Looking for some advice/help
 

My boyfriend is 46 and I am 45.

We've been seriously dating for 3 years and yes, I knew he was an addict a week into the relationship. I should have ran far and fast then but I didn't. He is a wonderful man. Goes to church (yup) donates his time, and will basically give you the shirt off his back.

We share so many things in common it incredible.

We don't really argue, don't fight, we have loads of fun together, sex life is great.

It's all great, except for.....the crack.


When I first met him he appeared to be using occasionally, like every 3 months or so and yes, I experiemented with him a few times in the beginning. I didnt know......it seemed like fun but after the second time the powerful need for it scared me and I stayed away and I thought he wasn't doing it as often.

He would go to meetings, hell, he's even completed the 12 step program.

He bounces back and forth.

His mother knows of his addiction and sadly enough she enables him.

Don't get me wrong, he is a hard worker, pretty much holds down a job, but he knows if he can't pay his bills his mom will. Actually she does. She pretty much buys him and gives him whatever he needs. I think this is because she feels guilty? I know he makes her feel guilty .

She told me yesterday that he pretty much tells her everytime he uses? She also told him yesterday to not come crying to him when I left this time for good.

Yes....I've left him once before when he chose crack over me.

For the last 6 months or so I've noticed a progressing change in him.

and lastnight I pretty much confronted him about his using (no arguing just sad quiet talking) he told me he's been using alot more often like every 3 weeks and has been keeping me from it because he does not want to hurt me. says he loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me.

I asked him to pick one, me or the drugs.........yea how stupid was that?

So he pretty much gave me the story of he's an addict, he will always be an addict, thats how his brain functions and he doesn't understand why his occasional use would even bother me?

I told him it's not the occasion use (which is now not occasional) that bothers me, it's the not caring ....

He can go for weeks/months and not use and then he'll schedule a day.....and thats it, no stopping him, even if it's scheduled weeks away.

He did tell me lastnight that he would try to go as long as he could but that was when I was getting ready to leave so I felt like he was just saying something to say it. It's like he turns into a small child that doesn't want his toy taken away and will promise anything to get it back.

He seems really selfish when it comes to crack. That nobody understands and why can't we just let him alone because he is not hurting anyone. He also understands that he will be alone and he says thats fine, he is used to it.

I took every picture he had of us in his house (which was lots) and took them.

I took our photo album that was on his coffee table.

Basically I erased myself from his home.


I guess I thought I was going to make him understand and feel the consequences because no one else ever has.

I know that was not the correct thing to do......it was pretty childish of me but the hurt I was feeling is so overwhelming.....

Now that I've done that.......what do I do?

I talked to his mother in Church yesterday for 30 minutes.....she is so sad as am I, but I can't keep enabling him by ignoring it.

And to be serious...he has me almost convinced that I can ignore this and it is no big deal because he doesn't "use" that often. That I should just shut up and ignore it because the other 50 weeks out of the year are great.

I don't want to backslide and run back over there because I miss him so much but neither do I want to lose him.


I think he is worth saving, WE are worth saving but I know I can't be the only one doing the saving and that breaks my heart.


Any suggestions on where I go from here will be greatly appreciated.

Sigh
:praying

((Josette))

Welcome!! I'm a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). I was much worse on the crack than he is...it was my entire life.

That being said, he's already made his choice...he doesn't see anything wrong with his "occasional" use, and you've already said it's gotten more than "occasional". With crack, it will probably get even more frequent. Are you prepared for that?

As Anvil pointed out above, he really has no incentive to change. He's got an enabling system in place (his mom), and he's hoping he still has you.

I didn't find recovery until I was forced to face consequences of my using, and they were pretty harsh. My family loved me...they told me, from the other side of the jail cell bars, where they let me stay.

Keep reading and posting..there's a ton of support and info here.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

This great guy has no reason to fight the fight. He has you and mom taking care of business. That's OK, if it's OK with you.

There is an older but active thread on this forum " My husband died".
No doubt, this woman's husband started out, just like your guy did. Addiction is progressive. The outcome is either prison or death.

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you most certainly cannot cure this. What you can do is decide if you want to live this way, knowing, really knowing, that crack will never accept 2nd place. That place is reserved for you.

Hello & welcome!
I am glad you have found this site. I had to smile (in an understanding kinda way!) when I read your story- you sound like me! :)
I removed every trace of me from our home 2 years ago-every picture etc when my abf had a crack relapse. He quickly sorted himself out, so we got back tog.
he was okay for 2years-
but recently he relapsed....you just never know with an addict....I've left again-I couldn't watch him destroy himself. I got a text from him-'I am sitting in an empty home with nothing, you have taken our babies (dogs), where is all your stuff?'
...he is now detoxed...&working on recovery

What will happen next? Will this continue every couple of years? Do I keep on having to remove every trace of me in our home?
Soo many questions!

Thankfully I have found SR, like myself I am sure you will gain a wealth of knowledge about addiction and be able to make the right decision.

I am sorry you are going through this....you sound strong and its good you recognise that you will not continue to enable him.
Keep on reading here!
Hugs

Welcome Josette,
Sorry for the he&& you are going through. We all know what addiction is like. I am sure your boyfriend is using more then he is telling you and mommy. Having a son addicted to drugs, I can tell you first hand it will not get better, it must get worst first and there is a chance it will never get better. Only he can change this, nothing you do or say will change him. I am the same age as you are and seeing what I have in my son I can honestly say I would get the heck out and away from him. I know easier said then done, but read some of what the girls on here have gone through with their husbands and you just might change your mind. I don't care how nice or wonderful your relationship was, it is not going to be that way with an active addiction and he has pretty much made it clear he is not changing.........so you need to work on you. Do you deserve better then an addict? Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? It will get worse and worse there will be nights he will stay out all night, nights he passes out, you will not be able to count on him like you should be able to count on the person you love, really is this the way you want to live? You can NOT control his life, but you can control your.....(((hugs))))

honey, he is worth saving but you can not save him. all you can do is save yourself. he does not want to b saved. keep coming back. this program works if you work it. you are worth saving. hugs & prayers,

Thank you for your reply.

I'm feeling a bit lost right now.....like I've lost my best friend, but I suppose I didn't have him to begin with.

I'm second guessing myself for having given him an ultimatum....but I didn't really say I was never coming back

I said I would be here....all I needed was him to tell me he wanted to quit and put some effort towards it.

Thats it.

I guess deep down I know he will never change because there is no reason for him to do so.....his mom, bless her unknowing heart, has made it very easy for him not to.

Now the problem is going to be me being strong enough to not give in and go back to him simply because I miss him and to not tell myself that him doing it every 3 months isn't that bad.....

already the mind chatter begins...

It sucks knowing your not even worth an effort...

I know....

suck it up and be a big girl things could be worse....

but this hurts..

I want to help him, not lose him
and I know it's not up to me...

The hardest thing for me to learn was that it was NEVER about me, our kids, our relationship or anything else. ITS ABOUT THE DRUGS.

I too wanted to save my family and get him into recovery and live happily ever after. Sadly, even after rehab, he AGAIN choose the drugs. Thats what addicts do. And like Anvil said sometimes right up until they take their last breath.

For many months after I kicked my abf out he was like the bug lite outside in the summer and I was like the gnat that kept flying into the light and getting ZAPPED. I just kept thinking that he needed me and that we could work this out. That is when it became real apparent that there was nothing to work out for US there was nothing to hold onto because US became THEM. Him and his DOC.

Am I sad, yes, I mourn the loss but I also know its not about me. And if its not about me then its not my fault and if its not my fault there is NOTHING I can do about it.

My abf was clean for 90 days and then went right back out there and got back on the pills.

Your bf isnt done yet and may well NEVER be done. THe question is for you are you willing to go down this road for maybe nothing in return?

Thank you all for your replies and wonderful support, it is greatly appreciated.

Sophia, thank you for sharing with me....It somehow makes me feel not so stupid for taking all the special memories out of his house. I feel like he doesn't deserve them nor should he actually want to have them lying around reminding him of all the great times we shared together.

That probably seems a bit dramatic but he doesn't have to hide me, he loves to show me off, so he should replace our pictures with his little home made crack pipe. I know that sounds very bitchy of me, hurt people hurt people, and yes, I wanted him to feel the pain of his choice.

MyJoey, thank you for your welcome and guess what? He's my Joey too.

I'm not sure I am going to jump ship just at this moment...I've did alot of praying for guidance as to what needs to be done. 2 nights ago we lay in the bed, his hand was on top of mine and he was sound asleep...I prayed for quite awhile for God to help him and help me make a decision and stand by it. God led me to take my stuff and leave, but I did not leave mad nor did I leave on the spur of the moment. It was an all day thing.

Do I deserve a life better than this? Of course I do and so does everyone else.

I gave him a choice......one I may not win, but then again, I did not ask him to totally quit, I just asked him to attempt to go longer than he was....and or NOT make a date with his pipe ahead of time.

Anvilhead...or shall I bow and call you Ms. Cheesehead :) your story gives me hope. I know this is going to be hard and I know I am not done crying, but I also know I'm not a quitter and now doesn't seem the time for me to quit, it seems the time for me to be firm.

Hahaha...Yea, he tried to convince me that it would be really cool if I did it with him ( remember I did do it a few times a couple of years ago ) that I liked it then and it would be sooo much better

What I want to know is how to go about things from here.

I do not want to give up on him just yet......

He has come a very long way since he first smoked 10 years ago.....but he has not totally quit. I don't think there has been a good reason ( in his mind ) for him to. I'm know I'm not going to be a good reason either......i wish I was but I know better....so what do I do now?

Do I go no contact on him?

Is this it? Do I just go about my life as if he was never a part of it and hope he decides to pick the phone up and call me oneday?

Should I keep in contact with his mother and see if we can work together?

We both attend the same Church, have for several years now....do I go and sit elsewhere or would it be wrong to still sit with him and his parents? I know they love me and wish he'd change his ways but I don't think his Mom quite understands everything.

So where exactly do I go from here?

I've been reading and printing up everything I can find and I know that may not be good enough, but there are several things in my life that I need to take care of so I can put to use this extra time alone for good things.

Sorry if I'm babbling and not writing coherent sentences ... my mind is all over the place.

You all have been great help and tonight I shall try to visit everyone and read up..

((((Josette))))

Welcome!!
It would be so much easier to turn our backs on someone that is living on the streets eating out of garbage cans.

It is easy to over look the problem when the problem is cloaked by a face of someone we love.

My fist date with my H was at church. After a while he was playing music with the church band and doing all kinds of volunteer work. On the outside everything looked so good... For almost 3 years I had no idea that he was using because he hid it so well. Oh every now and then I would get little signals that something wasn't right but he would quickly straighten me out. It wasn't long before i was making all kinds of excuses for him.

I was running everything while he laid back and let me all he had to do was run out to the garage and start smoking crack. I was working all the time to pay for everything I could not understand why as hard as I worked that I was always behind...

I kicked him out several times and let him come back. Now I am moved out of my house sleeping on the couch at my moms while he sleeps in my nice bed in comfort. I know I need to get the guts to tell him to get the hell out of my house. You see he has this way of getting me to feel sorry for him and I fold all the time.

He seemed worth saving after 12 years of trying I am just so full of regret and wish that one of the times I had kicked him out I had stayed strong and gone in another direction.

I thought by now he is 58 years old that he would have changed but he hasn't.

I have changed though I am tired and drained all the time and my once good credit is shot and I look at myself in the mirror and I hardly see me anymore. I am trying to get back up but, it is not easy. I have been out of work for quite sometime now. I am so scared that I am not going to make it out. Don't let this happen to you please...it is not fun

welcome....

The struggle when you leave, is the leaving because you expect it to change his behavior.

It very well many NOT change anything- then you start grappeling with your decision. I have walked that walk many many times.

Someone posted a post called "when will the pain stop"

Perhaps if someone here sees this, they can attatch it to the thread for you to read. It helped me immensly.

WELCOME.... you've found a wonderful place to recieve info, and support.

Love,
Cessy

Originally posted by nytepassion, Ann has it as a sticky in "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" "Classic Reading"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

Are you wondering when the pain stops?

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
__________________

Your right Cessy.....although I do no expect it to change his behavior, I do have some small bit of hope left.

He had the saddest look on his face lastnight.....and he became so affectionate, then kind of scared...remorseful. He ran through the whole gamut.

Grappling? LOL, yup, that would be me.....I've almost convinced myself I made a huge mistake by giving him an ultimatum like I did.

I am going to spend this next week beating myself up, I alread know it. I know I shouldn't but at times the heart will outrule rationality.

From reading these posts and other threads, I feel as if I should be lucky to get out alive, but he never did anything to hurt me, I guess I knew the deal and yet I wanted more.

I should be mad at him but I'm not.

He treated me very well believe it or not.

The only thing he took from me is the chance to have a full relationship with him and that is definately not my choice right?

He never forgets a birthday, an anniversary of any kind, always buys flowers and cute cards or some other sort of special momento

Never asked me for money( I woudn't give it to him if he had of )

Loves to cook!

Supportive

Very smart ( yea yea yea ) not that smart...

Handsome

and the list could go on if I let it, but I won't.....It sounds like I am now trying to justify his actions or make excuses, I'm not.....I'm just talking it out. Trying to understand how someone who seems so......ok, really isn't?

Someone told me it's like emotional novacaine, the drugs...

I don't understand what he's trying to numb up, because he seems happy and has lots of fun when he is not high.

He is worse the 2 days after when the guilt sets in.

Thank you for listening and letting me process this crappy situation.

I am so impressed with everyone here and the many obstacles that have been overcome.

I know I can overcome this one to.

It just hurts like hell right now

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anvilhead (Post 2132337)

what is there for you to QUIT? he's the crack addict, you either choose to be a part of that or not. you've had three years of practice to decide if this is working out for YOU or not. 3 years of dangling yourself out there like a carrot, trying to coax him to quit, or cut back, etc. and in those 3 years he has steadfastly clung to his addiction, defended it, treasured and coddled it. it's not time for HIM to QUIT.

firm we can work with. start reading up on BOUNDARIES, what they are, how they work, and what some good suggested boundaries might be. and keep in mind that boundaries are about US what we will accept and how we will react if our boundaries are not respected. boundaries have NO CONTROL over anyone else but us. we also need to be able to enforce our boundaries. so if one of my boundaries was:

I will not associate with people who are doing drugs. Therefore if i suspect you are high or under the influence, I will remove myself from your presence. Do not attempt to contact me when you are under the influence. If you do call, I will not answer.

notice that boundary does not attempt the CHANGE the other person's behavior, instead concentrates solely on my own conduct.

take a good long moment and assess exactly what you've gotten out of the last three years. do you have a partner? a friend? someone you can rely on at ALL TIMES? some one who is clear headed and able to freely give of themselves to you, without any self induced impediments? i'm guessing you kinda got short changed a bit, by virtue of your removing your stuff and taking leave of this man. all we have to count upon is TODAY. so it THIS good enough for you?

---

THANK YOU ANVILL- I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS TODAY! I need to hear this every day!!

Josette, your guy sounds like mine, it is easy to justify the situation in your head and want to go back and put up with it. Keep on reading! Reading SR helps me realise thats I can't go back until I see some long term positive action from my abf.
Hugs
x

Yes it is easier to justify it all in your head, but something worthwhile is never easy.

<big sigh>

He is a good saleman. He knows just what to say and when to say it in order to keep the peace and his life from changing. He likes it just the way it is with everyone not saying a word to him about using and he goes about his merry way as if he were a teenager and not a care in the world.

Is this what I want? No, not at all.

Do I enjoy the time I spend with him? Absolutely

Did I want it to go further? Yup...

Does he? He did, when I didn't. Then when I did it scared him because he knew it would cut into his scheduled events and would be a problem causer for him.

I was/am the diversion that kept him occupied and not using more often and nothing more. If that never changes I will always feel 2nd or last in line. That will be a hurt that lasts much longer than the hurt of letting go today.

He wants the cake, icing, pan, oil, eggs, oven, flour and whatever else involved in eating cake.


"all we have to count upon is TODAY. so it THIS good enough for you"?

Today is good enough for me, but it's not good enough when he does not think there is a problem and will not even recognize it or say the words that I wanted to hear....that held conviction instead of denial.

I'm just going to take care of things I have been neglecting for quite some time and drop the bananas for awhile, they are getting very heavy!!

Oh and you guys on here with all your wonderful wisdom and support
:You_Rock_

Awhhh shucks, I love it!!

Bake my own cake huh? God knows I love my cake thats for sure!!

I'm not one for doing things on my own...but I spose it will mean more cake for me??? LOL

Well it's only been two days and he sent a text. It didn't say much, just a simply "Hi boo".

Wonder why my heart does that little flutter?

Anyway, I spent the next hour here at work trying to keep myself totally busy and found myself going outside to play with the littler children (I work in a school) and that helped. I love the kids and have watched many of them grow from 18 months old until they graduated the 8th grade.

It's very rewarding.

So now I've found myself back here pouring through more of the resources and posts from others trying to calm the anxiety and yes, this site is fantastic.

I've already made several plans for the weekend to keep my mind occupied and not tempt myself to contact him.

I know I am not going to be silent forever but for right now I don't know what I would even say to him that I have not already said, nor do I want to be convinced everything is okiedokie.

I am wondering though, if it would make a difference at all to copy/paste and email him some of the wonderful topics in the stickies up above? or email the codependcy infor to his mother?

He spoke to my son yesterdy....my son got the impression that he feels if he lets me calm down for a few days things will go back to the way they were.

No, the will not go back the way it was.

I do not believe in "going back", I believe in going forward towards something better......but never going back to the way it was.

tic toc tic toc

I'm ready for summer!

Hugs,