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Old 03-03-2009, 06:17 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi MrsMagoo !

Thank you so much for dropping by, I was happy to read that things are hopefully on the right track for you and yours. Awesome!!

I've read so many tragic things on here that I'm losing hope. I've probably already lost hope and just don't want to admit to it yet.

The bad thing about ultimatums is you have to stick to them or they don't mean a thing......you end up looking as worse as they do and probably feel the pain more because at least your looking at the situation with a bit of clarity.

I know it's only been a few days but already the lonlieness is creeping in. It's weird not calling him or him calling/texting me throughout the day talking about work, the dogs, the news.....day to day stuff.

I miss the friend I thought I had

I am going to suck at detaching...

Then my mind starts to wonder if he is missing me or feels rejected like I do. I wonder if he's as sad as I am. I wonder if he even thinks about going back to the meetings and staying clean for months like he used to? and hopes that oneday he could make the 1 year mark and beyond? I wonder if he has even thought about what I said to him on Sunday....I wonder if he truly knows the wonderful life he is giving up.

I know I should stop wondering.

I know what I am giving up in hopes that makes some sort of affect on his life whether it be with me or without me...

I know I would feel like a pathetic loser to go back to him without him even attempting to stop, to admit that he needs the help and to start the program to recovery.

His parents would think I'm a pathetic loser and I'm not, I just care about thier pathetic loser thats all.

The evenings are the worse and theres only so much on can do to keep thier mind occupied and only so many hours a day you can sleep. I realize it's not always going to be like this, but for now it is...

I would love to say I wish I had never met him, but I'm sure there was a reason God brough him into my life when he did, just wish I knew what the hell it was!?

Onward and forward tomorrow.

Thank you all so much for the support, oneday when I survive this speedbump of life I hope to give back.
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Old 03-03-2009, 07:45 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I think we all have wondered why our HP has brought this person into our lives.
We look around and see women who are with partners who have never smoked crack, spent time with whores, bought drugs off the streets, back alleys, seedy bars or hotels, spent time with people who live in filth, picking up bits of carpet fluff thinking that maybe a bit of rock fell down. That is the reality of the real life they live and I don't care what they say or what they lie about to the contrary.

This is reality, their reality and one may want to second guess themselves if they think that no mine isn't that way, mine wouldn't do that, mine is different.
I live in a small town with a huge drug problem. I know a lot of people with a crack problem and I am not lying to you when I say they are a carbon copy of each other. No one became successful, no one has a strong and loving family relationship, no one is honest, forth right, or has any amount of integrity, not when it comes to money, and their drug.

I have to live with knowing that my ex has ruined lives with turning then on to crack, and yes I know that they were willing participants, but I also know what a manipulator he is. He could sell the fuzz of a peach, just to get what he wants. Your husband has allowed you to only see the tip of the iceberg.

Believe me when I say, it probably is a lot worse in his reality. They just don't like to share it with people they need.

Please keep reading. Hang in there for yourself. The crack problem only gets worse, not better as much as we want to believe!
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Old 03-04-2009, 04:39 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Josette
I would love to say I wish I had never met him, but I'm sure there was a reason God brough him into my life when he did, just wish I knew what the hell it was!?
I am going to take up for God here and ask why you think God wanted you to feel miserable? God doesn't take us to hell ....but I know who does.
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Old 03-04-2009, 07:00 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I know God doesnt want us to feel miserable, thats a choice we as individuals make.

I was talking more along the lines of :

Perhaps I met him and kept my eyes closed to what was going on around me because I wasn't ready to see yet?

He was my safe place.

He was my shelter from reality.

He isn't perfect and neither am I so I felt safe that I could be myself and not be judged for my imperfections and in return I would not judge him for his.

I met him in them midst of an ugly divorce. My xH was captured by aliens of another kind. Mid Life Crisis. I never knew what hit me until I educated myself on that.....but he had already done the damage to me. But thats another story....

My abf never took me to hell. Like I said before, he is not that bad of a guy to me and yes, I hate to put that down in words simply because it looks as if I am justifying him and I'm not, I'm just trying to put together some pieces of the puzzle I was missing from keeping my head buried in the sand.

It's hard for me to explain in words.....but he doesn't fit the typical crackhead scenario, at least not that i've been privvy to see for the last 3 years. Don't get me wrong, he does fit alot of it, but not the darker parts. Perhaps prior to my meeting him when he was at a lower point in life yes, but not now.

There are two things I can make a positive statement about.

I am definately a Co-Dependant person.

I read the sticky about that and wanted to cry. How in the world did I let this happen to me? I already know that answer...it was the divorce, but whatever it was, I can see me in everything that was written about a co-dependant person.

First thing I have to do is work on me and getting off that CD train. Ugh. That alone will help me with dealing with the abf.

Not sure as of yet how to go about seeking help on co-dependancy, perhaps Individual Counseling?? Read read read on it and of course I am going to print up all the steps involved.

My son 27, thinks I am the strongest woman he has ever met. If only he knew how far down mentally I have sunk, how much I long for someone to help me vs me doing everything seemingly alone.

The other thing I can say a big definate oh hell yes to...

King Baby Syndrome.

My adf has perfected the King Baby Syndrome to a T and now it all makes sense. All those questions I had in my head....hell, all the ones I would ask or say to him.....like, ohmyGod your the biggest baby i've ever seen, or your such a mama's boy, or how can you be so selfish when you know your mom is doing everything she can......I SEE IT! and what a hypchondriac!! His mother is a LPN and one would THINK she could see the signs....love is blind.

My enabling of him wasn't quite like that. I have never paid for anything fully. We split dinners/groceries/gas/activites. When he acts childish I usually walk away and ignore him. I thought it was just him being well....a man? SOORY GUYS! and you know what......I was being selfish also because I enjoyed doing things with him, so perhaps I would overlook the shortcomings to also get my way and have someone whom I liked spending time with.

I am still processing this all so bare with me and please don't be offended at what I say......I talk things out like this.

Wow, I am still floored at the Co-Dependant article...

and King Baby just sent me a picture text of himself.....all smiling and going to work. :wtf2

I'm really going to have to tape my fingers closed so I don't send him a text back saying King Baby Syndrome. I know he will understand exactly what it means and then he will know that I am powering myself up with knowledge concerning him.

So quiet I will be and work on myself I shall do.
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Old 03-04-2009, 09:20 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=jan123;2134319]I think we all have wondered why our HP has brought this person into our lives.
We look around and see women who are with partners who have never smoked crack, spent time with whores, bought drugs off the streets, back alleys, seedy bars or hotels, spent time with people who live in filth, picking up bits of carpet fluff thinking that maybe a bit of rock fell down. That is the reality of the real life they live and I don't care what they say or what they lie about to the contrary.

Ohh- reading this post about the carpet fluff brings back many memories-WHy didn't the alarm bells ring loud & clear when my abf used to do this?-at how awful addiction is?? bits of dust, carpet fluff-anything that was 'white coloured' off the floor and pack it into the pipe...

another time I threw a rock out the door into our field....I then watched him for an hour and a half crawl around in the deep snow looking for it (he didn't find it!)...it is soo sad.I HATE ADDICTION!

...reading that back over-what a waste of my time-bothering to watch him!? (sigh!)

(sorry to detract from the original post)
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Old 03-04-2009, 10:12 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I know I would feel like a pathetic loser to go back to him without him even attempting to stop, to admit that he needs the help and to start the program to recovery.
Hi Josette. Welcome to the site. Stand by your convictions and what is important to you. Crack addicts have to feel some pretty serious consequences before life gets bad enough for them to want to quit. I'm talking SERIOUS consequences. For some that means loss of everything - girlfriend, children, jail, freedom, sanity. It's a divil of a drug when it gets hold of you and it gets worse. Progressively worse. There is no controlling it. It's an all or nothing kind of drug. He may be still functioning... now. But that's only an outward appearance of functioning. Inside his head, inside his heart, crack rules every thought. And no human being on earth can change that.

He's not going to choose you or recovery. The decision is bigger than that. He has to get to a point where it is life or death. And a crack addict has to get real lonely and real desparate to get to that point. The only way family and friends can help is to stopping feeling sorry for the drug user and stop trying to help them. That only makes the addiction stronger because the crack addict knows he still has a place to land. That means he can go out and use one more time - because he hasn't lost everything yet.

I was a crack addict. I can't even remember how many times I said to myself - just one more time or my life isn't THAT bad yet.... I still have family and friends that support me. That was all I needed to convince myself that it was ok to get high again.

Focus on you and what you want out of life. If your BF wasn't smoking crack, that is what he would want for you. No one who truly loves you would ever want you to feel the pain that a crack addict can cause.

God bless and take care of you.

All you have is your self respect. Don't give that up sweetie. Stick with your boundaries. That's all we can control in our lives.
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Old 03-04-2009, 12:33 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I know everything you've said is true, sad, very sad but true.

I'm sure I am not going to be good enough of a loss to be considered a serious consequence, that hurts but I'll figure out how to deal with it. His mother is never going to stop enabling simply because she cannot deal with the pain that will go with...so he will never stop, he will never change and I have to get that through my head or yes, I will end up losing my self respect.

He mentioned him not wanting to hurt me from his using, he goes so far as to say this is it, this is the life of a crack addict.

Then he will turn around and be so loving, caring and thoughtful...

This tells me how he knows exactly what he's doing and doing it by choice.

You would think if one truly loves a person they woud TRY to stop the madness, I would.

The only way he will end up losing is the day he has a heart attack/stroke/or ends up dead.

I wonder why I still feel compassionate towards him, why I miss him and why I know I will keep on missing him when all he probaby will end up doing is really destroying me and my self esteem, which is hardly anything anymore.

This just sucks.

I don't have the "I don't give a sh*t" mentality to just hang out with him during the months that he doesn't use and enjoy the good times.

I want more.

I deserve more.

It would be nice if he would realize that he deserves more than what he's doing to himself and his family.

It's hard to keep my mouth shut and not say anything to him, but I have, and I will.

You guys are great!
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Old 03-04-2009, 01:57 PM
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Josette... you'd be surprised on just what an impact you are making...... you have most likely started a "domino effect". But that doesn't matter to you... and it shouldn't.

You sound like a very strong person. This pain you are feeling is growth and you know that it is yourself that you can only control.

I too didn't enable my guy financially or materially - but what I did do was DISable myself. Which actually hurt me the most. It was me, getting into my own codie recovery - and having the support to detach - that helped the most.

Addiction is progressive and it only gets worse - it doesn't get better on it's own. By you "erasing" yourself out of his life is actually helping him. I felt so selfish being involved with my abf while he was actively using - it pained me to know that I was actually contributing to him killing himself. I too used to think that my leaving wouldn't make a difference - (I had already lost so many times to pills) - so why would I make a difference now? Well - it wasn't until it came to me - that I had to leave because of ME..... not him!

I too write and talk things out to process.

It takes 3 weeks to form a habit. You are nearly a 1/3 of the way there! Your son is right when he says that you abf is going to think you will "get over it". That is how drug addicts think. Something explosive or dramatic happens one day and the next it's as if nothing happened.... and then they wonder why we would hold onto it! It can spin us right round - like a record baby!

I love my guy, but I despise active addiction MORE. When I made the decision to move out of the darkness, I begun to see things more clearly. You are further along than you give yourself credit for. You are not so spiraled in... you will spiral out of this. If you set your mind to it.

Check out this article:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"The addict’s Dilemna, then, comes down in the end to this: what he feels like doing is seldom good for him, while what he doesn’t feel like doing, e.g. stopping his addiction, getting treatment, engaging in healthy behaviors &etc. often is. In most cases of well-established addiction the emphasis has long since switched from the so-called "positive reinforcement" paradigm in which the addictive behavior is primarily motivated by a search for pleasure or good feelings, to a "negative reinforcement" model in which the goal is mainly to avoid the bad feelings that the addict knows are in store if he fails to perform his accustomed hedonic manipulations by means of his substance or process of choice.

Such considerations help to explain the fact, well-known to professionals who deal with individuals suffering from serious addictions, that lasting recovery, when it begins, quite often begins in the context of a crisis of sufficient magnitude to overwhelm the addict’s natural and well-entrenched aversion to recovery by an even greater fear such as the loss of an important relationship, a job, health or freedom(the threat of jail for addiction-related offenses).

It is therefore not at all the case that alcoholics and addicts "have to want to get better" before recovery can commence, much less that they must "want to get better for themselves and not for someone else." For the addict’s double-mindedness makes such "pure" motivation all but impossible for the vast majority of addicts. Luckily for the addict, recovery is just as likely, perhaps even more likely if he is in effect marched at bayonet point in the direction of behaviors that are good for him and which he would therefore, owing to his addictive hedonic disorientation, normally avoid like the plague if only he were not afraid that by so doing he would incur an even more unpleasant consequence. For it is one of the many curious paradoxes of addiction and recovery that genuine and sincere motivation for recovery is a result of and not a prerequisite for recovery."
The Addict's Dilemna
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Old 03-05-2009, 07:10 AM
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Josette... you'd be surprised on just what an impact you are making...... you have most likely started a "domino effect". But that doesn't matter to you... and it shouldn't.

Thank you so much for saying that......I've read read and read some more just how much detaching and letting the abf figure this out on his own is the only way to do.....yet I always seem to have that nagging feeling that I'll be dropped by the wayside and he'll think I don't want to be around him. Which is true.....sorta, I want to be around him alot, but I think I want him to understand that what he is doing IS NOT healthy for him and IS NOT heatlhy for a relationship. So agian, thank you for pointing that out to me again. I know it should not matter to me.....but tell that to my bleeding heart.

I've read over and over how addiction is a progressive disease.....and well, I know at one time it was much worse.......but he's slowed it down to 4 - 5 times a year......BUT....he's been having some difficulty with work ( it is slow) and I am going to assume that he's got to much free time on his hands....I know that is not an excuse....but I think i just made it one ! =)

"The addict’s Dilemna,

Very useful and very appreciative you included that and the link on Addictions, Lies and relationships.

I have to read those in "bite size chunks" in order to fully absorb them.

It is a process of time......I know I have to bite the bullet here and wait it out to see what happens next. I am getting a bit anxious because the weekend is coming and we've missed only a few weekends together in 3 years.....I think I was off visiting my family.

We've had no real contact other than he's sent a text saying "hi" and of course he sent me a pic/text of him smiling.....yea great, glad your so happy buddy!! and he's been forwarding to me those "God loves you if you send this message to 10 people" emails.....

And what is up with me wishing he would call me???

Part of me is pissed off that he hasnt' and the other part is grateful that he hasn't???

It's the "not knowing".......oh well, I guess I know what I am doing for the weekend so that should count for something right?

Oh, one last thing, while reading alot of posts on this website I find it confuses me at to whether I should run the hell away as fast as I can or be here if he decides to change.....

Then of course I fall back into the pattern of "what I don't know" won't kill me....and stick my head back into the sand.

and then I was thinking......when he told me he had scheduled a using period for 2 weekends from now, that perhaps I shouldn't have gave him that ultimatum but instead stayed and maybe planned something for that weekend with him in case he was looking for help with not doing it.....know what I mean? Kinda like subconsiously saying....I'm telling you what I'm doing so you can talk me out of it?

ugh

Hope everyone has a great Thursday.

J
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Old 03-05-2009, 10:01 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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And here we go...

An email that says,

I love you, I miss you, I choose you...I really really miss you.


I am trying to squelch the emotions that are bubbling up and started to send him back a nice long reply, instead here I am...I think this is a better place to be and it's better for me to reply to myself LOL

I can either accept him as he is and shut the hell up...and we live seperate lives yet together and I go to my own home and do my own thing when he wants to do his..

Or I can keep this no contact up and see what happens...

Yes, I hate the disease.
But I love the addict.

choices choices choices

when will I learn?
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Old 03-05-2009, 12:16 PM
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Anvil is right actions...........but even then sometimes actions dont last long enough
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Old 03-05-2009, 01:45 PM
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I know...

actions speak louder than words.....I can't believe all this sometimes, I really can't.

It's like your almost just as addicted as they are and I don't understand this to safe my life.

It's not the "bad boy" theory, although I do seem to prefer them.....

It could be the "drama" thing.....I read up on that too.

Maybe it's the wanting of something you know you can't have?

I don't know what to do....and when that happens I do nothing but be very still.

I feel so bad knowing if I do go back and even just hang out with him....without the emotional attachment, I will feel bad because it will not be good for him. Someone needs to say what they mean and do what they say.....

For now I'm going to stick to the "break time", not for him, for me....

I know I would cave in if i were to talk to him or see him right now.....and it's to soon.

Jesus....

Does anyone ever make it through this and stay together?????

I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready to let him go just yet...yes, thats a selfish thing to say and I'm sorry for it, but this was not what I signed up for and I need the support I get from him.....I think.

I do have an appointment with a IC next Tuesday

This is too much to handle alone......

Wow....i think I got a little freaked out reading the posts today, and yes, that is a good thing.

So sad...
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Old 03-05-2009, 05:17 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
ACTIONS Josette....while those are nice words, they are just that words, typed......and dare i say, meaningless. except by virtue of the special meaning you choose to attach to them...they act as your triggers.......all he had to do was clatter at the keyboard for a couple seconds...and say what REALLY?

sorry i've become rather jaded in my old age. i need to see a person's DEEDS, their ACTIONS, for they will always tell me their true intent.
Hahaha.....you mind reader you!!

How did you know I"ve read that sentence 47 times today trying to figure out what exactly he was saying.

I came up with lots of different answers, so here's just a few

1. He is a very good salesman and knows just exactly what triggers me.

2. The King Baby Syndrome , he's being a baby now and wants to be coddled and by him saying he loves me, chooses and misses me, well....I'll be there like the good little girl I am (not) and because he knows how I feel about him......whoooooooosh, out the window goes everything else. DAMN

3. He means it, he wants to mean it, but his love for the pipe is stronger, or the fear of not having the piple as his blankie from the reality is stronger. His fear keeps him trapped.

4. He's a selfish ******* and really doesn't give a **** about me, his family, his life, but he needs someone to occupy his time inbetween uses.

5. He loves, misses and chooses me and I'm going to live happily ever after with him.

LOL

Hows that for analyzing his clatter on the keyboard.



So again I come here and vent vs venting to him

disclaimer: I am not saying I am never going to see him or vent to him again, I am simply trying to hold out as long as I can and maybe I can let this run it's course....or, say I do go back, I can stay away longer next time or.....or.....maybe God will smack a lighting bold upon his bald ass head and knock the stupid out of him and some sense into him?

If I can make it through the weekend....
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Old 03-05-2009, 06:43 PM
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Make it through the weekend......... you can do it!

I did the no contact rule so many times...... and what helped me was keeping busy every day..... and MOSTLY on the weekends.

So that is great that you have plans!

Focus on your sensations...... take this time to focus on you. Enjoy yourself... do things that you haven't done on your own for awhile. Pamper yourself.

Yes.. this is much like an addiction. You are detoxing right now.... and going through it. The detox period will start to get better and then you will have a clearer head to make more choices.

Just for today. Think tomorrow you will contact him... and just say that every day!

You are doing a great job!
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Old 03-06-2009, 05:56 PM
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Has anyone heard of Vigabatrin? or know of anyone that tried it for crack cocaine or meth addiction?

I wonder what I used to do without google? =)

I try not to cry over this but I don't seem to have much luck.....it's either I cry it out or I call him and see how he's doing and I said I wasn't going to contact him for awhile.

I did call his mom though and my feelings just sunk further about this. She was telling me that he got hooked on crack in his mid 30's (he is 46) she doesn't know how but knows he used to smoke pot....well, I guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out...

Anyway, according to her he was at his lowest and supposedly hit bottom about 5 years ago when he had pawned everything in his house and using almost everyday.

She picked him back up. She got everything out of the pawn shop and sent him to rehab. At 1 point he made his 1 year mark but that changed to him occasionally using. She has sent him to vocational school, he obtained his pilot license/and instuctors license but shortly thereafter 911 occured and that put him out of business.

According to her she has done everything humanly possible to help him, everything but "let him go". Yes, she knows of enabling but she says that is something she simply cannot do. There is no way she can turn her back on her child. She knows what she is doing is wrong, but she feels so bad for him she can't help herself. She said it's different when it's your child and much harder for you to turn you back on them, although she knew of parents that did that and she felt it only hurt the addict worse. Especially since her son is a "closet" user, doesn't go to crack houses, doesn't binge for days at a time (least not anymore)

I dunno......there were so many excuses and head in the sand. I didn't want to speak up and say much. I kinda felt she needed to get this out and it wasn't the right time for me to step up and offer any different insight.

She said the only thing left she can do is pray, that she prays everyday that God will intervene and step in. However, she also said that the only person that can stop him is him. His choice. She believes that he is not your typical user, he doesn't look the part nor does he act the part. She feels its all "mental" and he can stop if he were to want to. That when he was going to the meetings and following the program he would stay clean.

This woman gives him the world and she has told ...wait, begged him to quit, if nothing else to do it for her because if he were to die from an OD it would kill her too.

She seems to believe it's not that bad anymore, certaintly not as bad as it was 5 years ago.

I think she saw me as some sort of hope or rescue for her and for him. She felt that I would/could be the one that would make him stop if he was happy and had a girlfriend that loved and cared for him and he wasn't alone all the time.

I couldn't help but think......this is why he is alone, that he chooses his pipe over a relationship.

I told her how bad it made me feel that he chose this over me, she knew that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, she knows all the answers because she has researched like I have, yet the one true answer to maybe help him......she cannot and will not do.

I feel so much pain for her plight....I really do, I have a son who's been in some serious trouble years ago and I did for him but not on the same level as she does......I let my son go for 3 years and he came out a man.

My abf is a Journey Plumber and has been wanting to get his General Contractors license but it's very expensive to do that and of course he hasn't saved up enough money....so here is her new plan;

She is going to pay for him to get the license...around 2500.00 to buy the books and materials he will need to study. It is her hope that this will occupy his mind and give him the feeling of being independant and cure him of his addiction.


After 3 years of being with him and coming to love him greatly I know there is no future for us. I am not going to drop out of his life completly at this time that would be too hard to do right now.

I'm not sure what I am going to do.

I am numb.

I'm afraid to see him because he will feel that everything is ok and it's not. I'm afraid not to see him because he will forget about me as long as his mother is there to hold his hand.

I feel used and betrayed.

and even worse

I still care for him
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Old 03-06-2009, 07:32 PM
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Hi and welcome. I miss the night snuggles but I equally love fluffing up six pillows and sleeping in peace and comfort. You see, I know that I am here, what I used to hate was the three to six nights of not being able to sleep because I did not know where he was. Worrying, phoning everyone, yelling at everyone when they were covering up for him, embarrassing myself, and then in one simple minute he shows up, showers and sleeps for a day and a half. Just like nothing ever happened.

What's your problem women? I left because we were having a fight, you won't insure my truck, you told me to go! I just did what you told me! So are you going to make me breakfast or not? So you know when I was out I actually had fun! Yup, I went dancing with two of my female friends, and so what problem do you have with that? Lend me some money because I am broke. Someone stole my wallet. My paycheck is gone. I'll give you back the cash next paycheck.

And on and on the music plays. I felt like a bank, ready to be robbed. A mom, ready to be used. I felt out of control and quite frankly he wasn't worth it. When you give and you get nothing back, you should be done.
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Old 03-07-2009, 07:26 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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To answer 4 of your questions Anvil

No, no, no and no...but thats par for the course right now and I'm accepting it (sorta) and working on it!! Your brain knows what to do, it's getting the rest of you to follow through.

I already know in my heart this is not going to work.

This morning came the onslaught....first he called my house phone, left a long (tired sounding ) message. Ended it with it's time for us to talk.

Then came the cell phone message...pretty much the same.

Then the email....I love you and I miss u and I'm going to try to make up my mind to stop using. Please call soon.

and finally the text message...."Boo, please call me".

I've not responded to any of them as of yet....if/when I do I think my only response will be something like, "I like your words but actions speak louder"? I don't know....I'll wait and see.

The cold spell is over and it's a perfect beach day, so I've loaded up the ipod with a great book and I think I shall go meditate for awhile...and probably tomorrow too!!!


I went through that vicious divorce 4 years ago with the MLC'ing exH, i've learned the art of detachement but it takes me a few weeks to get it out now. I'm still not done with the xH, he is still in the mothership trying to make my life miserable because the grass was not greener on the other side. That took a tremendous toll on my me, my self esteem and fear of rejection. However, it did leave me with determination to always be the greener grass in whatever situation I've been put in.

It's also left me with a bad taste for weakness and a huge inability to trust but that is my fault because I have such high expectations of people and I get let down easily. I can't seem to knock the "ZERO EXPECTATIONS" into my head to save my soul.


I've been humbled, I've hit rock bottom, I've wanted to die. Good thing my personality and so called strength is stronger than I thought it was. I've learned even at my weakest I was strong.

There are many days I wake up in disbelief that this has all happened and now it seems I've went and found someone whom I knew had problems but was working on them, I knew he wasn't perfect and I accepted that but I loved him anyways for his kindness, his love, his adventuresome personality and his (what I thougth) ability to handle life pressures and be OK. I leaned on him throughout the divorce and leaned on him even more so when the legal issues were to much for me to handle.

Perhaps we were both being band-aides to one another, but it was a comfortable, loving band-aide.

I need to gain control back of my life before I can even attempt to be of any good to anyone else. I know this, but the lonliness gets hard.

This is why I've decided to seek counseling, to help me focus on me and get my conrtol back. To remember who I am and where I want to be in life. I have forgotten so many things.

From the divorce experience I find it difficult to just walk away from a person who needs help. Even if I can't be the one to help him, or he says he doesn't need help...I feel that somewhere in those words he speaks is a cry for help, I do. Thats my weakness.

When I was going through the incredibly hard painful times, I prayed to God to send me someone to help me, and in walked the abf.

At this time I can't walk away from him.....people walked away from me when I was at my lowest because they didn't know what to do, they didn't understand how to help me.....according to them I was supposed to buck up and be a big girl even though I had just been abandoned and tossed to the curb.

I am not going to jump back into the relationship, like I said, right now I see zero future with him. But I do love the guy and I wouldn't leave anyone who is hurting and make the pain worse. I'm not going to enable him either. I am going to stick with the plan to work on myself first. Kinda like the "put the oxygen mask on yourself first if the plane is crashing and King Baby last" theory.

If you've read this far, THANK YOU! I find it easier to write down my thoughts, feelings and emotions to help me process through whats next in life.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, peacefull and blessed weekend.

My thoughts are with everyone.
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Old 03-07-2009, 12:19 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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You said: "I asked him to pick one, me or the drugs."
Now its your turn to choose, you or the drugs?

Much love and light!~Cheryl
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Old 03-09-2009, 07:18 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Goodmorning all !!

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and the time change isn't making everyone as sluggish as I seem to be!! LOL I love the extra hour or so of daylight ...it just takes a few weeks to make the body do it's turn around.

Well, I managed to go until Sunday (7 days) without talking to abf .

It was a good conversation for the most part. He knows all about how his mother is his best enabler. I am not the only one that has told him that. Apparently the peeps at the meetings and his sponsor way back when has also told him that. He doesn't/hasn't went to meetings in months ... I think a big reason is because the people at the meetings don't take him seriously and they tell him the truth and now it makes him and them uncomfortable. That is really sad because I know the only way he will be able to make this is by attending meetings....

He does bounce around alot.....but it's happy bouncing??? But if I was having a difficult time and really wanted to quit....and was at those meetings for that purpose, then I know I wouldn't want someone there who is just "using" the system to get away with "using".

He readily admits he wants to stop and never wants to use again....but he also said he doesn't have much control over it.

It was a long conversation and it's hard to remember everything and I'll make myself nuts trying to analyze it so I wont.

One big thing I did and I swear I will never ever do that again....

I called him lastnight around 7:40P.M. He wasn't answering so I sent a text asking if he was feeling better (he has to have his gull bladder removed this week)...he didn't answer the text either. So I wated about an hour since I figured he was at the 7:00P.M. mass. and I called again....still no answer.

So it finally got to me and it pissed me off. Not that I thought he was using (but ya know it crossed my mind!!) it was more the "King Baby" thing.....he knew it would worry me if he didn't respond and he was being selfish by not doing so....however, I haven't been answering my phone either...

Yes, I went over there.

I think he was kinda surprised and thought I was sneaking up on him.....no, it wasn't that way, I mean, if he had of bothered to answer his phone or text then I could have said I was stopping by! RIGHT? LOL

Whatever...

I'm pretty independant and can take care of myself for the most part.

I just don't like playing the little tit for tat games, I thought I was an adult but this spins me back to my teenage years!!

I do remember telling him that if he doesn't stop the madness......eventually I will grow even more tired and oneday just simply not be around.

Anyway.....thats pretty much it.

And life marches forward.
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:36 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hope213 View Post
honey, he is worth saving but you can not save him. all you can do is save yourself.
EXCELLENT advice. I went through that "but I love him" stage, but that didn't do anything but hurt me.

If and when he's ready, he will do the right thing. Same for you.
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