Looking for some advice/help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 29
Hello,
I've not posted here in a very long time. Just over a year. This has been the most painful, hurtful, just want to die year without a doubt, that I have ever had.
First a little about me....somewhere in the last 1.5 years I started taking wellbutrin for depression, turns out I am one of the 30% or so that have horrible adverse reactions. Spiraled into a living hell. The mood swings were the worse. Going from feeling ok to sitting in my car, bed, couch, work, anywhere and crying like ...like...i can't even explain it right. Literally felt like I had nothing and life wasn't worth living anymore. Paranoia, racing thoughts, anger , confusion...hell, who wouldn't want to die? My body cannot handle it at all.
Please bare with me as I try to put my thoughts into words. The wellbutrin and another "coping" drug has left me somewhat brain dead. The doctor said it will take at the minimum several weeks to a month (if not more) to get my emotions back in line. I need to FEEL happy again.
Now onto my abf. the guy I loved so much.....it's all so hard to explain. I'm not sure if some of this is my fault or not anymore. Because of the mood swings and almost constant unhapiness I don't know if I drove him to using more or what? I feel like it's all my fault now. Even worse, I feel like I'm not good enough for him? But wait...it gets worse. I had 2 serious car accidents within 2 years, underwent 2 sets of spinal shots and dabbled in pain pills. Mostly just vicodin. The Drs would prescribe them and I would take them. They really seemed to help me feel "happy".
So here comes my abf with an injured back, they gave him oxycodone, he gave them to me and you can gues how the rest went. He started going to a pain management clinic and selling them to his best friend of 27 years who also uses them, crack, alcohol and whatever....my abf, in my opinioni, idolizes this guy....hahaha, he idolizes him so much so that last night when I was sitting in my car leaving him to his "date night" that he happily laughed and told me how much he loved those people, that they were his kind of people. Wait....he's also told me on several occasions that they don't come around him, they never come to his house, it's only when they want something. So I think deep down inside that he knows they pretty much use him ...you know how I felt? Like ****. Apparently he has been talking to them about me and my emotional problems. Told them (his best friend and wife who both use oxies and smoke crack) that I didn't like it and I was always nagging him and it really hurt my feelings. WHY? Oh....get this, since he knows that I likeED taking opiates he would leave a few our here and there for me to take...it got the point that I didn't want to do them anymore (too late, totally addicted) and I asked him to please stop giving them to me...but no.
Anyway he is worse than ever. He went from smoking crack monthly, to semi-monthly, to weekly and now it's every 4 days. He is a plumber and can make upwards of 500 + dollars a day and even though he will pay most of his bills, he makes sure he has enough to get high. Now he's popping oxies. He makes these comments that he likes to experiement and see how much he can do? I don't get it???
A few days after Christmas he wanted to experiement and cook the crack himself. I remember him calling me and begging me to come help him he was so sick...
Fast forward to right now....he is at home sleeping it off I'm sure. When I left his house last night, once again devastated, he was popping little blue pills, mixing drinks and waiting for his true love to arrive(crack). You know, he asked me what was WRONG WITH ME, why I could never be happy, why couldn't I just sit back and have a drink with him before I went home and it made sense to me, only because I haven't been happy in so long I was feeling like it surely must be me right? I mean, I am such a fun crusher I can't stand to be around myself half the time. I feel so resentful that he's able to live life and have fun, like he hasn't a care in the world. His mom still pays the bills so he never has to worry about a place to live. His mom gives him money every 2 weeks so he never has to worry about food, paying the utiity bills, he doesn't have any responsibilites in life other than where is he going to get his next 300 bucks to get high. oh oh...wait, now we are going to add where is he going to get the money to buy the blue pills, which he's also trying to get me to go get as well.
He says he loves me, he has stuck by me through all my mental issues (which I pray to God will go away when the wellbutrin is completely out of my system) He tells me that any woman would be happy to have a man that loves her, gives her good sex, buys her presents, helps her with day to day life....and I believe him.
Everthing has turned into one big giant nightmare.
He is no longer the person I once knew and loved and i am nowhere near the fun happy person I knew and once loved.
Oh, another thing (hey it's been a year since I posted and so much has happened) I did email his mom again last week. told her everything from the weekly habit to the popping pills. From what I gather from him she wasn't very happy with my email. Although he did tell me that he spoke to her the other day and she told him to slow it down so he was gonna give it a try, but less that two days later he was doing it again.
Oh God.......I read back my old posts to this one. I have changed so much I hardly recognize my words. Is it possible due to his addiction that he wanted me to become addicted to something so I would stay with him? So I would feel worthless and unloved and he would be my hero?
The post about how to get rid of the pain ...so true
All I know is once upon a time, long long ago, I loved this man. He, to his ability, loved me. We had a great few years. Now I believe that neither one of us like the other, we only tolerate each others presence for company. ....but then again, I really don't know anything anymore
I've not posted here in a very long time. Just over a year. This has been the most painful, hurtful, just want to die year without a doubt, that I have ever had.
First a little about me....somewhere in the last 1.5 years I started taking wellbutrin for depression, turns out I am one of the 30% or so that have horrible adverse reactions. Spiraled into a living hell. The mood swings were the worse. Going from feeling ok to sitting in my car, bed, couch, work, anywhere and crying like ...like...i can't even explain it right. Literally felt like I had nothing and life wasn't worth living anymore. Paranoia, racing thoughts, anger , confusion...hell, who wouldn't want to die? My body cannot handle it at all.
Please bare with me as I try to put my thoughts into words. The wellbutrin and another "coping" drug has left me somewhat brain dead. The doctor said it will take at the minimum several weeks to a month (if not more) to get my emotions back in line. I need to FEEL happy again.
Now onto my abf. the guy I loved so much.....it's all so hard to explain. I'm not sure if some of this is my fault or not anymore. Because of the mood swings and almost constant unhapiness I don't know if I drove him to using more or what? I feel like it's all my fault now. Even worse, I feel like I'm not good enough for him? But wait...it gets worse. I had 2 serious car accidents within 2 years, underwent 2 sets of spinal shots and dabbled in pain pills. Mostly just vicodin. The Drs would prescribe them and I would take them. They really seemed to help me feel "happy".
So here comes my abf with an injured back, they gave him oxycodone, he gave them to me and you can gues how the rest went. He started going to a pain management clinic and selling them to his best friend of 27 years who also uses them, crack, alcohol and whatever....my abf, in my opinioni, idolizes this guy....hahaha, he idolizes him so much so that last night when I was sitting in my car leaving him to his "date night" that he happily laughed and told me how much he loved those people, that they were his kind of people. Wait....he's also told me on several occasions that they don't come around him, they never come to his house, it's only when they want something. So I think deep down inside that he knows they pretty much use him ...you know how I felt? Like ****. Apparently he has been talking to them about me and my emotional problems. Told them (his best friend and wife who both use oxies and smoke crack) that I didn't like it and I was always nagging him and it really hurt my feelings. WHY? Oh....get this, since he knows that I likeED taking opiates he would leave a few our here and there for me to take...it got the point that I didn't want to do them anymore (too late, totally addicted) and I asked him to please stop giving them to me...but no.
Anyway he is worse than ever. He went from smoking crack monthly, to semi-monthly, to weekly and now it's every 4 days. He is a plumber and can make upwards of 500 + dollars a day and even though he will pay most of his bills, he makes sure he has enough to get high. Now he's popping oxies. He makes these comments that he likes to experiement and see how much he can do? I don't get it???
A few days after Christmas he wanted to experiement and cook the crack himself. I remember him calling me and begging me to come help him he was so sick...
Fast forward to right now....he is at home sleeping it off I'm sure. When I left his house last night, once again devastated, he was popping little blue pills, mixing drinks and waiting for his true love to arrive(crack). You know, he asked me what was WRONG WITH ME, why I could never be happy, why couldn't I just sit back and have a drink with him before I went home and it made sense to me, only because I haven't been happy in so long I was feeling like it surely must be me right? I mean, I am such a fun crusher I can't stand to be around myself half the time. I feel so resentful that he's able to live life and have fun, like he hasn't a care in the world. His mom still pays the bills so he never has to worry about a place to live. His mom gives him money every 2 weeks so he never has to worry about food, paying the utiity bills, he doesn't have any responsibilites in life other than where is he going to get his next 300 bucks to get high. oh oh...wait, now we are going to add where is he going to get the money to buy the blue pills, which he's also trying to get me to go get as well.
He says he loves me, he has stuck by me through all my mental issues (which I pray to God will go away when the wellbutrin is completely out of my system) He tells me that any woman would be happy to have a man that loves her, gives her good sex, buys her presents, helps her with day to day life....and I believe him.
Everthing has turned into one big giant nightmare.
He is no longer the person I once knew and loved and i am nowhere near the fun happy person I knew and once loved.
Oh, another thing (hey it's been a year since I posted and so much has happened) I did email his mom again last week. told her everything from the weekly habit to the popping pills. From what I gather from him she wasn't very happy with my email. Although he did tell me that he spoke to her the other day and she told him to slow it down so he was gonna give it a try, but less that two days later he was doing it again.
Oh God.......I read back my old posts to this one. I have changed so much I hardly recognize my words. Is it possible due to his addiction that he wanted me to become addicted to something so I would stay with him? So I would feel worthless and unloved and he would be my hero?
The post about how to get rid of the pain ...so true
All I know is once upon a time, long long ago, I loved this man. He, to his ability, loved me. We had a great few years. Now I believe that neither one of us like the other, we only tolerate each others presence for company. ....but then again, I really don't know anything anymore
Your story sounds much like my own. I was introduced to opiates after some surgeries, then hooked up with an addict b/f, and he encouraged me to get more. I was soon off to the races with my own problem, too. I strongly urge you to get to an NA meeting for yourself. Pain pills are roughly the same as heroin. Just as addictive. Just as hard to get off. If you are thinking of them as "happy pills" even if you don't yet have a physical addiction, you need help. The 12 steps would do you good. So would a supportive network. So, check out an NA meeting? what do you have to lose, after all, except your misery? Feel free to PM me with any questions you may have.
Life is so much better since I ditched my addict and got into my own recovery!!!
Love,
KJ
Life is so much better since I ditched my addict and got into my own recovery!!!
Love,
KJ
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