. Like when you turn on your car (most newer cars) the headlights or day running lights automatically go on. So maybe when the beast of addiction is awakened it causes a domino effect and also turns on the selfish gene.

We could ponder this all day. Addiction is in itself a very selfish disease. Look at what they give up to be a slave to it.

Basically what it boils down to is that the drugs FRY their brains. So any capable emotion or desire is now distorted in such a way that their emotions are no longer REAL.

Interesting post....

Love
Cass
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Old 03-02-2009, 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
IMO, the drugs enhance the preexisting personality disorder.
I remember a saying about the truth coming out when you're drunk. What I've seen in myself and others when under the influence is that the true personality comes out. I remember a time when I had all sorts of unresolved sadness in my life but always put on a good front. I got drunk and spent the night crying; the "truth" finally came out. My inhibitions were gone.

Our brains have evolved from cave man days in that we developed a conscience, but we never lost our survival instinct that screams "me, me, ME!" Substance abuse hijacks the brain, the conscience is overpowered, and it's all about "me" again.
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Old 03-03-2009, 05:23 AM
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cessy - time to do your homework on what drugs/alcohol do to the brain, the parts of the brain affected, how long the brain is affected even in abstinence, and the behaviors that come out of that affected brain.

The person you're living with has had his brain hijacked. He does not know it, and we loved ones keep forgetting it because they don't look different on the outside. You will not know his personality positives/negatives until he has had a good deal of recovery under his belt.
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Old 03-03-2009, 05:27 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
IMO, the drugs enhance the preexisting personality disorder.
I agree. As a recovering addict, I can see where I was a mess long before I started using, and the drugs just magnified all those character defects.
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Old 03-03-2009, 05:46 AM
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Mine is a teen which is pretty much the most selfish time of anyone's life but when he's using its all intensified - everything is about him and his needs. Its also his way of pulling me in - making me responsible for every feeling he has and every need he has - its the codie dance. Its like the person who says I worked hard all week i deserve to go out and get drunk - its just a trick the mind is playing on them putting them in the position of a victim so that they have their excuse.

But the flip side is that i find i place myself in the victim role too which feeds my codie behavior. So if it were me while i was walking up and down the stairs doing laundry the whole time i would be ranting in my head "why doesnt he get up and help me, why do i have to do everything around here, blah blah blah." Eventually I would blow and have a temper tantrum of my own. So since it bothers me so much now I just dont do it - if he's not contributing and busy doing things, I do my laundry and my daughters and his sits in the laundry room until he gets off the couch and does it himself. I also dont explain myself - so what if i work hard - so what if i slept late - so what if he thinks something about me - i dont need to justify myself to anyone whether it be what I deserve or why I deserve it. When i do that it becomes a competition and I just wont play that anymore because I'm not competing against an addict's crazy mind anymore.
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Old 03-03-2009, 06:34 AM
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I wonder if some of it can be learned behavior too. With addiction being genetic, there's a good chance that our addicts grew up with parents who were also addicts. Also, one of the personality traits of adult children of addicts is that they tend to take care of others, but can't take care of themselves (thus expecting others to do so).
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Old 03-03-2009, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i believe that often drugs get WAY too much credit, kinda like the asterisk on home run records. we can use it as an "excuse" for irresponsible, self centered, juvenile behavior...."well he cant' really help himself, he's a drug addict after all and just missed out on those living skills and proper modes of conduct"

THHHPPPPPPPP. we ain't talking about performing brain transplants with no training and a butter knife....we're talking about acting like grown ups. about being responsible productive members of society, about keeping our hands and feet to ourselves, sharing our toys, and keeping our cubby organized.

and it all comes back around to US, and our boundaries, and what we deem acceptable behavior and how we teach people to treat US. and not buying into anyone else's

Yeah, I've had a bit of difficulty with this, problem being that speculating for any length was taking the focus off my behavior and putting it on theirs, which I can't afford to do. And possibly even feeding denial, thinking that they were really capable of doing the right thing while they were in active addiction, I could somehow guilt/cajole/manipulate them into seeing the error of their ways.

I've finally gotten to the point where I can accept that they will always put the addiction first, and try to act accordingly. They are just doing what addicts do, after all is said and done.
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Old 03-03-2009, 07:33 AM
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this is exactly what i was talking about in my post a few days ago.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-i-do-him.html

it's that "the world owes me something" complex.
if I had a dime for everytime my A has said "no one else could ever understand what i go through everyday, what a struggle it is for me to just WAKE UP" then I would be a very rich woman.

i think, in active recovery, it is an excuse that the addiction uses to keep using because no one else could ever understand. but, I also think it's just part of the personality.

when i was staying at home with our son, i did 98 percent of the cleaning. but, every now and then, when he would help me clean (vacuum, dishes, laundry, bathroom, whatever), i could pretty much bet on what he would say after it was all said and done with: "i think that is the cleanest that room has ever been."

he didn't say it in a mean way, just like he honestly, truly believed that his hard work was in some way different from the hard work that i performed several times a week.

but i've had to refrain myself from smacking him quite a few times when i said "it looks the same freaking way it looked last week you just didnt notice it because you didn't do it."
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:22 AM
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I think that it can vary. I've been with an addict/alcoholic that had a really good work ethic and was fairly kind and generous even though he drank and used every day. He never missed work, and always helped around the house. That's just the way he was raised. We were together for 3 years and broke up when I was in recovery. I just couldn't be around the drinking/using anymore. But he was a good guy in many ways.

But in recovery, I met and dated a very lazy man for about 2 months, that I've often talked about on here. He was in recovery, but didn't want to move a finger, constantly asking for help with things he should do for himself, such as laundry, getting a snack or drink, typing a resume, running errands...just lazy. Couldn't keep a job. He was raised by a woman who treated him like a little prince, cleaning up behind him all day, constantly plying him with treats and soda, gave him an allowance for doing no tasks at all. IMO, that's the worst thing you do to your kids, or one of them anyway.

KJ
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:41 AM
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its equally both.
the drugs definitely play into the selfishness, but you have to be selfish in order to start doing drugs..
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Old 03-03-2009, 12:11 PM
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It's the Culture

People use credit to acquire things that they cannot afford and some of them walk away from their promise to repay.

People bring child after child into the world without a thought about the emotional or financial ability to care for these children.

People walk away from their family obligations because it's no longer convenient.

People consume more calories than they burn and their health problems become a burden for society to bear.

People smoke cigarettes despite knowing it will eventually cut short their life.

People lie, cheat and steal every day. Insurance fraud is the #1 non violent crime in the world. Tax fraud follows.

People with money to invest expect an immediate and substantial return on their investment which compels businesses and banks to live for today and the hell-o with tomorrow.

And then there are those who consume the most addictive substances known to mankind to feel better or feel nothing and no doubt most believe/beleived they could control it.

So few people take responsibility for themselves or the impact that their choices have on everyone.

( I am " fluffy" and a lifetime on again/off again smoker and am not casting stones, at anyone)
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Old 03-03-2009, 03:03 PM
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, ( K1a2t3h4r5y6n7) said: " i did 98 percent of the cleaning. but, every now and then, when he would help me clean (vacuum, dishes, laundry, bathroom, whatever), i could pretty much bet on what he would say after it was all said and done with: "i think that is the cleanest that room has ever been."

he didn't say it in a mean way, just like he honestly, truly believed that his hard work was in some way different from the hard work that i performed several times a week.

but i've had to refrain myself from smacking him quite a few times when i said "it looks the same freaking way it looked last week you just didnt notice it because you didn't do it."[/QUOTE]


LOL- HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love to hear that i'm not the only one......

Sun. he went grocery shopping for the FIRST TIME EVER IN HIS LIFE!!!..... (HE'S 46) lol.

I got 2 calls yesterday, about what a great job he did- (FROM HIM!!)
More than that- the fridge was opened for me to see- when I got home, with "babe- look, didn't I do good??"

For the love of god- how many times do you need a golf clapp for doing what NORMAL adults do... (namely ME!)

I'm truly convinced- that it's NOT the drugs- its just the selfish people (the natural personality) of it being a me me me- diesease. The drugs really do get too much credit, (my opinion!)

Thanks for the responses......
Cessy

Last edited by cessy68; 03-03-2009 at 03:05 PM. Reason: my quotes aren't comming out right....
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Old 03-03-2009, 07:24 PM
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Jeez. You guys.......how funny. My ex-AH is EXACTLY the same. Selfish, selfish, selfish, and oh yeah, did I mention selfish??? I am not the only person to feel this way, his whole family finds him selfish as well, and says he has been for most of his life.

His mother is also an addict, so the cycle there is being repeated as well.

The choice (and I might get in some trouble here b/c I'm one of the few who believe that it was their choice to continue with the addiction, and while yes it is a disease, I also think that it was a choice to carry it to an extreme...) that my ex-AH made to take drugs even though he had children looking up to him and what not, yes, that was selfish. We all are capable of being selfish to some degree or another at times. But I think that yes, drug use creates a vacuum in people that makes them get sucked into the mentality of drug life, and getting it, and fixating on it, and "needing" it, etc etc.....they no longer see anything from anyone else's point of view but their own.

My question is, obviously we wouldn't all date jerks if they presented themselves as such up front, so was the whole nice man act that I dated before the addiction really kicked in, the person who was so kind and caring and giving...was that all an act? I'm starting to believe it was.

I think there are several tale-tell signs that people should watch out for drug addict behavior, even in the beginning.....they usually rush into falling in love and marriage, and want to move in soon, etc etc....it can all seem like a whirlwind romance but in a real healthy relationship, love takes time and friendship and the relationship grows on a mature level.

I think fundamentally addicts are immature, and this is partially why they are selfish, b/c they are functioning on a basic immature level. This is my personal opinion.
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Old 03-03-2009, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by racaple78 View Post

I think fundamentally addicts are immature, and this is partially why they are selfish, b/c they are functioning on a basic immature level. This is my personal opinion.
You said this so much better than I, and with substantially fewer words, too.

Failure to take responsibility for ourself and obligations and instead, seeking instant gratification, is immaturity.
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:05 PM
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I have to agree with the thoughts posted above. I always say what separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls, is personal accountability.
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